1988July

I know once he hit me the first time I should have left. Things got bad fast and I didn't get it I have never been in a situation like that before and I was always the pretty, loud obnoxious, froggy girl everyone always thought I was so tough. An I was I was outgoing and happy confident, but something just changed I mean it was like with every broken bone, or black eye, concussion I protected him more and loved him more. He had such a great hold over me I didn't even see it coming. I am completly deaf in my right ear now, I have constant migraines that I have been told will never go away, I may not be able to have any more kids and I still feel bad for him. I still get sad. I dream of him killing me and know what he had done was wrong but I still make excuses. Is that normal?

1988July

Thankyou to everyone for replying I really don't have faith in anything right now and I am soo lost I didn't think any one would have said anything to me. But its like I signed in and everyone here was so nice and helpful. Thank you soo much. Is it ok if I ask questions along the way? I still don't have a clue why I feel like this how to get rid of the feeling why he did it why he's doing it? I don't even know who I am.

Callie

oh my...reread this thread 1988...

You need to get OUT of this chaos

1988July

I thought I would update you I did and I am away from him I haven't talked to him in months were I still am worried sometimes I twine my keys between my fingers when I am walking in the dark or carry mase with me when I don't have my kids. I have managed to detach myself as best as I can with the time frame. My only concerns now are is over dosing and how it could potentially affect my daughter but other then that I have tried my best to wash my hands. I still feel sick when I hear he has overdosed or he had a staph infection because of dirty needle usage but we are ok

Kindeyes

1988July
I'm glad to know that you are safe. Please......stay safe. If you are able to get counseling, that would help you deal with the trauma. Be gentle with yourself. You've been to he77 and back. It's now time to take care of yourself and your children.

gentle hugs

coffeedrinker

thank you for the update, 1988.

you are so young, and you have a big life ahead of you. you have a time of being a parent ahead of you. you can make the most of it.

there is much grieving to do, i think, for you. my wish for you is to enter into a relationship with a therapist who will help you to love and forgive yourself, and let go of those who have hurt you.

peace, sweetheart

ssj22

I have found for myself that the only way to defeat this demon is to follow the suggested steps. The 1st 3 steps are the most powerful...accepting being powerless, believing something other than myself can restore me to sanity, (from the craziness of the addict) and make a decision to let go. They are also the hardest but that is what this forum is all about. helping each other through our experience, strength and hope (which we will never get from the addict) to find a little peace from that demon...not allowing it to also destroy our lives.
It is Very hard for most of us to be selfish but you can't let this destroy you too! My wish for you is to find the strength to let go. There is power in that.

johndelko408

Hi July,
I'm an alcoholic and an addict and I can tell first hand that addiction brings the ugly out in all of us. During the course of my drinking and using I hurt my wife and kids in many ways; but I NEVER laid a hand on my wife. Don't feel bad for leaving him, thats the best decision that you could have made for you, your daughter and even for him. To stay in a relationship like that would not be healthy for you or your little one. Inevitably he would have probably killed you and you don't want your little girl growing thinking it's ok for a man to put his hands on a woman. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You made some mistakes by staying after the first time, but you eventually made the best choice for the innocents (you and your daughter). Always remember it wasn't your fault and thY it was completely out of your control. Addiction is a disease that will kill the addicted if they don't get treatment. I do hope for the sake of your daughter that he does get into recovery, but unless he truly wants to stop nobody can make him. You stay safe and take care of yourself and your daughter.

rose

So Glad to here from you 1988 and ever so glad to here that you have left a very scarey situation. It is understandable the emotions and feelings that you are having, living in such terror really takes its tole on a person and it is going to take sometime to get back to you again. My husband well ex now became a terrible physical and mental abuser, the drugs turned him into something so unreconizable and so unpredictable. Please make safety your NUMBER 1 issue! You have to know that you are not dealing with the person you once knew, you are dealing with a drug and we don't know what a drug is capable of doing. It is sad but true, when you look at him you have to think of him as one big drug, because this drug is controlling every part of him, even down to the way he walks, talks, sleeps...the drug is ruling his brain. Once I got it through to myself that this is the way it is, is when I really started to protect myself from him and made no hesitations to call the police and feel no remorse.
I was going to haven house, a place for battered woman to go, I was going for counsiling there, very intense, but they told me as hard as it was right now that eventually he wil go away, leave me alone, I will not be his main focus. So manythings can become of them, but if jail or death does not take them first they just go so far down into the drug world we become non existent to them. My husband did go to jail, several times he was in and out and each time he came out his was worse, as it didn't scare him, he would hook up with the hard cores in jail and learn how to be even a worse criminal. But they were right, he did go right into the drug world, has moved provinces and what he does now I don't know. For me he is not the last thought on my mind when I go to sleep at night nor the first thought on my mind when I wake. I no longer yearn for him, I know a day or so can go by and I haven't even thought of him. Through time I healed, moved on, made a knew life for myself. Though we do have 2 sons together, now in their early 20's, let me tell you there have been sometimes with them and it didn't leave me much time to dwell on my husband. Now I am on to another stage of life as the two boys have moved out. Shhh! I love it!

