NewMember: Friend of a Heroin Addict

Old 10-17-2010, 02:54 PM
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Angry NewMember: Friend of a Heroin Addict

My name is Jay. I was going out with a woman who I thought to be the "one." We went out for 2 yrs...and last yr she stole money from my house...a place I trusted her to be. She lied about it for 2 days & finally came clean and told me that she took the money. I stopped talking to her for months and then started talking to her again. A couple months ago I found a small bag of what looked like brown cocaine. I've never used coke or heroin before in my life, but I don't think I'm a stupid man either. She told me that the drugs weren't hers, but why would they be hidden in a tissue box in 'her' bathroom? I also noticed a change in her behavior as well as frequent trips to the bathroom; spending a good amount of time. I've noticed that a few times, she would be wide awake and then start to nod, sitting up, with her mouth wide open, and constantly drops the cigarette in her hand burning holes in her couch. A few weeks later I confronted her about my suspicions and she denied all of it. She soon stated that she would submit to a drug test. When I did, she refused to take it, then told me I could test her 2 days later. I used a HairConfirm test. The results came to me a couple days later...The results came up POSITIVE for cocaine and heroin...more on the heroin. She said I could check her for tracks, but I know from friends who have used H in the past that it can be smoked or snorted...leaving no tracks. I'm 90% sure she's snorting it...She said that she wants to stop, but has not displayed any visible signs of withdrawal; which leads me to believe that she's still using. While it's true that I've never been addicted to any hardcore drugs such as coke or heroin, I have lost people in my life who I cared about to drugs; as a lot of people have. She doesn't want to go to an inpatient facility...because of her new job. Her parents don't know either nor any of her family...I told her that she has to tell them. She tells me she will when she is ready...I've heard that from someone else before and it never happened...She is the love of my life...and even if there no possible way to salvage our relationship, I would still like to try to save her...

Should I tell her parents / family ? Can anyone give me some advice/help?

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Old 10-17-2010, 03:36 PM
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Welcome to SR, there are lots of great people here who have weathered the same storm you're in, take comfort from that. Also, the stickys are a great resource - must reads.

You say that you want to save her. Only she can save herself. You can't control this, you didn't cause this and you can't cure it. The three c's are words to live by. Also, please look into alanon in your area, these meetings can be very helpful. Peace and God bless.
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Old 10-17-2010, 05:40 PM
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Nerdgirl thank you for your input. I really do appreciate it...I'm happy to have finally found a place I can talk about how I'm feeling with other people who may or may not share the same experiences or atleast similar ones.
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Old 10-17-2010, 05:45 PM
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Welcome to SR....although I'm sorry for the reason you are here.

There's just no way to candy coat that loving an active addict is difficult. And unfortunately, we can't save them. If love could save my son from addiction, it would have been done long ago. He is loved so very much....but he chooses to continue to use and until he's had enough and is ready to surrender and acknowledge that his life is unmanageable.....there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's a very helpless feeling.

So.....what can we do? Well, I live my life. There have been times I've wanted to curl up in a corner and cry until he figures things out.....but that would be two lives wasted. So instead, I work, I work out, I watch movies, I read, I do whatever I need to do to enjoy my life. I tell him I love him and assure him that help is there when he is ready.

It's sad. It hurts. But those are the realities of loving an active addict.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-17-2010, 05:48 PM
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Until she gets clean, she will only drag you down. Addicts will steal, lie to your face, and make your life miserable. If she doesn't want to get help, then what are you supposed to do? I know you love her, but think of yourself first. I wish you luck.

I know how hard this is. My most recent ex is a heroin addict. In a matter of weeks, he almost destroyed the good things in my life
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:06 PM
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So do I let her know that I'm there for her when she decides that she wants to quit? Or do I just leave her alone all together? It's a paradox when you're emotionally invested isn't it? I know addiction can take anyone, kinda like a virus...there's no discrimination...I mean, I'm 28 and yeah I'm addicted to nicotine, as light of an addiction/or socially acceptable addiction as it is. It doesn't really compare to H. I went back to college and I work for a shipping company p/t. She's going to be 34, has her Master's degree, and teaches children with special needs (Autistic children). She's worked so hard...a rational person would turn down drugs especially since drug use on her exhusband's part ruined her last marriage.
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:13 PM
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How long do you suspect she's been using?
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:34 PM
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She said she wasn't using while we were together. However, I think she was using, but just hid it really well. So it could've been years. I know that since we broke up, she's used a lot.
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:44 PM
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i know exactly what you are going through. I am going through the same thing except with a pain pill addiction.

