My daughter's daddy the addict
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
My daughter's daddy the addict
Hi, I just signed up for this site. I need some valuable opinions on my situation. My husband is an oxy addict supposedly sober. We have a daughter together (prek). I had to leave him because it was a never ending battle of lies. He would say he was sober but my gut would tell me something else (my gut has always been accurate even though for the longest time I believed the lies). Now to present day. I am living alone with my daughter and still struggle with the fact that my family has been broken. It kills me! He will come over to visit about once a week. I don't like to deny him seeing his daughter or she her daddy. However I cannot tell you how many times he has dissappointed her. She is too young to tell me but I see it in her face... He may not see her for a week or so, when he does it starts out ok, then he will sit on the couch or even if we are in the car (I drive) and the 'nod' kicks in, the blowing the nose goes through me like fingers on a chalk board, the nose spray, the inhaler for his "asthma" the list goes on...
If I filled you in on all that I have been through I could write a novel. I have joked to people that I have a box office hit on my hands (almost mafia like!) But the fact is my family is not a unit and I don't know how to get over it. I would love more than anything to put it back together but I know that leaving was the best thing for me and my daughter.
My biggest dilema is this is my baby's daddy. I don't want to deny him to see her but I also want what is best for my baby. When she sees him she is happy. But she will say no I don't want daddy to come etc. Sometimes I think it is me pushing him on her. He does love her
He is still using (I am very convinced of it...I see the actions). Do I tell him he can't see her? He has never given recovery a chance (at all). He says he is sober and he is not like most (I am sure this sounds familiar.) He thinks he has every shrink figured out and says he did it on his own....(yet I found a bottle of oxycodone in his name from an out of state doctor in his bag) he said he needed it for his anxiety because he can't handle the fact that he is not with us. It is a vicious cycle. Do I have to live with the craziness the rest of my life because he is my daughters daddy? Do I protect her from it by telling him he can't see her until he goes into recovery and really proves he wants to be sober? I can ramble on. I just need some advice/opinions from out there. I feel like my life is on pause. When he looks good (like he is temporarily sober) I see the man I love and it hurts.
Do I exclude him from my daughter's life?
If I filled you in on all that I have been through I could write a novel. I have joked to people that I have a box office hit on my hands (almost mafia like!) But the fact is my family is not a unit and I don't know how to get over it. I would love more than anything to put it back together but I know that leaving was the best thing for me and my daughter.
My biggest dilema is this is my baby's daddy. I don't want to deny him to see her but I also want what is best for my baby. When she sees him she is happy. But she will say no I don't want daddy to come etc. Sometimes I think it is me pushing him on her. He does love her
He is still using (I am very convinced of it...I see the actions). Do I tell him he can't see her? He has never given recovery a chance (at all). He says he is sober and he is not like most (I am sure this sounds familiar.) He thinks he has every shrink figured out and says he did it on his own....(yet I found a bottle of oxycodone in his name from an out of state doctor in his bag) he said he needed it for his anxiety because he can't handle the fact that he is not with us. It is a vicious cycle. Do I have to live with the craziness the rest of my life because he is my daughters daddy? Do I protect her from it by telling him he can't see her until he goes into recovery and really proves he wants to be sober? I can ramble on. I just need some advice/opinions from out there. I feel like my life is on pause. When he looks good (like he is temporarily sober) I see the man I love and it hurts.
Do I exclude him from my daughter's life?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Firstly, Welcome. There is a ton of useful information here. Read what is posted above, you can also click on names and read our stories.
This stuck out to me... He says he is sober and he is not like most (I am sure this sounds familiar.) He thinks he has every shrink figured out and says he did it on his own....
This is my xah exactly. I've heard this word for word in fact... He may be her father, but he's not being her 'dad'. IMHO if he's not going to treat his dd right respectfully by being there fully in the moment, then you have no choice but to remove her from that situation. You don't say how old she is? Another option is instead of visits, maybe phone calls? I told my xah when he was not fully with it to just call the kids and let them know you're there. Just listen and let them ramble. That did wonders for them. They'd go on about soccer, the fair, school, sleepovers etc. They got their end out and that's what mattered for them and me.
