Lost, Confused, and Need Help
 

Hi there! I haven't been on this site in a while, I guess I've been trying to move on with my life and process everything that happened with my axbf. Long story short, we met in college, he got kicked out, I stayed with him even though I was going to school 5 hours away and he was living 10 minutes away from my hometown. Basically, he was lonely at home and his friends there had been the ones he used with in high school. I knew he went to rehab for oxycontin before i met him but he assured me he didn't really have a problem and it wasn't that serious. Then 10 days before my finals he calls me to let me know he has been lying to me about using oxys for 3 months and he is going to rehab.

He completes his treatment program, and we attempt to make a relationship work. It failed miserably. We were just in two different places in our lives. He told me that he didn't want a girlfriend who drank, and for the most part I was good about that but not all the time. I had a hard time just acquiescing to all of his requests and felt like he didn't deserve to tell me how to run my life. He would get angry if I would hang around my friends because he didn't think they were good for me. I am in my junior year in college right now and I am very fortunate to have a great group of close girlfriends and a loving family.

Its been 2 months since we broke up and I thought I was doing fine. We haven't spoken which is not my choice, but his. However, he will do subtle things to get a reaction out of me. Like he did today. He still keeps in contact with my family, and even sees them from time to time, but he will not talk to me. I have no problem with the fact that we broke up, I think it is a good thing, however, my head is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me another. I have absolutely no animosity toward him whatsoever. I love him with all my heart and want the best for him whatever it may be. I just don't know how to deal with wondering if he hates me, or resents me, because if he did that would literally tear me apart. I gave my entire life to this guy, I was going to drop out of school and move in with him before I found out he was using and so far in debt he couldn't move out. My head tells me one thing about him, but my heart tells me another and its literally tearing me apart. He brings out emotions in me that literally no one else can bring out and it scares me. I don't know how to get closure for something like this. I don't know if he resents me because I was with him when he was using and in a sense enabling him without my knowledge. I just don't know what to do. I want to feel good, I start to feel good, and then he does something that makes my head spin and my heart sink down to my chest. I need that feeling to go away or I can never get better. I don't know what to do.

I think it is weird that he no longer talks to you but talks to and visits your family?
I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
and, no, he didn't have a right to tell you who your friends should be.

In a healthy relationship both people bring something good to the partnership and the partners accept (and love) each other for the person they are...not for the person they believe they may become.

His expectations of how you "should be" conflict with how you are.

Perhaps your expectations of how you "wish he was" do not reflect the person he is.

My thoughts are that there are too many red flags here for any kind of healthy relationship right now.

Even friendship, when he won't speak to you, seems unlikely.

And, sorry to say this but having a relationship with your family when he won't speak to you...sounds manipulative.

This time of your life is a time of learning and growth, both scholastically and emotionally. Why not just enjoy your life and see what unfolds naturally for you?

Sheesh, I almost deleted this post because it sounds very "instructive", but I hope you just accept it as thoughts from an old lady who has learned a little about life herself.

Hugs regardless of what choices you make.

Hello, Pink, I'm sorry you seem to be stuck. You have broken up and know in your head that it's the right thing, but your heart seems to be having a tough time with it.

When we obsess over a loved one, and can't quite move on, it is telling us something. What do you think that might be?

No, thank you so much. I need people to give me advice and tell me how it is. Ive been so blinded by my love for him that I have absolutely no idea how to handle myself without him. He is completely manipulative. I feel like because of my resentments towards him about lying to me for so long, I wasn't the best girlfriend I could have been. That is my own fault for not dealing with my emotions directly. However, I gave my heart and essentially my life to him for so long and I don't know how to completely let go. For the past 6 months I feel like Ive been in a bad dream, and I am going to wake up and everything is just going to go back to the way it was. I feel like i gave my heart to someone who numbed his feelings with drugs, so he could never give it back, but I just dont know how to get mine back.

I am so sorry that you are hurting.

I have been contacted by the ex's of my son after they broke up before. It is usually fairly awkward and happens a few times and then stops. I suspect that any contact he has with your family with taper off and stop altogether as he moves on with his life.

As far as how he feels about you.....there are some things that we just never get to know and we have no choice but to accept the fact that we never get to know. And maybe that's ok. It's the curiousity that kills us;-)

You are young and are experiencing such a wonderful time in your life. Enjoy.

gentle hugs

Giving your entire life and future to someone is a sure fire way of loosing yourself. Is it possible that this is what's really tearing you apart?

I think I understand what you mean about being angry and not being the best g.friend to him. But when you are being lied to, when you are being disrespected, when you are being mistreated, of course you're going to be angry. And eventually, resentful. That is not a flaw; it is human.

Good for you for being willing to accept responsibility for your part, but I hope you're not giving him a pass for his bad behavior

Hey,

I was wondering if you have tried to contact him, I know you mentioned that he won't talk to you or have contact with you. Try just calling him, leaving him messages, emailing him, or mailing him a letter just to let him know you are concerned and still care about him no matter what. I know it is difficult to be lied to, I've been through it with my boyfriend. Things can get better, you just need to push a little harder and I believe you can get some questioned answered and maybe hopefully the two of you can become at least friends again.

Best of luck!