new here and in need-plllease help!
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new here and in need-plllease help!
Hi everyone I'm new here. A little about myself, I'm currently in a two year relationship with a recovering heroin addict. My boyfriend is in a cycle of being sober for a time and then relapsing. He says he wants to be sober and I do believe he does, but he's been in rehabs before and I'm just getting to the point that I think its hopeles. I love him so much and he is a great person when he is not high, whiich I know everyone says . I am so angry with him for. The things he's done, and I feel like I cant talk to him anymore. There is a huge hole between us when there never was before. I'm asking for adive on how to talk to him about how he's making me feel and is there hope for us? Thankyou
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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i have talked a lot with my agf. she exclaims how much she loves me and wants to stop. i have believed her every time. and i still do.
but...over time her addiction has progressed and my tolerance has lessened. as much as i want to believe her and do what i can to help her, i am realizing that talking does not amount to much of anything. it has given me this sense that things will change, but they don't.
i believe in talking. i love talking. but i am also a bit to willing to believe and that has kept me stuck for a while. now that nothing has changed, talking does little for me. i think it is ok for you to calmly try talking, but with an addict you really cannot know if what they are saying is true.
is there hope? i guess there is always hope. i really believed my gf was going to go to rehab. i really believe she wanted it, but after a dozen times of it not happening i still believe she wants it, but i do not believe she is willing to do it yet. i believed there was hope, but now it is more realistic to let go of that and just see what happens. it is so very hard to lose someone to this. i would rather lose her to another guy than to addiction, but there is nothing left for me to do. and THAT is what is putting the gap in our relationship.
actions, not words are what counts
but...over time her addiction has progressed and my tolerance has lessened. as much as i want to believe her and do what i can to help her, i am realizing that talking does not amount to much of anything. it has given me this sense that things will change, but they don't.
i believe in talking. i love talking. but i am also a bit to willing to believe and that has kept me stuck for a while. now that nothing has changed, talking does little for me. i think it is ok for you to calmly try talking, but with an addict you really cannot know if what they are saying is true.
is there hope? i guess there is always hope. i really believed my gf was going to go to rehab. i really believe she wanted it, but after a dozen times of it not happening i still believe she wants it, but i do not believe she is willing to do it yet. i believed there was hope, but now it is more realistic to let go of that and just see what happens. it is so very hard to lose someone to this. i would rather lose her to another guy than to addiction, but there is nothing left for me to do. and THAT is what is putting the gap in our relationship.
actions, not words are what counts
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by inlovewaddict3 
I'm currently in a two year relationship with a recovering heroin addict. My boyfriend is in a cycle of being sober for a time and then relapsing.
Can you accept him as is/where is as opposed to how you want him to be?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you must be in a lot of pain right now.
It's so sad to see the good parts of the addict and wish that those good parts would overcome their addiction. You see so much potential and amazing qualities in them that they most likely never see in themselves.
It's so sad to see the good parts of the addict and wish that those good parts would overcome their addiction. You see so much potential and amazing qualities in them that they most likely never see in themselves.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Talk about what exactly? I'm sure he knows how his addiction is making you feel. Talking about things in any relationship is always a good thing though in my book. Just be prepared that you may not get the answers you are searching for.
As far as outcomes, that depends on sooo many factors. I never give up hope that anyone can better their lives if they decide to do so. But that is the big IF and only they can do it. Sorry for such a non-answer. Much of it depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice, put up with or not tolerate. Loving and addict is tough work. But I think there is a huge difference between an addict who admits they have a problem and are trying (albeit not always successfully) to be sober than one who is not even acknowledging they have a problem.
Again, it is a difficult question to answer but if you are already feeling anger and uncertainty then that may be part of your answer.
As far as outcomes, that depends on sooo many factors. I never give up hope that anyone can better their lives if they decide to do so. But that is the big IF and only they can do it. Sorry for such a non-answer. Much of it depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice, put up with or not tolerate. Loving and addict is tough work. But I think there is a huge difference between an addict who admits they have a problem and are trying (albeit not always successfully) to be sober than one who is not even acknowledging they have a problem.
Again, it is a difficult question to answer but if you are already feeling anger and uncertainty then that may be part of your answer.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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My experience with talking about anything, esp feelings, is that it never gets me anywhere except sets me up for potentially getting sucked in deeper, or sucked in to believing his manipulations about me or otherwise. This has been a very, very hard thing for me to accept. That I "can't" talk this over with him. Shouldn't we be able to "talk" about things in a relationship? Well, that is what we think, not under the influence of a substance. The irony about addiction is that when someone is under the influence, their perspective is not reality and it opens us up to a whole can of worms when we think we can have a rational conversation with them.
Now, when my AH has had sober moments, those are the only times I will sometimes get a straight answer, but only if he is willing to talk. I find that when he is sober, he is "feeling" the guilt and shame heavy and he doesn't want to talk about it. It is sooo hard to live in this emotional black hole with someone. I wish I could give you something meaningful here... I know your pain and anger, etc. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this too.
Now, when my AH has had sober moments, those are the only times I will sometimes get a straight answer, but only if he is willing to talk. I find that when he is sober, he is "feeling" the guilt and shame heavy and he doesn't want to talk about it. It is sooo hard to live in this emotional black hole with someone. I wish I could give you something meaningful here... I know your pain and anger, etc. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this too.
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Location: Alabama
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Originally Posted by steve1840
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it is so very hard to lose someone to this. i would rather lose her to another guy than to addiction, but there is nothing left for me to do. and THAT is what is putting the gap in our relationship.
actions, not words are what counts
it is so very hard to lose someone to this. i would rather lose her to another guy than to addiction, but there is nothing left for me to do. and THAT is what is putting the gap in our relationship.
actions, not words are what counts
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