As hard as it is to accept, there is nothing we can do except take care of ourselves.

My addict will not admit there is a problem, althougth all the signs are there. And when he realized i was on to him, he left me.

I know that it is for the best and you need to think about this too. they have to want to help themselves and until that happens, our hands are tied. Do not let her drag you down with her.

One thing I have learned....no matter how much they love us...we can never compete with the addiction. It will always come first. I know that is a hard pill to swallow, but it is unfortunatly the truth.

I wish you much luck my friend, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:47 PM
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are you ready for a GOOD RIDE???....because if you STAY...its gonna be SO MUCH FUN!! so be prepared for: lying, cheating, sneaking, hiding...and then comes YOUR REACTIONs.....hummm...isn't life GRAND??....

go to AL ANON...get support and LEARN ABOUT YOU....
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Old 10-17-2010, 07:29 PM
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The cold hard truth always hurts...doesn't it?
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Old 10-17-2010, 07:33 PM
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For your sake, you need to get out of the relationship.

She can't love you if she can't love herself enough to take care of herself. When I got married and had children, I took better care of myself because my family needed me. I would not want them to suffer because I was reckless and got injured/crippled/killed because of it.

I know that 2 years seems like a long time and that you think your gf is the love of your life, but 2 years is a relatively short time for a relationship. A 2 year relationship is only long enough to get over infatuation and start getting to really know a person. I would not commit myself to perhaps years of drama/suffering/insanity based on a 2 year relationship.

If you tell her family, I think it would be the responsible thing to do because they have known her for her entire life and deserve to know. If you don't say anything, I would think her family would eventually figure out that something was wrong. But by the time they put it all together, things may have gotten really bad. Either way, it does not matter how much she needs help if she does not want help.
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Old 10-17-2010, 07:46 PM
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I would tell her family. Then, separate yourself from this relationship, as hard as it may seem right now. What you have to realize is there are two parts to an addict: the addiction and the person they truly are. In her case, the addiction has taken over. The person you knew and loved is gone. You can't have a relationship with an addict. They will lie, cheat, steal, basically do anything to keep their addiction going. Do you really want that in your life? You deserve better. Everybody does.

The only thing they love is their addiction. However, it's not really love, it's more like they're chained to a monster. Just recently, I read a Time Magazine article from 1965 about two heroin addicts in a relationship. The article described their addiction as: "It is their jealous lover, and their wrathful God." Sad, but true.

I'm hurting too right now. I know what you're feeling.
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Old 10-17-2010, 07:51 PM
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It is one of the hardest truths any of us live with.

I disagree about telling her family tho' that just really isn't your place to do that, it's her family. IMO

Check out the stickies above, make yourself at home, read posts...others who have been there will be along soon enough. (Other than me..I don't have any experience with that kind of addiction)
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:35 AM
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I agree about not telling the family, as that is not your place, unless you are all very close. that said...

your post is nearly the exact thing i wrote about two years ago, and then four months ago. i was and still am in the same position as you. and your gf is in the same position mine was in. everyone i have known who does H has started by sniffing it, but eventually they are around someone who cajoles them into the needle. and the cycle gets worse because that was an even better high than before.

i do not know if i underestimated addiction, overestimated my gf, or what, but given the opportunity to give someone advice, i would say, as hard and painful and scary as it is, the best thing for you to do is step back.

you might say you want to help her, maybe before things get worse, but htere is little you can do. if she is not serious about getting help, nothing you do will matter. we tend to think the person we know is not as bad as the others, we still see the glimmer of hope in their eyes, we want so badly for things to improve and to be able to step forward together. even your gf wants that, and she can get ready to make that first step then bam...the addiction calls her back for just one more.

i lost count of how many "one more's" i have been through the past couple of months.

