reluctantly moving forward
 

while trying to understand things about what i am doing/not doing i realized something-

i am afraid to let go. i am afraid to move forward. one of my friend's equates it to suvivor's guilt and i cannot disagree. if i move forward i leave her behind. for some reason, i feel guilty about that.

i'll take a couple steps forward, then turn around and take a couple steps back to where i started. it's like for some reason I am comforatable being in this quagmire that i do not want to be in. i guess it relates to me taking so long to overcome my own addictions and stuff that i have never known what life is like as a normal functioning person. there was the drama/trauma of youth, addiction, college, addiction, grad school, addiction, addiction replaced with codependency. i don't know anything else in some ways.

It's like a ragged dirty blanket that we continue to drag around long after it has served its purpose, Steve.

I get that. I really do.

I had survivor's guilt for many years after I left my EXAH. I'd ask why did I embrace recovery and yet he didn't get it?

My comfort zone was always living with dysfunction in my life. When I finally addressed my own addictions to alcohol/drugs, I still chose to seek out unhealthy relationships for a long time.

The only way to get past the fear is to walk through it.

Change is uncomfortable, but the discomfort will not kill you.

I'm currently working on undoing a lifetime of bad eating habits through a nutritional class. My triglycerides are extremely high, my bad cholesterol is up too. It's uncomfortable to do something different, but I'm sticking with it, one day at a time. I don't want to shorten my life anymore than I already have.

it's like duringhte chaos all i want is peace, but then when the time comes to have that peace, i feel bad that she doesnt have that peace. what is worse for me is that i feel guilty wanting her to be gone for a while so can have that peace.i have the thoughts of wanting the peace when things are bad, but when i get it i get consumed withthe fears of her being out onthe streets and i fee lguilty for pushing her aside.

She isn't out there because you "pushed her aside." She is out there because she WANTS to be out there. I'm not sure how many other ways there are to say it. She had several chances to do the detox/rehab thing and SHE CHOSE NOT TO.

thanks suki,
yes i have been told that many times, but for some reason if felt good to read that just now.

No one pushed her. She is on the streets because she chooses to be on the streets. She is an adult and responsible for herself.

Steve,

I was wondering how you are and have sent you prayers over the last week - as well as prayers for your friend. I agree with Suki .....she's just not done. She's had multiple opportunities and is choosing not to take them. No matter how badly we want recovery for someone it certainly makes no difference unless they want it for themselves.

Just a thought - maybe your nervous system got rewired from all of the chaos and drama. There is a kindling effect for people that have survived trauma when they encounter more. The things that have helped me a lot are things like Yoga and breathing techniques (Andrew Weil has a really good CD on it). Also, when I am at my worst it really helps me to listen to recovery type of tapes when I am in the car. I really have to surround myself with the messages that I keep needing to hear.

Take care of yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other -

Best....

For me, being a recovered addict, I see people that I started out in rehab back in rehab starting all over again. It hurts to see them Have to come back, it hurts because we were all on the road at the same time healing and sometimes it shakes my own faith that I won't stay clean. I hope I will continue to keep on being free.
Being free of addictions and all addictions is really tough. I still have a nicotine and caffiene addiction, I've about beat my cleaning obsession. I've worked those steps 5 ways to sunday but I've still got a few of those pesky addictions hanging around I can't quite let go of. I understand how hard this is.
She is your current addiction, and you say you're hanging on. Like you're keeping her from going off a cliff or something, that's the mental pic I got. She is flapping her wings hard to stay on her course and you're trying to hang on and she will fly because that's what she does is fly whether you hang on or not. You'll be pulled off that cliff while she flies away. I see it with my own smoking problem, I know it's bad for me, I hate every part of it but I still do it. Till I decide I'm done with it I suppose it's going to hang around with me some more. Why are we such creatures of habit. Hope you can loosen your grip.

I'm right there with you Steve. It is quite powerful to feel needed and be in their lives. But the cost is too huge. What about you Steve? who is there for you when you need someone or feel lost or hopeless?

I had a huge eye opener about my ABF's capacity when something sudden and traumatic happened to me during his relapse. I couldn't get a hold of him. He was binging and blacking out. I needed him more than anything and the sober him would have been there but the drunk/using him wasn't. It was a jolt to my system. I wanted to talk to him more than anything but he was so into his addictions that he couldn't be there for me.

I'm telling you this story because all relationships are about reciprocity; give and take. You are doing all the giving, she is doing all the taking. Don't you deserve someone to give back to you in appreciation for all the giving you do? You have a good heart and are a kind soul but when you are in a quagmire of your own, she will not be there for you. She will not return all the kindness you have shown her.

You just seem like a great guy who deserves to cut her loose and find someone who can give back to you. Work on healthy relationships with healthy friends and you'll see the difference.

Steve-I am sorry for your pain. Detaching is not easy but keep at it. It will get better.