Trials & Tribulations of marriage to an addict
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Mexico
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Trials & Tribulations of marriage to an addict
So marriage to an addict is no easy task, especially a functioning addict. The past year and 9 months of my life were the hardest I've ever endured. When we met things were fantastic and wanderful all that jazz that new relationships are, and to say the least I was swept off of my feet. It was a whirlwind romance, we were married 7 months later.
My addict had said to me that she had been clean 3 1/2 years off of meth but was still smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol (she was a bartender when we met), a job she was later fired from. She had been to rehab once before and admitted to being kicked out for non-compliance.
Well little did I know that she had relapsed 1 month after we had moved in together (3 months before we were married) because I was struggling with an illness of my own rheumatoid arthritis. I had been diagnosed shortly after she had relapsed.
She continued to use for 8 more months and when I finally began to feel better is when I started to really notice something was off with her (besides the physical and verbal abuse i was already recieving). In November 2009 was when it all came out and I gave her an ultimatum to either go to rehab or our marriage was over. .so in January 2010 she went for 21 whole days.
This entire year has been one lie after another not to mention the stealing. So in August 2010 we were divorced. .what upsets me the most is what she has told friends and family members of why she left the marriage. She is a very very good liar and manipulator. .she is very pretty and she uses her charm and looks to throw people off (how she got me).
Her family is in complete denial of her use, well her meth use. She smokes marijuana with her father and younger brother and her mother is in denial. .also like I said she is a functioning addict and can hide her addiction very well. Right now I'm the only one who knows she has relapsed on meth, I don't even think she knows that I know. .I'm finding myself still involving myself in her addiction (co-dependency) like I need to do something to help her. which is not my place in any way and I should feel relieved i'm not still married and involved with it.
I guess it's because I was her main support in her recovery. she left the marriage to use, which she relapsed before she left our home and made me seem like a horrible person who just treated her soo poorly she had to leave. I see now it was all just an excuse to use, even throwing me under the bus so to speak. Btw she is also borderline personality disorder which has only added to the marital and continual distress.
I'm kinda upset that I feel I still need to rescue someone who never wanted to be rescued and someone who never appreciated everything that I sacrificed and did for her.
My addict had said to me that she had been clean 3 1/2 years off of meth but was still smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol (she was a bartender when we met), a job she was later fired from. She had been to rehab once before and admitted to being kicked out for non-compliance.
Well little did I know that she had relapsed 1 month after we had moved in together (3 months before we were married) because I was struggling with an illness of my own rheumatoid arthritis. I had been diagnosed shortly after she had relapsed.
She continued to use for 8 more months and when I finally began to feel better is when I started to really notice something was off with her (besides the physical and verbal abuse i was already recieving). In November 2009 was when it all came out and I gave her an ultimatum to either go to rehab or our marriage was over. .so in January 2010 she went for 21 whole days.
This entire year has been one lie after another not to mention the stealing. So in August 2010 we were divorced. .what upsets me the most is what she has told friends and family members of why she left the marriage. She is a very very good liar and manipulator. .she is very pretty and she uses her charm and looks to throw people off (how she got me).
Her family is in complete denial of her use, well her meth use. She smokes marijuana with her father and younger brother and her mother is in denial. .also like I said she is a functioning addict and can hide her addiction very well. Right now I'm the only one who knows she has relapsed on meth, I don't even think she knows that I know. .I'm finding myself still involving myself in her addiction (co-dependency) like I need to do something to help her. which is not my place in any way and I should feel relieved i'm not still married and involved with it.
I guess it's because I was her main support in her recovery. she left the marriage to use, which she relapsed before she left our home and made me seem like a horrible person who just treated her soo poorly she had to leave. I see now it was all just an excuse to use, even throwing me under the bus so to speak. Btw she is also borderline personality disorder which has only added to the marital and continual distress.
I'm kinda upset that I feel I still need to rescue someone who never wanted to be rescued and someone who never appreciated everything that I sacrificed and did for her.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Sounds to me like you are much better off without her. Why would you want to go back to that madness? She is an adult. She isn't helpless and you cannot rescue her. Take care of yourself and let her figure out what she needs to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Mexico
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Honestly I never looked at it like that. .I guess that before she went to rehab this last time she held onto her job for a couple of years before she got fired. .looking at the big picture she has been fired and changed jobs pretty frequently before that. since being fired she has quit one job she had for 9 months and is in a new one. I guess she is just good at hiding it in the beginning seems that about the 9 month mark is when things fall apart for her. Thanks for the insight. . .
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Portland, OR
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You cannot change her - she has to want to change herself. It must be hard with the marriage but she was dishonest with you. I too am newly married and realize I need to change for myself and for our marriage. I need to be the best partner I can be and that is a sober partner, she deserves this. You need to find a stable, sober partner.
Britt
Britt
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by Nena 
what upsets me the most is what she has told friends and family members of why she left the marriage. She is a very very good liar and manipulator. .she is very pretty and she uses her charm and looks to throw people off (how she got me).
