WTYJill

I write this first post literally a few minutes after I let my 21 year old AD in the door. I had locked the doors (unheard of) as well as her favorite "crawling back inside" window in her room. My brother (we're neighbors) called and told me she was outside. He said she wanted in. I told him she needed to knock, and she did. She snuck off about 10:45 last night and just arrived here about 12:30 p.m. today. The only things left to take away from her were the house phone & use of our wireless modem. Took those away today.

Wanted to come here for any suggestions from you guys or maybe your experiences. As for me, I have recently begun attending Alanon meetings and reading everything possible. I believe that I had already begun doing a lot of the things that are suggested, I guess since I'm not going for a St. Martyrdom award, I finally began to figure things out, as far as surviving myself.

I handled her situation with kid gloves for a couple of years now because of events that happened in her life. As many of you with addict children know and can relate to, she is stunningly beautiful, very intelligent, was a star athlete with a college basketball scholarship, and a joy to parent. Two weeks before her high school graduation, my husband/her dad died suddenly. He was a wonderful father and had coached her a good deal, and was coaching her on an AAU (travel) team to prepare for college play when he died. The beginning of the end. She quit ball and eventually dropped out of college. Life has become unmanageable with her disease, and now I'm parenting alone. I was the lenient parent, so everything I must now do is against my nature, to say the least.

After 3 arrests in between end of 08 and summer of 09, she wanted to go to rehab. I found her what I thought was a great rehab ... beach, acupuncture, massage, blah, blah, blah. She begged to stay in sober living after about 90 days, and then she learned how to medicate herself using needles filled with heroin. What was I thinking ... an hour north of Miami? you know? Anyway, during her younger brother's football game last year, I received a call from a stranger who had picked up her phone and found "mom" on the list. He said she was in an ambulance and had OD'd. She was blue and barely breathing. I flew to Florida, whisked her back home, and was left in the house with a heroin addict in withdrawal.

Since then it has been a series of the typical cycles. I thought she was doing so well at one point, I even bought her another car along with a shiny new cell phone so that she could more easily return to her life of drug use (sarcasm).

Yesterday we had an appt here locally for "help." Apparently our town doesn't even have an inpatient rehab, so they offered outpatient. She declared she would not make it even 3 days so not to waste any more money, not that there's any left to waste mind you. So ... last night she flew the coop and just showed up a while ago. She also told the counselor before I came in that I had hinted about kicking her out but that she didn't believe I could do it. She believes she is doing better because she isn't shooting up, and mainly doing Xanax.

I promise you guys, I have come a long way and have done a lot of work to get here. But I'm scared and not sure what to do. She declared again, while shaking uncontrollably today, "I'm done." Of course I don't believe her. I basically told her she had this week to figure out her choices, but neither of those include living here anymore. She can find somewhere else to live or go for help. I fully realize she has to want to go, but I just cannot support her habit any longer, and have squeezed out every bit of enabling I can think of short of a roof over her head.

The book I'm reading says if you make them leave, you need to have a plan. Step 1 - find them a place to live so they will have somewhere to go. What??? That's all the author says about it. Okay, I have a problem with Step 1 because I don't want any of my relatives to have to deal with her.

Every time I think things are bad, they somehow become worse. Now she's in love with a boy she met in rehab who is awaiting sentencing on a felony DUI (hit and killed someone).

Thanks for listening. Sorry for rambling thoughts that sometimes don't flow too well!

Hurtbad2505

Wow, that could have been me writing your post...believe me I know how hard this is but unfortunately I'm not far along enough in my own recovery to offer you anything in the way of advice.

My son is a heroin addict in a methadone maintenance program so he's not doing heroin (as far as I know) but does binge on Xanax...and lots of it! Last week he relapsed again and we gave him the choice of moving out or getting help. He lost his job during/because of the binge so he chose rehab and is suppose to be going next week where he will finally be detoxed off of the methadone (please God).
I do not recommend methadone maintenance as it just a legal replacement for heroin and once they become dependent on it, they are in it for the long haul. Stopping it is as hard if not worse than quitting heroin I hear.

I know the best advice is to put her out so she can hit her bottom without the roof over her head to come to, I also know that is so very hard for a mother to do. Is she willing to maybe try Suboxone to get her off the opiates? If she is taking Xanax on a regular basis, I know it can be dangerous to just stop them cold turkey. My son didn't have that problem because he would just consume them for days or a week and then run out of money or supply and would do well for months at a time until it started all over again.

I don't know, wish I could help more but just wanted you to know you are not alone. Others will be along soon to help, you found a wonderful place for support here..

Btw, my son didn't think we would ever put him out either...but boy did he believe it when his father came home with new locks for the doors..

Hurtbad2505

Also, be sure to read the stickys at the top of the Friends and Family page, there is tons of wonderful information there for parents of addicts..

Chino

I suppose it's a practical suggestion, since most of us do that anyway. Since she says it's xanax, detox fits the bill for temporary housing and protects her from the dangers of withdrawal. A social worker can help her find housing while she's there, like a sober living facility or a rehab. There's always the Salvation Army and it's free, too.

