My wife and her pills.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
My wife and her pills.
Hello All.
Been lurking for a while and glad I found such a helpful and supportive community.
Thought I would share my story and maybe seek a little guidance. I will try to keep it brief as I could probably write a whole book on my wife's behavior and addiction.
We have been married a little over 8 years now but the problems really started 6 years ago. Through a series of accidents and odd illnesses (torn tendon in skiing accident, thumb bone cyst, esophagus problems, ...) she started taking pain medication and the problem slowly grew out of control. After about 2 years of this, she was taking dilaudid, was on Fenatyl patches and a mix of muscle relaxers, benzos and sleeping pills. Of course, all the side problems with this also came. Running out of pills early, paying for medication out of pocket, doctor shopping, many ER visits, finding her passed out on the floor, ...
After two years of that, during one of our ER visits a social worker came by (most ERs had figured she was an addict by then) and convinced her to go to rehab. So she did a 21 day inpatient rehab/detox. During that time she was put on Suboxone as a substitute but was left on it after rehab. She didn't do much in terms of followup care except to keep seeing the Suboxone doctor who essentially treated her as is she was chronic pain patient and seemed intent to keep her on that stuff for a long time.
So over the pasy 4 years, her usage has just been increasing. She was able to get the doctor to increase the dosage to 16mg/day. But she also figure out early that our insurance would let you get your refill after 3 weeks so her prescription never lasted one day more than 3 weeks. But of course her usage kept increasing where she would often run out early and she would then doctor shop to get whatever narcotic she could get to keep withdrawls at bay. And now more recently, her prescription barely lasts two weeks.
On top of this, she has been seeking other medications such as Ambien, benzos and muscle relaxers and the cycle of doing "bad" things has started again. Taking too many sleeping pills and relaxers and then collapsing on the floor cuz she can't hold herself up. Taking 15 ambiens while doing the grocery and having the paramedics called on her. One time taking barbiturates with the Suboxone which apparently is a lethal combination, and also all the benzos which apparently is another no-no.
I could keep going on, but you probably all know how it goes. From my point of view, I am sick and tired of being the co-dependent rescuer. Really fed up with the lies as I figure for every lie/deceit I know of, there is at least one I don't know of. And now in hindsight, I can see things from the past that were big red flags such as alleged prior use before we met and drinking patterns before we got married. I consider at this point that I have "one foot out the door" and probably would have left by now if the addiction didn't bankrupt me financially.
Fast forward to Tuesday this week. She was starting to withdraw as she ran out of meds two weeks early. She was now forced by our insurance to use the mail-order pharmacy for the Suboxone and essentially had to wait for them to deliver it. I was sleeping in the guest room that night due to the kicking and she woke me up around 3am saying she wanted detox and was done with this stuff.
So I took her to the ER and they did what they could there and found a local treatment center that was covered by our insurance and was licensed to deal with Suboxone. She was admitted Wed morning. This was a sigh of relief on my end but now am starting to have doubts.
She is doing the detox part right now and likely will take ~2 weeks as they taper off the medication. Besides her complaints of how horrible the place is (bet no addict in detox says how nice the place is), she seems committed to getting off the meds. Where my apprehensions come is when I talk about what will come after.
She seems more intent on leaving the place as soon as she is detoxed and says she doesn't need anything inpatient after as "she knows what she is supposed to do" from her previous rehab. And on top, she has even dared to ask I get some of her refills that are due in the next week and lock them up so we can have them "if needed" later on.
If she really knew what she should be doing, she would want continued treatment, she would not be asking to get her narcotic refills and she might at least want to start admitting that she is an addict and not just someone who has become physically dependent.
I realize that during detox, especially when there is withdrawl, the addict in them will just keep screaming and that true recovery probably won't start until the medication is out of her system. But at the same time, call me paranoid, but all I hear is the addict in her and feel that the detox thing was just a emergency measure on her part since she had ran out of pill options this month.
Any insight would be appreciated.
Been lurking for a while and glad I found such a helpful and supportive community.
Thought I would share my story and maybe seek a little guidance. I will try to keep it brief as I could probably write a whole book on my wife's behavior and addiction.
We have been married a little over 8 years now but the problems really started 6 years ago. Through a series of accidents and odd illnesses (torn tendon in skiing accident, thumb bone cyst, esophagus problems, ...) she started taking pain medication and the problem slowly grew out of control. After about 2 years of this, she was taking dilaudid, was on Fenatyl patches and a mix of muscle relaxers, benzos and sleeping pills. Of course, all the side problems with this also came. Running out of pills early, paying for medication out of pocket, doctor shopping, many ER visits, finding her passed out on the floor, ...
