Talked to AS yesterday
 

Well......I finally talked with my AS yesterday. The last I had heard from him prior to this is that he was going in to talk to the doctors at detox. And then nothing. For the last couple of weeks (since Sept 28th) I wasn't sure where he was or if he was alive.

He did post last week on his facebook so that did give me the hint that he was still alive but what he posted was ominous. He changed his picture to a picture of a bridge near us--it looks much like the Golden Gate Bridge--and is one that he has threatened to jump off of before multiple times(suicide threat).

When he called, he talked. I listened. I didn't try to convince him of anything. I didn't argue with him. I just actively listened and told him how sorry I was that things were so bad for him. I told him I love him. He told me he needed to get off the phone but that he would call me back.

When he called back about an hour later, it was pretty obvious that he had used something (based on the slurry words and his claims of being tired, I'm assuming heroin). We talked a little more. He said he was very sad and needed to go to sleep. He said he's been couch surfing and had a couch to sleep on today.

He said that he has lost his wallet--which means that he has no identification. That is the one thing that bothers me but I cannot control it. I can't help but feel in my gut that he is at a crossroad.......death or redemption. But then I read about addicts who live like this for years and years. I wonder......is there hope? Or has he gone so far that there is no return.

I offered to meet him somewhere and buy him lunch. But he said he didn't feel up to it. I haven't seen him now in about two months.

I told him I loved him again. He told me he loves me.

I thought I did a rather good job of being loving but detached while on the phone with him. And then had a good cry after getting off the phone. And went back to painting my kitchen and found my balance again.

I wrote him an email in hopes that he will get it sometime as he occasionally sleeps on a couch somewhere with an internet connection. It simply reiterates that the option for rehab will always be on the table but that I won't offer it again.....if he wants it, all he needs to do is ask.

This is just a status update. Sometimes it's nice to have a place to come to tell all of this to so that it is out of me and I can go back to concentrating on myself and my own (flawed) recovery.

As a mother, I'm not sure I will ever be able to completely ignore him or remove him from my life. I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. It seems like it would be a form of abandonment that is unacceptable behavior from a parent. Between my contacts with him though......I'm working very hard on MY life and living it as best I can. And for the most part I try to be happy....or fake it till I make it.

This is the burden that I carry. It is what God has placed in my path. It is not what I would have chosen for myself or for my son but it is what it is. I am learning to love him as an addict and allow him the dignity to deal with his life and deal with his own crisises.....of which there are many. I am not rushing in to help him and it is a struggle not to....but that is MY struggle to deal with. We all have our "cross" to bear, don't we.

Thanks for letting me spew.

gentle hugs

Good job, Kindeyes.

yes, excellent work, Mother!
and, yes, I believe in hope.

As a mother, I'm not sure I will ever be able to completely ignore him or remove him from my life. I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. It seems like it would be a form of abandonment that is unacceptable behavior from a parent. Between my contacts with him though......I'm working very hard on MY life and living it as best I can. And for the most part I try to be happy....or fake it till I make it.


Kind Eyes...I don't think you should ignore him or remove him from your life. My friend went completely NC with her sister (an addict) . Her sister died of a sudden anyreusm during that time. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I try to remember that when dealing w/my AD when she is active..minimal contact is fine, it just depends on what you can handle. It sounds like you did a wonderful job. It's so nice when we suprise ourselves like that, isn't it? There is hope, keep up the positve things you are doing.

(((((((((((((((((Kindeyes )))))))))))))))
You are amazing and conduct yourself with such grace and compassion in the
relationship with your son given the dreadful spiral that he is in.
You are proof that :

" LOVE bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things "

Never ever give up on your son !
He is very sick and though he can not demonstrate it, your love is the one positive constant in his life.

hugs, Trisha

Thank you all for your kind responses. The support that I receive here on SR is so vital to me maintaining my sanity. I thank GOD for all of you while at the same time wishing that we didn't have this issue in common. I am thankful for my NarAnon family. And my dear dear husband who is my rock.

I feel as though I am grieving the loss of my son yet he is still living and breathing. He's just so far from the person I knew and raised. In some ways, he is very much a stranger to me......but my love for him is eternal.

Trisha......it has been our conversations that have helped keep me in balance....I hope you know how much you have helped me and you are often in my thoughts and prayers. You amaze me that you are able to offer such support when you are in need of so much support yourself. You are an amazing woman and it was at your suggestion that I changed my tactic with my son. Thank you. Your strength gives me strength and I hope you know that I am here for you too......anytime.

gentle hugs

Kindeyes, what you did very much resembles what I did with my daughter. I didn't do it with expectations, it was just me doing what was necessary for myself and with love in my heart. I took my fear and turned it into an act of love. She's coming up on 10 months of sobriety soon, and the daughter I have now is better than the one I had before.