Hang in there Mom and kudos to you for finding, wanting your own recovery!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. I hope you find the support and comfort that I have found here. I'm always sorry to welcome someone as the circumstances that bring us all together are not pleasant.

It sounds as though you are actually doing remarkably well. I also want to express my sympathy for the loss of your husband. I can't imagine dealing with an addicted child alone.

I am at the point that I am allowing my son to hit absolute bottom. I don't know where he is at this point and it's scary but I have to let go and stay out of God's way. His DOC is meth and heroin and who knows what else.

It breaks my heart to hear of another young adult losing grip on reality through the use of drugs. Stick around SR. There are a lot of great people here who offer support during those tough periods that we all have.

gentle hugs

WTYJill

Thank you guys for responding. I did forget that without my realizing she was on Xanax and thinking it was still primarily opiates, I took her to our local methadone clinic as well. She went there a month at most, then when I found out she was taking Xanax, I refused to let her return since I hear mixing them can be fatal. She had voluntarily taken a break from the methadone while visiting her addict boyfriend in another state, so I just refused to take her back after that. She withdrew from the methadone for a long time even after being on it just a short while.

She asked yesterday if she could go back, but I told her I wasn't doing it since she was gonna use Xanax any time she could get her hands on it.

I also found out her drug dealer had been coming out to my house since she has no cell phone or transportation. Get this: He is pretty young for a drug dealer, and I found him on facebook and sent him a little message basically telling him that I knew who he was, realized my daughter is an addict, and that if he comes to my property I will be calling the police. He actually answered me back and said that next time I see him have the decency to speak to him to his face (ha!)... and that what a horrible thing I said about my daughter, that she is a wonderful person.

I told him 1. don't tell me about my own daughter
2. I don't need decency lessons from a teenage drug dealer
3. If I see him on my property I won't be speaking to him, I'll be calling the police.

Yes, I know the codependant in me reached out to him, but I could not control myself. I realize that she could be buying from anyone and that she is the problem, but he was delivering to MY house, and that just won't do.

I have read the stickys, which are really wonderful. Thanks to all of you guys for posting because I read here for a little while before posting because I have so much to learn. I love my daughter like we all love our addicts. I want the best for her, but I really don't want to be part of the problem anymore.

Yesterday, I tried my darndest to have the counselor recommend detox for the Xanax, but she said based on her information, she didn't feel that there was a need for that. We just left after that. You know, addicts smell uncertainty and lack of a plan a mile away, and they take advantage of it every time. I think in case she opts for treatment, I have to have a plan in place. But then am I just being codependent not letting her figure it out? There just isn't much here in our town. We were given a sheet of no-cost, low-cost programs, but I just don't know.

keepinon

I am the mom of an 18 year old heroin addict who is in an sle right now. It is so freakin hard..I kicked mine out a month a fter she turned 18. Could no longer take a front row seat to her destruction. Did the fancy rehab, the not so fancy rehab and now the sle. Broke and tired is wher I am at.so my husband and I are going no contact with her for a while. If she has a cushy bed, food, and a place to do her clothes and shower why should she stop? My sponsor gave me great advice..let her wallow and really live in her addiction, see how she likes that. Living on a floor, no food, no clean clothes, unable to bathe..that's the life of an addict. They must feel the consequences of their addiction.

outtolunch

What's with this we stuff. Are you addicted to opiates, too?

Please take my sarcasm with a grain of salt. Our stories are very common.
Nothing quite like trying to persuade a dealer to stay away from your child, eh. Nothing like advocating on behalf of a child who is not into recovery. I committed myself to fixing my daughter. It nearly bankrupted me financially, physically and emotionally.

Accepting, really accepting, that I was powerless over her , her choices and addiction was the most humbling experience of my life. Putting down my own ego and seeing the situation as is instead of how I wanted, was hard.

Eventually, I removed the obstacles between her and the consequences. No money. No food. No rides. No warm, safe, comfy home and no excuses.

It's all about you laying down the sword and giving your daughter the dignity to figure it out for herself.

mooselips

Jill,
My heart is hurting for you.

IMHO, she needs to be let loose. I know that is way harder than it sounds, but then again, I know how resourceful addicts are, I have 2.

Where is she getting money from?
Does she work?

If she can find money for drugs, she can find housing elsewhere, make her a list, Salvation Army, address of homeless shelter.....and tell her she needs to go. It's about actions and consequences. She cannot follow your rules, she's told to leave.

Easy to say, hard to do.

But I have played the addiction game with my 2 sons for a long time, and theirs plenty of enabling in those years I wish I could undo.

Hugs from one mom to another.........

Chino

Her wanting to return to the methadone clinic means she's back on opiates. The counselor not recommending xanax detox means it's not her daily drug of choice.

WTYJill

Where was her money coming from? She was working and that's where her money was coming from, but she quit and has run out. I think that's why she has become more desperate. The old me would've tried and make her more comfortable but I am finally realizing my job is to do the opposite.

