Update on my AS

Old 10-16-2010, 08:10 AM
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Update on my AS

Just wanted to let everyone know what is going on with me and my AS....

Don't know if you remember, but a few months ago AS and the addict friend he was living with were evicted. He called and asked to come home (and bring the friend who had nowhere to go). My husband, who is his stepfather, and I said no. We would give him a ride to a detox facility, but nothing more. He floated around for awhile, and when his other "friends" got tired of him, he ended up in a local homeless shelter.

He had been through treatment twice before and called one of those facilities. They helped him get into detox and put him on the list for a 28-day program there. After 5 days at the detox center, he was discharged with a letter of completion and recommendation to 3 local treatment centers. Money was not an issue since he has none. He called me that night and asked for a place to stay as until he could get into the treatment center in the morning. When we picked him up, it was obvious he thought he would be staying with us "until he could get in." The next morning, I took off work and drove him to the treatment center and dropped him off. He said, "What if I can't get in?" I said, "I guess you will have to go back to the homeless shelter." He said, "How will I get there?" I said, "I don't know."

He got a job and left the homeless shelter when a friend who was in recovery offered him a place to stay until he was able to get into the 28-day program.

He seemed to be doing so well, I began to "help" him again. I bought him a bike at a garage sale for $20 to "help" him get back and forth to work and to AA meetings. I gave him some money to "help" him get through the couple of weeks until his first paycheck. I got him a cell phone to "help" him call the guy he was going to ask to sponsor him. Of course, I didn't tell anyone I was giving him money.....

Well..... he wrecked the bike one night because he was high. The damage to his face was pretty severe, and the sober friend he was living with took him to the hospital and then told him the next day he would have to leave. He called and asked me for money to go to the doctor as he had "broken bones in his face." He was with an old "friend" who is also an addict. They were driving around to different doctors trying to get pain meds. I told him no, but I would pick him up and drive him to the treatment center which I did. They told him they would see what they could do to get him moved up on the list. I drove him back to the homeless shelter.

It's hard to put into words the feeling I had seeing him stand there with his bag at the shelter crying. I cried all the way home. He had used the cell phone I bought him to find drugs. He had used the bike I bought him to score drugs. And, he had used the money I had given him to buy the drugs. All the while, giving me the old song and dance about wanting to be in recovery. I was heartbroken. Fooled again by my own disease....

At this time, he is in the local charity hospital. They operated on his face yesterday. With no money or transportation (or help from me), he found his way there, showed up for his preop appointment, and showed up for his surgery. He sent me a text message yesterday that said, "I'm alive."

I haven't called him back or answered his texts. I love my son, but I believe I have finally reached the point of surrender and am letting go of this struggle. He is 33 and I have dealt with his addiction and mine for 15+ years. I'm tired.

I could never had made it through the last few days without my friends in recovery. I have read and re-read the posts here on detachment and letting go. I have talked to others in the program who have helped me take a look at my own actions. I posted this because it helped me so much to write it out and I hope it helps someone else to read it.

Thank you for listening.
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:57 AM
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Wow.. I am sorry you are going through all of this, but glad you have a support system. He showed you he is capable of taking care of himself, so let him. You don't have to answer his text (I remember when someone said that to me..totally foreign concept) or you can wait to have contact until you feel ready. As for giving him money..consider it a down payment on a priceless lesson. No doubt you are tired after 15 years.When he wants it, he will do it..and there are others out there better qualified to help him when that time comes.Sometimes the best and kindest thing we can do is let them feel the FULL force of the consequences of their addictions. I'm the mom of an AD and I really feel for you..hang in there and keep focused on your recovery..
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:33 AM
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Hunny
Your post brought tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart to see a mother's love and concern turned into a means of accessing and using drugs. Your post DOES help me (my AS is 29 and in a rapid downward spiral--similar situation to what you are dealing with). It helps to see what happens when we let go of our own recovery lessons even just a little bit. Those are reminders that I need every single day. Thank you for posting this......it is a reminder of what I could also do very easily if I didn't watch myself.

I will keep your son in my prayers that he may find a way toward recovery. And I will keep you in my prayers that you can be strong in your own.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:34 PM
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Hunny I so understand where you are coming from. You have alot more years on me and my husband thou when it comes to dealing with your son. Our son is soon to be 22 and is mirroring your son, we have been dealing with him hardcore for almost 4 years.
I don't know how long he can continue to abuse himself the way he does and survive.
He has NO fear!!!
I can feel your pain in your post, as I have similar heartache with my own son. Each time he goes to rehab things look better for a short time...it must be the honeymoon syndrome! Then inivitably he self sabotages. I am so in disbelief.... WHY??? I have so many mixed emotions. Living like this is mentally and emotionally draining.
I pray to GOD 24/7 that he will take my son's addiction away. I pray my son will save himself! I can not begin to even comprehend the struggle with addiction.
I am so dang mad that he opened pandora's box!

