Aaarrrgghhh!!!

Old 09-28-2010, 08:42 AM
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Aaarrrgghhh!!!

ok, this is the week i figured i would get to see what direction she is going. i wish just once this was a black or white outcome. but again, i am pulled in two directions. BUT- forum friends, do not get too disappointed in me as the other direction has a good strong grip and is tugging harder.

she had a meeting to day at 10am with a place that is able to work at getting her into detox and rehab. the rehab is in a great part of manhattan and she seemed thrilled at the idea of it. i took her to the city at 9am. i did not want to hold her hand to the door and give her the chance to at least get there on her own.

the lady she was meeting with just called me. my gf got there at 10:10, but the lady she was meeting didn't get there until 10:20. at that point my gf said she was going across the street to the store. she did not return.

so i get it. maybe she really doesn't want the help. but then why would she be showing up there sometimes. so i play in my head- what could have happened?

1. she bugged out and impulse to get high took over and she just split.

2. the same as 1 but with this caveat: ironically across the street from the place that provides help is one of the drug sets she uses. some of the women on the street there give her trouble. maybe she went to get high and planned to go back but something happened. unlikely, but possible.

in a way i wish i stayed with her until the lady showed up, but in another way i am glad i let her on her own to see what would happen. i fear that i will believe any excuse and then hope for the next time. i also fear that she'll feel ashamed and disappear again. and i also fear that i am having too hard of a time letting this go.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:51 AM
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Been there

Steve,
I have been in your shoes, I lost count of how many times I sat in a hospital emergency room with him until he got admitted into Detox. I haden't realized you were so close as far as town. I am in the Ny area as well. My Exabf went to flushing hospital for detox. it was only a 5 day detox, I'm sure from there they offer option for rehab but he did the same thing. he had some lame excuse like they couldn't find him a rehab in time and once the 5 days are up you have to leave. I dont know the rules, I do know that he has slithered out of every opportunity for help as possible. he also used the going to detox excuse with my many times, just to get me to hang out and keep him company , or let him stay a few days while he gets his things in order etc.
In his case he would wait until the very end to admit himself, meaning he has no more money to use and no way of getting money ro scoring something somehow. It's very frustrating I know. You want to hold their hand and make sure they do it, almost like taking a child to their first day of kindergarten. I tried all of those angles and it didnt work. She has to want to get help on her own, seriously want it, not just sweet talking you into thinking thats what she wants, just so you will lay off. Stay strong.
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:08 AM
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Continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:20 AM
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steve, back in jan.I walked my husband into rehab, he made it in, but 4 hours later walked out.
I learned alot that day. did you?
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:38 AM
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:horse This is what you are doing.
This is what she is doing to you.
:codiepolice This is what you should do.
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by tam View Post
steve, back in jan.I walked my husband into rehab, he made it in, but 4 hours later walked out.
I learned alot that day. did you?
Tam-
since i have known other addicts, i did expect some of this type of behavior. she walked out of the first detox. no real big deal to me. i knew that could happen. but then had excuses not to go to others, that raised an eyebrow. etc etc etc. after this going on for a while i did learn to let her make those moves for herself. she takes one step forward then on back (just like me!)
this was the time though i felt would tell me something. and it has, although the message is not entirely clear. she went on her own- that tells me she wants help. but she left- that tells me she is not quite ready. it tells me that as much as she hates where she is, she is not yet willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. for whatever reason i have not yet been able to go no contact, but i am becoming more able to let her stay where she is.

(again, the thought that keeps messing with me is that she is in a really dangerous neighborhood and i really do fear for her safety. its only a matter of time until something bad happens.)
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:56 AM
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keepinon-

hmm, maybe those pictures will help me better than words
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Old 09-28-2010, 11:35 AM
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Once again - steve - as I have said before to you -

this is said with love, understanding and healthy compassion from someone who has walked a similiar path - ok - it is not meant to be harsh or uncaring ~

appears she is not willing to go to any lengths to get help/walk away for/from her addiction - (drugs)

appears you are not willing to go to any lengths to get help/walk away for/from your addiction (her)

You both are making progress - just haven't made it there yet - as long as you both keep trying there is always a chance ! I have to keep on keeping on too!!!!

