steve1840

ok. maybe i am not ok. i keep setting myself up for a roller coaster ride. despite going to meetings, i feel totally alone in this. friends and family all make it sound so easy. just walk away. etc.

again there was a detox with a great rehab set up. she seemed to love the idea and enthusiasticly went in. now is gone again.

i am sorry i love her. i am sorry i care about her. i am sorry i cannot get the image of her pain in that she cannot stop herself although she wants to.

i know the difference between the forced tears and real tears. i have seen how much she hurts. some addicts do have real pain.

i am sorry i cannot look at my needs more. i am sorry i have been pulled through the shredder and casted doubt upon the reality of my situation.

i dont have anyone or anywhere to let out my pain.

i have been holding this in for months trying to be strong for the both of us. i waited to post because things were seeming so good and positive and i was so hopeful to have a great story to share monday.

i feel so guilty for the recent times i was hot headed with her. i wasa miserable sob for short periods, unprovoked. i am about to lose it over the times she tried to be positive and i basically shut her down.

i feel she is lost
i feel i have lost her
and i feel lost

i am sorry. i have tried. i have tried very very hard to be strong. but this is who i am. we can put a lable on it- i'm a codie- but it is what it is. we cannot help who we love and care for. and i cannot help feeling immense saddness

hello-kitty

Glad to hear you are going to meetings. When did you attend the last one and what did you get out of it? Do you have a sponsor you can work the steps with?

steve1840

last was about two weeks ago. its a small group. have not found sponsor. the people there are nice, but a years beyond where i am. so i have no one to relate to really. i might have to check out others

hello-kitty

Well perhaps you need to focus on your own recovery and let her handle hers... hmmm. Where have you heard that before.

steve1840

yes there was. and yes, right now i do feel like i need to relate to someone closer to where i am. it's like i have not grieved yet. i have kept hopeful and optimistic. even as i felt myself detaching with one hand, i felt the grip of the other tightening. i guess i have not admitted to myself that i do not want to let go. i am scared to let go. it feels that if i let go, i have nothing. yes i have great friends and family, but i mean that if i let go, i let her go. i let her drift away. i let her sink. i can see her hand reaching out some, and all i want to do is grab ahold and pull her up, even at the risk of being pulled in myself.

this is going to be an interesting weekend for me.

Lizzaayy

you're not her hero, steve. you need to stop seeing yourself as such.
let go and move on. there is a world and a life outside of the addict you love, trust me. and it is much happier and healthier for you.

steve1840

cynical-
it's not like i am wallowing around with other codies who are as dense or slow as me. i have been around her in her sickness. sure, there is a comfort in knowing where she is and all, but it is not a comfortable life. my friends and family are all fairly healthy, but i cannot relate to any of them about this. i see that sometimes it is easier to remain stuck rather than dig your way out. i just cannot make that first big step. i know what the right words are to say here, but i cannot lie to myself. logically i was really close at times. but when she disapears i get set right back to the beginning. it is insanity. i know that. and yes, maybe i am afraid to move on, to meet someone healthy. i knowi am not without my issues...

...which leads nicely into HELLO KITTY

Well perhaps you need to focus on your own recovery and let her handle hers... hmmm. Where have you heard that before.

yes. i do need to. and i beleive i may have read that somewhere here before. honestly, i do not know what stop me from doing it.

LIZZAAY- i do trust in your words. all i can say is i am scared and sad.

steve1840

oh yeah, and who was it who said something about a pink codie van- i think right now i would like to see it pull up with some folks from the forum.

hello-kitty

All i can say is that I feel so sorry for you. Codependence is a disease like addiction in many ways. And you are unable to break free. That must feel terrible. I hear that when the pain of changing is worse than the pain caused by not changing, we change. I wonder when you are going to reach that point. I wonder what's holding you back.

What do you think caused you to become so codependent? Unless you deal with the underlying issues that cause your behavior, it doesn't matter whether she is in your life or not - the problem will still exist within you. I am no psychiatrist, but I think that self-examination regarding your childhood experiences, your current situation and what is missing inside you that has caused you to stay in this mess would be helpful. And then some serious cognitive therapy. This has been suggested before but you don't seem to be willing to go there. Being stuck is comfortable for you. Thinking you can fix this and being devestated over and over and over works for you for right now. I guess you are where you need to be but it's hard to watch.

I hope you get professional help Steve. I really do.

Don't quit before the miracle. Your miracle.

sailorjohn

Yeah, but it turns out my 'love' was causing more damage than good. To both of us.

Nothing wrong with feeling sadness, but after you step back for a period of time you can really see things as they truly are, and if you don't keep 'picking at the scab', the pain subsides and the wounds heal.

meditation

For me and my fears I do believe it all boils down to fearing to trust. I don't trust well or easy. I fear to hand myself over to anyone. I even fear trusting my HP who despite how I behave and feel continues to care for me. If I can't trust myself, others or HP I can't let go to allow someone else to be as they are whatever and whatever it is they are at this minute. I have learned I am powerless but trust is my addict fear and my codie fear. Steve do you have trust issues possibly? And maybe in her case rightly so, to not trust because she's proven she doesn't follow through. I think in my case I have to trust in a greater power than myself to handle the whole she-bang and handle it far better than I could ever handle it.

coffeedrinker

steve,

i hear your pain, and i hear your confusion. often, we don't understand until we can apply hindsight. we get clarity down the road, when our messed-up emotional selves are sort of cleaned up. that's what has happened to me, anyway.

what i can say now with certainty, is that what kept me stuck the way you are, was the hope. fantasy might be a more appropriate term.

