New here and dont know how to handle this.

Old 10-20-2010, 02:48 PM
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Is there any reason your father can't call Tim himself?

Personally, I'd say "Dad, why don't you give Tim a call and ask?"
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Is there any reason your father can't call Tim himself?

Personally, I'd say "Dad, why don't you give Tim a call and ask?"
My dad is end stage emphysema and he is dying.. He can barely speak anymore because he cannot breath, so he cant make a phone call. Thats the problem.
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Old 10-20-2010, 05:32 PM
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The sad truth is that addicts put their addiction first. That includes over dying people, their own kids, everything. You can't make him see anything when he is in his addiction. Unfortunately he will have to live with himself and deal with that when he gets sober.Stop lying now.Just stop. Come up with something that you can say "Tim is having a very hard time right now", "Tim isn't well", " something that is true that you can say. Your son is sick. It is sad, but not shameful.
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:16 PM
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Hello Beenthere, I too am the mother of an addict son. I have done all of the same things that you have. I lied for him so he wouldn't lose his residence. I worried myself sick over him. It's only natural for a mom to do that. Our children are part of us, and when they are hurting, we hurt too. Don't beat yourself up. You lied for the right reasons, even though it was the wrong thing to do. You learned from it, and that's a good thing.

On another note, does your son want to get straight? Does he lie to you all of the time regarding drug use? If he is still doing coke the bottom line is that he will eventually be found out. He will lose his apartment, and GOD only knows what else. He is lucky that he hasn't lost his life. Similar to your son, my son just lost his Grandma on his dad's side of the family, and at the time he couldn't go to her wake. He was in treatment, and had to stay there. His drug abuse has taken everything from him. Well, almost everything, thank the LORD he is still alive. It's so sad, but addicts always put their drug first. That's how the addicted brain works. Even if the addict wants to stop, their brain won't let them. It takes hard work to stop using once your addicted.

Maybe your son has some Post Traumatic Stress from being in the war. I'm sure he has seen alot of things that aren't pretty. Maybe you can reccomend some counseling and therapy. My son is 29 and he has been through alot of the same things that your son is going through. Except for the war, they have very similar problems and are close in age. The war in itself is alot for a young man to deal with.

Have you tried talking with your son? My son was very honest with me about his addiction. When he was using drugs, he lied to me all of the time. Now he is clean for the past 5 months. He said he almost died from getting high also. The thought of him using drugs makes me sick. I certainly hope things change for the better for your son.
I know what it feels like as a mom to watch her son ruin himself with drugs. It's sad, and frightening. Keep us posted on your sons progress. Sending up some prayers for your son, and your father.
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:54 PM
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You know what, you are right.. I wont lie for him. I can literally turn around and say "I dont know how he is right now". "I dont know what he is doing", and I wont be lying. Its the truth because I dont.

I have only been on this board for what, 2 days tops, and I feel stronger today. I had my melt down earlier out of worry but I feel more in control of ME. My meltdown is because I have lost the control of Tim. There will be many more I am sure. Tomorrow when I wake up and I going to say that I am also in control of ME.. But I will keep praying for the say my son can say the same to himself.

It hurts, you still want to take care of them and kiss their boo boo's and I know that might sound stupid, but they are always our children no matter what their age. It hurts a lot. But I have to work on me getting well.

In answer to your question he does suffer from PTSD but the service will either put him in the brig or send him back to the war if they find out illegal drugs were being used. O tolerance so there will be no help. He will die. So they can find out about it, it all has to be done private. If it were alcohol, they would get you the help. It makes no sense. An addiction is an addiction.

Thank you all so much for your help. I am going to shed some more tears but I am going to make it through this night. Somehow I will. I am going to toss and turn and be afraid if the phone rings but I am going to make it thru this night.

Thank you for being so accepting of me. You are all angels.
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:55 PM
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can find out about it = CANT find out about it..
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:07 PM
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Beenthere, alot of people will tell you not to worry. If your anything like me you will worry until your sick. I did that to myself when my son was out there using. It's easy for other people to say, but so hard to do when it's your child. Your right, no matter how big or old they are, they are our babies. Looking back in hindsight I now realize that the only thing my worrying did, was make me sick. It didn't do one good thing for my son, or his addiction. He has to make the decision to stop using drugs. No matter what we say or do, we are not in control. Would you consider a Naranon meeting? It's for family members who worry about addicted loved ones. It's a great program, and it will give you the tools to help take care of yourself. Your life is not less important than your sons. I didn't believe that at first. I always thought if my son is sick or dying, then I am ruined and can't be happy. Naranon helped me to realize that my sons life is his to live the way he wants to. He can do whatever he wants with his own life. My life is mine, and I had to learn to take care of myself. I always put my child before me, and I didn't know how to change after 29 years of doing that. It's about detaching in a positive way. Sometimes when we do, the addict realizes it's time to change. My heart goes out to you. I totally understand the grief and worry. Keep posting and coming back here, so many others will be along with alot of positive input. We are all in the same boat more or less. You and I are the lucky ones. We still have our sons. There are many mothers on this site, that have buried their kids. Try to look at the bright side, and hang on to the hope that your son will change his ways. GOD BLESS YOU and YOUR SON.
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