MaryGoRound

I need to do this. I CAN do this. Who's with me.

I want to do everything in my power to not contact for a year. If I need to sail to Europe with no phone or internet. So be it. But I'll be damned if I do this to myself again.

This piece of **** has got me all tore up and I am pisssssed. So back to square one, hardcore no contact. Hard core take care of myself.

sofacat

Good idea...Try to take this one day at a time.

coffeedrinker

Good to make a commitment. It's the first step in any goal.

I'm with you!

MaryGoRound

Oh its always easy at first when the fires hot, I'm gonna try and make it though. I'm even thinking about going to europe to be an au pair for awhile after I graduate. So many ideas, and I'll have plenty of distractions...that's okay right?

BBD

Sounds like a good plan. Write everything down your upset about and IF you feel yourself weakening....read it. Europe sounds fantastic. A job and another country will certainly keep your mind where it should be. And, who knows~~~you just may stay there. Good luck. Bonnie

keepinon

Anger can be a great motivator..it makes us MOVE, GET UP and START doing something different!

MaryGoRound

Yeah! that's what it feels like...I'm putting myself into action.

Is going to Europe away to avoid myself, though? That's what I want to be sure of.

Also, I have his meth pipe thing or "wobble" as he so lovingly calls it. I though about running it over (don't want to pop a tire), throwing it out into some body of water (don't want it to wash up somewhere or liter), its so disturbing i don't know what to do with it....I can't just like throw it in the trash, someone in my family might find it...

what should I do with it?

I refuse to let this drag me down. I am so thankful to be strong enough to not let it. the only thing I fear is always having that soft spot for him.

ItsmeAlice

Smash it, box it, bury it, and mark the "grave" with Here lies my contact with **, may it rest in pieces.

If you want to talk to him you can go to the memorial and talk to it instead of ruining your serenity with talking to him.

I'm a year and one week out from contact with XABF, but I think I can muster another year. I'm motivated to do it at the very least and that means a lot.

Alice

MaryGoRound

That's a great idea Alice. Its nice to hear from you. I'll have to think of a good place..lol...i dont want to taint a familiar place with that lil gravesite.

Good for you - its people like you i have to look up to. Thank you for that.

I have all these options with my life and I've been avoiding making these choices...this person is just a distraction from reality. I am doing okay. I don't really feel sad today. Just mad, but mostly sort of stunned into numbness.

I can't go back. Only forward from now on. MAYBE a year or longer from now I won't even want to open up the lines up for even an apology. At this point, I don't even need one.

It would have been nice to see this person stop suffering...but ya no what it feels like standing next to him is standing in quicksand..waiting to drown and suffocate. Its only a matter of time, everytime.

So I DON'T LOOSE. Go ahead, enjoy living in the dark.

ItsmeAlice

I was recently with my family for my birthday and my father asked me if I had spoken to XABF.

A classic example of how my father will be trying to just make conversation but will pick the last topic you want to discuss. Poor Dad.


Stay strong!

MaryGoRound

Lol...aww.

I mostly don't like to talk about it with anyone. And certain things that remind me of him or me and him giving me that wincing feeling, like ooo..ouch.

Haha. But uhh...day one? pretty good. Day ONE...uhh jesus.

Lizzaayy

keep it up. it gets better =)

outtolunch

This is from one of your initial posts:

Whew. Here I am. Just when I think my A is at his bottom, it's actually me at one of the lowest points. I feel so hopeless and worthless. I can't stop crying and I feel as if part of me will never be able to move on. I've tried no contact for extended periods of time. I've dated. I've been single. But that damn hope. I'm addicted to it. I have a problem. I can not accept that I have to let go. I am sick with the thought of this being the last time. He seems to get closer and closer and I just want to be there when he's clean.

It struck me then as it does now that how you feel abut yourself is tied to what this meth addicted guy does or not. How whacked is this? Wanting to be there for the pay-off is the rational ( excuse) we make to keep on doing what we are doing and expecting a different outcome.

