"one more time" for AS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
"one more time" for AS
My 20 yr old AS quit H cold turkey in April...and did a great job of it...
Was working out..gained weight...all the usual stuff...
Then...signs of slipping in August...(ya know the gut feeling you get when you see them)
So then other people starting noticing too...
Last night I find paraphernalia in his room...Showed his dad and we agreed to "kick him out"
When we confront him he is "higher than a kite!" so..he starts crying..blah blah blah the usual...
Knows he screwed up..wants to stop...Well my husband says "this is the last time"
So I pack a bag for him and kept it in his room to see...
We have been going thru this for almost 4 years now...
How do I get my spouse on board...he thinks we are sending him to die....
No...my spouse wont go to classes...not an option...
I say when we see him the next time high...wait til the next morning and have him hit the road early!
IDEAS????
Was working out..gained weight...all the usual stuff...
Then...signs of slipping in August...(ya know the gut feeling you get when you see them)
So then other people starting noticing too...
Last night I find paraphernalia in his room...Showed his dad and we agreed to "kick him out"
When we confront him he is "higher than a kite!" so..he starts crying..blah blah blah the usual...
Knows he screwed up..wants to stop...Well my husband says "this is the last time"
So I pack a bag for him and kept it in his room to see...
We have been going thru this for almost 4 years now...
How do I get my spouse on board...he thinks we are sending him to die....
No...my spouse wont go to classes...not an option...
I say when we see him the next time high...wait til the next morning and have him hit the road early!
IDEAS????
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I had my son move out. He'd been to college one sem. and bombed out.
Then he went to quickie rehab, returned to our home and quickly relapsed.
I had him leave bec. I couldn't handle the chaos in our home.
That being said, his disease progressed. You'll see that in or out of our homes
addiction progresses.
It is easier for us in some ways when they must move out.
But not being able to live at home in itself does not usually change the course of their addiction.
Do you have the means to offer long-term treatment ? There are treatment places just for young adults that are 12-18 mos.
Do learn all you can about addiction. It has stolen your son's soul. It takes time and
effort to get him back.
I got more response with my son when I was compassionate instead of angry.
Often as you know we just have to detach for awhile until they can be nudged into treatment.
4 yrs. is a long time to watch your boy self-destruct. I am so sorry this is the hand you've been dealt. Don't give up on him.
Then he went to quickie rehab, returned to our home and quickly relapsed.
I had him leave bec. I couldn't handle the chaos in our home.
That being said, his disease progressed. You'll see that in or out of our homes
addiction progresses.
It is easier for us in some ways when they must move out.
But not being able to live at home in itself does not usually change the course of their addiction.
Do you have the means to offer long-term treatment ? There are treatment places just for young adults that are 12-18 mos.
Do learn all you can about addiction. It has stolen your son's soul. It takes time and
effort to get him back.
I got more response with my son when I was compassionate instead of angry.
Often as you know we just have to detach for awhile until they can be nudged into treatment.
4 yrs. is a long time to watch your boy self-destruct. I am so sorry this is the hand you've been dealt. Don't give up on him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 47
Wow you have been going through this for 4 years? I have to agree with you its perhaps time he went. The final time I kicked my son out yes I thought he would die (he has been resuscitated twice) but he was slowly killing me as well. I live with my daughter and granddaughter and his behavior was causing a lot of stress on everyone. I also feel I was enabling him. If he always had a home to come to and family I could save him, wrong......also I did not want drugs or anything related to them in my home. You need to be strong and stand by what you believe in and strong for your husband as well. Yea the tears pull at your heart strings but they dont last long. You know in your heart what is the right thing to do, good luck, be strong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You can't make your husband get on board if he's unwilling.
The thing is, we never know what an addict's bottom is.
No one knew what my bottom was going to be, not even me.
It took every single miserable experience in my life to finally hit a bottom at 28 and go to rehab.
It is possible to love a child to death. You might mention that to your husband.
Sending gentle hugs your way from one mother of an addict to another.
The thing is, we never know what an addict's bottom is.
No one knew what my bottom was going to be, not even me.
It took every single miserable experience in my life to finally hit a bottom at 28 and go to rehab.
It is possible to love a child to death. You might mention that to your husband.
Sending gentle hugs your way from one mother of an addict to another.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 47
I found this from 'Trusting God - Detaching from the Addict' by John Vawter
The age from 18 to 30 is a different story. I think detachment in this age category can be more acute and definite. When our children are of legal age, we have no legal right to make them do anything. In this age category we parents must assume responsibility for our own lives. I understand that we love our children. But they cannot control us. Often, the parents' detachment helps their addict child understand that he must accept responsibility for his actions. The experts in drug/alcohol rehabilitation make it very clear that only the addict can decide to get clean. Sometimes this means he "must hit bottom." Unfortunately, the addicts are our kids. We created them. We love them. We would give our lives for them. We would do anything for them. And, that is exactly the problem. We would do anything for them and they know it. So, they use, abuse and manipulate us in order to spend more time with their beloved mistress that is drugs or alcohol. That is why it is the loving and mature thing to let our adult children hit bottom and face the consequences of their own actions and decisions.
