setback and sad

Old 10-17-2010, 06:12 AM
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setback and sad

I had a very rough night last night and just need to share.

I've been lying to myself about my own recovery from codependency and from detaching from the guy (addict) who I was/still am interested in.

He and I are in the same social group of friends at work and we all hang out from time to time. I wish I could just cut him out of my life, but I would then lose a whole group of friends. Although, after last night, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to extricate myself from this group of friends.

One of these friends is a Mary Kay sales rep, so several of us got together for her to do a show last night. Everyone got high last night on pot, except for me. I really hate drugs, and I will not compromise myself or my integrity just to fit into this crowd.

The truth is, I miss this guy so very much. I miss the old him, before he started getting high again. When things really fell apart between us, he said it was because he felt that we didn't have enough in common. I didn't understand fully until last night as to what he meant. The party was at his place last night, and I realized just how much his life has changed since we met. He was almost 2 years completely sober when we met, but now he and his roommates (his old roommate kicked him out) drink and get stoned together. I really couldn't and don't fit into this new life he has created for himself, and it makes me so very sad. I truly have lost him.

We all went out to a club after the party, and after a little while, he said he wanted to go home. He said he was very high and wanted to go enjoy it, and that he wasn't enjoying it while we were out at the club. Getting high isn't a social thing for him, he wants to enjoy it by himself.

I am going to an Al-anon meeting tonight and a Coda meeting tomorrow night It's been awhile since I've been to a meeting. Maybe I can get a little bit of sanity back.

It is so very hard for me to see him as he is today, rather than how he was 6 or 7 months ago. Some days its a little bit easier than others. I miss the emotional connection with him so very much I loved him with all my heart...still do...the old him.
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Old 10-17-2010, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
It might help you to go back and read your very first post here from 7 months ago. At that time you were then just thinking about getting involved with him, and he said he had almost 2 years sober and then he conveniently relapsed within a couple of weeks of your first post. You fell in love with pretend guy, and now he is back to real guy.
It was all a fantasy I suppose. I really thought I would be over it by now. I probably would be if I didn't have to see him every day at work. It's a constant reminder of what I have lost.
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Old 10-17-2010, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
You've lost a fantasy. The reality is that he's an addict in active addiction with the associated lifestyle, drama, and chaos with whom you have little in common other than being co-workers.

What are your passions, interests, hobbies?
I fortunately haven't completely lost myself. I still am active in my own interests. I didn't get in anywhere near as deep as a lot of people do.

I guess I really need to work on seeing for who he really is now.
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Old 10-17-2010, 11:25 AM
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[QUOTE=oshkoshberjosh;2739560]I fortunately haven't completely lost myself. I still am active in my own interests. I didn't get in anywhere near as deep as a lot of people do.

Im sorry, but hanging out with a bunch of pot heads and party animals at clubs seems "deeper" into addiction than what we are all trying to accomplish on here, recovery and try to live a life without drugs.why in the world would you be in an enviroment like that? then question why he acts the way he does when he is high? wouldnt that be like anyone of us out partying with our loved ones,then complain about their use and behavior? you need to change YOU.
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Old 10-17-2010, 12:32 PM
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[QUOTE=tam;2739649]
Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
I fortunately haven't completely lost myself. I still am active in my own interests. I didn't get in anywhere near as deep as a lot of people do.

Im sorry, but hanging out with a bunch of pot heads and party animals at clubs seems "deeper" into addiction than what we are all trying to accomplish on here, recovery and try to live a life without drugs.why in the world would you be in an enviroment like that? then question why he acts the way he does when he is high? wouldnt that be like anyone of us out partying with our loved ones,then complain about their use and behavior? you need to change YOU.
I had never been around any of those people (except for the addict) while they were high before. This was a first...and a last.
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Old 10-17-2010, 03:49 PM
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There are alot of people in your age group who do not have to go to clubs and get high.
Start branching out, find some new outlets, if necessary start looking for a new job. It is up to you to make the changes.
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Old 10-17-2010, 05:05 PM
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I understand where you are coming from. I was so impressed by my ABF's dedication to his recovery and how 'together' he seemed. Turned out that was a mirage. He worked really hard to convince me he was doing so much better than he was. Maybe your guy did the same? He may have been much more fragile then he let on. Yes so he didnt use for 2 years but how close did he come to it and how hard of a daily struggle was it for him. It is different for everyone in recovery I suspect. Some are ready, get stronger, put their lives back together while others languish and are always an inch away from using.