what i hear in your posts, through your overwhelming compassion, is VICTIM. this woman believes that she is a victim, and you do as well. i would urge you to let go of that, and start believing that although her life has dealt some awful blows, she still has chosen, and continues to choose, to abuse drugs to manage her pain, and her life.
for this, she is not innocent. we are all responsible for our actions, and she, like us all, is culpable.

the thing about this sounding easy. every one of us here who has gone through something similar, knows it's not. but still, you can choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

i absolutely do not believe that you can progress as you need to, steve, unless you have zero contact with, and about, her. you seem pretty motivated at this point, perhaps for the first time since i've been reading your posts. this is the first day of the rest of your life.

peace...

keepinon

I would suggest some reading on step 1...powerless over the addiction. You are. We are. Believe us when we say YOU ARE NOT HELPING HER! There are several RA's on this site who will tell you when people let them feel the consequences of their actions ..that is when they started to want more for themselves. Have you heard the phrase "being on the hook?" Man, she has got you on her hook.
When I showed up to my first ALAnon meeting, I was humbled and ready to listen to what other people told me, because MY WAY WASN'T WORKING. Those people at the meetings who you see as so far ahead of you, they did as they were told by the program, their sponsors, etc. I chose to surrender..maybe one day soon it will get bad enough for you too.

dollydo

Steve it is not a pink codie van....it's a pink hummer....and I am the driver....once you jump in and join us codies there is no turning back, we are on a mission to break your codependency.

All kidding aside, I too think professional help is in order. You just are too wrapped up in her problem, her life, and that obsession leaves no time for you to take the necessary steps for you to recover from codependency.

I tossed out my exabf when I realized that he was toxic to me, that he was using me and that I loved me more than I loved him....and with that realization, I left him in my dust and I am soooo happy, I am at peace, my life is good.

Please get some help, you just cannot continue this path that you are on, you will end up losing yourself and may never recover from that setback. She will be gone, and you will end up holding the bag.

Babyblue

Hi Steve,
You have what they call catastrophic thinking. "All or Nothing". If this than that. Life isn't like that. No one knows what will happen to her. Why are you thinking that if you let go, she will get worse? Most likely she will get better. That is why people are really telling you to let her go because you aren't helping her, you are actually HINDERING her. If you want her to recover you need to let go. Again, no all or nothing thinking. Letting go doesn't mean she won't come back when she is well. Ok? It just means giving her the space to find her own way. No one said letting go means she is out of your life forever. It means out of your life in active addiction. Do not be around her as long as she is using. You are turning this into something more horrific in your head. Relax. Step back. Far back. Do you have a therapist?

ZombieWife

Please hang in there. Accept the love coming at you. There is a lot of it here.

**~~*~*~*~*~*

oshkoshberjosh

An RA on this site once said that, before he entered into recovery, when those around him would do nice things for him, it made him feel like a scumbag...like he didn't deserve nice treatment because of his addiction. Just something to think about.

This is going to sound harsh. You are not in love with her as she exists today. You are in love with a fantasy. I hope you can learn to see her for who and what she is.

tam

Hi steve, so sorry your still in pain. we all know its not easy. just remember addiction didnt happen over night to your friend, codependency issues that you are having also didnt happen over night. so, your recovery isnt going to happen over night either. BUT, it will happen. as much as you have hope for your friend, you have to start having hope for yourself. I know myself, it took a long time to come to terms with the fact I was a codependent, I truly didnt even have a clue prior to him leaving what it even meant. I was insane from it after he left.(and well before as well) I was taken to the ER 3 times with panic and all 3 times was told you have to take care of yourself. no one agreed with me that I wanted to help my husband get well, I feared for his life. so I kept trying and trying, I will get him sober..I couldnt let go, I couldnt go no contact. I had police, doctors, fireman, accountant, social workers, customers, suppliers,everyone tell me they had addiction in their family and that I needed to seek support and help myself. but no no no, not me, I can help cure him. there is no way I could live without him, no way. we need each other, we love each other, it will get bettter..all those people are just wrong!! they dont know us! well then I ended up in a dark hole, deep dark hole. there were days I didnt leave the house, I didnt get dressed. I just sat around thinking and waiting for the phone to ring. I continued on this insane path. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep, I was angry, I thought of him 24/7. then I found this forum and basically crawled into a meeting. I was shocked at first with the responses on here, but over time I kept reading and listening and little by little I started finding serenity from the overwhelming information and sharing of stories that I took this seriously and said wow, I need to do something with ME. I started to step back,I started no contact, I started to take care of myself. so eventually the weight starting lifting off of me,but it took time. I now know that I wasnt alone. I knew I had to change my behaviors, my thinking, my life. I hit rock bottom, I was sick, very sick from it all. Please please try your best, try harder each day to let go of her,do no contact (and you will count the minutes,days,hours..it was hard, I wont lie) but believe me you will feel better. give yourself credit too steve , think of how far you have come by posting and thinking or reacting differently than before and say to yourself, hmmmm..wow, Im okay, Im not insane, Im not alone...I can do this and do it, at this point what do you have to lose? your already losing your mind and your life, things we can control.

lovechild

Steve i hope you will find your peace.

Kindeyes

Steve
It's all baby steps. Two baby steps forward, one baby step back, three baby steps forward, one baby step back. But in the long run, we DO move forward. We can't wiggle our noses and make all of those feelings go away.....it's a process.....and some days are better than others.

I allow myself to be sad. It's a feeling that I need to get OUT of my head and body or it becomes toxic. The "trick" I use is I allow that sadness for a set period of time....say 1/2 hour in the morning. Then I let it go and move toward a happier frame of mind.

That's what I do. It works for me. You may need to develop your own coping mechanisms and it will take time. But you will get there.

And yes......a time comes when the pain of letting go is less than the pain of holding on.

gentle hugs