The age from 18 to 30 is a different story. I think detachment in this age category can be more acute and definite. When our children are of legal age, we have no legal right to make them do anything. In this age category we parents must assume responsibility for our own lives. I understand that we love our children. But they cannot control us. Often, the parents' detachment helps their addict child understand that he must accept responsibility for his actions. The experts in drug/alcohol rehabilitation make it very clear that only the addict can decide to get clean. Sometimes this means he "must hit bottom." Unfortunately, the addicts are our kids. We created them. We love them. We would give our lives for them. We would do anything for them. And, that is exactly the problem. We would do anything for them and they know it. So, they use, abuse and manipulate us in order to spend more time with their beloved mistress that is drugs or alcohol. That is why it is the loving and mature thing to let our adult children hit bottom and face the consequences of their own actions and decisions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
It sounds like a plan but you do need to have your husband onboard.
Making our AD leave was hard too. She's 22 and doesn't have the greatest health- physically or emotionally. She's pretty much friendless and has no car/job/savings. So far, she has managed to survive. I have spoken to her a few times since she became homeless 3 weeks ago and she does not sound like she is dying.
Perhaps your husband would do better going to see a therapist for support rather than going to meetings. My husband was so stressed out that I made him go see someone. He is doing better but I think it is partly a function of knowing that she is alive and in periodic contact.
Making our AD leave was hard too. She's 22 and doesn't have the greatest health- physically or emotionally. She's pretty much friendless and has no car/job/savings. So far, she has managed to survive. I have spoken to her a few times since she became homeless 3 weeks ago and she does not sound like she is dying.
Perhaps your husband would do better going to see a therapist for support rather than going to meetings. My husband was so stressed out that I made him go see someone. He is doing better but I think it is partly a function of knowing that she is alive and in periodic contact.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
You can't make your husband get on board if he's unwilling.
The thing is, we never know what an addict's bottom is.
The thing is, we never know what an addict's bottom is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
Thanks for the replies...
We are done helping him out financially...
He has overdosed 2x and been to rehab 2x...all unwillingly and on our dime....(still paying off the final tab!)
He does not have a license (gets it back 12/1) but does have money in the bank...(he works for the family business part time)
We are done helping him out financially...
He has overdosed 2x and been to rehab 2x...all unwillingly and on our dime....(still paying off the final tab!)
He does not have a license (gets it back 12/1) but does have money in the bank...(he works for the family business part time)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Just one more chance!that's the merry go round of addiction. For me, choosing a life of active addiction (as opposed to recovery) means that you probably won't have a comfy bed, food, clean clothes, etc. These are consequences of their addiction. Consequences are what makes people want to change their behavior (sometimes). I asked my 18 yr. old to leave last Ja. She got to (as my soponsor put it)wallow in her addiction.Live it, deal with it, be dirty and hungry, get infections, the whole shebang.8 mo. after that SHE decided she didn't want it anymore and is in treatment . Now, she may go back out. She may relapse.She may die. It sucks. I only have control over my actions and I was not going to play any part in keeping her sick. I wasn't going to love her to death.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Perhaps your husband can read some of the postings on this board. Can you force him to jump on your side of the street,no, however he may learn that enabling is not the answer, it only prolongs the agony for all involved.
Addicts are very good at finding a place to land, they are very resourceful.
Addicts are very good at finding a place to land, they are very resourceful.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I did the same as ((keepinon)) and my 20 yr old son is doing much better. He's supporting himself and finds he has no $$ for drugs! Go figure! He's very resourceful now at stretching a dollar, works his butt off at his new job and his boss loves him! Last year at this time he was doing any/every drug he could get his hands on, flunking trade school, and was extremely depressed. The year before that he'd been to rehab and 6 months of sober living after having 4 wrecks in his *new* car that I bought him for graduation! After all that chaos we had all had "enough" and kicked him out. Amazing! He got his sh!t together!!! It wasn't easy and I had to be ready for any/every outcome...including his death. But like keepinon said, at least I wasn't the one shoveling the dirt into his grave. I felt like it was his very best chance for recovery, and I am very grateful for the support I received here at SR.
Can you get your husband to sit down for a few hours and read some posts? [edit: GMTA dollydo!]
Can you get your husband to sit down for a few hours and read some posts? [edit: GMTA dollydo!]
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
I'm sorry, WI...
I gave my 33 yo AS so many "one more chances" I lost count. Finally, I hit bottom and have had to go "no contact" with him for awhile. I just can no longer watch him destroy himself. It was killing me.
Even if your husband is not on board with asking him to leave right now, you can still go to some Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself. They will help keep you focused on your recovery. Also, if you don't already have it, get the book, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie.
My husband, who is my son's stepfather, was able to see what was happening long before I could accept and admit it. He was so patient with me and my continued attempts to "help" my son into recovery. He would only gently tell me truthfully what he saw and then let the decision be mine. Maybe that would work better with your husband? As Chino said, "we don't know what another enabler's bottom is." Your husband is just not there yet.
with love,
I gave my 33 yo AS so many "one more chances" I lost count. Finally, I hit bottom and have had to go "no contact" with him for awhile. I just can no longer watch him destroy himself. It was killing me.