It is important to be realistic. Completely realistic and honest about addiction and how it controls their lives, even while in recovery. You miss the person he was showing you, the 'good' him when he isn't using. He wasn't going to discuss the person he became when he is using. I always found it interesting how when my ABF would mention his 'drinking days', he would clam up and not want to talk about it. Later on I found out that he had been in jail several times, homeless, fired from jobs, etc. I would have never thought that was the person sitting in front of me, ther person who seemed so down to earth and loving. His life while in addiction is total and complete chaos. I went through a recent relapse with him and whoo boy was it an eye opener!

I also realized that I had fallen for some fantasy. I still love him and going through his relapse actually brought us closer but I also have very strict boundaries. I will NOT ever hang out with his drinking life. I don't want him to associate me with it. You got a glimpse of all the chaos and drama that goes with an addicts life. It is very disappointing to be sure but you gotta accept that is who he REALLY is.

I know it sucks. But even if this were to work out, you have to love the real person, not the fantasy.
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Old 10-17-2010, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
It is so very hard for me to see him as he is today, rather than how he was 6 or 7 months ago. Some days its a little bit easier than others. I miss the emotional connection with him so very much I loved him with all my heart...still do...the old him.
I'm going through the same thing hun. My mom summed it up best, and I think it applies for you as well: "When he was trying to be the best person he could be, the person deep down he desperately wanted to be, you were everything he ever wanted. Take that as a compliment."
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
One of these friends is a Mary Kay sales rep, so several of us got together for her to do a show last night. Everyone got high last night on pot, except for me. I really hate drugs, and I will not compromise myself or my integrity just to fit into this crowd.
What are you getting out of being with people like that?

You do realize that everyone getting high at a Mary Kay party isn't normal, right?

I wouldn't compromise my integrity by spending a single moment in a situation like that.

I think there are issues much deeper than this particular guy.
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
What are you getting out of being with people like that?

You do realize that everyone getting high at a Mary Kay party isn't normal, right?

I wouldn't compromise my integrity by spending a single moment in a situation like that.

I think there are issues much deeper than this particular guy.

I should have left the party. I fell into the codependency trap of worrying about what other people would think of me if I left, instead of taking care of myself. Hence the codie relapse.

I have now talked to three of the people at the party, including the guy, and have expressed my dissatisfaction with the situation and made it clear to them all what my boundaries are.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:06 PM
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Oshkosh, Since you work with these people it's going to be very hard to cut them out of your life, unless you want to quit your job. You can still be friends with all of them, without judging them. If they use alcohol and weed that's their problem. Years ago I was in a similar situation and I remember a very wise woman telling me the meaning of being in it, but not of it. Go to work, do your job, and go home. If there is a business get together or something like that, you don't have to go, but if you decide to go, you don't have to do what they do, and you can leave when you want to. Now I know why my mother used to tell me the expression, you don't $hit where you eat. In other words don't date people from work. Sorry that this guy conned you into thinking he was straight and sober. The real true person surfaces eventually. Find yourself a nice guy and move on. Even though you like this guy and care for him, you also realize that he is a party person. That's not good for you. If I were you I wouldn't say anything to the people at work about how you feel about the way they party. Because it's not going to stop them from partying. And it might give them reason to dislike you. That would just make going to work a bit more difficult for you. Keep yourself neutral and keep your thoughts to yourself. I'm glad you were able to see that you don't want to be involved in that type of behavior. Good for you.
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Old 10-19-2010, 07:41 PM
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Oshkosh, I know it's hard to see it right now, but you should be glad that he's out of your life. I know you miss him (the old him), but you will get through this. You will see how strong you are as a person. Time will heal your wounds. The person that he has become is not the person you want in your life. He will only bring you pain. I'm sorry you miss the old him. You saw pieces of a person that you care about. You didn't see the whole person, nor do you know the whole person.

Figure out how to pick up the pieces of your life. Do whatever you need to start over and smile again. I know how much hurt you are feeling right now
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Old 10-19-2010, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
It was all a fantasy I suppose. I really thought I would be over it by now. I probably would be if I didn't have to see him every day at work. It's a constant reminder of what I have lost.
I have another idea as well. It's like the chocolate cake that you shouldn't eat because you're a compulsive sugar eater. But you work in a bakery, and every once in awhile, you just have a few bites. What torture!

Oh, the tricks our minds play on us when we are trying to make something so. I truly believe that if you are interacting with this man more than just the necessary, brief, work-related way (maybe can't even do that) you will have a tough, tough time. That's based on my own experience. I wanted it this way and that way, and only after have no contact could I make the break emotionally.

If you have read a lot of these threads, you will see that many of us sell out our value system in order to be in the addict's life. It's sick, but it's what we do. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you don't fit in with these guys. You dont, and there are other, beautiful and healthier people out there that you WILL fit in with. Go find them.:ghug3
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