Bringing this to another level
EntertheSticks
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
Bringing this to another level
What first drove me to this site was the fact that I was in a very low place in my life regarding my personal demons with drinking/drug abuse. While working on my sobriety I realized that I needed to figure out "Why" I started getting involved with drugs and later alchohol. I was already drinking by age 11 or 12 (a little fuzzy) and I guess I almost had to go back that far to figure out what made me do what I do.
Upon reading this forum I saw the link to "codependancy" and it kind of hit the nail on the head. I was always put 2nd to cocaine. Dinner didn't matter, it didn't matter that I had to have the neighbors feed me because my mom was such a junked out waste of space, and she still is to this day. I honestly hate her so much for not only ruining her life but putting me in a position where I am having problems being a functional adult because she was such a terrible worthless drug addict. I seriously think I hate her after reading about how her addict behavior warped my contorted view of the world. I did tons of very nice things in my child hood (with my grandparents) but all I can remember is the hurt that I would feel having to knock on my neighbors door cause I was hungry (I lived in a middle class neighborhood cause the junkies parents subsidized her so we weren't homeless). I just seriously want to tell her that I never want to talk to her again, and almost want to spit in her face.
I take accountability for the things I have done, but its like I never even had a chance. I am doing great now financially etc, but No matter what I do in the personal area of my life is ever good enough. I found I am guilty of all the annoying behaviors that co-dependants are guilty of. I have no clue what I need to do, I think this garbage will haunt me the rest of my life. I thought alchohol was my problem, and it is, but when I take a look back I am such a messed up person dealing with her constant me first bs that it makes me sick to my stomach. The few times I have tried to call her out (usually in a drunken rage) the response I get is that "I KNOW IM JUST THE MOST TERRIBLE MOTHER IN THE WORLD (Sarcasm)" followed by self loathing and trying to make ME feel guilty because she is a worthless waste of space. She has done some superficial things for me before (such as birthday presents sometimes etc) but only if it fit in to her drug budget.
I was feeling so good about this sobriety stuff until I read about how my internal behavior and though processes are inherently flawed. I have a genius level Iq, Could have gotten in to ANY ivy league school, pretty much good at anything I have ever put 100 pct in to, yet it NEVER changes this feeling of rage, resentment, guilt, and just general animosity that I hold towards myself and others.
Has anyone else felt this way? and more importantly what did YOU do to get through it? I almost want to go get drunk so I dont feel bad about going on a tirade against her. Good thing my convictions towards sobriety are more important than repeating the cycle.
Upon reading this forum I saw the link to "codependancy" and it kind of hit the nail on the head. I was always put 2nd to cocaine. Dinner didn't matter, it didn't matter that I had to have the neighbors feed me because my mom was such a junked out waste of space, and she still is to this day. I honestly hate her so much for not only ruining her life but putting me in a position where I am having problems being a functional adult because she was such a terrible worthless drug addict. I seriously think I hate her after reading about how her addict behavior warped my contorted view of the world. I did tons of very nice things in my child hood (with my grandparents) but all I can remember is the hurt that I would feel having to knock on my neighbors door cause I was hungry (I lived in a middle class neighborhood cause the junkies parents subsidized her so we weren't homeless). I just seriously want to tell her that I never want to talk to her again, and almost want to spit in her face.
I take accountability for the things I have done, but its like I never even had a chance. I am doing great now financially etc, but No matter what I do in the personal area of my life is ever good enough. I found I am guilty of all the annoying behaviors that co-dependants are guilty of. I have no clue what I need to do, I think this garbage will haunt me the rest of my life. I thought alchohol was my problem, and it is, but when I take a look back I am such a messed up person dealing with her constant me first bs that it makes me sick to my stomach. The few times I have tried to call her out (usually in a drunken rage) the response I get is that "I KNOW IM JUST THE MOST TERRIBLE MOTHER IN THE WORLD (Sarcasm)" followed by self loathing and trying to make ME feel guilty because she is a worthless waste of space. She has done some superficial things for me before (such as birthday presents sometimes etc) but only if it fit in to her drug budget.
I was feeling so good about this sobriety stuff until I read about how my internal behavior and though processes are inherently flawed. I have a genius level Iq, Could have gotten in to ANY ivy league school, pretty much good at anything I have ever put 100 pct in to, yet it NEVER changes this feeling of rage, resentment, guilt, and just general animosity that I hold towards myself and others.
Has anyone else felt this way? and more importantly what did YOU do to get through it? I almost want to go get drunk so I dont feel bad about going on a tirade against her. Good thing my convictions towards sobriety are more important than repeating the cycle.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
First welcome..2nd I would urge you to check out alanon or adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) meetings..I think you could really bebefit. Yes, I am codependant and get mad at the addict in my life (my daughter). Your feelings are normal . But you don't have to stay this angry and miserable. This is a good first step. Lots of people in my alanon meeting are also recovering addicts/alcoholics that need help being on the OTHER side now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
MG85
As most of us codependents are, you sound very conflicted. But you're delving into the reasons behind your addictions and behaviors! That's a great leap forward!