Just because a 'family unit' is broken, doesn't mean that you should break the only family unit left standing (you and your dd) to fend for the fallen (her dad). You need to do what's BEST for your dd. If that means cutting her dad out, so be it. Surround her with love, care, family and the best male role models that you can muster. For me, it's been my dad, BIL, my uncles, my grandpa. I didn't choose this route by ANY means. But it is what it is and my kids come first.
Stick around, you'll learn alot and there are many who have walked before you.
This stuck out to me... He says he is sober and he is not like most (I am sure this sounds familiar.) He thinks he has every shrink figured out and says he did it on his own....
This is my xah exactly. I've heard this word for word in fact... He may be her father, but he's not being her 'dad'. IMHO if he's not going to treat his dd right respectfully by being there fully in the moment, then you have no choice but to remove her from that situation. You don't say how old she is? Another option is instead of visits, maybe phone calls? I told my xah when he was not fully with it to just call the kids and let them know you're there. Just listen and let them ramble. That did wonders for them. They'd go on about soccer, the fair, school, sleepovers etc. They got their end out and that's what mattered for them and me.
Just because a 'family unit' is broken, doesn't mean that you should break the only family unit left standing (you and your dd) to fend for the fallen (her dad). You need to do what's BEST for your dd. If that means cutting her dad out, so be it. Surround her with love, care, family and the best male role models that you can muster. For me, it's been my dad, BIL, my uncles, my grandpa. I didn't choose this route by ANY means. But it is what it is and my kids come first.
Stick around, you'll learn alot and there are many who have walked before you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
Thanks Callie and CO. I am glad I found this site. Right now am in the OMG state. Just reading the different threads. I am 2 years out but still "in". My daughter is 4. I left when she was 2. She has been really good the past few weeks (but her AD has not been around) I had him over today to visit...we will see how her week goes (moods etc). If he calls tomorrow to see her I am not going to let him. I need to end this vicious cycle. Never took it to court because I have the control. If he sees her it is supervised by me. But am I confusing her? Well I have to get bed. I will be reading more threads tomorrow. I am in complete awe right now just even reading one of your old threads Callie. Thanks to the two of you!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Maryland New York
Posts: 29
I know what you are going through because I am married to an addict, he has been in rehab and outpatient treatment and was doing good, he just relapsed. It didn't take me long to pick up on the fact that he was using I have told him that he needs to get back into treatment or he needs to leave. It is not what I want but, what I have to do he leaves me no choice. I want my family together but, when he is using he is a stranger to me. I think you would be putting your daughter in harms way if she was to see her father because he is not himself when he is using he is only thinking about when he is gonna get his next fix.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the beginning of healing here.
I wish I had a perfect answer to your question. I am the mother of an adult addicted son who is the father of a 4yr old boy. My grandson's mother is doing a wonderful job of raising their son with the help of her family. She allows visitation with me and my husband about once a month or so. We cherish the time we get to spend with our grandson.
She allowed my AS (addicted son) to see his son when our grandson was visiting us (which use to be weekly until some changes came about that ended that arrangement--she changed jobs). I would use my best judgement as to when it was appropriate for my AS to see his son and he would enjoy supervised (by me and my husband) time with his son. However, his addiction has escalated to the point now that my grandson's mother and I agree that it is not appropriate for my son to see his son until/unless he is clean and sober.
This is not a judgement against my AS so much as it is to protect the child. He loves his Daddy and we know that his Daddy loves him. But right now, my AS is in no condition to spend time with a child.....any child. He is toxic.
Of course my AS says that we are damaging his son by not letting him spend time with his Daddy and we'll be sorry for what we are doing. He doesn't GET IT. He doesn't understand that being a drug addict is damaging his son NOT us who are trying to protect the child from being exposed to a drug addict. But that's what drug addicts do......they blame everyone else for their circumstances rather than taking personal responsibility for it.
We do the best we can at the time.....it's all we can do. And quite honestly, we don't know what is the best thing in the long run but we're doing the best we can now.
I might suggest one thing for you, however, take whatever advice you get here with a grain of salt. Remember that no one knows your full story like you do and some may provide advice with only the small fraction of information that you provide. They mean well (and may be right who knows) but they may not have enough information to provide appropriate advice for your situation. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Take care of yourself and your sweet daughter.
gentle hugs
I wish I had a perfect answer to your question. I am the mother of an adult addicted son who is the father of a 4yr old boy. My grandson's mother is doing a wonderful job of raising their son with the help of her family. She allows visitation with me and my husband about once a month or so. We cherish the time we get to spend with our grandson.