It sure beats getting upset about gossip. The longer I live it, the more fundamental this becomes to who I am.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
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I to was married to an addict and I can really relate to how you are feeling about her lies of why the marriage ended. This is part of a trait from addicts, lies and manipulation. The only thing I can suggest to you is Let the Chips Fall Where they May. It will all come out in the end. Her family is going to believe everything she says until they get caught up in the chaos. When I was going through this with my husband we had seperated, he went to live in another city with his parents, his parents would tell me how great he is doing, he isn't anything like what you say he is...we let him use are truck to look for work, he has our cell phone ect...I started to misbeleive myself, question myself. Then came the phone call that he had overdosed and was in the hospital, I drove there and out it all came. Sure he played it cool in the beginning with them, but as time went on he ran their truck ragged, it was seized in a drug raid, there cell phone was up over $500.00, the list goes on. But not once did they let on to me that this was going on, they still continued to lead me to believe he was doing great until it was to uncontrolable to hide anymore. Still to this day after 7 years his family chooses to believe his stories of why he became so badly addicted, he told them that he was so hurt from me kicking him out of the house that he had to use to numb the pain and hurt. It discusts them to see me living in my home, drivng a vehicle, going on vacation while he can barely efford to buy a can of soup. They think I striped him clean when we got divorced and this is why he is in the possition.
I wasted to muchtime trying to convince them other wise, before I came to gripps that it was a dead end street.
Try and convince yourself to let it go! You know the truth! I know it is hard, but give yourself a huge gift and look after you!
Rose
I wasted to muchtime trying to convince them other wise, before I came to gripps that it was a dead end street.
Try and convince yourself to let it go! You know the truth! I know it is hard, but give yourself a huge gift and look after you!
Rose
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by rose
I to was married to an addict and I can really relate to how you are feeling about her lies of why the marriage ended. This is part of a trait from addicts, lies and manipulation. The only thing I can suggest to you is Let the Chips Fall Where they May. It will all come out in the end. Her family is going to believe everything she says until they get caught up in the chaos. When I was going through this with my husband we had seperated, he went to live in another city with his parents, his parents would tell me how great he is doing, he isn't anything like what you say he is...we let him use are truck to look for work, he has our cell phone ect...I started to misbeleive myself, question myself. Then came the phone call that he had overdosed and was in the hospital, I drove there and out it all came. Sure he played it cool in the beginning with them, but as time went on he ran their truck ragged, it was seized in a drug raid, there cell phone was up over $500.00, the list goes on. But not once did they let on to me that this was going on, they still continued to lead me to believe he was doing great until it was to uncontrolable to hide anymore. Still to this day after 7 years his family chooses to believe his stories of why he became so badly addicted, he told them that he was so hurt from me kicking him out of the house that he had to use to numb the pain and hurt. It discusts them to see me living in my home, drivng a vehicle, going on vacation while he can barely efford to buy a can of soup. They think I striped him clean when we got divorced and this is why he is in the possition.
I wasted to muchtime trying to convince them other wise, before I came to gripps that it was a dead end street.
Try and convince yourself to let it go! You know the truth! I know it is hard, but give yourself a huge gift and look after you!
Rose
I wasted to muchtime trying to convince them other wise, before I came to gripps that it was a dead end street.
Try and convince yourself to let it go! You know the truth! I know it is hard, but give yourself a huge gift and look after you!
Rose
blessings
zenbear
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
His family's distorted sense of reality and responsibility may provide you with a few clues as to why he has ended up where he is. I'm sure they would be offended by the notion that they had anything to do with the way in which he has chosen to live his life.
Do they have the power to control it?
Can they cure it?
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Does this suggest his family caused it?
Do they have the power to control it?
Can they cure it?
Do they have the power to control it?
Can they cure it?
Nope. It might be a blessing, however, if they at least could see it.
Nope. But maybe they can change themselves
blessings
zbear
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
My exah's family had alway themselves or wanted to protray themselves as some perfect family with no problems. Father inlaw was a school teacher, she stayed home and lived her life going to upper class ladies groups, having socials in her home. The children we not to be seen. I remember once finding a letter she wrote to my husband then boyfriend, her suggesting he reconcider marrying me, as my dad was just a mill worker and my mom had some depression problems. She said that in time that is the way that I was going to turn out. The kids were never to go home with a problem, they were told to go away and come back when they had it figured out. I can't imagine this was a great way for to live, but certainly not an excuse for abusing drugs. I does though make sense to me as to why they have no use for me and hold me responsible for his problems, I came from a low class family. In there eyes they truly believe they had a perfect family.
Family is family and it is much easer to blame someone else, convince themselves that others caused his or her problem. I to was one who wanted to and did blame others for my husband addiction. Not until I reached out for help did I come to understand that it was his and his only choice, not his friends, drug dealers or family upbringing that caused any of it. It is so impossible to try and convince families that refuse to get help other wise, so we have to learn to let it go or it will just keep our minds going and going on how to convince them their son or daughter is lying because of their sever addiction problem.