i knew my friend had sort of been using, but hen was clean for a long time. but there was also an overlap between then and when she got really bad during which she was hiding her use. then one day something happened and she just gave in. i had not been having too much contact at the time, we were still friends, but were both busy with our lives. i got a text from her roomate toward the end of june asking if i had seen her because no one had seen her for a few days. he told me what he thought was going on- that she was living on the streets, turning tricks, and getting high.

the world spun around me and without a thought i went out looking for her. hours and hours until i found her. i did it because i love her as a person and she has no real family. she has always been a bit alone and has always had some issues. i didn;t even want to save her, i just wanted her to know she was loved.

well, we began hanging out more and more, and her mom was coming from across the country to see her. i wanted to keep her safe until then. i helped her to stay off the streets by paying for her dope. her mom came and everything was so nice. plans were made for detox and rehab. she was very excited about getting her life back together and maybe being with me again. even though she was using, things seemed good. until she bailed out of the detox center after less than two days.

i was understanding and willing to do anything to keep her safe and allow her to find the help she wanted and needed. this was around july 11th. i had already lost a month of summer, but that was ok, she was going to get better. i felt myself slipping. i was not feeling like me, i wasnt doing the things i would be doing, i was getting pulled into her orbit. but that was ok, because she was going to get better.

we talked and talked about stuff, she cried and cried about stuff. she wanted to stop and have a normal life with me and because i have known her for so long and felt a certain way about her, i wanted that too. she would go to rehab and then we could begin a cool life together.

now it is nearing the end of august. i traded the hot humid days of summer for countless trips to get heroin and crack. i traded in summer for scramble after scramble to come up with money. i would do anything to keep her off the streets. she would say she was so grateful and i believe part of her really was, but at the same time, very very rarely would she say- you know what- i'm not going to do more tonight, i've put you through enough. instead i found myself in this constant spinning unbalanced vertigo and on top of that i been getting very sick.

i finally gave an ultimatum, she had to go to get clean or i could not let her stay with me. jsut before dawn about an hour before we would have had to leave, she calmly told me she wasn't ready. i accepted that and took her where she wanted to go. and just like that after about 8 weeks of keeping her of fthe streets and keeping her from having to trick, she was onthe streets tricking again.

i couldn't let go. i would see her every day or so. i would give her what i could afford to make her not have to work as much. my parents came to stay with me for a while because they had medical stuff to tend to. i hid her from them. i was living a double life. keeping her in hotels, letting her sleep in my car, i was never home. i'd put in a few hours with them here and there, but they knew. they figured it all out.

now it is past mid-october and nothing has changed since june except that i lost a lot of money, i lost the summer, i lost doing things i enjoy, i lost a prt-time job and can be on the verge of losing my regular job. i lost nearly everything. and you know what- after all of that, none of her actions have changed. she'll go on doing her thing and i am stuck picking up the pieces. you have a chane to avoid this.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:10 AM
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Wow, Steve, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Think about how much stronger you are now because of it. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Addicts don't stop until THEY want to, and sometimes (if and when they do), they have to hit completely rock bottom for that happen. *hugs*
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
I disagree about telling her family tho' that just really isn't your place to do that, it's her family. IMO
I totally agree with this, please work on YOU....
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:40 PM
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Steve, thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm so sorry about your situation. I know how I feel about drug use. Since I've never been addicted like the way she is nor the way you describe your gf, I don't know if I could ever sympathize, if that's the right word. I did take a step back from her and every day she asks me if I miss her or if I love her. I do...she says she misses me and wants me to say it back. Instead, I substitute it with "Ditto" as stupid as it sounds. She says to me, "I wish you would say the words." I tell her I wish things too. She keeps assuring me that she is "working" to get clean. I don't know what that means. I hope it doesn't mean what I think it sounds like...but there I go, thinking about it too much. It's hard, I know it is...for me....

It's all very confusing. A day without the "original" her, is like a day w/o air (dramatic). But, a day w/o worrying whether she's using or not is like a day of freedom.
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:44 PM
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I won't tell her parents/family. It isn't my place...that's my initial feeling on the subject.
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:57 PM
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Cool Friend of a Heroin Addict: UPDATE

Tonight, she attended her first NA meeting and I went along for support. She admitted to everyone, while not at first, that she was an addict. She wasn't the only beginner and I do hope that she will continue to go to meetings. Only time will tell what will happen with her. For now, I'm taking a step back, working on me...
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