Keep on taking good care of you ~ Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:18 PM
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I'm not even gonna mention co-dependence to you Steve. I am simply going to say that you need to educate yourself on addiction and then you will realize why people are saying what they are saying. It is as if you and only you alone have some power over something that has toppled so many families, lives, etc. You don't. The drive to use is so powerful that NOTHING will stop it until she decides she wants help. It is a physical need she has to use. It is about the drug. It isn't really a choice she is making, the drug is making it for her as long as she is in active addiction. You could lock her up and she will still find a way to use.

Your outcome will not be any different because the drug doesnt distinguish between Steve's girl and my guy. It is the same stuff doing the same thing to both. The difference is I chose to be sane and whole for him when he decides to get well and I am not doing anything to compromise his recovery. I love him that much to let go. I love him that much that I will never try to control him. I love him that much that even at the slightest mention of my actions possibly doing him harm tells me I need to do something different. We are talking life and death here Steve. Let her go so she can get well. It is that simple.

Oh and love yourself even more
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:29 PM
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She's not doing it to you she's doing her thing which is addiction. That's her deal, her occupation, her hobby. As an addict what I used to do in my addiction had nothing to do with a plan to hurt another person. I had no wish to harm anybody. I really thought my addiction was all about my love affair with these drugs. Other people had nothing to do with it. I realize on the recovered side of addiction that I was hurting my family. I see the light now. But in Steve's case, she's doing her thing and you are allowing the show to be viewed at your house with you being the host. You don't have to host that, she's only taking cues from what you offer to give.

Her behavior is not depending on what you do or don't do. She is a shining example of how to be a recovered co-dependent... lol she is not factoring you into this at all. She's doing her thing, her way.

But the focus is on you here. Being kind is nice but worrying what an addict will or won't do won't help her or you. Be kind to yourself and step away and live your life not hers. You will be much happier.
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:29 PM
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babyblue-

The drive to use is so powerful that NOTHING will stop it until she decides she wants help.

i get that. i really do. i really hoped that this time she WAS ready and would begin to see it through.

I am not doing anything to compromise his recovery

i do not want to compromise her recovery. but it is really hard to make this step of detaching when she is a working the streets in the ghetto. i don't think i have any power other than somehow being her friend through this. yes, i am terrified at the idea of leaving her there alone. i cannot help it. i get scared that if i detach from her, it will make her worse. i know this may be wrong thinking, but i am not able to turn it around. ther are BAD people where she is homeless. it's not like she still has a place of comfort except for that which i give her. and again, it seems i am wrong for doing it, but i dont know any other way, or i have not let myself learn another way.
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:51 PM
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Let's imagine a scenario where you stayed with her until the lady showed up.She'de have the meeting,get help,but when the first chance of using comes up she would seize it.whenever someone bothers her she would make up plans on using and make them come true. so it doesnt make no difference whether u stayed or not,if she doesnt want help she still WONT get it.
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:13 PM
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it is really hard to make this step of detaching when she is a working the streets in the ghetto. i don't think i have any power other than somehow being her friend through this. yes, i am terrified at the idea of leaving her there alone.
I have been purposely staying away from your threads. I will say this once again.

I LIVED THE STREETS FOR ONE AND ONE/HALF YEARS until I FINALLY GOT SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED AND DRAGGED MYSELF TO A HOSPITAL.

You are not being her friend. You are being her enabler. Each time you talk to her, give her a lift, you give her the thought that this time she will somehow, someway, MANIPULATE her way back into your home.

You are using her as much as she is using drugs. YOU ARE NOT HELPING HER.

Please, please, for your own sanity, for her possibly finding recovery, go NO CONTACT.

J M H O

Can't say it any plainer.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:22 PM
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The program works if you work it. Now, stop quacking and get cracking, ok?
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:23 PM
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:24 PM
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Steve: She is an addict. Addicts place themselves in potentially dangerous situations. Addicts don't hang around church groups. I know she is a great gal to you but you think she deserves to get her drugs in some fancy hotel served by a concierge? That isn't how it works. You gotta see it through her eyes. She isn't seeing the danger, the yuck of it all because she is NUMB. All she is seeing is 'drugsdealerdrugsdealer'. Even if she is placing herself in very scary situations.