And for crying out loud, what's up with the wobble fixation thing? Was taking it supposed to cause him to snap out of it? And now the drama about what to do with it as you head off to Europe to escape.

The problem is within you, within all of us and we can run and hide and all that but the problem remains within us. All the time and energy we put into playing detective, rescuer, warden, plotting, praying, reading minds detracts from the work we have to do on ourselves.

Have you considered seeking therapy to learn how to love yourself, again?

MaryGoRound

outtolunch I appreciate ur insight. I do love myself. Perhaps therapy is a great idea to vent and continue to explore myself.

I'm well aware that taking it makes ne difference. Really.

I am myself where ever I go. Yes. I am me whether or not anyone decides to change. I recognize this...very well. I don't feel there is any DRAMA about what to do wit h it. LOL. I am simply asking what to do with it simply because I don't want to say, get caught with it and get arrested.

I have considered that maybe I am running, but I sure as hell am not hiding, thank you very much.

ItsmeAlice

For what it's worth, I agree that taking the pipe served no realistic purpose. It just shows what we can be brought to when our addiction to our addicts rears up on us.

XABF would have stints of abstinence and life would start to level off and feel good again. Trust would return. Love would return. I would start to feel a little like my old self again, and yet all it would take is one beer. One lousy beer in his hand, and I would start from scratch. Petty behaviors to try to deter him would take over me. I'd be crawling through his truck counting cans and taking money from his wallet so he couldn't spend it on beer the next day. A spiral downward in a flash.

I'm not proud of these things. Thankfully now I find them laughable. But they are just an example of how quickly contact with his addiction dropped me right back to my lowest level. The anger and frustaration of it all were overwhelming.

I think this last contact for you Mary is just an example of how quicky it all comes to a head for you. The hope, the anxiety, the love, the frustration - all of it. Seeing him looking worse and saying all sorts of sweet things just sealed the deal.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? So try something different. Think of the ways you've blocked contact from you before and try something new. Block yourself from him if you can. I have the option to block numbers from being dialed on my phone so even if I get the urge (which I admit has happened), I can't call without submitting the request and waiting until the next day for the account to update. Gives me time to cool off. All those little parental controls come in handy in parenting myself. LOL!

Hope you're hanging in there!!

Alice

MaryGoRound

I disagree with that. Why on Earth would I break no contact and give it back to him?

MaryGoRound

I didn't go looking for it. It was right there. If someone had a gun and they were planning on killing themselves...sorry I'd take the gun!

Lizzaayy

i get that, mary.
sure they might still kill themselves, but at least not with the gun you saw, within your arms reach.
i do not understand cynical's point, however. you're saying she should contact the x and return his meth pipe? if i misunderstand, please correct me.

i like the idea of burrying it, and making a 'grave' for it. venting on something like that, instead of contacting the x, that sounds like great therapy. really, give that some serious thought. i know me writing in my journal and venting has helped immensely.

ItsmeAlice

Well, I feel like Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall today looking at both sides of the topic.

I see Cynical's point. At the base level Mary took the pipe. That's stealing. He wanted it back and she refused. Hard to argue that. It wasn't legal for him to have it and it wasn't legal for her to take it. Not to mention her failure to show self care by risking herself in this way.

Though given that posession of it is criminal, he can't exactly demand it back, but I get the resistance to returning it due to the apparent contact. Realistically, though, Mary could drop it at his doorstep without seeing him (would take serious self control) or drop it in a mailbox somewhere with no return address on it and mail it back to him. He'll know who's it from.

I think the longer you wait and mull over this piece of addict memorabilia, the more it becomes an etension of your addiction to him. Hanging onto it means hanging on to him.

Time to move on.

coffeedrinker

I agree about just getting the return/burying or whatever, over with.

I think the debate over stealing, the why she did it, what should be done now, etc,
is over something that isn't worth a lot of energy. Everyone does things in haste they later regret. It was clearly a Reaction.

Just get rid of the darn thing, Mary. Throw it in a bag, into a dumpster somewhere, the bottom of the ocean, on his doorstep, or put dynamite under it. Just move on.