Keep the faith Kindeyes :)

(((Kindeyes))) ******* (((Spiritual Seeker))),

Thank you for loving your sons while demonstrating that it's perfectly okay to also love yourselves. And for continuing to share your experiences and knowledge. It's always good, ladies. :)

This is how I feel, also...I would never want to live with the thought that my daughter EVER felt abandoned by the person who loves her more than anyone else on this earth does.

If you don't have your MOTHER'S support and love...well, I just can't imagine the loss that would seem to be to an emotionally fragile little lamb.

Amen and amen. The children we knew are no longer there. I can only hold onto the hope that this isn't always the case. That the real deal is just buried in the rubble. I don't know...can hardly bear the thought of not getting that sweet soul back.

KIndeyes- I am glad that you heard from your son and I think you handled it as well as could be expected. If he did visit the detox, he may have just gotten on a waitlist or been given info. He may still find himself there in time. I am in a similar boat with my AD. She could not manage detox but it seems she has been to the county board of health based on some mail that came to my house today. So, I am hoping that she is seeking help. There is always hope that these kids will find their way.

I'm glad you heard from him and I think you handled it very very well.

Detaching with love is just that...we step back from trying to "do" for them what they can and should do for themselves,
but we can let them know that even on their worst day, they are loved.

He knows where help is when he is ready and my guess is that he may be ready sooner than you think.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

Kindeyes, mom hugs from me too. For me, detachment with love meant just that - I did it from a place of love. I love him and I always will. I just don't need a front row seat to his self destruction.

I'm glad you heard from him, and also glad you were able to go back to your painting. You're doing a great job with all this.

kindeyes - i am so glad you heard from your son - the hours spent wondering can be so hard - even the smallest hint that he is alive is such a relief - and i am sure hearing from you that you love him was balm to his aching soul - i pray it will be a catalyst for him to realize he must take a step - my prayers will continue with you and him

Kindeyes,

I am so glad that you heard from your son. I feel it is a good sign, that he contacts you, and talks with you. Not as often as you would like, I am sure, but he is keeping in touch.

I read today that when we talk to our addicted children, we are talking to the drugs. Our children are still there, but they are under that influence.

I am glad that you are able to be so strong for your son. that takes such love, Kindeyes. you are facing a bear of a fear, all because of the love and hope that you keep for him. I dont think we ever have to turn away from them. we are always there, when they really need us- when they are ready to get themselves back again.

I am praying for him, and I shall keep on praying for him, for i believe in prayer, and i have had so many answered in my life. I know that God is good.

Take good care of you momma kindeyes. Your son knows he is loved, and that will keep the line of communication open between you both. You are truly a wonderful mom.

big hugs for you, and prayers, prayers, prayers for recovery to come quickly for your son, and for Gods hands to keep you steady, and that you feel Him near.
xoxoxo
chicory

Kindeyes,

I too, am glad that you have heard from your son. May it allow you to sleep in peace tonight.

Just a big hug for you, sweetie... wish I had magical powers instead. :hug:

(((Kindeyes))) - I think you did great. My dad never abandoned me, when I was active. He would drive to the town I was in, every couple months or so, track me down, buy me lunch, and we'd eat it at the park. He asked me, some time after I'd gotten clean "did that mean anything to you?" I told him it did. Of course, I also felt the shame that comes with using, but I knew I was loved. He'd also offered rehab, but I just wasn't ready.

After coming here, reading all of your stories, I have a better idea of what I put my family through, and it doesn't feel good. However, I have a better relationship, now, with my dad than I've ever had. A big part of that, is what I've learned by coming here.

I truly pray that your son finds his way to recovery. I was about as far down as you could get, and I found my way...there's hope he will too.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thank you again......all of you wonderful, kind, loving people out there. You renew my faith in man(and woman)kind. I am so very thankful that I found SR and all of you. I wish I could give each and every one of you a gentle hug. All of you have your own burdens to bear with your addicted loved ones--yet you take the time to comfort and support others. You are all amazing.

I just got back from my NarAnon meeting tonight. It was a good meeting.

You know....it does work if you work it.

gentle hugs

Great big mama (((((hugs)))) to you Kindeyes. I too am grieving the loss of my son who continues to breathe. If losing an eye didn't do it for him, I am fearful of what all he has to lose before he hits that proverbial wall and what is going to be left of him mentally and physically. I thank God for this site.

Sojourner

((((Kindeyes)))) many mom hugs to you. Thank you for posting. So glad and thankful you heard from your son. Your contributions to the forum here have helped me tremendously. Your son is fortunate to have you for his mom. I'm sure we can all sense your intense love for him but your willingness to change your instincts and do what's best for yourself, all the while hoping/praying the best for your son as well. I have not reached this same point with my AD, but reading here helps me realize what may well come to be, but that I can survive anything if I work the program.

Hang in there Kindeyes <3