After two years of that, during one of our ER visits a social worker came by (most ERs had figured she was an addict by then) and convinced her to go to rehab. So she did a 21 day inpatient rehab/detox. During that time she was put on Suboxone as a substitute but was left on it after rehab. She didn't do much in terms of followup care except to keep seeing the Suboxone doctor who essentially treated her as is she was chronic pain patient and seemed intent to keep her on that stuff for a long time.
So over the pasy 4 years, her usage has just been increasing. She was able to get the doctor to increase the dosage to 16mg/day. But she also figure out early that our insurance would let you get your refill after 3 weeks so her prescription never lasted one day more than 3 weeks. But of course her usage kept increasing where she would often run out early and she would then doctor shop to get whatever narcotic she could get to keep withdrawls at bay. And now more recently, her prescription barely lasts two weeks.
On top of this, she has been seeking other medications such as Ambien, benzos and muscle relaxers and the cycle of doing "bad" things has started again. Taking too many sleeping pills and relaxers and then collapsing on the floor cuz she can't hold herself up. Taking 15 ambiens while doing the grocery and having the paramedics called on her. One time taking barbiturates with the Suboxone which apparently is a lethal combination, and also all the benzos which apparently is another no-no.
I could keep going on, but you probably all know how it goes. From my point of view, I am sick and tired of being the co-dependent rescuer. Really fed up with the lies as I figure for every lie/deceit I know of, there is at least one I don't know of. And now in hindsight, I can see things from the past that were big red flags such as alleged prior use before we met and drinking patterns before we got married. I consider at this point that I have "one foot out the door" and probably would have left by now if the addiction didn't bankrupt me financially.
Fast forward to Tuesday this week. She was starting to withdraw as she ran out of meds two weeks early. She was now forced by our insurance to use the mail-order pharmacy for the Suboxone and essentially had to wait for them to deliver it. I was sleeping in the guest room that night due to the kicking and she woke me up around 3am saying she wanted detox and was done with this stuff.
So I took her to the ER and they did what they could there and found a local treatment center that was covered by our insurance and was licensed to deal with Suboxone. She was admitted Wed morning. This was a sigh of relief on my end but now am starting to have doubts.
She is doing the detox part right now and likely will take ~2 weeks as they taper off the medication. Besides her complaints of how horrible the place is (bet no addict in detox says how nice the place is), she seems committed to getting off the meds. Where my apprehensions come is when I talk about what will come after.
She seems more intent on leaving the place as soon as she is detoxed and says she doesn't need anything inpatient after as "she knows what she is supposed to do" from her previous rehab. And on top, she has even dared to ask I get some of her refills that are due in the next week and lock them up so we can have them "if needed" later on.
If she really knew what she should be doing, she would want continued treatment, she would not be asking to get her narcotic refills and she might at least want to start admitting that she is an addict and not just someone who has become physically dependent.
I realize that during detox, especially when there is withdrawl, the addict in them will just keep screaming and that true recovery probably won't start until the medication is out of her system. But at the same time, call me paranoid, but all I hear is the addict in her and feel that the detox thing was just a emergency measure on her part since she had ran out of pill options this month.
Any insight would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I suspect your wife was selling some of her subs in exchange of opiates. It has a ceiling effect, a max dosage.
I wouldn't let her come back home, especially since she's talking about having a stash of pills at home. There are sober living homes out there and her caseworker at detox can give her referrals.
If you're not working some kind of recovery program for yourself, please consider it. I had no idea how much I needed it until I started doing it.
Addicts need enablers and we need them, too. It's a sick dance and we're just as sick as them.
I wouldn't let her come back home, especially since she's talking about having a stash of pills at home. There are sober living homes out there and her caseworker at detox can give her referrals.
If you're not working some kind of recovery program for yourself, please consider it. I had no idea how much I needed it until I started doing it.
Addicts need enablers and we need them, too. It's a sick dance and we're just as sick as them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Welcome Sebby, we are glad you are here. I am sorry your circumstances have led you here.
I can tell you I have lived your life. My soon to be ex AH is addicted to Endocets, Vicodin & Xanax. I can't tell you how many games we played. His month supply of meds rarely lasted two weeks. I tried holding on to the pills for him and giving him daily doses, he'd find where I had hidden them and take them. We even got a lockbox and he took that and welded it open to get to the drugs. I remember all the nights of little sleep because of him tossing & turning. Finding him at 3 in the morning passed out in the bathroom or roaming the house looking for more pills.
The fights, the ultimatems, the begging, the despair and massive depression on my part trying to cope with it all.
Finally he progressed to stealing money from my checking and pawning my jewelry to buy more pills off the street. He had already pawned everything he had of value. Finally the pain of living with him became worse than the pain of making him leave. So I kicked him out, threatened to have him arrested and he took off to parts unknown and I am filing for divorce.