Resentment and anger......I've had my share too. It is said that anger and resentment are like taking poison......and waiting for the other person to die. It eats us up from the inside out--while the person(s) we are feeling those emotions toward go about their life and it never even affects them. It takes time to work through the anger and resentment but once you are able to put it behind you and move forward, you'll feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off your back.
I think you've had a major breakthrough just recognizing those feelings. Now you can (hopefully) work through them and get them out of you. That may sound impossible right now.....but it's not. And once you get those toxic feelings out of you, you'll feel better.
gentle hugs
As most of us codependents are, you sound very conflicted. But you're delving into the reasons behind your addictions and behaviors! That's a great leap forward!
Resentment and anger......I've had my share too. It is said that anger and resentment are like taking poison......and waiting for the other person to die. It eats us up from the inside out--while the person(s) we are feeling those emotions toward go about their life and it never even affects them. It takes time to work through the anger and resentment but once you are able to put it behind you and move forward, you'll feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off your back.
I think you've had a major breakthrough just recognizing those feelings. Now you can (hopefully) work through them and get them out of you. That may sound impossible right now.....but it's not. And once you get those toxic feelings out of you, you'll feel better.
gentle hugs
EntertheSticks
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there. I guess I just feel cheated that I never got a fair shake to develop some very important social skills. it is like my entire life I have felt that I need to Hide who I am, where I come from, and all that. I went to a private school and was literally the only kid who even knew what welfare was. Its like because of her i have to be a chameleon, I am defensive and offensive, I am nice and extremely mean, I can't let go of girls when we break up even if I hate them by the end of the relationship. It just feels like I am incapable of being "normal", having normal relationships, and really caring about what "normal" people care about. Its like I am numb but emotional at the same time, I have a million thoughts going through my head, i can never shut up, but i will be silent for long periods. I absolutely hate when people give me ANYTHING. I have lost healthy relationships (friendship and More than friendship) over these issues.
I have accepted her self destructive tendancies long ago and gave up caring about helping her. However I just think it is too late to undo all these things and get my mind straight. I guess I just got a cold hard smack in the face that I need to solve this spiritual problem before I can ever truly make it as a sober person. I feel cheated that I have to spend my adult life living with the fallout of her problem. that I have pissed away so much because there were things going on in my head that I considered "normal" but in reality were completely nuts. I am the only person that holds myself back, and its like I almost do it on purpose, but in reality I am just wavering because I can never make a decision that is meaningful. Sorry this is so long I just need to see it in writing to have it really hit home with me. I need to recover spiritually.
I have accepted her self destructive tendancies long ago and gave up caring about helping her. However I just think it is too late to undo all these things and get my mind straight. I guess I just got a cold hard smack in the face that I need to solve this spiritual problem before I can ever truly make it as a sober person. I feel cheated that I have to spend my adult life living with the fallout of her problem. that I have pissed away so much because there were things going on in my head that I considered "normal" but in reality were completely nuts. I am the only person that holds myself back, and its like I almost do it on purpose, but in reality I am just wavering because I can never make a decision that is meaningful. Sorry this is so long I just need to see it in writing to have it really hit home with me. I need to recover spiritually.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Milwaukee guy. What a powerful post.
It's never too late. You get to be in control of your future.
You are right. It is a spiritual problem. The 12 steps can help you work through this. They really really can! Half the problem is recognizing the problem and you have done this. Now the next step is to do something about it. And you can do this too. Seriously. Try working the steps. They sure won't make your problem any worse.
However I just think it is too late to undo all these things and get my mind straight.
I guess I just got a cold hard smack in the face that I need to solve this spiritual problem before I can ever truly make it as a sober person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
My father was a serious alcoholic and died from it. I can relate to quite a few of the characteristics you write about. Especially when I was younger trying to hide where I came from - trying to fit into normal with people. I have since learned to accept myself and where I came from, to where I no longer feel like I have to put on a show to be accepted. It is a process for sure.
You definitely need to work through your anger because anger and bitterness hurt you, not the person those feelings are directed at.
On the adult children of addicts forum here they talk about a big book. I plan on getting it soon! The people there have said good things about it. It could be a start to helping yourself work through these issues in your life and start the healing process. Good luck and I congratulate you on recognizing this and wanting to get past it. You can break free...it just takes time and lots of internal "work". Take care.
You definitely need to work through your anger because anger and bitterness hurt you, not the person those feelings are directed at.
On the adult children of addicts forum here they talk about a big book. I plan on getting it soon! The people there have said good things about it. It could be a start to helping yourself work through these issues in your life and start the healing process. Good luck and I congratulate you on recognizing this and wanting to get past it. You can break free...it just takes time and lots of internal "work". Take care.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
