They say love is blind..His addiction controls my life.

Old 10-20-2010, 10:47 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Location: Maine
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They say love is blind..His addiction controls my life.

I fell in love a year ago. I guess I may have fallen in love with lies, deceit, pain..But I fell in love.

He painted a picture picture to me of the man he probably 'wanted to be' but wasn't. I knew he was 'recovering' from a cocaine addiction. What I did not know is he had developed a new one. An addiction to shooting up suboxone, which is the drug they gave him after rehab to get off of the pain killers he was abusing while on cocaine. I thought he was completely sober. I lived life with him for a couple months not even knowing he was shooting up. The long showers, water running, water bottles in the bathroom, spoons..I was so naive. I never knew it until i really started noticing the marks on his arms not going away, the long trips he'd take to get the drug, the weird things he'd do..then finally, after a couple months, I found out, and I was destroyed.

He promised he'd stop. He'd be promising while he was using and he'd be using when he said he wasn't. He lied. About anything and about everything. He still does. I made it possible for him to see his daughter again, got his license back, helped him with everything, made dinners every night..nothing was enough. He crashed my brand new vehicle, stole little things from me, emotionally drained me, made promises he couldn't keep. I now realize it's simply addict behavior and me yelling at him, stealing his needles, everything else, was not benefiting him.

He is a diabetic. I even went to the lengths to make him get prescribed to insulin pens instead of syringes. He didn't care. He found needles I had hidden and continued. He'd blame me. He'd tell me I made it worse. He'd make phone calls on my phone, take my car sneaky places. He would not stop, so I had to let go. I was crying everyday. Now I feel an empty spot in my heart..I know where he's going to end up.

He's in a homeless rooming house right now, living there, just fine, not even feeling emotions. Turned into a complete sociopath. Does anyone understand my pain or a similar situation and would anyone like to talk with me?

I am a 23 year old female and I've always been a fixer, I guess I had hope for him because he came from such a good background and was such a clean cut nice man?..or so I thought. I am at a complete loss.

If anyone would like to talk, please let me know. God bless you all.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:14 AM
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Reading between the lines here, I suspect he's been shooting up a heck of a lot more than subs. Unfortunatatley, it becomes impossible to believe anythig an addicts says.

Sounds like you may have fallen in love with who he projected and you wanted him to be, a hopeful fantasy. And that's the part you might want to focus on. It was not real, despite how it may have felt. And know you can't fix his addiction.

Take time to grieve the loss of the fantasy and learn from it. Looking back, what signs did you miss? What kept you engaged in the relationship? What can you do differently next time to differentiate between fantasy and reality?
He's just one bad apple. Does not mean the whole orchard has the rot.
Take your time and grieve.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:56 AM
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I'm no angel!
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Welcome and I am sorry, however, sometimes we have to take off our rose colored glasses and face reality with eyes open. He is a hard core drug addict. His actions speak for themselves.

You are too young to be involved in this situation. Since you are a fixer, how about starting with fixining you? Have you been to any meetings? How about going to a therapist? If you can get a better understanding of why you gravitate to broken men it might help you make better decisions in the future.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:37 AM
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Welcome to SR ABellaBaby.......but I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

It is so difficult to love an addict. They can be so charming and convincing and they make you feel good because only "you understand them". They use our love and our kindness as a tool to get what they want. And it hurts when we realize that.

There are a lot of people here who do know exactly what you're dealing with. I hope you stick around and learn things about addiction and about yourself.

In some odd way, I do appreciate the lessons I've learned about myself through my experiences with the addict in my life.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:33 AM
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Location: the sunshine state
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A good friend of mine handed me the book Codependent No More when I was about your age...that was almost 20 years ago. It was back when I was in chaotic love relationship #2.

I didn't read it. I guess I wasn't ready.

Fast forward 20 years later...and recovering from chaotic relationship #3, I ended up buying that book for myself...AND I READ IT. And boy, am I glad that I did.

At such the young age as you are now, you have the ability to stop the cycle, and path you are on by making the changes within yourself that need mending. All of us here are natural born "fixers"...we inherited these traits along the way. But what we've come to realize is that the only people we can fix and change, is ourselves.

It is such a great thing now that we have the internet and places like SR.

Good for you for reaching out ABella.... so while you have those fixing tools out, how about you use them to tinker on your own engine (so to speak).

May I suggest you purchase a copy of that book for yourself, and stay here in SR...everyone here knows EXACTLY what you are feeling. We have all,and are right where you find yourself now.

Welcome aboard.
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Old 10-21-2010, 08:08 AM
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He's in a homeless rooming house right now, living there, just fine, not even feeling emotions. Turned into a complete sociopath. Does anyone understand my pain

i absolutely understand your pain.

i knew my addict prior to her addiction. there was a period where we didnt see each other too often as our lives were in different places. when we reconnected, i knew she had used, but was under the impression she was on a program using suboxone, having gotten off methadone. somehow i let myself fall for her all over again. it seemed possible this time. it was good for a while, really good. she seemed to have grown so much and sounded so much smarter and in tuned.

that was the ride to the top of the roller coaster, then it began to tip, and down we went.

the relationship was now on a down slide. her focus was more on the drugs. mine was on her. she chose to live in the slums of a bad city (a city that is only bad really) rather than stay with me and try to get clean. after only a few weeks of that, i see the change in her, like she has changed into a different being. the eyes are different. the expressions are different. the behaviour is different. i feel a void in her now. and i sense the she could head down the sociopath road due to her possible personality disorder.

the short of it is, yes i do understand and i think most people here do as well.

i don't know if they intentionally act a certain way just to manipulate, or if at first they really try to be that good person but it doesnt last.

you will feel better
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Old 10-21-2010, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Sounds like you may have fallen in love with who he projected and you wanted him to be, a hopeful fantasy. And that's the part you might want to focus on. It was not real, despite how it may have felt. And know you can't fix his addiction.

I couldn't have said it better myself.
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