I am active in Alanon and it has really helped me deal with it all, if you haven't tried it please do, it may be the best thing you could do for yourself. I finally have peace and serenity in my life.
You sound like a smart guy & I can tell you already know she is not ready to get sober. She may never get there. It's not in your control or power to help her, you don't possess those superhuman abilities. So the question is, how long can you ride this roller coaster with her? Don't you matter? What about your right to live a life without addiction? Don't you have a right to be happy? Are you happy settling for a poor excuse for an relationship?
I had to decide to give my husband the right to live his life in whatever way he chooses and face his own consequences for his actions. And he wasn't going to do that as long as I was around.
A dose of harsh reality is what your gal needs. Listen to the "addict" she is screaming loud and clear that she's not ready to stop.
I wish you the best, I know what your going through,
Teggie
I can tell you I have lived your life. My soon to be ex AH is addicted to Endocets, Vicodin & Xanax. I can't tell you how many games we played. His month supply of meds rarely lasted two weeks. I tried holding on to the pills for him and giving him daily doses, he'd find where I had hidden them and take them. We even got a lockbox and he took that and welded it open to get to the drugs. I remember all the nights of little sleep because of him tossing & turning. Finding him at 3 in the morning passed out in the bathroom or roaming the house looking for more pills.
The fights, the ultimatems, the begging, the despair and massive depression on my part trying to cope with it all.
Finally he progressed to stealing money from my checking and pawning my jewelry to buy more pills off the street. He had already pawned everything he had of value. Finally the pain of living with him became worse than the pain of making him leave. So I kicked him out, threatened to have him arrested and he took off to parts unknown and I am filing for divorce.
I am active in Alanon and it has really helped me deal with it all, if you haven't tried it please do, it may be the best thing you could do for yourself. I finally have peace and serenity in my life.
You sound like a smart guy & I can tell you already know she is not ready to get sober. She may never get there. It's not in your control or power to help her, you don't possess those superhuman abilities. So the question is, how long can you ride this roller coaster with her? Don't you matter? What about your right to live a life without addiction? Don't you have a right to be happy? Are you happy settling for a poor excuse for an relationship?
I had to decide to give my husband the right to live his life in whatever way he chooses and face his own consequences for his actions. And he wasn't going to do that as long as I was around.
A dose of harsh reality is what your gal needs. Listen to the "addict" she is screaming loud and clear that she's not ready to stop.
I wish you the best, I know what your going through,
Teggie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Hi all and thanks for the replies.
I am smart enough to know I am a co-dependent and after so many years, I can smell her lies and manipulations from a mile away. I figured posting here was at least a good first step for me. I have looked into NarAnon meetings around here and a few seems to fit well with my work schedule. I have to get over my "embarrassment" and just go.
With the way she went to detox, I was happy in a way but felt right away that i was probably just a desperate measure as she was out of pill options for this month. So far, she shows no sign of really wanting recovery.
For selling the Suboxone, that is something I had not considered but might make sense. About 6 weeks ago, we got into a fight due to her spending almost $300 at the pharmacy. She claimed it was for some CT Scan contrast they had to order for a scan of her ovaries (she has a cyst and is her current pain excuse). I've never heard of someone having to order their own CT Contrast Dye before...
After the fight, she went to a hotel for a few days for things to cool off and returned as if nothing had happened. Then a few days later, she mentions of an old girl friend from beauty school that worked out here and may be able to get her work. I didn't really believe the story from the start and of course se was never able to "hook up with her".
After that, she had been getting text messages which she explained as various friends/family which was unusual. Took a look at her phone when I had a chance and no trace of any conversation (but of course she never deleted other benign text messages like mine). Did some digging and found the phone number which is local (but the girl she talked about is supposed to live 2-3h away). After doing a reverse lookup on the number is comes back to this guy named Justin and I can't confirm the name but it is a guy on the voicemail for that number. Things that make me go mmmmm....
Anyways, the Suboxone and other abuse is just killing her. Over the past 4 years, her teeth went downhill bad and there is no way I could afford the 12 root canals and crowns. So she is now toothless and is waiting for her dentures to be ready. Plus at the pace she is going her liver won't last that much longer. Downing a 500ml bottle of liquid Vicodin overnight isn't going to help. I'm not even that worried about the narcotics with the tollerence she has but the 50g of Tylenol in there taken in 24h is more than enough to cause liver failure.
As for me, I am beyond worn out. Already been through a burn out a few years ago. Lost most of my self confidence and self esteem. My health is down the gutter which I attribute mostly to stress. And I am near bankrupt despite a 100k+/year income. Of and not to mention that i'm 35 and she managed to manipulate me into liquidating my 401k so no retirement money either.
