mariamaria1107

I have a 23 year old daughter that is in recovery, who has relapsed many times and is now 4 months clean. I know the ups and downs and the pain and heartache relapse causes. I know the manipulation, lies, tricks, etc that they try to get away with. She was a addicted to Roxy's, Oxy's and Xanax for approximately 4 years. She has been through the 12 step program, therapy and group counseling. I do consider her an expert on the addiction of drugs as I would anyone in recovery. Now to my problem....My younger daughter, 21, wants to date a recovering drug addict. He has been "clean" for 9 months. He uses alcohol socially and has been since he has been in recovery. I questioned my older daughter about this and she told me that he is just going from one drug to another as the brain doesn't have time to heal and eventually this behavior will lead him back to his drug of choice. I researched what she told me and it was true. My younger daughter knows the pain drug addiction causes. She feels everyone deserves a chance. I agree, however, my problem is that he drinks alcohol. He was a very heavy drug user and sold drugs also for several years. I feel that she is only 21 and should not date him. If he does use and her feelings for him are strong she might ignore the signals. Can anyone please give me advice on this. I will listen. This is causing a rift between my daughter and I. I don't want to meddle but this to me she is messing with something she can't handle and shouldn't have to at her young age. We've been through enough. Please give me advice. This is something I will not stop worrying about but am I wrong for not wanting her involved with this person?

meditation

Your daughter is of legal age to make her decisions. Granted someone with his history would not be our first choice for our children but you can't control her, you can't run her life, it's her life to live. If you continue to impose your ideas I think you may deepen the rift. You have raised a daughter to legal age and you can support her, you can tell her how you feel, and list the red flags but ultimately it's her decision. Most of the people here on the FF board are in various stages of learning how to live a co-dependent free way of living, it's very hard to keep hands off our adult children's lives and decisions. I have a 19 yo daughter that is pushing me to actively see this for myself and I try to support her on her decisions. It's a hard thing to be a parent.

DaisyBuchanan

I was under the impression that you're not technically in recovery if you're drinking. I heard this from a friend in NA. It makes sense. Alcohol is usually a gateway substance for addicts, right?

mariamaria1107

I know she's of legal age and ultimately her decision in the end but this is tearing me apart. No only is my older daughter a recovering drug addict, my husband is an alcoholic who drinks daily. I got married young and didn't realize his drinking would escalate and here I am now dealing with something I wish I listened to others about but it's too late. I wish I could get through to her so she doesn't have to go through this herself. I could handle the recovering part, but I can't handle the fact that he drinks so I know he's not too serious about the recovery. You know how it is, mothers do not stop worrying. You are right if I meddle more it will make the rift worse. I told her what I had to say and told her I wouldn't bring it up again. Its her decision. I don't have to support the decision, but I will support her if her life comes crashing down and be here for her.

Spiritual Seeker

Totally understandable that your younger daughter's choice is scary and not something you'd choose for her. I empathize with you.
I wish there was something you could do, beyond voicing your concern.

Most likely You'll be as powerless as You were over your other daughter's pill use.

meditation

I know you want the best for her. Looking back on my life, my mother tried to control who I would and would not date even when I was 22 years old. I think I dug my heels in and stubbornly asserted my will. Sometimes I can be so stubborn I will do something even if I don't really really want to do it just to prove a point that I could make my own decisions. In hindsight, if she had been more mellow about it all I would have eventually gone off on a new path with a new relationship. I chose to stick with this one and it has worked out, it's not been easy, we celebrated 25 years of marriage this year. He's grown up, and he's put up with me as I am a recovering addict. The problems my mother wanted me to not have to experience were marrying a man that had an ex wife and child as she did not want me to be burdened down with debt at the beginning of marriage. It was hard but we made it.

My main concern is his( your daughter's bf) lack of long time sobriety. I think it's possible that many addicts can socially drink as long as they don't go back to their drug of choice but to a newly recovering person this could be much much harder to stay away from if they are uninhibited with alcohol. A glass of wine here and there may not be a big issue but who knows how he will react to triggers with or without alcohol? Only time will tell. Meanwhile all you can do is love your daughter and pray that if things don't work out she knows she has support to leave him.

Kindeyes

I understand your concern.

My beautiful, college educated, well employed, 24 year old daughter is dating a guy who has a criminal record (felony), a history of addiction, does not have a driver's license, is currently unemployed and is currently in the process of filing bankruptcy. He is 29 years old.