She allowed my AS (addicted son) to see his son when our grandson was visiting us (which use to be weekly until some changes came about that ended that arrangement--she changed jobs). I would use my best judgement as to when it was appropriate for my AS to see his son and he would enjoy supervised (by me and my husband) time with his son. However, his addiction has escalated to the point now that my grandson's mother and I agree that it is not appropriate for my son to see his son until/unless he is clean and sober.
This is not a judgement against my AS so much as it is to protect the child. He loves his Daddy and we know that his Daddy loves him. But right now, my AS is in no condition to spend time with a child.....any child. He is toxic.
Of course my AS says that we are damaging his son by not letting him spend time with his Daddy and we'll be sorry for what we are doing. He doesn't GET IT. He doesn't understand that being a drug addict is damaging his son NOT us who are trying to protect the child from being exposed to a drug addict. But that's what drug addicts do......they blame everyone else for their circumstances rather than taking personal responsibility for it.
We do the best we can at the time.....it's all we can do. And quite honestly, we don't know what is the best thing in the long run but we're doing the best we can now.
I might suggest one thing for you, however, take whatever advice you get here with a grain of salt. Remember that no one knows your full story like you do and some may provide advice with only the small fraction of information that you provide. They mean well (and may be right who knows) but they may not have enough information to provide appropriate advice for your situation. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Take care of yourself and your sweet daughter.
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
Thank you so much for the input! I really appreciate it. I go through moments when I doubt myself. The AH can make feel like I am losing my mind sometimes even when I know I am in the right. I feel very grateful that I found this site!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My niece used to wait in the window for her dad to visit and it chrushed her spirit and she has not gotten over it. She is 39, now.
Children have this way of blaming themselves for not being good enough when the visiting parent is not present, engaged or is a no show and it's this kind of stuff that often sticks with a person for their entire life.
My niece's bio dad was an immature and selfish jerk- no drugs involved.
I agree with Cynical One on this. Let the courts decide child support and visitation. If he has $ for dope, he has $ to support her.
I would not let anyone in active addiction/alcoholism near my child, ever.
Children have this way of blaming themselves for not being good enough when the visiting parent is not present, engaged or is a no show and it's this kind of stuff that often sticks with a person for their entire life.
My niece's bio dad was an immature and selfish jerk- no drugs involved.
I agree with Cynical One on this. Let the courts decide child support and visitation. If he has $ for dope, he has $ to support her.
I would not let anyone in active addiction/alcoholism near my child, ever.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Crapola...I wrote a long response but it got eaten up.
Take 2:
Hi Whattodo, I'm crashing in from the F&F of Alcoholics to tell you my little story.
I'm the lucky mom to a 26 month old toddler. I left her father when she was 14 months old. At first, I tried to give him 2 visits a week because I was trying "to be fair" and gave into his pressure about my daughter needing to see her father. I did 1 evening a week and 1 week-end afternoon. It didn't take long before XAH flaked out of the evening visits. I think it got into the way of his drinking. I continued to give him one supervised afternoon visit on week-ends for a long while. Can I tell you how tedious it got to have to KEEP being the booze/drug police even though we were no longer together? I was constantly sniffing the air for the smell of booze, checking for signs of empties or whatnot. I once surprised his teenage son, my former stepson, sneaking out the way stairway to go dump out a bin full of empties cans and bottles of Jack, no doubt to get rid of them before I arrived.
After a while, I was told by my lawyer that I had no grounds for not giving XAH unsupervised visitation, so I gave in. Almost every time, my baby was returned to me hungry, dirty, unchanged, and once, covered in blood. There was always some vague excuse. "Oh she fell", "Oh i didn't know I had to change the pee soaked diaper", "oh she didn't seem hungry when I had her", "no no, I swear I'm not drinking when she's with me", "no, that's not empty foil of sleeping pills on the dresser"...
I took the unpopular route, "illegal" some might say, by denying him visitation granted to him by our daughter. I think she deserves to grow up away from his madness and toxicity. She has asked about daddy once or twice, and I asked that he was sick and couldn't be with us. That response will have to do for now, but I assume I'll have to explain eventually about alcoholic and drug use.