So even if she took recovery seriously, I am unsure that we have a future at this point. How can I really trust her ever again? But I still care about her and would like to at least get clean and sober but in the end that's her choice.
Right now, I plan on finding some meetings and possibly some therapy. Will make it clear she needs after care or it's a no-go but will likely wait until she's mostly detoxed and more clear headed.
I am smart enough to know I am a co-dependent and after so many years, I can smell her lies and manipulations from a mile away. I figured posting here was at least a good first step for me. I have looked into NarAnon meetings around here and a few seems to fit well with my work schedule. I have to get over my "embarrassment" and just go.
With the way she went to detox, I was happy in a way but felt right away that i was probably just a desperate measure as she was out of pill options for this month. So far, she shows no sign of really wanting recovery.
For selling the Suboxone, that is something I had not considered but might make sense. About 6 weeks ago, we got into a fight due to her spending almost $300 at the pharmacy. She claimed it was for some CT Scan contrast they had to order for a scan of her ovaries (she has a cyst and is her current pain excuse). I've never heard of someone having to order their own CT Contrast Dye before...
After the fight, she went to a hotel for a few days for things to cool off and returned as if nothing had happened. Then a few days later, she mentions of an old girl friend from beauty school that worked out here and may be able to get her work. I didn't really believe the story from the start and of course se was never able to "hook up with her".
After that, she had been getting text messages which she explained as various friends/family which was unusual. Took a look at her phone when I had a chance and no trace of any conversation (but of course she never deleted other benign text messages like mine). Did some digging and found the phone number which is local (but the girl she talked about is supposed to live 2-3h away). After doing a reverse lookup on the number is comes back to this guy named Justin and I can't confirm the name but it is a guy on the voicemail for that number. Things that make me go mmmmm....
Anyways, the Suboxone and other abuse is just killing her. Over the past 4 years, her teeth went downhill bad and there is no way I could afford the 12 root canals and crowns. So she is now toothless and is waiting for her dentures to be ready. Plus at the pace she is going her liver won't last that much longer. Downing a 500ml bottle of liquid Vicodin overnight isn't going to help. I'm not even that worried about the narcotics with the tollerence she has but the 50g of Tylenol in there taken in 24h is more than enough to cause liver failure.
As for me, I am beyond worn out. Already been through a burn out a few years ago. Lost most of my self confidence and self esteem. My health is down the gutter which I attribute mostly to stress. And I am near bankrupt despite a 100k+/year income. Of and not to mention that i'm 35 and she managed to manipulate me into liquidating my 401k so no retirement money either.
So even if she took recovery seriously, I am unsure that we have a future at this point. How can I really trust her ever again? But I still care about her and would like to at least get clean and sober but in the end that's her choice.
Right now, I plan on finding some meetings and possibly some therapy. Will make it clear she needs after care or it's a no-go but will likely wait until she's mostly detoxed and more clear headed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
welcome sebby, so sorry you had to find us, but please know that this forum saved my life. I am in the same shoes as you, my husband is also addicted to pain meds alongwith benzo etc. we have been seperated 10 months,(26 years marriage) I want you to know I too tried everything under the sun to save him,but sadly his health is declining too (mentally & physically) his teeth are rotting too, his liver already is failing requiring albumin a few weeks ago. He will not go to rehab.
Please seek support with alanon or naranon, get a counselor and continue reading posts here, even go back and re read older posts. feel free to post how you feel too as we all share the same situation, addiction.
The knowledge and coping skills I learned here were so supportive and got me where I am today,able to do things more ,go to work, laugh, and yes I still cry but the daily drama and stress of addiction has lifted.I too was very embarrassed and ashamed at what happened to us, its completely normal to feel that way.
I truly didnt think there was hope for me but there is and there is for you too,if you take care of yourself and step back from her addiction.
His addiction has cost me money as well, he has filed for divorce and wants money (I dont have) and I have supported this household for many,many years and it is going to cost me for many,many more years. But what can one do? It happens, we cant control it until we learn to control it.
take it one day at at time, go with your gut instinct and continue getting support.
and last but not least, ctscan contrast is not by prescription its given to you as part of scan at the facility or dr.who is performing it.
Please seek support with alanon or naranon, get a counselor and continue reading posts here, even go back and re read older posts. feel free to post how you feel too as we all share the same situation, addiction.
The knowledge and coping skills I learned here were so supportive and got me where I am today,able to do things more ,go to work, laugh, and yes I still cry but the daily drama and stress of addiction has lifted.I too was very embarrassed and ashamed at what happened to us, its completely normal to feel that way.
I truly didnt think there was hope for me but there is and there is for you too,if you take care of yourself and step back from her addiction.
