Why do we stay?
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
I've wondered this about myself, for a long while now.
One of the reasons I stayed was because by the time I FINALLY convinced myself that it was a very unhealthy relationship (to say the least), my self confidence had been worn down so much, that I didn't believe I actually possessed the power to walk away and take care of myself. We've come this far, there is no going back now. I dug deeper, and deeper into that hole.
Another reason is that I was CERTAIN that I was the only chance my addict had left. I am the one with the good head on my shoulders. I am the one who has my life together. I am the one who will be the rock throughout everything that will happen. I would always tell myself that if we have made it this far, it must be for a reason. I was going to remain strong. I was going to stick it out through the bad times, I was going to help him get sober, and I was going to be there for the good times. We were going to be happy... FINALLY! (I wish that we: family members, boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, actually HAD that much power - It would make things a heck of a lot easier!)
It's amazing to think that I actually believed I had so much control over his life and his addictions. I think it's because his life had become my life. His sickness had become my sickness. His bad decisions, his messes, his consequences... all mine too. And up until a certain point, I had always had control over the bumps in the road in my life. I was now collecting the bumps in his and making them mine to fix, it felt natural.
I thought I was so 'strong'. What took me up until recently to understand is that being STRONG is not any of those things I was doing for my addict. I had gained a completely botched perspective of what strength was. It was not finding satisfaction is being able to pay off a drug dealer. It was not making sure my addict went to work. It was not caring for my addict when he was dope sick, helping him find his next fix. I was sure that I was the BEST girlfriend, because I would do all of these things, anything necessary, and still be there. WRONG!
I had sacrificed all of myself for his addictions. I had forgotten that strength was not holding on as I was. Strength is saying No, you will not be in my life if you continue to use and abuse our relationship. Strength is saying, I love you enough to know that if I continue to enable you things will never get better. Strength is sometimes saying, Goodbye.
I needed him like he needed to use. I had become sick enough to believe that he held the key to my happiness. Personally, that is why I stayed.
One of the reasons I stayed was because by the time I FINALLY convinced myself that it was a very unhealthy relationship (to say the least), my self confidence had been worn down so much, that I didn't believe I actually possessed the power to walk away and take care of myself. We've come this far, there is no going back now. I dug deeper, and deeper into that hole.
Another reason is that I was CERTAIN that I was the only chance my addict had left. I am the one with the good head on my shoulders. I am the one who has my life together. I am the one who will be the rock throughout everything that will happen. I would always tell myself that if we have made it this far, it must be for a reason. I was going to remain strong. I was going to stick it out through the bad times, I was going to help him get sober, and I was going to be there for the good times. We were going to be happy... FINALLY! (I wish that we: family members, boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, actually HAD that much power - It would make things a heck of a lot easier!)
It's amazing to think that I actually believed I had so much control over his life and his addictions. I think it's because his life had become my life. His sickness had become my sickness. His bad decisions, his messes, his consequences... all mine too. And up until a certain point, I had always had control over the bumps in the road in my life. I was now collecting the bumps in his and making them mine to fix, it felt natural.
I thought I was so 'strong'. What took me up until recently to understand is that being STRONG is not any of those things I was doing for my addict. I had gained a completely botched perspective of what strength was. It was not finding satisfaction is being able to pay off a drug dealer. It was not making sure my addict went to work. It was not caring for my addict when he was dope sick, helping him find his next fix. I was sure that I was the BEST girlfriend, because I would do all of these things, anything necessary, and still be there. WRONG!
I had sacrificed all of myself for his addictions. I had forgotten that strength was not holding on as I was. Strength is saying No, you will not be in my life if you continue to use and abuse our relationship. Strength is saying, I love you enough to know that if I continue to enable you things will never get better. Strength is sometimes saying, Goodbye.
I needed him like he needed to use. I had become sick enough to believe that he held the key to my happiness. Personally, that is why I stayed.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sometimes we stay because we think we can fix that which is not ours to fix.
Sometimes we stay because it's what we know. We are afraid of change.
Sometimes we stay because we think "they" will change, yet we are not willing to change in any way.
For me, I kept the relationship with my son alive thinking it would keep him alive. But one day I just had "enough", knew I could not do it anymore, said a prayer and gave his care to God.
That was the day I stayed no more, but let go and let God and was free.
Prayers for you, Momsrainbow. You will know when it's your time to let go. Until then you will stay.
Hugs
Sometimes we stay because it's what we know. We are afraid of change.
Sometimes we stay because we think "they" will change, yet we are not willing to change in any way.
For me, I kept the relationship with my son alive thinking it would keep him alive. But one day I just had "enough", knew I could not do it anymore, said a prayer and gave his care to God.
That was the day I stayed no more, but let go and let God and was free.
Prayers for you, Momsrainbow. You will know when it's your time to let go. Until then you will stay.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I stayed because I thought I could love him into better health.
I stayed because I wanted to protect his son from him.
I stayed because I was afraid to coparent with him outside the bounds of marriage.
I stayed because I thought no one would want an ex-stripper, stretchmarked, broken single mother.