Has she ever been arrested? In jail? Are you going to demand she get her own private jail suite because she isnt like other addicts? I am not trying to be glib but you have her on some type of princess pedestal. Which I think is part of the problem. You are refusing to see that she clearly has some draw to this life (due yes to the addiction but sometimes that level of danger is a wakeup call. Not in her case which tells me that there is some type of draw for her, boredom, excitement, who knows). Steve, my guy has college degrees, etc etc. Doesn't stop him from hooking up with a dealer in some horrid place. Sober he would be shaking like a leaf around people he associates with when he is using. I'm not about to go down there and invite his dealers over for coffee and do the exchange in my house because I want him to not be in danger. Eventually he realizes how awful the life is and he gets help. As long as you are there to buffer her from the reality of what she is doing, it will take her that much longer to see it and want out of that life.

Your concerns are valid. It is a horrible situation she places herself in but SHE is the one seeking out her drugs because she is an addict. Seriously Steve, she is doing stuff you probably don't want to even know about just to fund her addiction. Stuff that will break your heart. You need to accept the reality that she is no different than any other female addict on the street trying to survive on account of her addiction. No Knight in shining armor is going to fend off the people she is surrounding herself with now.

I know you are in pain. I was miserable until I realized that the fantasy I had and the reality of who he is were so different. I was clinging to a fanasy and not seeing the reality of what he is doing to himself now. It breaks my heart. But I can't intervene because not only would it not help him, It would really damage myself and I can't afford that, nor can you.
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:35 PM
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Okay,there's this incident that happened a while ago,i didnt learn much from it back then but i hope it helps you,even if you are not ready to make dramatic choices now it's still useful to hear some opinions.
I went to pick up my ABF after he spent the night in jail for hitting a man with his car,ofcourse as you can tell he was using before the accident happened.
He spent the night in jail,the man's family pressed charges and he had a court thing he had to deal with,i couldnt sleep that night. he wanted me to pick him up , the first thing he said is he needed to use! He spent the next couple of hours calling whoever could hook up with drugs. I couldnt beleive he still wanted to use after all.
My point is Steve, it doesnt mater what you do,the using is not controllable by you.Hope that helps.
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Old 09-28-2010, 02:27 PM
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Steve here's another way to look at this. Suppose you had a friend that was hell bent on keeping you from reaching out to every person on the street that was addicted. Suppose this person insisted on you going into a treatment program to cure you trying to place your friends in treatment programs. Suppose this person insisted their treatment for you was the ways and the means that you would "recover". Suppose this person felt you were a nearly a lost cause but they planned on "saving" you and is that not terrific? They get to be the savior, the white knight, the prince and the hero because they saved you from yourself. And in turn you might be grateful for their interventions but then again you might resent them for taking your choices on how you want to recover from saving the world yourself.

For myself as an addict I wanted to have some choices on how I would get better, or IF I would get better. I really am a stubborn person that resents it when others decide what is best for me. I feel much stronger when I can do for myself and live my life without someone else thinking my life is being lived all wrong and not to some standard they think I should be living.
In what we offer to others would we want it offered to us? Now a hug for you.
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:54 PM
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Ok Steve, now what would you like me to say? How can I help you?

Give me the answers, thus far, nothing that I have posted has helped you with your vision of what your GF should do and how she should do it.

LMK and I will do my best to come up with some suggestions on how you can be successful in enabling your GF into recovery.

I am a codie, I want to help!
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:58 PM
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(((Steve))) - you're trying SO hard to focus on the "good" (she went to the meeting), that you're totally blowing of the reality...she changed her mind. Using was more important.

She's grown, she gets to MAKE that choice.

Like ((Laurie)), I lived on the streets. Yep, it's bad, but that was MY choice and I was determined that NO ONE was gonna tell ME what to do! I lived a very high-risk lifestyle, and I did what I had to, to get my dope.

IF she goes to detox and IF she goes to rehab and IF she works recovery like it's the most important thing in her life (because it is), it will be HER choice, and her's only...and it will still be up to her, every day for the rest of her life, whether she uses or not.

My uncle was a heroin addict for more than 40 years, before he quit. Do you REALLY want to be doing this 40 years from now? He's STILL being maintained on methadone, and he is in his late 60's?

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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