After some years, I did come to the point of not even giving it a thought in my mind anymore or what they think or beleive of me. I give out very little information about myself if there is a snoop bug around. They need not know anything more about me, it is none of their concern. If they choose to snoop and find out anything about me it is only to refuel their beliefs.
Rose
Family is family and it is much easer to blame someone else, convince themselves that others caused his or her problem. I to was one who wanted to and did blame others for my husband addiction. Not until I reached out for help did I come to understand that it was his and his only choice, not his friends, drug dealers or family upbringing that caused any of it. It is so impossible to try and convince families that refuse to get help other wise, so we have to learn to let it go or it will just keep our minds going and going on how to convince them their son or daughter is lying because of their sever addiction problem.
After some years, I did come to the point of not even giving it a thought in my mind anymore or what they think or beleive of me. I give out very little information about myself if there is a snoop bug around. They need not know anything more about me, it is none of their concern. If they choose to snoop and find out anything about me it is only to refuel their beliefs.
Rose
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: KS
Posts: 2
So many posts here I can relate to. I'm here to get information and encouragement as well as wisdom as to whether or not I should stay in this marriage. I'm 42, in a second abusive marriage, so obviously something is wrong with my choice in men. I thought my husband of 5 years was the answer to my prayers and he treated me like a queen before we married. Almost overnight a switch flipped and I saw his dark side... really dark and really well hidden from everyone else. I became suicidal as my self-esteem and self-worth were decimated, as I was the crazy one. He introduced me to cocaine and things went from bad to worse. I then realized this was a secret addiction he had for 25 years and why he never wanted to have sex and was gone a lot and angry when he was home. We lost our house and I lost custody of my son because I told my ex what was going on and he sued for custody. My 18 year-old daughter has no relationship with her dad as he rejected her when she refused to live with him. I had a 50K+ job, a house and perfect credit before my second marriage. I clawed my way out of depression from the abuse of my first marriage only to be taken down worse than ever by this man. He just blew 1,000.00 of his paycheck on crack! He just got a job after 2 years of unemployment and we have been broke on just my income. I've been to trusting of him. All he does is lie to me. I'm ready to leave if I have to, even though I'll be poor. I've lost too much because of him and wonder if I should cut my losses now... is there any hope for someone who is so stupid and irresponsible? I'm not sure he can change? Am I the stupid one?
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Location: Waterford MI
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livewithlies,
sorry your situation has brought you so low.
the only person you can change or worry about changing is yourself.
if you had a job, a house and perfect credit before this marriage, i would bet you could get these things again, but it will take a major shift in your lifestyle.
you are not stupid, you just need some information.
read some of the stickies at the top of the page.
start making a plan for your life and your life alone.
being poor is a he!! of a lot better than living with an out of control crack addict.
Beth
sorry your situation has brought you so low.
the only person you can change or worry about changing is yourself.
if you had a job, a house and perfect credit before this marriage, i would bet you could get these things again, but it will take a major shift in your lifestyle.
you are not stupid, you just need some information.
read some of the stickies at the top of the page.
start making a plan for your life and your life alone.
being poor is a he!! of a lot better than living with an out of control crack addict.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 24
Rose thanks so much for your words, I can totally relate to your situation. .My ex mother in law is in total denial about my ex wife's current use. She pretends that my ex is doing soo well and blah blah blah. .of course like you I was made to look like I am/was this bad person who treated her so badly and she just needed to escapre, yea escape to use meth. Honestly since the divorce I haven't tried once to convince my ex mother in law of what's going on. I know it would just be a huge waste of time. I believe the truth will come out and I am just so relieved that it wont be my problem anymore.
My initial concern was the ex inlaws denial because I knew that for my ex wife it would mean something extremely horrible in the end, rather than intervention. I finally decided that it was either I go down with her or I let her go and start to live my life healthy again. .because she is on her way down and it's just a matter of time now.
I really appreciate what you had to say because it really hit home for me.
Nena
My initial concern was the ex inlaws denial because I knew that for my ex wife it would mean something extremely horrible in the end, rather than intervention. I finally decided that it was either I go down with her or I let her go and start to live my life healthy again. .because she is on her way down and it's just a matter of time now.
I really appreciate what you had to say because it really hit home for me.
Nena
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: KS
Posts: 2
Thank you Wicked for your reply. I'm trying to get my life back on track but it's harder now then when I was single. It's like a catch-22... I want my marriage to work-out because there is something there worth saving, but at the same time it's killing me and making it harder to break away if I need to. I'm back at the company I worked for, but at almost half the salary. The economy doesn't help any. You're right, worse than being poor is living with an an out of control crack addict. Anyone who takes his company car to the hood where he was robbed is insane. He lost 1200.00 actually, but more than that, I have lost so much trust and respect for him I don't know if I can ever get it back... I'm tired of being the cop and monitoring every dime, but I'm afraid if I leave him he'll completely self-destruct. I know that's not my problem but I also know that would haunt me forever if it happened. I hope my hope isn't completely unfounded. I'm just not sure how much longer I can hold out. What if the the light is there but I just can't see it yet? I'm just tired. I'm not even sure I love him anymore.
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