It does get better really, but all in time! Please please take safety serious, don't let him get away with an inch.

Rose

ZombieWife

Baby girl,

You are loved. See how beautiful you are and love yourself, okay?

Protect yourself and that child.

Getting help (therapy) does not make us lesser. It helps us see what's in front of our eyes sometimes. They are paid to HELP you. Let them.

(big hugs)

Time4Me1

PLEASE BE STRONG AND SHUT THE DOOR! IT WILL NOT CHANGE! HE CANT...HE CANT...HE CANT...AND YOU CANT MAKE HIM...YOUR LOVE AND COMPASSION WILL NOT MAKE HIM!!!! HE CANT AND WONT CHANGE.....SORRY BUT YOU(AND i) ARE NOT EVER GOING TO BE "WOMAN" ENOUGH TO SAVE THE SOULS OF ADDICTED MEN! WE ARE NOT REALLY ALL THAT SPECIAL....THEY JUST BRAINWASH US INTO THINKING THAT WE ARE..."WE ARE THE WOMEN OF THEIR DREAMS... THE ONES THEY CANT LIVE WITH OUT"...SOUND FAMILIAR??? PLEASE LEAVE!!

outtolunch

Not sure how his overdosing could have any impact on your daughter, given you have washed your hands of him. Is it possible that this perceived impact is really your own hopeful fantasy that some day, some how, he is going to just snap out of it and life will be wonderful, again?

You and my daughter are the same age and she too was born in July. Your own very healthy survival skills kicked in and you took action to protect yourself and child. I commend you for having the maturity to take yourself and child out of harn's way.

You are an adult and responsible for yourself and child. He's a dangereous psychopath and a criminal. What he does is beyond your control. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

1988July

John, I guess I kind of want to ask you, why? what makes this happen and at what point is your loved ones less important? I am not being rude to you take my tone as one who is confused and just asking for insight, like I said in other posts I have no idea about addiction. Going through this was like dropping me into Mexico and telling me to find my way out I haven't even stepped foot into a spanish class I would be so lost. So I only wonder where was the transission from a beer everyonce in a while to a full blown addiction and why the hatred toward me. He didn't start hitting me until the heroin. Now don't get me wrong he had hit his x's whether on heroin or not I have no idea. So this wasn't his first abusive relationship. But I don't understand it felt like it was over night one day we were out with friends the and everything was great and then it hit me like a hundred pounds of bricks and it flooded our life. The abuse the drugs it all came in full force and with no warning the last I checked we were happy and then the door slammed shut windows were locked and I was calling 911. I feel that I have moved away from this situation I am ok now emotionally, I don't know if it is from bottling it up and pushing it down as far as possible because I am very good at that. But I feel ok I have sperts and then i breath and focus and I seem to be ok. But there were so many things that coming from your stand point having been there before I would like to know. This girl she supplied him with it for the longest time, he swore that was all she was to him and even today he is so horrible to her he doesnt even call her by name but by dumb+++ or whatever else it is cheats on her and he already hits her as well, I feel like it was the heroin that put him with her not the drive to cheat on me, and his kids he left them behind like he had never met them before. Is this all normal. I guess what I am asking is in addition to the abuse when i left and still to this day I have no self esteem I feel like this girl was better then me, the heroin was and I mean it doesnt effect me anymore, I don't cry every night over it but i still have confidence issues and it would be nice to know from someone who was in his shoes that it wasnt me that I couldnt change anything, I don't mean to abuse your insight but like I said he is the only addict I know. Everyone here has made me so strong and they really have been my spine for me in guiding me to the right decissions, but these are things that could potentionally make my self worth a little better

1988July

Rose- I am so glad you were able to get out and be here, I yearn for the chance to speak to someone who has been thru the same thing and I take all you said to heart, I spoke to this women before she was in her 50's and said she had been through the same thing but when I started to open up to her it turned out I was more of a poster child for domestic assault to her my office soon found out and it was just so embarrassing I love support to be strong and I love the guidance, but alot of people who hadnt beent through it not saying all but alot see you as a helpless person and feel bad I just want reassurance and comradery with people who understand and everyone here is soo maazing