Hugs to you mom!
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Old 10-16-2010, 06:35 PM
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hunny - the is no weariness like the weariness of carrying another person's addiction - our own addictions can tire us out but we have it within our power to do something about our own struggles - we cannot make those decisions for someone else even someone so important to us as our son - i know that the only comfort and strength i have found is in God and His faithfulness - i saw a quote on a church sign the other day - it said "with faith in God the dark clouds of trouble are just the shadow of His wings" - i am the mother of an AS who is in jail right now with about 2 years ahead of him in some state correctional facility - you and your son will be in my prayers
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:35 PM
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It's hard to put into words the feeling I had seeing him stand there with his bag at the shelter crying. I cried all the way home. He had used the cell phone I bought him to find drugs. He had used the bike I bought him to score drugs. And, he had used the money I had given him to buy the drugs. All the while, giving me the old song and dance about wanting to be in recovery. I was heartbroken. Fooled again by my own disease....
honey,

This could have been written by me. I too, bought the bike, a cell phone for him when he went to the shelter, and money sent there was used for a few beers for every one. he is so kindhearted- he shared his money and smokes I sent
oh, i have tears and pain in my heart as I read this. I pray for the clarity and strength that you seem to have.
I pray for you and your son. I know that this is hard for you. God bless you.

He seems to be growing in some good ways, your son.
I am glad that you love him enough to let go, and to let him figure out things on his own. my son is 38, and i waffle from being strong, and then go to being made sick by his manipulations and by his addiction (tho he does not drink or drug, no money for it), he is trying every trick to make me feel enough pity and/or guilt, so that i might give in, and buy beer , for his terrible depression and anxiety. i am not, tho sometimes i think it would be easier if i just kept him drunk for the rest of his life, than to listen to his sad /angry complaints all the time- but of course i would not do that.

how true, that it is so hard to carry someone elses addiction along with our own. you are doing a fantastic job. I hope that you are finding peace. You seem to be fine tuning your dealings with him, and it is obvious that it takes some times, in most situations, before we get it right. I am not doing well , but your post gives me hope and thank you for sharing it. I cannot believe how similar this is to my life, but without your wisdom, detachment skills, and strength.

sending wishes for good things for both of you,
chicory
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:21 PM
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Been there and done that. I know the heart pain you are having. Maybe he's learned something from this experience. We can only hope. Take care of yourself.

Sending prayers and blessings.
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:56 PM
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My son didn't survive addiction...it killed him.
Reading about your son reminds me just how awful addiction is and how it will
literally ruin a child's life. Addicts keep using no matter the consequences.
It is beyond comprehension.
My son was sober the two yrs. before he died. In those two yrs. he still struggled
with severe depression. However, the loving, honest, witty son I raised came back for those two yrs.
When our kids are addicts they become someone we can't even know, trust or get close to.

I hope you get your son back one day soon.
I hope you have moments of peace in the mean time.
Don't give up on him, stay connected. You did the right thing
to help him in the baby-steps way you did. He just couldn't get clean yet.
It sounds like he wishes he was.
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:34 PM
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Hunny, as the mother of an addict son, I can honestly say, I know what your feeling. It's the worst pain in the world to sit and watch your son destroy himself. Be strong, and help only with recovery, and do nothing for active addiction. Don't beat yourself up for helping him when you did. You did it out of love and good intentions. At least you know you did everything you could do for him. Your a good mother.

Addiction is a horrible disease. The brain keeps on sending the addict back out to get drugs. Even if he doesn't want to do them, he keeps going for them. It's a horrible thing. There is always hope, and sometimes you have to be thankful for what you have. Your son isn't dead, and he still has a chance to do something with his life. He's only 33 and even though he is a grown man with these terrible problems, he can still change if he really wants to. Even though I knew I should detach from my son, I couldn't. Detaching and letting him go through the consequences of his actions, might be the thing that saves his life. Your doing the right thing. It doesn't mean you don't love your son, it means that you need to survive and take care of yourself. My son's addiction to drugs almost killed me. I should have detached for my own health, and I couldn't. I didn't eat or sleep for 3 years, and I suffered along with my son. To be honest I suffered more. He ate, he slept, and he got relief by using his drugs. I didn't. He finally decided to clean up, and he is totally straight now. It's only been 5 months, so I don't really know which way it's going to go, but I pray for my son every day. There are many mothers on this site that have lost their sons to addiction. I ache inside for those women. I can't imagine the suffering they have to endure. Well, actually, I can. Reading your son story reminded me, how painful and heart breaking this disease is for us as moms. Try to envision your son happy and healthy and drug free, living the life you would want for him. Ask GOD to guide him to what it is you want for him. My daily prayers are said for all of the struggling addicts in active addiction, and in recovery. Your son included. I sure hope things turn around for you and your son.
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Old 10-17-2010, 08:31 AM
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Dear Hunny,
I wanted to add my thanks to you for sharing your story. I am also the mother of an AS, 29, and know very well the toll it takes on us. My attempts at detachment haven't been successful lately. He's not been able to get into rehab because of insurance. He recently saw a Dr. in the ER, who gave him a prescription for xanax and pain pills.
He has an appt at the methadone clinic on Tuesday...waiting a week for "test results". Railing at "the system" does no good, obviously. Just adds more frustration. My resolve to keep him from coming home has vanished. He works "on call" and gets paid rarely. So...I am barely making ends meet.
I have a great group of CoDA friends and attend meetings regularly. I also attend Naranon, and highly recommend it. They have been a life & sanity-saver for me for several years.

God bless you, Hunny. Stay in touch.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:14 AM
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Hunny,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the update of you & your son. It helps to remind me how many times I have gone through the exact same things w/my son, to not put on the rose colored glasses and get lazy in my actions.

Joan
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Old 10-18-2010, 02:00 PM
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Thank you for sharing Hunny. I too have a 25 year old AS. I feel your pain, I too have had to drive away leaving my son standing on a corner with tears streaming down his cheeks and his little bag, I pray that will not be the last memory I have of him. Praying for you all.
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