I absolutely promise that I have enabled in many ways, but I have not given her any money. I don't (can't) even keep cash around, and have to use my debit card instead. I've never caught her stealing anything, but I'm not crazy and know that she would. As for the methadone, yes, I was paying for it. I am a slow learner, but I think I am learning. I won't do it again. She probably owes dealers, etc. and claims to get drugs for free (right ...)

Wow, it's exhausting correcting my mistakes. I'm so tired of living with an addict. This is certainly a club none of us wanted to join.

She asked me a few minutes ago if I would call such and such a place and she wanted to go to treatment and would go as soon as arrangements are made. So, I normally make the first call but I will change patterns and tell her she has to do it. I will give her a ride there if she wants to go, but I agree I don't think her heart's in it.

Freaking drugs ... thanks for the responses, the tough ones too

Kindeyes

This made me chuckle.....my AS said the exact same thing "everyone gives me drugs for free"

I am always amazed at how many things the addicts in our lives do or say that are the same. It's like there's an addicts handbook or something.

gentle hugs

keepinon

Once I asked my AD how she got drugs and then wished I had never asked.......stop asking in case she decides to tell the truth!

Hurtbad2505

I also know what you mean about not wanting her to run to your relatives if you put her out. My AS always threatened to go live with my 81 year old mother if I made him leave. I put a stop to that by telling her the WHOLE story of his drug use and let her know that if she let him stay with her he would just steal from her, keep using, and could Die! It broker her heart, but now she knows

WTYJill

The ball is in her court. I'm trying to do better. When I came home a while ago, she was still asleep. The codie me wants to go into her room, wake her up, and nag her about why she hasn't called. Taking advice and staying hands off this time. I do realize that it is useless if she doesn't want it. It's just confusing when ads for rehab say that not every individual should wait until they've hit their bottom, and that prolonging help isn't a good idea when intervention can speed recovery.

She was in rehab last year with a girl who was featured on the TV show Intervention. That girl is still clean & sober. She is older and has several children. My AD believes that it may have helped her to have been on the show with greater accountability. I guess it's possible. Anyway, she has been clean & sober about 1.5 years.

On a side note ~~ really enjoying the cooler weather in Georgia today!

Chino

The ball is still in your court with what you will or won't allow. I enabled when I allowed my daughter to sleep all day. When I practiced tough love on myself, one of the rules was that she had to get up like the rest of the working world and out the door. My home is not a detox, rehab, or day lounge. Can't remember who here used the term 'day lounge' but it was perfect. My daughter took major offense to it and that told me I hit the nail on the head. What she did when she was out the door was her business.

Impurrfect

(((Jill))) - good for you, on coming here, and working on the "not enabling" thing.

I'm an RA (recovering addict - crack) and a recovering codie (codependent)..have/had several A's in my life.

I had to hit bottom...my family told me they loved me, but would not be a part of my life until I "got off that ****", basically. I put my family through he!!, even though they were close to 2 hours away. They didn't know if I was dead or alive, as contacting them was NOT on my agenda...staying high 24/7 was.

We A's are very resourceful. We find money for dope, often in ways you'd rather not hear about, but we always seem to find a way to get high. We CAN use that resourcefullness to get into recovery, too. I have 3-1/2 years off of crack, and am trying to build up my life, after thoroughly crushing it into the ground with financial/career disasters.

I am responsible for my recovery, but I'm very grateful to my family for letting me fall on my face, and find my own way back up. I also owe the people, here, at SR, a lot...they've helped me in ways I never even imagined.

I'm so sorry about your husband, but please, don't blame yourself, or your leniency on her for her addiction. You did the best you could.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

WTYJill

Well, I did walk past her closed door and pause a couple of times, fighting the urge to go in and say, "well, are you gonna call them or not?" but ... I didn't. Later in the day I heard her on the phone with them, so I walked off and didn't eavesdrop. She wrote me a note and said she's going and they can take her on Monday. While I don't really feel optimistic, I will not be negative and will use this time to focus on myself and my own recovery.

I do feel mentally and physically sick. I cannot focus on my job or my own health. I have exercised most of my life unless I feel just too depressed. My husband was most often my workout partner, so working out just isn't the same. I'm going to attend meetings, come here, work out, clean my house, and get my own life in order. It's amazing how when I'm linked to her disease, I can only have so good of a day no matter how hard I try and detach. Maybe practice won't make perfect, but I will get better.

Due to my own childhood trauma, I'm pretty good at detaching from reality, but dealing with this disease, it was more like ignoring the problem than detaching. I'm working on learning the difference. I keep having relapses. What makes me angry is when I think I'm doing better, and then I reexamine a situation and realize I was still enabling. I don't really like talking to family members about it all because I feel judged no matter what. Some think I'm too harsh and others think I'm not doing enough. I never understood before all this, so how could they?

I feel as if I was drafted into a war I didn't sign up for, didn't have a boot camp to help me prepare, and now am blamed for the war. sheesh ...

Thank you all for your concern.

Take care friends

keepinon

Thats why talking to people in recovery is best for me..they know what they are talking about. Moms, aunts, cousins want to be helpful but have NO CLUE about addiction. Also, as far as enabling, I think most of us let go bits at atime as we realizes were were causing more harm than good.