somethingsimple

Hi, I'm new here and I don't really know how to start. I've been reading through the posts for a couple days and I'm desperate to talk to other people who can relate and have been through the situation I'm just now finding myself in. I wrote a good intro post but it got deleted and I was gonna try to re-write it but then I realized my reason for being here boils down to:

-My fiance abuses drugs and I just found out a couple days ago

-I'm madly in love with the man who lied, deceived and manipulated me for more than 3 years but still treated me so well and took care of me

-I can't trust anything he tells me and I don't have anyone to talk to who has been through something like this or knows anything about it

-Everyone's saying I'm doing everything right and handling it so well but they don't know how much I'm really still planning our perfect life together once he "gets better" and I take him back (even though I know how delusional that is)

On the surface I'm very logical/realistic but I can't help feeling like he (and our relationship!) will be the exception to all the sad stories out there. I know every situation is different, but is this how everyone feels in the beginning?

keepinon

Yes it is how everyone feels in the beginning. ThAT the rules of addiction don't apply to you, your fiance is different, you are different..its called terminal uniqueness and the sooner you move beyond that the better. Not all situations are the same..but addiction is all the same. You sound like you are in shock right now..I would suggest an alanon/naranon meeting as soon as you can and read up on addiction and codependency. Is your fiance in treatment? you are waiting for him to get better..what's going on there?

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Yeah, I think so.

As a recovering alcoholic, I knew all of the material-I could admit it-but I was never able to accept it, so I continued to try to fix her.

I think we all know how that story ends.

coffeedrinker

somethingsimple,

WELCOME to sober recovery!

I hope you feel free to come here and post as often as you like. We are a group so very familiar with stories just like yours - many of us have lived it.

I too am ssoooo rational, logical, calm, professional, etc on the outside. My insides were nothing but turmoil and pain for the three months that the man I loved was using and lying to me about it.

Even when I KNEW I had to let him go, I still fantasized about the little house and doggie we were gonna get, and live happily ever after, once he got his cra p figured out.

We're here to help.

tjp613

....this is not to say that there are NEVER stories of hope and recovery. There are! Just keep reading and posting. Things will become more clear to you as time goes by. We are here for YOU. (((Hugs)))

Can you share with us more specifically what he has been using, how much and for how long?

Is he willing to go to rehab and/or get into a recovery program?

somethingsimple

keepinon-
I want to wait for him to get better but I don't know how he's planning on doing it because I asked him to move out. I told him to call me when he was ready to involve me in his recovery but of course I can't stop talking to him. I've talked to him after I did some research on the drugs he was using and he said that I'm thinking it's worse than it is, which it could be or could not be because I don't really know anything about addiction. I'm gonna look up naranon meetings around me. It's just kinda scary to go to that alone.

sailorjohn-
What you said is exactly how I feel right now. I've talked to a lot friends and family about it, so I know it's a problem, but I don't want to be without him, so maybe I'm just not accepting it? My first reaction was that I didn't want to interrupt the path I thought we were on, so maybe he could just stop taking drugs and we could keep it a secret that he ever used them.

somethingsimple

He uses opiates and heroin (or maybe they're the same?) and he said it's been on and off for years. Also, he overdosed last year living at his parents house and almost died and begged them not to tell me and they didn't. But he said he stopped using for awhile after that and started again recently.

Sooo I know how bad it sounds and it looks even worse when I write it down but we were so happy! And he's always been so good to me.

boskerbear

[QUOTE=somethingsimple;2731478]

-Everyone's saying I'm doing everything right and handling it so well but they don't know how much I'm really still planning our perfect life together once he "gets better" and I take him back (even though I know how delusional that is)
QUOTE]

You and me both girl! I just left my guy a few days ago and still find myself sending him texts saying "if only you'll go to rehab we can be together again and everything will be perfect" I know how delusional i'm being but I love this man and want to be with him forever.

So i definitely know what you're going thru. I really do believe people can change, but only if they want to. Hopefully everything goes well for us Only time will tell.

keepinon

You will find lots of people in your shoes at any alanon or naranon meeting and they will welcome you with open arms. This is all really new to you..give yourself a break. Educate yourself on the subject , go to a meeting, read posts heer and ask questions.Hang in there..

briana09

I was reading your post and thinking to myself, "Wow, that is how I felt the last 5 yrs of my life..." You will get to a point where you get so exhausted in YOUR sickness ( in Al Anon you learn that HIS sickness starts becoming your sickness too) that you don't care what you have to do to feel better, you just do it.

I was told for years to go to Al Anon and I went once and it was a whole bunch of older ladies and I had a 1 yr old at the time and I just didn't feel right there; it wasnt a comfy group....4 yrs later, I returned to a diff group and I just felt so right. It has changed my whole way of thinking---Al anon has changed my life for the better (and honestly, I think the way I learned to react to my AH from Al Anon is what made him really think about going to rehab.) Ive only been going to Al Anon for 4 weeks and I feel that strongly about the program! NarAnon, Ifound to be hard to find convenient meetings and i live in Phx. In my Al Anon meeting, there are plenty of people in there for substance abuse problems...

I agree with another reply that you do def sound like you are in shock. It is tough to say the facts and truth "out loud"....I totally understand that. This website has really helped me too! Hang in there girl!

rose

Hi Somethingsimple,
Welcome to SR, glad you found us and sorry you had to...if that makes any sense. This is a wonderful place to come and pour your heart out, as we all understand and know what you are feeling. Each and everyone of us has gone through or are going through the pain of a Loved One with an addiction problem. Always feel free to post what ever is on your mind because there is always someone here who has been through the same and can suggest or tell you what helped them to get through and sometimes it just helps getting it out.

