New Here - and Lost with my former addict

Old 10-14-2010, 09:52 AM
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now you know..and that is a good thing! If al-anon doesn't feel quite right you may want to check out ACOA also
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Old 10-14-2010, 09:58 AM
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Live, thank you.

I live in Canada, I dont know if we have those organizations up here....I will have to look into it.

I just bought the audio book for my iPhone...Im going to listen to it once its downloaded....(dang - to big, have ot download it on the comp and I cant do that at work and he has the computer with him....shoot. Ill find another way, or get it from the local library.)

Melody Beattie's Codependant No More
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Old 10-14-2010, 10:04 AM
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I am certain that you do! and you may want to visit different ones to find where you feel comfortable....you can just visit, don't have to say anything if you don't want and find a place that has support and understanding....this will be something new to do with your evenings also, so that you don't brood and spend it on the phone with him going over the same old ground over and over....it helps, really!
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:54 AM
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Bit of an update

I figured I would just reply on my existing post, so I dont have to explain things over again.

I was sick on Monday So I didnt get to my Co-Dependant support group (this was supposed to be my first one) But my hubby came over and spent the night, (no funny buisness) just watching tv and cuddling. It was nice. He left in the Am and I have not seen him since.
We have talked on the phone and txt a bit.

Tonight we have a date and Im really looking forward to it (were going to a halloween event in our town with a haunted house - i LOVE halloween - our wedding reception was ON halloween last year!)

I told him we have some things to talk about but I would rather talk face to face. So tonight is that time. I dont know how to feel.

I have been to indv councling, and so has he. He has his second apt this coming tues. he also made an apt through his work for the two of us to go to counceling together.

My question is some of the things I want to bring up, I am thinking i should wait to bring up infront of a councler. I know that some of the things i have to say will upset him, and I would almost rather bring them up with a thrid party there (not for protection or anything) but so that they can see is reaction, and maybe he will be a bit more calm about it and admit a few things if someone else is there, rather than just get defensive and angry with me for saying these things.

He is working on his anger, which is a step, it will be a life long battle for him i think.
But he is not addressing some of the core issues yet. Mind you its been 2 weeks.

But I miss him, and want to have him move back in. But I want to know that the core issues are being addressed, and I dont belive they are yet. Should I have him move back in before our joint session or wait....

(I think I just like to ask questions I know the answers too.)
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Old 10-23-2010, 08:40 AM
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What is the rush? Two weeks is nothing, two visits with a therapist and you want him to move back home.

Believe me, you won't die because you miss him.

Sit back, take your time, watch his actions, keep working on you.
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Old 10-23-2010, 04:31 PM
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Please check out the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Abusers and men with anger issues are tough to 'cure'. Please grab all the education you can get your hands on right now while you have the time and space between you. THINK.
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Old 10-25-2010, 07:40 AM
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Thank you for the book sugestion. I will be sure to check it out.

He is asking to come back, and seemed upset when I said we could talk about it after our coucleing session on Thursday the 28th.

I just dont know if I should have no contact with him or try to work through these issues while living together.

Now he is talking about wanting to smoke pot, thinking it will calm him down. he is asking quesitons to friends etc about its effects. I got upset about it, not mad, just got quiet and said I dont like it, thats how the steroid thing started, someone talks about it so he wants to try it too.

Why is it that his friends can mention a bad idea once and he is all on board, but when I mention a good idea Many times, he never bites???
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:36 AM
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You say you have to at least give it one chance to be better and perhaps you do. I am 56 and have been married 4 times. My first marriage was at 19 to an extremely abusive man. I stayed with him for 7 1/2 years and ended up being a typical sick abused woman. I left him only after he kicked my daughters high chair and almost sent her flying. I could take the abuse but I couldn't let him abuse her so I left.

