I feel like I overreacted! Advice please?
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Land of "The Wire"
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I feel like I overreacted! Advice please?
When I recently found out that my fiance has been using drugs, of course I was devastated but we still had the obvious question and answer session. He told me his use (opiates) was limited to twice a month up to once a week. Of course I didn't believe him so I asked him to submit to a hair drug test (to give a 90 day history) that I sent away and just got the results back today. I was expecting him to have under-estimated the frequency but the results came back all negative. After a lot of back and forth with the company, apparently his use was too low or infrequent to register with the lab analysis.
Now I'm wondering if I overreacted asking him to move out and even asking for his keys so he couldn't get in when I'm not here. I feel like I've been unnecessarily mean to him! Am I crazy?
He's been telling me from the beginning that he suspected I thought he was a lot worse off than he actually is, but how was I supposed to know? He does say that he knows he's deserving everything that's happening to him now (with our relationship, his job on the line, living back with parents, etc) and I want to follow through on the things I've told him.
The main thing is I'm feeling SO much more hopeful about him and about us, and I feel like getting back together and trying to make things work out again. Am I being naive? Did I overreact? What if I let him come home?
Now I'm wondering if I overreacted asking him to move out and even asking for his keys so he couldn't get in when I'm not here. I feel like I've been unnecessarily mean to him! Am I crazy?
He's been telling me from the beginning that he suspected I thought he was a lot worse off than he actually is, but how was I supposed to know? He does say that he knows he's deserving everything that's happening to him now (with our relationship, his job on the line, living back with parents, etc) and I want to follow through on the things I've told him.
The main thing is I'm feeling SO much more hopeful about him and about us, and I feel like getting back together and trying to make things work out again. Am I being naive? Did I overreact? What if I let him come home?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My feedback:
Did you actually see him clip the hair for the sample? But that is neither here nor there. He isn't getting help. It is called addiction for a reason, it isn't something they can use casually or he wouldn't be an addict. I'd question what he is telling you. You want so much to believe in him but remember that lying to loved ones (or withholding information) is one of the biggest parts of an addicts life. There is no such thing as 'casual heroin use'. It only takes one time to kill him.
So the time it took you to do the back and forth with the lab for analysis and dealing with him is time the addiction has ate up. It is already seeping into your life and it is bigger than you. You cannot step in and manage anyone's addiction.
Having hope is great but that hope has to based upon the cold facts of the situation and reality. You may never know all the facts, with addicts you almost don't want to know all the facts because it is painful to hear. Sounds like he is protecting you from this, wanting to reassure you that he has control of things. But If he had control, you wouldn't be posting on this forum.
Did you actually see him clip the hair for the sample? But that is neither here nor there. He isn't getting help. It is called addiction for a reason, it isn't something they can use casually or he wouldn't be an addict. I'd question what he is telling you. You want so much to believe in him but remember that lying to loved ones (or withholding information) is one of the biggest parts of an addicts life. There is no such thing as 'casual heroin use'. It only takes one time to kill him.
So the time it took you to do the back and forth with the lab for analysis and dealing with him is time the addiction has ate up. It is already seeping into your life and it is bigger than you. You cannot step in and manage anyone's addiction.
Having hope is great but that hope has to based upon the cold facts of the situation and reality. You may never know all the facts, with addicts you almost don't want to know all the facts because it is painful to hear. Sounds like he is protecting you from this, wanting to reassure you that he has control of things. But If he had control, you wouldn't be posting on this forum.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Is casual heroin use ok with you?
What are your boundaries? What are the behaviors YOU are willing to accept from the people you surround yourself with?
Time for you to decide what you want out of a relationship for the rest of your LIFE. If "casual" heroin use is acceptable, than ok. But if not, then what are you going to do to change YOUR life?
Then do it! Not trying to be harsh, but in my life I have learned that if I don't stand firm for what I believe in then I don't stand for anything.
What are your boundaries? What are the behaviors YOU are willing to accept from the people you surround yourself with?
Time for you to decide what you want out of a relationship for the rest of your LIFE. If "casual" heroin use is acceptable, than ok. But if not, then what are you going to do to change YOUR life?
I want to follow through on the things I've told him.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
OK, using drugs "a little" is the same as puking "a little".