My husband (ex) is an addict. Mainly Crack Cocaine, but herion, meth ect. were all mixed in. If you see DOC, that means thier drug of choice, so my husband's DOC was crack cocaine.

Many and probably most people who have never been through the trauma of having a loved one addicted don't really have a full understanding of just how you are really feeling inside, to them kick him out, get rid of him until he or she gets it together and get on with your life. It makes sense to them, but it's not the way it goes and more than likely you are feeling that this is the way you should be feeling to, so you are struggling inside and hiding the way you feel. What you are feeling and thinking right now is normal. I think it would be abnormal if you didn't have these thoughts and feelings, he is your love and you had a future planned together. You are probably in terrible disbelief right now, shock and wish it was a nightmare that you could wake up from.

Just by coming here you have reach out for help and understanding which is one of the best things you could have done for yourself!

Always remember you can post and ask anything here, there is nothing we haven't heard or gone through ourselves!

Rose

sunnigirl

(((Something simple)))
I am married to a man who was clean for five years and then started using again. His drugs of choice are marijuana and heroin. For the most part, he is a good husband, so I know what you mean by "he treats me well" but perhaps ask yourself these questions... are you ready for the lies, the absences, the money and time he spends on"it"? Are you ready to be stunned by the times you realise he is under the influence even when he is "operational?" ARe you ready for the reduction in intimacy - heroin's second gift - and the feelings of aloneness?
I had no idea - I thought I was safe because he had five years clean before I married him. educate yourself, put aside your rose coloured glasses, keep posting and reading are things I should have done (and things I am doing now) take care

somethingsimple

Thank you everyone for your advice and welcoming messages. I've been doing a lot of reading and research on the forum and other places. It feels like my life is suddenly taken up by things I had no control over, and it's an [I]awful[I] feeling, but this forum is helping a lot. It's comforting (and also sad) to know that good people have been here and come through on the other side.

ZombieWife

Ya know there are stories of "hope" and "recovery." I'm still with my recovering addict husband and we're working through it.

But . . .

I would be lying if I didn't say that I pondered what life would be like w/o all this baggage. We are not the same people we once were and we will never be the same couple again. It's impossible. Period. If you are lucky enough to still love the "new person" you are in a recovery-relationship with, then that's good, but I think many times the marked differences that occur over these long, painful periods of evolution eventually drive even the most dogged of lovers apart.

I do wonder, sometimes, if we're doing the right thing in staying on this path. Most of the time, though, I think we're going to be okay.

Definitely a former "terminal uniqueness" spouse here. Boy, I thought we had it all. I used to crumple into his arms crying about how I never loved someone as much. There's another edge to that sword.

somethingsimple

ZombieWife, I really appreciate your honest input. It's hard to hear now, but it helps so much to hear stories from people who are way past the beginning. It hurts but it's better than sticking with 'terminal uniqueness' until we inevitably let each other down.

I'll be honest, I read the things everyone has said and called him at 6am today going on about manipulation and guilt trips and lost intimacy. I think I kind of shocked him (oh I also told him to google terminal uniqueness). He makes me feel better when we talk, but I wonder if that's just him knowing all the right things to say?

Babyblue

You are probably in shock at finding out something he kept so well hidden from you. Letting go of a fantasy is very difficult. Keeping something a secret from others does nothing and won't allow you to get the support you need. The thing with addicts is, you can bet that it is worse than what they are sharing with you. How 'successful' his recovery and salvaging your relationship will be depends upon so many factors. But unless he seeks treatment, nothing you do or say will make any bit of difference.

Even if he seeks treatment, it is a slow and arduous journey of set backs, hope and disappointment. Again, assuming he wants help. Without it, trust the wisdom of those who have lived through it.

It isn't just the addiction, it is a whole lifestyle they engage in to use, and it isn't a pleasant one.

I honestly don't know what to tell you. If you had told me 6 months ago if my ABF would relapse and then go to an inpatient rehab, I would have told them 'no way! he is doing great!'. He kept so much hidden from me out of fear and shame. But I knew going into this he struggled with addiction and if he and I are going to have any chance, he has to take recovery seriously. That is the bottom line. They have to want help and want to work at it. The relationship piece is way down the list at this point (as it should be) because I'd rather him focus on getting better. I just take it day by day and live my life. He is in my life but his addiction isn't my life. I did the reading, research thing, hoping I'd find a loophole but it affects all of them the same way.

It is a difficult difficult path when they are getting help, a thousand times more difficult when they are not.

outtolunch

"But" is a conjunction that usually contradicts and invalidates what was said or written immediately prior.

Sounds like you are madly in love with your own hopeful fantasy of this guy as opposed to the reality that he lies, deceives, manipulates you and you cannot trust anything he says.

Is it acceptable to you to be lied to, decieved and manipulated because he takes care of you? Is there a reason why you cannot take care of yourself?

A " perfect life" ( with anyone, for that matter) is another hopeful fantasy.

This " once he gets better" is yet another hopeful fantasy. No one just snaps out of addiction.

outtolunch

Most of us are superficially logical on the surface, too. It's ego and emotions that tend to drive us.

Everyone of us felt our situation was unique. Everyone of us used the uniqueness of our situation to sustain our denial of reality. "It's not so bad" or "as bad" as fill in the blank is just one of the many games we play with ourselves. Mind reading and foretelling the future are other games we know so well.

outtolunch

You were happy. He was high. There is a difference.