Even if your husband is not on board with asking him to leave right now, you can still go to some Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself. They will help keep you focused on your recovery. Also, if you don't already have it, get the book, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie.
My husband, who is my son's stepfather, was able to see what was happening long before I could accept and admit it. He was so patient with me and my continued attempts to "help" my son into recovery. He would only gently tell me truthfully what he saw and then let the decision be mine. Maybe that would work better with your husband? As Chino said, "we don't know what another enabler's bottom is." Your husband is just not there yet.
with love,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It took every single miserable experience in my life to finally hit a bottom at 28 and go to rehab.
It is possible to love a child to death.
How has giving him room and board worked out, thus far?
Being able to remain at home deprives your child of the opportunity to realize the consequences of addiction. If there are no painful consequences, there are no reasons to contemplate an alternative.
Your child, ( like my own did ) risks life every single time he scores and shoots. Making it easier for him to do so by giving him a comfy place to stay is a contributing factor.
Your son is going to do what he's going to do, no matter what you do, or not.
You and your husband are powerless over your son and his addiction. Sustaining a belief otherwise is a reflection of our own egos and role in the situation.
Anger is usually the result of unmet expectations and does not serve a useful purpose.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
I'm sorry that you have to go through this and I can't imagine the pain of having to face these choices. I have my own problems with someone that is clean but still acts selfishly like an addict. Even leaving their own child without food .
My point is, an addict won't hate you forever because they ultimately know they deserve to be kicked out. They know what they are doing is intolerable . They just will make up any excuse to make thier life easier to get drugs.
Big hugs and strength and if you don't get it from your hubby then find it where you can .
I am so codependent it is not funny. I also have taken cAre of and supported addicts all my life.
They will definitely not change at all if you are supporting them i'n their delusion that thier addiction is not that bad.
They must live through the pain of addiction, without you shouldering the burden or protecting them. Really only then will they have to face thier own lives alone, without anyone to blame. Right now you will be blamed for putting them out, but they did it by making the choices over and over again.
They might never be the "potentially" great person you see , but if you were good parents and gave them the tools , they need to figure out on there own what thier choices bring. They must learn drugs take away more than they give. But if you keep supplying what the drugs would normally take away ,ie shelter, money for food, healthy relationships. They will never see how bad drugs ruin the big picture.
My point is, an addict won't hate you forever because they ultimately know they deserve to be kicked out. They know what they are doing is intolerable . They just will make up any excuse to make thier life easier to get drugs.
Big hugs and strength and if you don't get it from your hubby then find it where you can .
I am so codependent it is not funny. I also have taken cAre of and supported addicts all my life.
They will definitely not change at all if you are supporting them i'n their delusion that thier addiction is not that bad.
They must live through the pain of addiction, without you shouldering the burden or protecting them. Really only then will they have to face thier own lives alone, without anyone to blame. Right now you will be blamed for putting them out, but they did it by making the choices over and over again.
They might never be the "potentially" great person you see , but if you were good parents and gave them the tools , they need to figure out on there own what thier choices bring. They must learn drugs take away more than they give. But if you keep supplying what the drugs would normally take away ,ie shelter, money for food, healthy relationships. They will never see how bad drugs ruin the big picture.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
So he left Friday afternoon to go visit some friends on their college campus for a weekend of Halloween fun....
He looked like hell when he left....
I told my husband that I will compromise with him....
When he returns on Sunday afternoon...he takes a drug test...
if he refuses...HE IS OUTTA HERE...
If he takes it and flunks...HE IS OUTTA HERE....
If he takes it and passes..that's great...
But I know what the outcome will be already...
Not gonna let my spouse convince me to let him stay "one more time" !!!
(of course I will be the bad one to put him out on the streets!)
Going to the bookstore to buy a few books today...
Nice and quiet around here...gonna enjoy it while it lasts...
Cause we all know what 24 hrs from now will bring!
Thanks for all your help...
He looked like hell when he left....
I told my husband that I will compromise with him....
When he returns on Sunday afternoon...he takes a drug test...
if he refuses...HE IS OUTTA HERE...
If he takes it and flunks...HE IS OUTTA HERE....
If he takes it and passes..that's great...
But I know what the outcome will be already...
Not gonna let my spouse convince me to let him stay "one more time" !!!
(of course I will be the bad one to put him out on the streets!)
Going to the bookstore to buy a few books today...
Nice and quiet around here...gonna enjoy it while it lasts...
Cause we all know what 24 hrs from now will bring!
Thanks for all your help...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Well. if you suspect he is using, he probably is. Good for you for sticking to THIS LAST TIME.Who knows..you could be pleasantly suprised. Sounds like you know your way around a drug test, but one way my little darling avoided it was by using, then waiting 2 days to show up..the longest opiate use will show on a test is 3 days.I kicked her out anyway even though she passed and SWORE she wasn't using. But come to find out..she was. you can just tell.
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