His addiction has cost me money as well, he has filed for divorce and wants money (I dont have) and I have supported this household for many,many years and it is going to cost me for many,many more years. But what can one do? It happens, we cant control it until we learn to control it.
take it one day at at time, go with your gut instinct and continue getting support.
and last but not least, ctscan contrast is not by prescription its given to you as part of scan at the facility or dr.who is performing it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I agree with Tam, now is the time for you to get help for yourself. Just do it....no excuses, get to a meeting and try it, start working on you for a change, you are worth it.
And the CT contrast? Thats BS, I work in the medical field and know for a fact you don't buy the contrast at the pharmacy.
Your wife must be related to my ex! He is also a master liar and manipulater.
Hugs,
Teggie
And the CT contrast? Thats BS, I work in the medical field and know for a fact you don't buy the contrast at the pharmacy.
Your wife must be related to my ex! He is also a master liar and manipulater.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Are they doing any kind of recovery work or counseling with her in detox? If so, you may want to have a chat with the counselor and let them know you are thinking of 'forcing' a sober living alternative for her when she gets out. That way the counselor can be the one to "suggest" it to her and you can be the one to back up the suggestion. Talking with the counselor-- or any addiction specialist-- would be very beneficial to you as well. These are tough steps we are asked to take and it helps to have the support of professionals as well as people like us who have 'been there done that'.
Keep coming back. We'll be here for you 24/7.
Keep coming back. We'll be here for you 24/7.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Hi all.
I will go look at the schedule again and go to the next meeting that works with my work schedule.
Teggie, For the CT Scan, I know it is BS. I mean even if the insurance isn't covering the contrast as she had a few other scans, then the imaging place would just charge her for it. And coincidently, the price was about the same as a bottle of Tussinex (Hydrocodone + Antihistamine syrup).
Tammy, we havn't been married as long but considering 6 of our 8 years of marriage has been under the influence, we don't have much in common anymore. Even if she really took recovery seriously, I am unsure of our future. Can I really ever trust her anymore? Can't really afford a divorce and alimony but at the same time I would prefer a fixed monthly payment to her than the stress and chaos that comes with her using.
Tjp, The don't do much in detox at that place. They have a counselor and a few random meetings but that seems like that's about it. Her counselor is supposed to call me to talk about her progress but he hasn't done so yet. Apparently he was jabbed with a needle when he found someone using in the treatment center on Thursday. Hopefuly he calls me soon.
As an update, today was visitations. The detox plan is apparently to reduce the Suboxone by 1mg/day (she is now at 5mg) all the way down to 0.5mg. Then they plan on switching her to Methadone in low dose for another 3 days (since they cant measure Suboxone at lower than 0.5mg) and then monitor her for another 2-3 days without narcotics to make sure she is okay. This would mean another 10-12 days in detox but apparently they wrote a discharge date of the 27th on the board but has not seen the counselor/doctor yet to ask what is up with that (whether its just an error or the insurance won't cover any further).
She does not want to do any inpatient rehab or sober living at this point. But she does say she already signed up for the outpatient program which is 4h, 3x per week and that the insurance has agreed to cover this. I still plan to bring up inpatient options to the counselor and already hinted to her that it might be best, or at least maybe a sober living setting but she is obviously not really receptive to the idea.
Over the past few months, I already had started detaching myself emotionally from her and the addiction. Wasn't a choice but something I had to do to survive and will keep down that path. In the end, I have to take care of myself also and after 6 years, have realized she is the only one who can fix herself.
The funny thing is that before finding SoberRecovery, I did talk about this to some of her close friends who she knew before meeting me. Two of them who dealt with spouses with addiction (or related) issues. Both divorced about a year ago. And their opinion also seems to match what I am learning here. And actually, this is how I've learned about some of her prior drug use. Just somewhat ironic to find support from her own friends
Thanks,
Sebastien
I will go look at the schedule again and go to the next meeting that works with my work schedule.
Teggie, For the CT Scan, I know it is BS. I mean even if the insurance isn't covering the contrast as she had a few other scans, then the imaging place would just charge her for it. And coincidently, the price was about the same as a bottle of Tussinex (Hydrocodone + Antihistamine syrup).
Tammy, we havn't been married as long but considering 6 of our 8 years of marriage has been under the influence, we don't have much in common anymore. Even if she really took recovery seriously, I am unsure of our future. Can I really ever trust her anymore? Can't really afford a divorce and alimony but at the same time I would prefer a fixed monthly payment to her than the stress and chaos that comes with her using.
Tjp, The don't do much in detox at that place. They have a counselor and a few random meetings but that seems like that's about it. Her counselor is supposed to call me to talk about her progress but he hasn't done so yet. Apparently he was jabbed with a needle when he found someone using in the treatment center on Thursday. Hopefuly he calls me soon.