I married the 2nd time at 28 yrs old to a man who was sober and in AA and worked his program. It was through him and by the Grace of God that I ended up around AA and in Alanon for the duration of our marriage of 11 years. It helped to make me strong again. I left him because he stopped working his program after 13 years and although he stayed sober, he became an angry and aggressive person - two personality traits that I was not going to live with for both my sake and my daughter's sake who at the time was 16 and bipolar.

I married the 3rd time at 41 to a man who was an alcoholic and believe it or not, I did not know he was an alcoholic because he did not start to drink until after we were married. I dated and lived with him for 2 years before we were married and had no idea he was a drunk. After 1 year of marriage he was diagnosed with head and neck cancer (oncologist said he type of cancer is only cause by excessive drinking and smoking together). He died at age 44.

I married the 4th time at age 47 in 2003 to my current husband who DOES NOT drink at all - ever and never did! He is definately my soul mate if that in fact exists. He is kind, caring, respectful, loving, patient, helpful, etc., etc., etc....all the things we all look for in a mate. I'm not saying he is perfect but I honestly have not found anything about this man that is hard to live with. I thank God I have him in my life at this time because I am dealing with an AD and he is so supportive and loves her as well like she was his own even though she was an adult when he met her. He's never had children of his own (sometimes I think...lucky him, lol).

LittleJewel, don't settle for less in your life. Life is hard enough to go through and I believe there is someone RIGHT out there for all of us...we just have to keep looking and you're NEVER too old to find that RIGHT person

Good luck to you - you have to do what you feel is best for you.
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Old 10-25-2010, 10:33 AM
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SoTiredOfIt,
Thanks for the story, I have heard many like it, that ppl stay and then finaly come to thier senses and find somone who is SO much more suitable.

I think im just a glutton for punishment. I do love him, and we have had so many nice times together, but I just dont know....I feel the need to try. I just cant give up on him or us yet....

I will give it an honest shot.

I am off to the book store at lunch to buy and read "Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft" at work today....
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:41 PM
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Again I ask "What's the rush"? You can work on your relationship without living together, that does not mean that you are giving up on "us".
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Old 10-26-2010, 08:31 AM
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Whats the Rush?

I guess I feel part of the "rush" is I have other things I would like to be doing with my life too...
Im trying to loose weight, training my young horse etc. And running the house by myself is allot of work and I just dont have time for it all.

Last night I had to rush home to let the dogs out and feed them very quickly so I could put them away again (kenneled when noone is home) so that I could drive accross town for my Co Dependant support group meeting. So by the time I got home, they were crazy full of energy, and with the snow on the ground already, it was super dark out and I just didnt have it in me to take them for a walk.

I would like to have the time to get some councling for myself and keep going to these CODA meetings and have us go to a councler together (this thurs is our first session together), but I just cant with everything else on my "To Do" list.

I just feel like I kind of want his help arround the house....so thats kind of my reason for wanting him back sooner than later. He is complaining about where he is living, and having nothing to do, and I just listen, im not whining to him i have to much to do, but I think, "For Gods sakes come home I could keep you SO busy man!!"

And also, ppl are asking me where he is, and I am not telling them that he has moved out (a few friends know, but I dont want the world to know, ya know?)

And of course I miss him and all that...
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Old 10-29-2010, 07:22 AM
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After our meeting

So we had our councler meeting yesterday evening. It went well. They guy was good and he had some good stuff to say.

I always feel kind of bad for my husband when he comes away with a mit full of reading material and I dont.

He is willing to work and wants to really try. He is going to look into taking some anger management classes or a weekend seminar or something. We both have some reading to do.

I found the book that was reccomened by a SR memeber "Why does he do that", was very usefull for me. I can see that I am doing some of the abusing as well, not just him.

I am now going to read "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus" at the counclers reccomendation. So Ill prob go pick that one up at the library this weekend and plow through it.

He still has not moved back in, but he is going to come help me decorate and hand out candy on Halloween. (I love halloween, our wedding reception was on halloween night last year)
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