OuttoLunch-Not that his oding will affect her now and today. An no I can truelly say there is no personal fantasy anymore I have came to terms with that, but maybe yes a fantasy for her, for her to someday have a chance to be daddy's girl again and have a clean sober dad who actually knows her and cares maybe that fantasy.

johndelko408

No it wasn't your fault so don't blame yourself. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that it was the heroin that drove him to cheat or go to this girl. You say that she provided him with the stuff, so chances are she had affection for him and used the drug to pull him over. From my experience I realized that when in addiction the only thing you care about is getting your fix. It doesn't matter who you hurt in the process. In his mind the only thing that brings him satisfaction is that high. In the rooms I've heard addiction being compared to cancer. It's a disease that your born with in the inner workings of your DNA. It just takes some exposure to some chemical (in the case of addiction drugs) to bring it out. The difference is that people with cancer seek out treatment where as most of us drunks/addicts have to hit our bottom in order to seek it out. That's why I think people feel sorry for cancer patients and not drunks/addicts. So don't feel that his dealer girl is better, prettier or better company than you. He has his alterior motives for being with her. As for me, I still feel like crap for cheating on my wife. I wasn't sleeping with other women or carrying on an affair but it doesn't make me any less guilty. Flirting is cheatings ugly cousin and that's who i was messing with. Ican honestly tell you that I don't want to ever be with another women again if its not my wife, I'm still as much in love with her now as I was when I fell in love with her. Sober I know I only want her, but when I was drinking my mind was clouded and I lost sight of what and who i truly love. I thought I was having fun, I was building up my confidence when I didn't need to. I already had a beautiful, witty and living woman who would've been with me through thick and thin. I don't know if her and I will ever rekindle our love, believe me I pray everyday that that day will come. But I have to accept that I hurt her and broke her trust. Don't worry so much though, this to shall pass and life goes on. Your a woman and you are beautiful no matter what anyone says, men can't bring life into this world like women. You have a little girl, I'm sure you keep a picture of her in your purse/wallet, next time you're feeling down pull out her pic and just look at the wonderful beauty that you have been blessed with. Life is what we make it and yes you are in a rough point in your life, but I'm sure you are gonna make it through this.

1988July

Thankyou, that was very comforting. I guess I just needed to know. I won't be there when he finally gets to the point where you are. When he realizes he had a family at home and a good women that loved him. I simply can't and I don't know you but am proud of you for the strides you have made and wished he had that strength months and months ago when our love still had a chance. Thankyou so much for your insight it rested my heart a little, I hope things with your wife work out, maybe you guys can find a strand to hold onto and rebuild but as for me and him, there was alot of abuse that cant be taken back. I am glad you responded and really truelly feel a lttle more at rest

crazybabie

Thanks, July for asking John that question and Thanks, John for, responding. I also have wondered the same things but had noone to get insight from on the other side.

1988July

It makes things a little easier to understand when it is explained from an nonthreatening source thats been there. It did help alot, Thanks John

johndelko408

You know that's one the beautys of the 12 step programs. When I first got into recovery I can tell you that I didn't give a crap about anything accept getting myself together. Today it's different, i can tell you with complete honesty that I get joy out of helping my fellows. "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows"(BB 84). You ladies are definitely welcome. This subject really touches my heart because my old stepfather beat my mom. I felt so completely powerless over it and really wanted to kill him. They are both alkies as well and they use to get into drunken fights. But no matter what a man should never hit a woman. I mean if some random woman was beating my kids I think my sentiments might be different in that situation. But even so, there is always a different solution to subdue them until the police can be called. Otherwise no, men don't hit/beat women, only piece of crap cowards do that. I have a 4 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. My son will be raised to know its wrong for men to hit/beat women, as well as my baby girl. That there is no problem so extensive that it can't be resolved with words. If my daughter ever came home with a black eye or anything of that nature from a man. Oh...that punk better hope the cops get to him before I do. Sorry like I said this is a very touchy subject for me.

1988July

That is one of my biggest fears, that being in a home where domestic violence was as brutal as it was in ours that my children will carry it on. I too have a 4 year old son and my daughter is 1, I pray it wasnt impressionable enough to create a pattern because I myself do not even spank my children. To this day and for the rest of my life I have vowed and sworn to him and myself that if my precious little girl comes home bruised and beaten I will be taking it up with him (bf as well, but him for setting the curve) or if my son who now is beyond protective of any women ever puts his hands on his wife or girlfriend I will be taking it up with him and I won't be the weak defensless little girl he kicked when she was curled in a corner. That is my biggest fear, I had always been fine whatever you want to do to me fine but leave the kids alone, but not the babies, I dont want to look into my sons eyes in 20 years and see him nor do I want to look in my daughters eyes and see me.