As an update, today was visitations. The detox plan is apparently to reduce the Suboxone by 1mg/day (she is now at 5mg) all the way down to 0.5mg. Then they plan on switching her to Methadone in low dose for another 3 days (since they cant measure Suboxone at lower than 0.5mg) and then monitor her for another 2-3 days without narcotics to make sure she is okay. This would mean another 10-12 days in detox but apparently they wrote a discharge date of the 27th on the board but has not seen the counselor/doctor yet to ask what is up with that (whether its just an error or the insurance won't cover any further).
She does not want to do any inpatient rehab or sober living at this point. But she does say she already signed up for the outpatient program which is 4h, 3x per week and that the insurance has agreed to cover this. I still plan to bring up inpatient options to the counselor and already hinted to her that it might be best, or at least maybe a sober living setting but she is obviously not really receptive to the idea.
Over the past few months, I already had started detaching myself emotionally from her and the addiction. Wasn't a choice but something I had to do to survive and will keep down that path. In the end, I have to take care of myself also and after 6 years, have realized she is the only one who can fix herself.
The funny thing is that before finding SoberRecovery, I did talk about this to some of her close friends who she knew before meeting me. Two of them who dealt with spouses with addiction (or related) issues. Both divorced about a year ago. And their opinion also seems to match what I am learning here. And actually, this is how I've learned about some of her prior drug use. Just somewhat ironic to find support from her own friends
Thanks,
Sebastien
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sebby1234 
I still plan to bring up inpatient options to the counselor and already hinted to her that it might be best, or at least maybe a sober living setting but she is obviously not really receptive to the idea.
I could hear my stereo full blast from my car, the house reeked of pot when I walked in, and she was bedded down with a guy I had never seen, and who is currently in the penitentiary for molesting two 9 year old girls.
I showed her the door, and changed the locks. She had a very short period of time to retrieve all her stuff, and what was left behind was going into the dumpster.
She was not receptive at being kicked to the curb.
She had no choice. I made it clear she was out of my home.
I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's addictions, including my own daughter.
She's a clever girl, and has never been homeless for more than 24 hours over the 7 years since I kicked her out.
She's been very adept at finding enablers.
I completely understand your health going downhill, and that's another way that codependency kills. I watched a documentary on stress a few weeks ago and was horrified at just how much that can affect our health.
I do have health issues that are unrelated to codependency (degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis), and I sure don't need anymore.
I have to take care of me.
I sincerely hope you will do the same.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Freedom,
I can only imagine how hard it must be when it involves your own children. Yes, it's my wife but since we had no children together. Somewhat say to feel I have wasted the last 6 years of my life but I guess it is better than loosing the rest of my life.
For my health, my digestive system is kaput (not much I can eat that won't make me ill to some extent), hypoglycemia (even though I am not diabetic), joint pains, sleep problems, breathing problems, carpal tunnel syndrome (comes with my job but likely worse due to stress), ... You get the idea.
As an update, looks like our insurance is being cheap. They were able to buy another day so she is coming out Thursday. This is the last day she would be on the Suboxone so she will not get the extra days to finish the taper with Methadone and then be off for a few days.
Her refill of Suboxone from before detox is on the way (mail order pharmacy). So her plan is to have me lock them up in a safe and she will try to go without and worst case use crumbs to minimize withdrawls. She says she is also signed up for the outpatient program and it should start next week but she hasn't received the schedule yet.
I will admit I am not too sure what to think at this point. At 650$/day, I cannot afford to just pay for the rest of the detox so will probably just have to make it work, assuming she sticks to the plan... But at the same time, I guess this doesn't change anything. I still have to get my own recovery and take care of myself. Our marriage may be over one way or another...
I can only imagine how hard it must be when it involves your own children. Yes, it's my wife but since we had no children together. Somewhat say to feel I have wasted the last 6 years of my life but I guess it is better than loosing the rest of my life.
For my health, my digestive system is kaput (not much I can eat that won't make me ill to some extent), hypoglycemia (even though I am not diabetic), joint pains, sleep problems, breathing problems, carpal tunnel syndrome (comes with my job but likely worse due to stress), ... You get the idea.
As an update, looks like our insurance is being cheap. They were able to buy another day so she is coming out Thursday. This is the last day she would be on the Suboxone so she will not get the extra days to finish the taper with Methadone and then be off for a few days.
Her refill of Suboxone from before detox is on the way (mail order pharmacy). So her plan is to have me lock them up in a safe and she will try to go without and worst case use crumbs to minimize withdrawls. She says she is also signed up for the outpatient program and it should start next week but she hasn't received the schedule yet.
