Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
Reload this Page >

Son has an addiction problem; I need help with how to deal with my husbands drinking



Son has an addiction problem; I need help with how to deal with my husbands drinking

Old 10-12-2010, 09:05 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
Son has an addiction problem; I need help with how to deal with my husbands drinking

Hi, I am new here. I have a 23 year old son who has an addiction to opiates and alcohol. He is in a recovery house, which has been very good for my own recovery. It’s been a very difficult 3 plus years with him at home. We now have him somewhere that we feel he is safe and see him working the steps and doing very well.

Now that he is working on his recovery I want to work on mine too.
One big problem I now have is that it upsets me terribly when-ever my husband drinks. He usually only drinks wine on the weekends. I don’t drink anything and haven’t for over 30 years, because I never liked how it made me feel. I didn’t have a big problem with my husband drinking before, I never liked it when he drank so much he would vomit, but that happens very rarely, every few years. We’ve been together almost 35 years.

But last Friday night he first drank the rest of one bottle of wine (about 1/3) and I was fine with that, a little wine with dinner is normal. Then he drank about ¼ of another bottle and I hadn’t even noticed but then when he opened up the 3rd bottle it just hit me really hard. We were going to be leaving at 7:30am the next morning to go visit my son at his recovery house and I just didn’t think my husband should be drinking that much the night before. I said something and he just ignored me. I went to bed angry about this but just tried to let it go.

I didn’t say anything the next day. We got home from my son’s late and he had 2 beers and that was it.

But then on Sunday morning I ended up telling him that I was upset about his drinking. I told him that it was my problem, not his, but wanted him to know how much it upset me. I don’t want to have anything to do with him when he drinks. I started to cry and couldn’t stop. He didn’t drink wine with dinner that night, but ever since he has been really cold to me.

I’ve been upset about a lot of things lately. I’m sad that my son missed out on so much by his addiction, but am happy he’s getting help now but sad this will be a problem for him for his entire life. I’m sad I couldn’t have done more to help him avoid this.

My sister has terminal cancer and won’t live much longer, and I’m very sad about that. My mom is not well and is having a real hard time dealing with my sister’s illness, which puts most of the issues of what needs to be done for her on me.

My 21 year old daughter is in college and has a lot of health issues.
I think I’m just depressed in general and haven’t felt this way in a very long time. Now my husband is being cold to me because I don’t like it when he drinks. I’ve been very nice to him and am trying hard not to express my sadness to him the last couple of days. But he’s the one that I count on for my emotional strength, so when I have a problem with him, I feel so alone and sad.

I realize I need the help of al-anon and want to start working the steps. But with so much on my plate right now I haven’t been able to make it to meetings other that the ones at my sons recovery house. At least I’m going to those but my husband is also there so I can’t bring up my issues with his drinking at those meetings.

I read in one of my al-anon books the other day about how it’s unknown why one person becomes addicted and another person does not. That’s something I need to learn more about.

I didn’t know where I should post this, please let me know if you think it should post it to a different forum.
anewdaytosmile is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 09:16 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
You are in the right place. I think what you are going thru is "normal" for the abnormal circumstances. You have quite a bit going on besides your son..this can totally cause situational depression and I suggest looking into seeing a therapist/Dr. for help for you.
As we learn about addiction iit is only normal that we start seeing our behavior or others thru a different perspective. Your husbands drinking is bothering you now. It could be you have become very sensitive to the issue due to your sons addiction or it could be you are seeing an unhealthy pattern you did not notice before.
In any case, this didn't occur overnight and it won't be "fixed" overnight. It sounds to me that with so much going on that maybe seeing a counselor together could be helpful. Addiction puts an INCREDIBLE toll on the family (my AD is 18 and in sober living right now).Take some time to focus on your husband..the two of you have been no doubt focusing on your son and daughter for quite some time now and it appears that now attention needs to be paid to your marriage.I also suggest alanon if you don't already go.More people will be along shortly..welcome!
keepinon is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 11:35 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I agree with everything keepinon said and adding one more -- (peri)menopause might be adding to your depression. I wonder sometimes if us women forget to take that into consideration, and are too hard on ourselves. I'm 46 and experienced a couple of mood swings about a month ago. It reminded me of being a teenager and I went from calm one second to depressed/angry in another.

Anyway, I see a therapist on a regular basis and it really helps. He specializes in addiction and is also a licensed marriage and family therapist. Got all my bases covered
Chino is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 12:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
anewdaytosmile
Welcome to SR.......although I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. Good to hear that your son is in treatment and hope and pray that he continues on his path to recovery. Also good to hear that you are attending the treatment center sessions. It was during my son's inpatient treatment that I was finally made aware that I had a serious problem as well. It was the beginning of my recovery process.

Process....recovery is a process......not an absolute.

I also do not drink but my husband does occasionally as do many of my friends. It doesn't bother me that they drink......it's their choice.....it doesn't affect me and they are productive members of society. But I probably do have a higher "intolerance" to being around someone who drinks too much. And it's probably related to my son's addiction/alcoholism issues.

I hope you'll find lots of support here. I have.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 01:14 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I think sometimes, when we are hit by addiction, be it our own or others, it makes us super aware and highly sensitive of others bad habits. That maybe drinking too much, pills or drugs.

I think also, once you have been dragged into addiction and the chaos it causes, you are always fearing it may happen again be it with the original addict or another falling prey to the disease.

That said, if it makes you unhappy, it makes you unhappy.

