asked him to leave : (
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
asked him to leave : (
Hello all,
I have asked my AH to move out as he has relapsed again. I can no longer feel this way and take care of my children. When I asked him to move out he did not argue and I cried myself to sleep. So here I am this morning in a fog trying to fight my way back into the daylight. Are there any marriages that survive this?????
I have asked my AH to move out as he has relapsed again. I can no longer feel this way and take care of my children. When I asked him to move out he did not argue and I cried myself to sleep. So here I am this morning in a fog trying to fight my way back into the daylight. Are there any marriages that survive this?????
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Good for you for putting the best interests before those of yourself and or husband. No child needs exposure to addiction.
You may want to consider getting your finances in order and a court order for child support because it sounds like he's on a downward spiral.
Only you can decide how to best protect yourself and children from going down with him.
You may want to consider getting your finances in order and a court order for child support because it sounds like he's on a downward spiral.
Only you can decide how to best protect yourself and children from going down with him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Good for you for looking out for yourself and your children. I'm so sorry your marriage has come to this.
Have you considered individual counselling to get some support?
I second the suggestion to talk to attorney. You will need to protect yourself financially and legally.
Have you considered individual counselling to get some support?
I second the suggestion to talk to attorney. You will need to protect yourself financially and legally.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Ok so his response today after sleeping on what I had to say last night is :
He is going to take 2 weeks off of work and is seeing a doctor tomorrow to detox totally in order to get the implant done. The problem I am having is how he said it when he came home from work today. I am going to do it your way and just stop and give you the car keys! I don't have a way, the only thing I have is rules for my home and what can happen around my children/his children. All I have is what should occur in a household with children in it. I have never stated what he has to do. I have only stated what I have to do. So I still have to sit and talk with him tonight, but still need advice. Do I leave it alone and see if he takes action?? lost again : (
He is going to take 2 weeks off of work and is seeing a doctor tomorrow to detox totally in order to get the implant done. The problem I am having is how he said it when he came home from work today. I am going to do it your way and just stop and give you the car keys! I don't have a way, the only thing I have is rules for my home and what can happen around my children/his children. All I have is what should occur in a household with children in it. I have never stated what he has to do. I have only stated what I have to do. So I still have to sit and talk with him tonight, but still need advice. Do I leave it alone and see if he takes action?? lost again : (
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tacoma, Washington
Posts: 25
20 years later
I have been with My AH for 21 years in Feb marrried for 17 and its been totally a nightmare. He's been to 7-8 treatments over the years I have gone to meetings with him. Promise after Promise one things for sure the AH won't quit until they are ready all the threats that are made they don't care addicts are very selfish. I can tell you that I'm now filing for divorce I've had enough you can only take so much but you will know when that time comes. Just focus on you and your kids and don't let your guard down. Going to detox is fine but usually thats just to be able to get higher the next time they use and yes I have seen marriages work because the addict got clean. Just pray and if you see any signs just walk away because it doesn't get better.
Good Luck
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Maryland New York
Posts: 29
I have been married for 21 years and my AH hasnt always been an addict but, it is hard. He has relapsed once but he has only been sober for 5 months. I am slowly learning what I need to do and focusing on my children and myself is what I have to worry about. I have thrown him out but, have let him come back. The first sign that he is using he is out because Iti is to emotionally draining to live with him. Right now he is doing good but, I am always waiting for the shoe to drop and to him behaving like he was when he was using. I know the signs and I am more aware now than I was. It took a long while for me to realize what was going on because I had never dealt with addiction before. It is a struggle one I am not willing to stay with him if he doesn't want to get better, that is the key he is only going to get better when he is ready to deal with his addiction. I pray that he is ready now but, I have my doubts. I take it one day at a time becaue that is all I can do. I am not ready to throw away 21 years of marriage but, if he doesn't stay on the road to recovery I will have to because I am not willing to throw my happiness away to live in misery because he is not willing to deal with his addiction. I have to live for my children and me.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
I was never married to my ex, but I found the first month of bieng alone very difficult. I felt addicted to him and my whole existence revolved around his addiction and his demands. I hardly slept, I didn't eat and I cried all of the time. Once I started realizing how much of my thoughts and behavious were centered on keeping him "safe" and happy, I realized that I wasn't actually living my own life.
As much as I wanted him back, my life has changed dramatically for the better since he has left . I miss the good things but always remind myself of the big picture and ask the big question,"
If I change nothing, would I see myself happy living like this for another five years, or ten years, and the answer is always a huge no!
The best advice I got was on this forum, you cannot base your future on the addicts behaviour. I kept wondering if he would get better, but the real question was, " Will I get better, and will I know better" .
If it was true love it will work and this may be a temporary setback, but you will never know unless you test him. See if he will do the work to be a real family, and if he won't then you will have already prepared for it. But you must prepare for both outcomes.
Only time will tell if your marriage can survive it, but you must consider how much you can emotionally,mentally, financially, invest in his recovery and still be "healthy " and still be "there" for your children?
I know I was never married, but I had the rings and just wouldn't make it official, becuase he never got better. My heart went out to you becuase the nights are the hardest part, but it gets drastically better even a few months later. In fact, I smile myself to sleep sometimes.
As much as I wanted him back, my life has changed dramatically for the better since he has left . I miss the good things but always remind myself of the big picture and ask the big question,"
If I change nothing, would I see myself happy living like this for another five years, or ten years, and the answer is always a huge no!
The best advice I got was on this forum, you cannot base your future on the addicts behaviour. I kept wondering if he would get better, but the real question was, " Will I get better, and will I know better" .
If it was true love it will work and this may be a temporary setback, but you will never know unless you test him. See if he will do the work to be a real family, and if he won't then you will have already prepared for it. But you must prepare for both outcomes.
Only time will tell if your marriage can survive it, but you must consider how much you can emotionally,mentally, financially, invest in his recovery and still be "healthy " and still be "there" for your children?
I know I was never married, but I had the rings and just wouldn't make it official, becuase he never got better. My heart went out to you becuase the nights are the hardest part, but it gets drastically better even a few months later. In fact, I smile myself to sleep sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I have been married to my AH for 26 1/2 years and together for 30, he has been using to my knowledge for a year (the longest year of my life) I am assuming he started before he told me so likely more than a year.
Do any marriages survive, I know some that have but in the cases I know about the non-addict is miserbale.
I myself feel like an addict and like AD is my addiction. I wish you the best of luck...
Do any marriages survive, I know some that have but in the cases I know about the non-addict is miserbale.
I myself feel like an addict and like AD is my addiction. I wish you the best of luck...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
so sorry, lc, it must be tearing you up.
you are right, though, to put the children's needs in first place. we don't get a second chance with them, and the stakes are so high.
some people separate while working on their issues: his=recovery from addiction, yours=becoming a separate and stronger person, and raising your children.
perhaps if you two get some distance and have healing time, you can evaluate down the road a bit.
you are right, though, to put the children's needs in first place. we don't get a second chance with them, and the stakes are so high.
some people separate while working on their issues: his=recovery from addiction, yours=becoming a separate and stronger person, and raising your children.
perhaps if you two get some distance and have healing time, you can evaluate down the road a bit.
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