I will admit I am not too sure what to think at this point. At 650$/day, I cannot afford to just pay for the rest of the detox so will probably just have to make it work, assuming she sticks to the plan... But at the same time, I guess this doesn't change anything. I still have to get my own recovery and take care of myself. Our marriage may be over one way or another...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Knoxville
Posts: 13
Hey Sebby
We have many parallels in our experience. My wife is coming up on two years on Subutex. Last time she went to rehab they offered to taper her but she refused. They did get her off Xanex which combined with the Subs provides a similar high to opiates. Switched her to Buspar which she complained about constantly. She went to outpatient again where she set up a network of addicts who trade Subs and benzos. She changed psychiatrists cause the one they reffered her to wanted to end her Subutex usage. First thing she did with the new doctor was get on Klonipen a mild benzo.
She does not understand the total lack of affection and intimacy in our relationship and will probably never understand how numb and detached I have become. Her DUI case is coming up but she still has not worked or even tried to get a job so I don't know how she is going to pay her court costs but I have made clear this is not my problem.
I feel guilty about how I feel sometimes but I do regret letting her move in after rehab. She had the opportunity to do a sober house but refused and I know I made a mistake there.
I am ashamed to say I now wait for her to get arrested so I can get her out of my house. I figure it won't be long till she messes up again. I just pray she does not hurt an innocent. Sick and tired of being sick and tired is no way to go through life.
Sebby I don't think a rehab is going to change her outlook and at this point I wished I had walked away along time ago. If she really got it she would do anything to stay sober. And you would not have to be holding drugs just in case of an emergency. Trust me there will be an emergency sooner than later. Good luck and stay on the board. The people here have been thru he'll and they can help you to the exit if you let them.
She does not understand the total lack of affection and intimacy in our relationship and will probably never understand how numb and detached I have become. Her DUI case is coming up but she still has not worked or even tried to get a job so I don't know how she is going to pay her court costs but I have made clear this is not my problem.
I feel guilty about how I feel sometimes but I do regret letting her move in after rehab. She had the opportunity to do a sober house but refused and I know I made a mistake there.
I am ashamed to say I now wait for her to get arrested so I can get her out of my house. I figure it won't be long till she messes up again. I just pray she does not hurt an innocent. Sick and tired of being sick and tired is no way to go through life.
Sebby I don't think a rehab is going to change her outlook and at this point I wished I had walked away along time ago. If she really got it she would do anything to stay sober. And you would not have to be holding drugs just in case of an emergency. Trust me there will be an emergency sooner than later. Good luck and stay on the board. The people here have been thru he'll and they can help you to the exit if you let them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Dano, Thanks for the insight.
Thought Suboxone/Subutex + Benzos was a big no-no. Then again, it doesn't stop my wife from downing a bottle of Ativan because she has a hard time sleeping. Then again, she at least hasn't downed a bottle of Ambien lately. Reminds me of the day where she took 15 ambiens while doing the grocery and had the paramedics called on her. Should have just let them take her to the hospital. The joys of being co-dependent.
For the rehab. I have little faith in her recovery as she seems to say 80% of what she should really need to say. I know at this point she figured I have a foot out the door so it is likely a ploy to rub me the right way. But she doesn't realize I don't believe much of what she says anymore. The only thing that I will believe is her actions.
I am also sick and tired of this and this whole rehab thing is likely a failure but I guess maybe I still need one last blow to be really done. I don't know. I care about her but don't even know that I love her anymore. There has been no intimacy in two years. I kiss her only because that's what is expected. And a few months ago, she dare to ask why I don't appreciate her more?!?! Oh sorry dear, I forgot to mention how I appreciate how you spend your day in bed, popping pills and watching Teen Mom and Jersey Shore... Ehhh...
Thought Suboxone/Subutex + Benzos was a big no-no. Then again, it doesn't stop my wife from downing a bottle of Ativan because she has a hard time sleeping. Then again, she at least hasn't downed a bottle of Ambien lately. Reminds me of the day where she took 15 ambiens while doing the grocery and had the paramedics called on her. Should have just let them take her to the hospital. The joys of being co-dependent.
For the rehab. I have little faith in her recovery as she seems to say 80% of what she should really need to say. I know at this point she figured I have a foot out the door so it is likely a ploy to rub me the right way. But she doesn't realize I don't believe much of what she says anymore. The only thing that I will believe is her actions.
I am also sick and tired of this and this whole rehab thing is likely a failure but I guess maybe I still need one last blow to be really done. I don't know. I care about her but don't even know that I love her anymore. There has been no intimacy in two years. I kiss her only because that's what is expected. And a few months ago, she dare to ask why I don't appreciate her more?!?! Oh sorry dear, I forgot to mention how I appreciate how you spend your day in bed, popping pills and watching Teen Mom and Jersey Shore... Ehhh...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Sebby- Has anyone mentioned a sober living house for her? I fear that if she comes straight home you will be up to your a** in alligators within a week! She's not being 'forced' to experience any real consequences for her choices and sober living is at least the next best thing to rehab. But I dunno, you might even have a tough time finding one for her since she hasn't been in rehab -- they usually require them to be active in a recovery program.
