new here and need advice

Old 10-13-2010, 05:54 PM
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Location: Louisiana
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new here and need advice

well I am new here and my story is kind of long. My past: 6 years ago i left a 4 year relationship with someone who was addicted to pain pills and coke. throughout that relationship I endured everything under the sun and finally walked away and never looked back. it was the best move I ever made. I dated many people after but didnt ever really get serious with anyone. I did and still do have a huge "no drug" rule with anyone I dated. I always made it known early in a relationship that i had no tolerance for drugs. So fast forward 6 years. I meet a new guy. I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. I hade never met this guy before but knew his past just from small town gossip. His past: 6 years ago he went into rehab for pain pill addiction. when he got out he joined the army and left our small town. He served 15 months in Afghanistan and when he returned he moved to a base closer to home. Everyone I knew said how the army had changed him and he wasnt the loser/pill head anymore. So around Christmas 09 he asked me out. things went really fast. After 2 months of dating he was talking marriage and was ready to have a child. (neither of us have any. Im 35, he is 31) so it sounded reasonable. However, then i started seeing the red flags. In April, I found out he borrowed money from my brother and when I confronted him, he denied it. and he still hasnt paid it back. A week later, he totaled my car and though he offered, he didnt pay one penny to help me out to get a new one. he comes in every weekend from the army base and stays in my house and doesnt pay a penny because he says hes broke. He was injured in the war (back injury) and the army docs give him a prescription for lortab and vicodin. anything we do, I have to pay for and sometimes he asks to borrow money or for me to put gas in his car. Again, he cant even take me to taco bell. I served in a wedding in Florida this summer and he wanted to come and assured me he would pay for half of everything...what I got? You guessed it...nothing. he did agree to pay a bill for me once and he sent a money order and lo and got lost in the mail and never made it there. I dont think he ever sent it. and the clincher is i recently went through his phone and read texts to several people looking for lortab on 3 different occasions. when i confronted him on it he first denied it, then said that this was the first time he ever went looking for pills on the street.and that he was sorry and shouldnt have done it...hahah. not long after i confronted him...he broke up with me because "I dont trust him". I think what I am looking for is some reassurance that he really is on drugs and that i didnt overreact. I mean, these really are red flags, right??? Im not crazy am I? He is making me think that I have no reason to not trust him and I am starting to second guess myself. I know that is probably part of his manipulation game but seriously...what do you think? thanks
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Old 10-13-2010, 06:14 PM
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People with addictions can be the world's best liars/manipulators. They will have you thinking that you are crazy and you should be apologizing to them.
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Old 10-13-2010, 06:25 PM
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I'm no angel!
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Trust your gut, you are on the right track. An addict only lies when their lips are moving!

What do I think? Move on, he is playing you.
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Old 10-13-2010, 06:26 PM
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My gut has been telling me that for months....Thanks
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Old 10-13-2010, 07:47 PM
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You got it right in my book. I went through four years of trying to convince myself that my daughter hadn't relapsed after she had her daughter.

When they start wrecking cars and never have any money (they do they just save theirs for drugs) believe me...they have relapsed. He didn't break up with you because you don't trust him. He broke up with you because you were onto him.

You've been down this road before and you know it's not a fun one. You are obviously a strong person or you would not have gotten out of it before. Please show yourself the same repect you did before and RUN!!

Being alone is no fun for the time being, but at least there's not the chaos of addiction!

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Old 10-13-2010, 09:38 PM
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hey, nikki, welcome to sober recovery!! this is a terrific forum, chock full of a lot of caring and smart folks.

please feel free to come here any time, and post as often as you like.
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Old 10-15-2010, 08:43 PM
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I feel that those are red flags and you are concerned with good reason. I know where you are coming from, it is difficult to trust a boyfriend who has a history of drug abuse. You have to let him know that your concerns are based on the fact that you care about him and don't want anything to ever happen to him and that you are willing to help him no matter what. Reassure him that you are there for him, but he has to be honest with you. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him, I know it can be difficult and that it makes you feel vulnerable, but it is for the best.

Best of luck!
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Old 10-15-2010, 08:51 PM
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I read you other post also.

I'd bet my money he's doing drugs.

And he's a mooch.

This has NOTHING to do with trust..that was a blame-shifting lie. All too common.

You deserve much better.

Oh, and it's a very red flag when anyone starts talking marriage and kids right off and does the bum's rush.
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:43 AM
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thank you all so much for your thoughts and support! I agree about the moving to fast part and that has never sat well with me. My instincts told me from the beginning that something wasnt right.

I am a teacher and I dont make that much money, but i have my own home, a nice car and a few extra dollars in the bank. He has absolutely nothing, and I always wondered if he just saw me as an opportunity.

I know he is trying to turn the blame on me and he has actually contacted me this week saying things like he wants to try and make things work bw us but he just doesnt think that i will ever trust him.

I told him that I didnt trust him because HE LIED and that I would never take the blame for this.

I know this is for the best and that he is no good for me, but I think I am just feeling rejected because he dumped me when I should have been dumping him!

Again, thanks to all you wonderful people.
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:40 AM
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Welcome to SR. I hope you'll find lots of support and reassurance here.

Yes.....those were red flags. The old saying that love is blind is true....and sometimes it's color blind because we can't see to be able to tell the color of the flags.

A relationship between a man and a woman should be a partnership and from what you stated, it doesn't appear that that's what was going on.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:53 AM
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Welcome Nicki!

I think instead of thinking about it like you "should" have dumped him first, maybe you could look at it like he did you a big favor.

Changed attitudes aid recovery!

As someone with abandonment issues I spent way too much of my life with someone. You are ahead of me that you see through it so soon into the relationship. Hopefully you'll do better next time.

Thank you for letting me share!!

Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Old 10-16-2010, 12:18 PM
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Cymbal thanks for your kind words. I do tell myself that all day long...I know he did me a favor because I would have continued to make excuses for him. I knew something wasnt right but I wasnt ready to give up on it! And knowing that I would have let it continue is depressing because I KNOW I am too good to settle. My head tells me its for the best but my heart isnt convinced just yet!

But I will get there....I know that time heals everything
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Old 10-16-2010, 12:28 PM
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While it is healing how about totally going all out pampering yourself with TLC?

What could you do that would really be alot of fun?
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:16 AM
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He's definitely using again. All the signs are there. Trust your instincts. You did nothing wrong. You deserve a guy to be able to pay his own way, and take you out once in a while. My ex, near the end, never had any money on him. He never borrowed from me, thank God, but he was always broke. I could never figure out why.
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