"A little" is the same as "a lot" and is NASTY.
Using is a yes or no question. There are no shades of grey. And since addiction is a progressive disease, a little gets to be a lot pretty damn quick.
Did he use? Yes. End of discussion.
"A little" is the same as "a lot" and is NASTY.
Using is a yes or no question. There are no shades of grey. And since addiction is a progressive disease, a little gets to be a lot pretty damn quick.
Did he use? Yes. End of discussion.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I asked my 22 year old daughter the other day if she had ever had a boyfriend who didn't drink and/or smoke dope. She said no.
Personally, I am no longer attracted to anyone who feels a need to chemically alter their state of mind, regardless of substance or frequency.
Personally, I am no longer attracted to anyone who feels a need to chemically alter their state of mind, regardless of substance or frequency.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by somethingsimple 
When I recently found out that my fiance has been using drugs, of course I was devastated but we still had the obvious question and answer session. He told me his use (opiates) was limited to twice a month up to once a week. Of course I didn't believe him so I asked him to submit to a hair drug test (to give a 90 day history) that I sent away and just got the results back today. I was expecting him to have under-estimated the frequency but the results came back all negative. After a lot of back and forth with the company, apparently his use was too low or infrequent to register with the lab analysis.
Now I'm wondering if I overreacted asking him to move out and even asking for his keys so he couldn't get in when I'm not here. I feel like I've been unnecessarily mean to him! Am I crazy?
He's been telling me from the beginning that he suspected I thought he was a lot worse off than he actually is, but how was I supposed to know? He does say that he knows he's deserving everything that's happening to him now (with our relationship, his job on the line, living back with parents, etc) and I want to follow through on the things I've told him.
The main thing is I'm feeling SO much more hopeful about him and about us, and I feel like getting back together and trying to make things work out again. Am I being naive? Did I overreact? What if I let him come home?
Now I'm wondering if I overreacted asking him to move out and even asking for his keys so he couldn't get in when I'm not here. I feel like I've been unnecessarily mean to him! Am I crazy?
He's been telling me from the beginning that he suspected I thought he was a lot worse off than he actually is, but how was I supposed to know? He does say that he knows he's deserving everything that's happening to him now (with our relationship, his job on the line, living back with parents, etc) and I want to follow through on the things I've told him.
The main thing is I'm feeling SO much more hopeful about him and about us, and I feel like getting back together and trying to make things work out again. Am I being naive? Did I overreact? What if I let him come home?
As well, it ain't always amount - I knew a couple who used heroin every week for years, never showed any psychological issues, got married and quit to settle down and are still married, clean and doing well. Then, I know plenty of others who used opiates less and psychology ended up, if they weren't before, a lot worse off - losing jobs, losing homes, breaking up etc.
Way I see it, ain't the amount or even the drug, its the person...
Why's he using? Are you comfortable with him using (however much or little)? If he can articulate / identify why he's using and you know for certain where you stand on whether you too can be together and plan a future if he is using etc and you can both be open, honest and trust each other...well, no problem right? Are you both on the same page?
Only my opinion, but if two people in a relationship cant be open and honest and thus establish a solid foundation then whatever y'build will always be unstable.
Kudos to hello-Kitty - I agree wholly and only really seconding what they've said.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Land of "The Wire"
Posts: 15
You're all right. I was just missing him and had a weak moment. Thank you all for helping me see that. I found a nar-anon meeting near me tonight (several actually! It's sad how many there have to be...) I'm just a little nervous about going. Especially alone. Can I go if it isn't an "open meeting"? Do I just walk in and sit down? Do you have to talk when you're new or can you just listen?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i've never been turned away from meetings that were non-open. and yes, just walk in and sit down. it is very informal that way. you do not have to talk. i was going to one for a while and there were some who never spoke, just listened.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by keepinon
Honestly..people do not just recreationally use opiates..at least not for long..they are unbelievably addictive
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by somethingsimple
You're all right. I was just missing him and had a weak moment. Thank you all for helping me see that. I found a nar-anon meeting near me tonight (several actually! It's sad how many there have to be...) I'm just a little nervous about going. Especially alone. Can I go if it isn't an "open meeting"? Do I just walk in and sit down? Do you have to talk when you're new or can you just listen?
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