You seem to be under a tremendous amount of pressure at the moment. You also seem to be looking after and worrying about so many other family members - your sister, your son and your mum. Not that you can change any of what is going on.

Perhaps its time to look after yourself a bit more maybe? Get some early nights, soak in the tub, do your nails, read a book, telephone friends etc etc. Anything for you.

I think also you could bring up your husbands drinking at the alanon meetings but in a non judgmental or angry way. Perhaps saying what has happened with your son has shaken you to the core and that you despise what alcohol and drugs can do to a person and that you don't want them causing misery to anymore of your family or those you love. Perhaps that might strike a chord with him.

Take lots of care
xx
Sasha4 is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 02:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
Thank you all for the kind welcome and your words of encouragement. I think you made me realize that I do need to go see a therapist again. I used to go regularly but didn't feel it got me anywhere. I'd like to find someone that also specializes in addiction. And yes I am in menopause and have night sweats, hot flashes, all kinds of trouble from it. It's been 3 years now and you'd think that would be done by now, but noooo. So I'm sure that has something to do with my moods too.

So thanks again. This is a great forum. I look forward to reading more posts.

I also hope to find a good al-anon meeting where I can work steps with a sponsor.
anewdaytosmile is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 03:39 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
All of that sounds great!
keepinon is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 04:37 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I got super sensitive to some people's drinking.
I get scared/feel threatened when my mate drinks even tho' he never overdoes it.
We have been together a year and a half.
When I felt how uncomfortable I got when he brought a six pack of beer in, I told him that it really disturbs me and I never wanted to see that again really.
The beer isn't that important to him.
Occassionally he would buy one (a single beer).
Now I know that it's never any big thing and I feel better.
And him having a couple of beers doesn't unsettle me.

It upsets me to see my grown daughter drinking...but I have no say over that.
She lives a great distance so I am not exposed to it often and I am not saying that she has a drink problem.
What it seems like is that the people who are most precious to me...it only bothers me when they drink.

Other people ..it doesn't rattle me.

I know this comes from fear from an XalcoholicBF.....

the acoholism scares the living daylights out of me.

and I can never again see drinking as harmless
Live is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 06:22 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You've been so focused on the problems with your family members and now that your son ( who probably got the lion's share of your focus ) is in treatment, some focus has come back on yourself and it is rightfully overwhelming.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing to stop taking anyone's inventory but your own at this time. Focusing on your recovery through alanon and therapy
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 10-12-2010, 07:26 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hello, anewday, and welcome to sober recovery! i think you may have already seen that we are a group of caring folks, who have a lot of experience and are more than willing to share.

you have a huge burden, and likely have been towing the line and being strong for quite a long time. there is a let down that can happen, like a crack in the armor, yes?

however, when you described your husband's mini-wine-binge, that set off an alarm inside of me. i wonder if he has a bit of problem in himself, but generally controls or hides it quite well? i'm not trying to stir things up, but i think when we have a strong reaction and fight against it, we are in a way keeping a secret ourselves. our guts often tell us what we need to face.

truly not wishing to cause harm, but to acknowledge what was clearly painful for you.

may i suggest attending al-anon?
coffeedrinker is offline  
Old 10-13-2010, 07:21 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
I appreciate everyones comments, this really is a caring group, there are others in my husbands family with alcoholism that don't accept that they have a problem. I've been wanting to get more involved with al-anon for a long time because of them and now with my son and my conerns about my husband, I do think that I need it and like what it has to offer. I also like this forum. It feels good to express myself here and I already feel like I've learned things about myself. I know I have a long way to go, but want to do it.
anewdaytosmile is offline  
Old 10-13-2010, 09:51 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
we all have a way of dealing with our addict getting to rehab but after they do then what? i think we start going threw our own grieving process (i read a forum about this here just don't remember the title) and we sometimes don't even know it. This step for our addict to take going into the rehab is so important we forget what happens after words. so he is safe now and what about us. as much as you are going threw that on top so much more so is your husband. Your children are his children as well. I don't know about him but i will tell you y story. After my axbf was gonne i started drinking myself. i wanted to drown the pain so bad i didn't care what it took. after the first time of being drunk and 1 1/2 bottles of wine later i kept thinking to myself i am still hurting just now i can't feel my face...and i am puking. it didn't take too long to realize i will not deal with my issues threw alcohol. now 4 weeks later i still enjoy a glass or two with dinner or with friends and i am finding different ways to deal with my own recovery. it takes time and tons of patience with yourself and people around you.
lovechild is offline  
Old 10-14-2010, 07:05 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
anewday,

I would strongly urge you to find the time for AlAnon meetings. The face 2 face support is extremely helpful. It is when we can't fit in a meeting, or don't want to go to a meeting that we need it the most!
JMFburns is offline  
Old 10-14-2010, 07:13 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
I went to an al-anon meeting yesterday. And it was a good one. They focused on the "Just For Today" bookmark. It did make me feel better. Thanks for all the encouragement.
anewdaytosmile is offline  
Old 10-15-2010, 06:11 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
Today I have a cold and am planning a party for tomorrow for my 85 year old mother and my sister with cancer will also be there. I'm trying hard to remember not to worry about what will happen tomorrow. But to take action to make sure I get done what needs to get done today, without complaining, and be prepared to keep my distance from those that I don't want to give this cold to for tomorrow.

That meeting I went to that focused on just for today was very helpful for me this week.

I'm also trying to keep focused on today so that I don't worry about who will drink too much tomorrow. But I know alcohol will be there and need to prepare myself to deal with that.
anewdaytosmile is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:57 AM.