steve1840

this has been a very helpful thread. progress is slow, but better than nothing.

i think the first sign concerned controlling. at first i did try to set everything up so that all she had to do was go. i do not do that any more. i haven't for a little while. i cameto understand and actually see that is was better for her to find it on her own, those were the times she seemed most enthused. i have not said anything like- you need help, or you have to do this or that etc. i have let go in the sense that i let her make her choices.

the part that i have been struggling with has been about keeping contact or not.

of course i feel that i have given my life over to all ofthis and i want my life back. and i do not want this to be my life for 40 years. not even one year.

but oh the guilt and feelings of abandoning. i am trying to work on those now.

Impurrfect

(((Steve))) - FWIW, I never felt abandoned, when I was out there. I KNEW I had a home to come to, I just had to quit using, and I didn't want to.

My family told me "we love you, but don't want you around until you quit this stuff". Now, several A's will SAY "you kicked me out" or "you don't love me", but it's plain out manipulation. We just say that, as an excuse, to go use more if we're not ready for recovery.

Every RA has a point where they say "I just can't do this anymore". For some, it's the REAL thought that they may lose their family, or job, or something else (or they've already lost it), and for me, it was the fact that I KNEW I was going to prison if I kept it up. Still, it was my time and my choice. Others don't let prison phase them.

As long as you continue with contact, she knows she can still string you along. She can tell you what you want to hear, do what she wants to do, and you're still hanging around.

If you can't go NC, why not tell her "let me know when you've COMPLETED detox and are in rehab...otherwise I'm not available". Then use that time to work on you and your addiction to HER.

I like what ((Med)) wrote. If we were all to board the "codie bus", come up there and kidnap you, MAKE you not contact her, would you listen to us THEN, or would you still be worried sick over her. My bet is that you'd still be worried sick and resent the he!! out of us, for doing what's right for you...for trying to force your codependency recovery. We all want some say, in our recovery, and we want to know...in the end, that WE did it...not someone else.

You need that feeling, and so does she.

Yes, letting them go to find their own path hurst like he!!. However, the freeing feeling of knowing, in my heart, that I really don't have the power/control I thought I had, is absolutely amazing.

You'll "get it" when you "get it", and so will she. I just don't see either one of you "getting it" as long as you continue talking to her and seeing her.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

steve1840

cynical one- she found this place on her own and went for the initial meeting. since she does not have a phone, she gave my number as the contact number and the lady called to see what happened if she was with me. i really have learned the importance of letting them find help ontheir own. i have no desire to to push her toward that.

impurrfect- i totally get that she needs the feeling of doing it on her own. and i realize that i have NO powerin her getting there. the last thing i am wrestling with is the contact stuff. i get really close to being able to let go, then i grab on at the last second. i dont want to beleive that she may be manipulating me, but i know the possibility is there. i want to believe her at her word about some of the things she says, but i am trying to go more by actions now. i am so very tired. last night i said that i could not meet up and just needed to sleep. that was nice. my parents have been visiting for several weeks and leave on monday and i should spend some more time with them. i feel bad telling her i wont be around, but know that is best.

laurie6781

There is an adage heard around the rooms of AA and NA:

"If an A's lips are moving THEY ARE LIEING."

Let her do this on her own. There is another reason that the A MUST do this on their own ....................... it shows a potential 'sponsor' just how WILLING they are to find recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Serenity Bound

Steve, Both Laurie & Amy have shared with you how they lived and worked the streets.

(and many thanks to both of them for always being honest & open...it has really helped me learn)

Now I want to share with you that my AD.....did the same. I do know how hard it is to watch your friend doing this with her life......but I will tell you that watching and knowing that my ONLY child, MY daughter was doing this............that's really an admittance and acceptance that I didn't want. And yes, I had to go NO contact. (she now has 8 mos clean)



Please listen to everyone, you are not doing yourself or your friend any good. She will stop when she is ready and not before.

Chris

dollydo

Addicts lie, they are master manipulators, they are cunning and sneaky. That really is who they are. They can make you believe that the sun sets in the east, why, because as a codie we want to believe them.

Take off your rose colored glasses, open up your eyes real wide so that you can see the truth.

She knows that you are nutso over her, and, she is using that to her advantage.

meditation

Addicts lie only to get people off their back. I never lied unless I was forced to the wall to get someone that was nagging me to do something I had no intention of doing till I was good and ready. I would tell you anything you wanted to hear to get you to shut up and leave me alone. That is how an addict thinks. Or I really did want to do what someone thought was best for me but when it got down to it the cravings and the emotional/physical pain was so great I did not have the ability to do it. My emotional pain had to be at the point that I had to reach out for recovery.

I can't imagine having a child addicted to drugs. I can hardly now let go of my 19 year old daughter that is thinking of moving to the other coast 3000k away. I know I need to, I know I have to and she's of age but it is still hard to let the babies finally grow up. It is her life and I am here to support her but if she was doing drugs I would have to let go because I know that hanging on tight makes an addict run the opposite direction. So be it with this, it's not my destiny. It's hers.
Steve you really would be great working with special needs kids or the Brother/Sister programs. You have lots of good in you and want to help others but help people that want and need help, there is so much to do out there. Channel this somehow.

lunaa

Cynical one,

Thanks for this post,it really helped.