Was I upset and concerned when she started dating him? Absolutely. They live together in a major city about 45 minutes away from us. Honestly, I didn't think he was good enough for her.......how's that for being a judgemental, not nice person? Of course, his parents LOVE my daughter to pieces and think she is his angel. My initial thoughts were......of COURSE you would think that, your son just won the girlfriend LOTTERY!

As things were getting serious-er and her BF started throwing out stuff like "I'm going to marry her" or "I'm going to get her a ring for Christmas" (while I was thinking......with what? You don't have a job.) I sat down with my daughter and explained that I have no control over who she chooses to date and I will accept him as long as he treats her well and she is happy BUT I would not be doing my job as her mother and as a person who loves her with all my heart if I did not explain that if she chose to marry him.......she "gets" a felony record and insanely terrible credit record as a part of that legal marriage contract. I went on to explain that a committed relationship does not have to include marriage (some people may cringe at that statement but whether we like it or not it is true). By remaining independently committed, she is able to maintain her excellent credit record and not be hampered by his poor credit and criminal record. I told her that I loved her and would accept her BF as her chosen mate and respect her decisions but I wanted her to understand the ramifications of marrying him. Then, if she chose to marry him, I would at least have the peace of mind knowing that she did so with her eyes wide open and would feel that I did my part as her mother discussing those ramifications with her.

Over the time they have been together, I have seen him changing and I like the guy. She started dating him about 2-1/2 years ago (so she was 22 at the time they started dating and she was still in college). They seem to be doing ok. He treats her well. She seems to be happy with him. So what's a mother to do? I have changed MY attitude toward him. I accept him. I embrace him. And I respect my daughter's decision.

She just spent several days with us while he went hunting with his father. She missed him. She told us that he is her chosen mate but that they will never marry because of his past issues. And I'm ok with that. Why? Because he treats her well, she is happy, and I have no control.

Acceptance is a great gift......but it took me a while to get there.

gentle hugs

Kindeyes

One thing I wanted to add to my comments on a personal note.......when I was 19 years old I moved 2000 miles away from my family in order to "get away" from a boyfriend. I was living independently and doing fine for several months. Guess who showed up on my doorstep one night? Yup......boyfriend. I thought that it was the most romantic and special thing in the world for him to follow me out there. We started living together.

Everytime I would call my Mom or she would call me, she would wind up in tears because I was living IN SIN with this guy. So I needed to fix it, right? How could I do that quickly and easily? I married him. It was a huge mistake....HUGE. But it was how I thought at that young age that I could make my Mom stop crying. Well, needless to say she didn't stop crying and I stayed married to him for five years of unhappiness because I thought "I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it".

My own experience with MY mother was kept uppermost in my mind as I spoke with my daughter as explained in the above post.

I hope all goes well for your daughter and for you.

gentle hugs

keepinon

Oh yeah I've been here too.My 18 yr old RAD had not 1, but 2 long term relationships with abusive addicts while in HIGH SCHOOL. Trust me when I tell you there is nothing you can do or say that will "make" her see the light, or control her. I worked for the Women's Shelter in our town as the Domestic Violence educator..meanwhile, my daughter is not only being emotionally and verbally abused, but beaten up as well.How's that for a little humility and lesson on powerlessness? (BTW no abuse EVER in our home..Husband and I have been married for 21 years.) Sorry to tell you, she will do what she's gonna do.But you can set a good example by getting to alanon for yourself.It sounds like there is a problem of active alcoholism in your home.That can show your daughter how a healthy person deals with a loved one's addiction. You will also learn about detachment which is really the only viable option for dealing with your daughter.

Freedom1990

I asked my 22 year old daughter a couple of weeks ago if she ever had had a boyfriend who didn't drink and/or smoke dope. She thought for a few minutes and said no. I suggested she might want to ask herself why, and just left it at that.

She's been involved with a 29 year old active alcoholic/addict for over a year now. She recently moved back in with me after he kicked her out during one of his temper tantrums.

They are seeing each other again. Ugh.

She has the right to learn from her own experiences, just as I did over the years.

I don't give unsolicited advice.

I won't rob her of the opportunity for growth and learning, even though my heart hurts seeing her settle for so much less than she deserves.

Do I welcome him with open arms? Absolutely not. However, I am civil to him when face to face, for my daughter's sake.

She knows how I feel.

The best help I can be to her is to continue working my own program of recovery, and to give her the dignity to make her own choices, poor though they may seem to be to me.