I stayed because I was afraid to coparent with him outside the bounds of marriage.
I stayed because I wanted to protect his son from him.
I stayed because I was afraid to coparent with him outside the bounds of marriage.
I stayed because I thought no one would want an ex-stripper, stretchmarked, broken single mother.
I stayed because I was afraid to coparent with him outside the bounds of marriage.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
We stay because we don't listen the first time that little voice (intuition, God,self-preservation) says"oh no this ain't right!" We stay because we allow our boundaries to be crossed, weakened, then destroyed. We want people to like us, not judge us for walking away and allowing the addict to face the consequences. We stay because we know so much more than everyone else..no one understands our situation (terminal uniqueness). We stay out of sheer willl, stubborness, an inablity to see things as they actually are. We saty because we are codependant and who else would put up w/this crap instead of running screaming into the night? We stay because we are sick. When we are sick and tired of being sick and tired..when we seek recovery for OURSELVES...well then, everything changes.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
I stayed because I knew almost nothing about drugs.SR had so much advise,my heart and gut told me but I kept thinking he might, just might change. I read "What Addicts Do" many times. And finally-FINALLY-enough was enough.
Let go and let God take over where I failed.
Relief from the roller coaster ride finally and peace will come.
Let go and let God take over where I failed.
Relief from the roller coaster ride finally and peace will come.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
i stayed because he was the rest of my life. He was the answer to my not belonging - he made me fit in with him. he understood me so much he knew exactly how to talk to me so i would give him what he wanted until i said no and got back to me. just in the nick of time too. any longer and me would not have existed anymore. Never had a decent or even long relationship so he was it since i am getting older by the day. Giving him up meant to give up my future as a wife, a girlfriend a best friend becoming a loner again and facing dying alone. Yet giving him up even though is still sooooo hard to deal with was the best decision i have made in a looooong time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Giving him up meant to give up my future as a wife, a girlfriend a best friend becoming a loner again and facing dying alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
my wedding vow 26 years ago.."I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, for better or worse, richer or poorer , in sickness and in health until death do us part.".
until addiction entered in, I still in my heart believe in my vows, just not sure in my mind anymore..but I sure tried.
until addiction entered in, I still in my heart believe in my vows, just not sure in my mind anymore..but I sure tried.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Good stuff....
There are really so many reasons or, rather, combinations of them that cause us to stay. For a very long time, I blamed myself for the staying. I didn't blame the 'other' for their part nearly as much. So, for me, the most valuable lesson I learned is to ask why, search for the answers, then, begin to change that part of myself that accepts the unacceptable - whether it be fear, insecurity, denial, and/or complacency - which in my case all held true.
I was at an Al-Anon meeting last week and part of the reading was "keep it simple" and this thought was suddenly clear: it really is simple: I can leave. I can walk away. I always had that choice. I complicated it with what ifs, whys, and so on....I feared the pain of leaving more than the pain of staying. I held onto that fear, it was all I had. Yes, it would hurt, I would have lost things, I would have had to face the truth and face people knowing the truth....but all that is....well, the truth. Denying it didn't change it; hoping didn't change it.
In a sense, it all did rest with me, the blame part, I mean. My addict husband made his choices - those were on him, troubled background or disease or not; BUT I was free to make my own choices, I just had to come to believe in them.
I'm worth it.
There are really so many reasons or, rather, combinations of them that cause us to stay. For a very long time, I blamed myself for the staying. I didn't blame the 'other' for their part nearly as much. So, for me, the most valuable lesson I learned is to ask why, search for the answers, then, begin to change that part of myself that accepts the unacceptable - whether it be fear, insecurity, denial, and/or complacency - which in my case all held true.
I was at an Al-Anon meeting last week and part of the reading was "keep it simple" and this thought was suddenly clear: it really is simple: I can leave. I can walk away. I always had that choice. I complicated it with what ifs, whys, and so on....I feared the pain of leaving more than the pain of staying. I held onto that fear, it was all I had. Yes, it would hurt, I would have lost things, I would have had to face the truth and face people knowing the truth....but all that is....well, the truth. Denying it didn't change it; hoping didn't change it.
In a sense, it all did rest with me, the blame part, I mean. My addict husband made his choices - those were on him, troubled background or disease or not; BUT I was free to make my own choices, I just had to come to believe in them.
I'm worth it.
Last edited by itisatruth; 10-08-2010 at 09:29 PM. Reason: I'm worth it
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Initially I stayed because by the time I realized how bad it was - and even what it was - I was already a hostage. I had entwined my finances, my home, my kids/his kids before I really "got it". It was all a snow job until I was hooked and then the "real guy" came out.
Now I stay because he has 5 years sober, it's getting better although it has a long ways to go, and because my kids do not want to move. And I guess that I don't either.
I think that there are a million different reasons why we stay and the same for why we go.
Now I stay because he has 5 years sober, it's getting better although it has a long ways to go, and because my kids do not want to move. And I guess that I don't either.
I think that there are a million different reasons why we stay and the same for why we go.
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