sofacat

Okay everyone.

I have a question to all of my Codependent comrades out there.

Where is the line drawn between helping someone by giving them advice, and being a Miss "fix it"?

Obviously, people are drawn to us because of the advice they have been given by us over the years. It's what we have been doing all our lives. They're used to us being that way.

But sometimes now, I find myself choking back advice when I know someone is looking to me for it. I hold back. I'm still unsure of myself when posed with this.

Anyone have any some input? I need some advice <--- funny.

outtolunch

Mind reading is another codie skill.

wicked

i knew you were gonna say that!

wicked

hmmm, sofacat,

i must think on this. really think.
yeah, giving up on giving my great advice to everyone.
sigh.....
yep.

BBD

At this point I just give advise when I am asked..its hard to hold back at times but it sure is easier than worrying about everyone all the time. Smiles, Bonnie

cece1960

I've found what works best for me is to stick to and share my experience(s), or ask them what they think they should do.
I learned that here

Kindeyes

I'm also trying hard not to give any advice. Man....there are SO many things we codies need to work on......how on earth do we have time to take care of everyone else's issues?

The last time my AS asked for some advice regarding a court hearing he had I just told him "I don't know what to tell you.....I'm not an attorney and I'm not qualified to give legal advice."

A friend of mine told me that sometimes when someone "sounds" like they're asking advice, all they really want is for someone to listen. Taking her input to heart.....I'm trying to listen more, speak less.

I also realized that I learned my "advice giving skills" from my mother. I love her so very much but I have to admit that sometimes it really rubs me the wrong way when she gives me advice when I don't actually ASK for it. Sometimes I just want someone to listen and give me a gentle hug.

gentle hugs

meditation

I have found that people really don't appreciate advice anyway, they do what they want. Usually they are seeking verification for how they are feeling. I don't offer it as much anymore because I'm really just wasting my breath. If they ask me I'll give it but I don't offer it up for free as much as I used to. It's still a hard habit to break.

lightseeker

hey Sofa - I loved Outtolunch's comment. It's so true! I've learned that unsolicited advice is a no-no for me. Even when someone asks my opinion they generally want only their own. If my opinion is asked for it's something I try to only give once.

I'm still working on all of this - but giving my unasked for opinion is unappreciated by all.

ItsmeAlice

Sofa, I am a serious advice spewer from way back. I was raised on it and felt it my calling to tell others what I believed they should do because I knew they were really asking me even if they weren't actually asking out loud. Yeah, that's right. It's horrifying, but I'm owning it.

I have also taken to heart that advice must be asked for out loud and directly before I will consider obliging. Even then, I find myself asking back if they want advice or just my "take" on the situation because like it's been said so far, sometimes people just want validation of what they are going through, someone to say they aren't imagining things or overreacting. Sometimes, though advice is actually requested of me.

I try to speak from experience if I can and I try to tell folks what I would do in their circumstances or what my opinion might be if I were faced with the same avoiding those dreaded "what you should do" words.

It's just so ingrained in me that I don't think it will ever just come naturally, but it has gotten easier.

Alice

EJG123

I swear my AD has some kind of oppositional thing going on so it is best if I don't give her advice because she is sure to do the oppositie!

Ann

For me the line is whether or not they "asked" for advice.

Sometimes people just want to share their troubles, and I need to respect with compassion their need to share without trying to "fix" it for them.

Or, if asked, I will try to share my own experience and then let go of trying to control the outcome for them.

It's a fine line sometimes and one I need to be watchful of

Hugs

wicked

yeah, that's it.
i have to remember when one of my kids says,
"mom, i want to talk to you."
it is not open season for me and my pedantic meanderings.
sometimes, saying they want to talk means they just want me to listen.
had to be told that once by my daughter.
she called me on my "advice" when i was using it to obfuscate the subject which was making me uncomfortable.
so, now, i listen. i listen very well. and i have gotten compliments from the kids.
"mom, you really hear me."
yep.

coffeedrinker

sofa,

i too, think the qualifier is whether or not it is being sought. my good friend, when i confide in her, asks, "would you like feedback?" it is beautiful the way she listens, asks that, and then says what she thinks.

Kindeyes

Yes yes yes. I give advice when the topic is making me uncomfortable....it is a way to make "it" better for ME.

This was one of those "aha" moments.

Teggie

Have learned alot about that in my Alanon meetings, we are told not to give advice but to share our experience, strength and hope. Hopefully the person seeking answers can gain some insight. It is hard for us codies to bite our tounges from telling someone how we feel they should proceed. Especially when we have lived it ourselves & hate for anyone to go down that path.

It's a work in progress.

Hugs to you!
Teggie