I hope you don't have that bottle around anywhere that she asked you to keep for 'emergencies'? She WILL find it and tear up the whole house to do so. You also should not volunteer to keep her pills for her to dole out as prescribed.....or at least not for very long.
Best of luck to you. Remember: Let Go or Be Dragged.
I hope you don't have that bottle around anywhere that she asked you to keep for 'emergencies'? She WILL find it and tear up the whole house to do so. You also should not volunteer to keep her pills for her to dole out as prescribed.....or at least not for very long.
Best of luck to you. Remember: Let Go or Be Dragged.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
sebby
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is obviously taking a terrible toll on your health--both physically and mentally. I'm glad you're here. It's a step in the right direction for you.....and even for her.
Naranon/Alanon meetings.......don't be embarrassed to go. Every single person there has been through what you have been through. They understand and will welcome you. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and you may find that sharing your burden with others will lessen it significantly. When I first started going it felt terribly awkward. The structure seemed odd to me. The slogans seemed odd. Everything about it just seemed so strange. But I kept on going anyway and now the structure and slogans are a part of what help me keep my sanity. I can see the joy in life again. It has slowly helped me change my thinking.
It's quite sad. Addiction makes everyone around it sick.....not just the addict. So we can continue to spiral downward with them....unable to control what they do or we can make a decision to save somebody.....ourselves. When you start taking care of you, really taking care of you, life will get manageable again.
I hope you stick around. You can learn alot here and as you grow, you can help others along the way who are dealing with addiction with their loved ones. It's a nice cycle of hope and support.
gentle hugs
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is obviously taking a terrible toll on your health--both physically and mentally. I'm glad you're here. It's a step in the right direction for you.....and even for her.
Naranon/Alanon meetings.......don't be embarrassed to go. Every single person there has been through what you have been through. They understand and will welcome you. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and you may find that sharing your burden with others will lessen it significantly. When I first started going it felt terribly awkward. The structure seemed odd to me. The slogans seemed odd. Everything about it just seemed so strange. But I kept on going anyway and now the structure and slogans are a part of what help me keep my sanity. I can see the joy in life again. It has slowly helped me change my thinking.
It's quite sad. Addiction makes everyone around it sick.....not just the addict. So we can continue to spiral downward with them....unable to control what they do or we can make a decision to save somebody.....ourselves. When you start taking care of you, really taking care of you, life will get manageable again.
I hope you stick around. You can learn alot here and as you grow, you can help others along the way who are dealing with addiction with their loved ones. It's a nice cycle of hope and support.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
sebby and dano-
while i regret that you guys have to have found this sight, it is comforting in a way to have other guys share their stories. i do'n knowif it is a guy thing, but i have felt like i needed to protect my gf. even nowthat she ison the streets i keep having the desire to do that.
it is so hard to accept that they are not serious about getting help.
and, it is difficult to be torn between doing what is best for us in the long run and what our heart wants us to do. i hope it gets better for you guys.
while i regret that you guys have to have found this sight, it is comforting in a way to have other guys share their stories. i do'n knowif it is a guy thing, but i have felt like i needed to protect my gf. even nowthat she ison the streets i keep having the desire to do that.
it is so hard to accept that they are not serious about getting help.
and, it is difficult to be torn between doing what is best for us in the long run and what our heart wants us to do. i hope it gets better for you guys.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
[QUOTE=steve1840;2747631]sebby and dano-
while i regret that you guys have to have found this sight, it is comforting in a way to have other guys share their stories. i do'n knowif it is a guy thing, but i have felt like i needed to protect my gf. even nowthat she ison the streets i keep having the desire to do that.
it is so hard to accept that they are not serious about getting help.
a guy thing?? I dont think so steve. we all want to protect our loved ones!
while i regret that you guys have to have found this sight, it is comforting in a way to have other guys share their stories. i do'n knowif it is a guy thing, but i have felt like i needed to protect my gf. even nowthat she ison the streets i keep having the desire to do that.
it is so hard to accept that they are not serious about getting help.
a guy thing?? I dont think so steve. we all want to protect our loved ones!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Yes, it is hard to understand why they choose to live like this. In her case, I get the feeling she was "daddy's little girl" who got everything and never had to take responsibility. Of course wasn't the girl I met (or at least how she presented herself to me).
Sure is hard to let go... And it's visitation time in an hour, not really looking forward to it that much...
Sure is hard to let go... And it's visitation time in an hour, not really looking forward to it that much...
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