I wonder if, in your situation, there wouldn't be a way for you to have the burden of supervision lifted from your shoulders. There are centers that exist to grant supervised visitation to parents. If you were to go to court, you could request that visitation take place in one of these centers and that your ex pay the fees required. I think it wouldn't take very long before he'd flake out.
Take 2:
Hi Whattodo, I'm crashing in from the F&F of Alcoholics to tell you my little story.
I'm the lucky mom to a 26 month old toddler. I left her father when she was 14 months old. At first, I tried to give him 2 visits a week because I was trying "to be fair" and gave into his pressure about my daughter needing to see her father. I did 1 evening a week and 1 week-end afternoon. It didn't take long before XAH flaked out of the evening visits. I think it got into the way of his drinking. I continued to give him one supervised afternoon visit on week-ends for a long while. Can I tell you how tedious it got to have to KEEP being the booze/drug police even though we were no longer together? I was constantly sniffing the air for the smell of booze, checking for signs of empties or whatnot. I once surprised his teenage son, my former stepson, sneaking out the way stairway to go dump out a bin full of empties cans and bottles of Jack, no doubt to get rid of them before I arrived.
After a while, I was told by my lawyer that I had no grounds for not giving XAH unsupervised visitation, so I gave in. Almost every time, my baby was returned to me hungry, dirty, unchanged, and once, covered in blood. There was always some vague excuse. "Oh she fell", "Oh i didn't know I had to change the pee soaked diaper", "oh she didn't seem hungry when I had her", "no no, I swear I'm not drinking when she's with me", "no, that's not empty foil of sleeping pills on the dresser"...
I took the unpopular route, "illegal" some might say, by denying him visitation granted to him by our daughter. I think she deserves to grow up away from his madness and toxicity. She has asked about daddy once or twice, and I asked that he was sick and couldn't be with us. That response will have to do for now, but I assume I'll have to explain eventually about alcoholic and drug use.
I wonder if, in your situation, there wouldn't be a way for you to have the burden of supervision lifted from your shoulders. There are centers that exist to grant supervised visitation to parents. If you were to go to court, you could request that visitation take place in one of these centers and that your ex pay the fees required. I think it wouldn't take very long before he'd flake out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
thanks nodaybut2day. I too just wrote a long reply and just lost it. I agree with your "unpopular" route. That was what I was planning on doing today. Telling him he cannot see her until he is clean. I cannot subject her anymore to her father who isn't there even when he is there... of course his mom just called a little while ago to tell me he is up at the ER....the sad thing is I no longer have any sympathy for him...how bad is that. I am so fed up with the toxicity and craziness that this one individual causes! Just Sunday and he had said how about pizza tomorrow night...my daughter said 'I don't want dad to come'. This has not been the first time. She is smarter than her age. I know she knows something if not right with her dad even though she loves him. I do not go the legal route because I don't trust it. As far as support is concerned, I believe the saying you can't draw blood from a stone would apply here. I would rather have him out of our lives without a penny than have support and the nightmares that come along with it. This week I have no patience, no tolerance for the addict. He disrupts so much around him. I cannot tolerate it anymore.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by WHATTODO2 
As far as support is concerned, I believe the saying you can't draw blood from a stone would apply here. I would rather have him out of our lives without a penny than have support and the nightmares that come along with it.
Alternately, you can still allow contact with your daughter's grandmother, who seems to be on the same page as you regarding her son. I too am still in contact with my X-MIL, and though she lives in another country, we're both in total agreement that my daughter deserves to grow up NOT knowing her father, because he's such a toxic and delusional individual.
As for not having anymore sympathy for him, it *is* sad, but it's not surprising considering what he's put you through. I think the reason I was able to leave my XAH so quickly was that all the feelings I had for him were already gone, after years of babysitting, hand-holding, ego boosting, addiction managing, lying, manipulation, etc etc. There was anything left of us to leave behind, except resentment and anger.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Yeah, oxys aren't prescribed for anxiety. I am assuming you knew that was B**sh**....He is clearly still using. Your daughter seems to be telling you what she needs.I would listen to her.His recent ER visit (if drug related) could help you w/custody.
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