bigisland

Hello, everyone!

Thanks for all of your support this past week since I discovered and joined SR. I have been writing about my situation and associated feelings. A quick summary is that I'm in a relationship with a "recovering" heroin addict. I use quotes, as I'm not sure what his idea of recovery is. Up until earlier this week, he was still using off and on. He then attended a couple of meetings and took a couple Suboxone. I shared earlier this past week that he was supposed to be checking into rehab (for the 4th time, he left the prior 3 rehabs prematurely) tomorrow morning. He's had about a dozen different ideas this week as to whether he should go to rehab, move to be with me, wait to do anything until after a music festival he wants to go to, etc. He has been bouncing all over the place and I had to create my boundaries and enforce them. I am learning to be more assertive and grow a backbone. Of course I told him he should stick with the original plan of going to rehab, but he seems to think he's in the less than 1% of people who can successfully kick heroin on his own (using tools from his 3 partial rehab stays, connecting with his sponsor(s) and going to meetings-- he's been to 2 in about 4-5 months).

Frankly, I am exhausted and felt as if I couldn't continue going on like this. I talked to him on the phone last night and I was questioning what he was under the influence of (his speech sounded fishy). His dad had given him some cash Friday night to use at a football game he went to yesterday and then mysteriously he disappeared for an hour to "get dinner by himself" last night and then sounded under the influence of something more than weed last night on the phone. Maybe I am wrong in accusing him, but he can't be trusted.

I broke up with him last night. I told him he should continue with the plan of going to rehab and that I did not want him coming here to stay with me (I live about 1500 miles away). It's just another way for him to run away and not do the right thing and I won't enable that. He was fairly unemotional on the phone last night, which I will relate to his seemingly altered state of mind. He thanked me for everything i've done for him and told me he loved me before we hung up at 3am this morning.

I text him just a little while ago to be sure he is ok and his response (a direct quote) was, "Well for one you broke up with me at prob the worst time to break up with a drug addict so it shows you really don't give a sh** about my well being." I thought how dare him after all I've sacrificed and how much of my time, life, emotions, heart, etc I've given up for him and this addiction. My mom reminded me that no matter what, he would blame me and play the victim role. I know she is right, yet I feel underappreciated and taken advantage of.

I am so sick of my friend's responses being "he's not your responsibility." Obviously I realize that if I am making the decision to leave him. However, it doesn't lessen the profound effect that his addiction has on my life because of my internal worry that I will receive a call from his family telling me that he is dead. I guess time will heal the wound and lessen my worry about this, even though I'm sure it will still be there. I try to tell my friends that regardless of whether someone feels "responsible," the effect of a possible OD on a loved one is profound.

Thanks for listening. I thought some of you who have been in this position position to have to detach from the addict may be able to share some words of wisdom and comfort.



Hugs to all,
S

dollydo

To me, there is no worse time to break up with an addict...no matter when it is, the addict will claim it is a bad time.

My exabf never appreciated anything I did for him. He always wanted more, he had a sense of entitlement unlike anyone I have ever seen in my life.

Do what is best for you, that is the answer.

bigisland

Dollydo,

You are absolutely right, no matter when.. it's the worst time:

If you do it while they are using- they will say that you don't care and you are abandoning them and don't care what happens to them.

If you do it as they are going through the initial stages of quitting or going through withdrawals - you certainly don't care because they need you and you are leaving them out in the cold with no support for their self-perceived admirable decision.

If you wait until they are in rehab - you certainly don't care whether they make progress in rehab and work towards getting better.

If you wait until after rehab - you don't care if they relapse.

Case in point, as you said, any time is the worst time to break up with an addict.

I don't think that my xbf has a sense of entitlement necessarily but he is impossible to communicate with. He certainly has learned tools of manipulation, whether directly or not, to keep you where he needs you so he is not alone and without loving, immediate support from someone other than mommy or daddy. It is definitely all about him. If he isn't in the mood to get in a discussion or he doesn't want to hear the truth, he will storm out. If he's having a "bad day," he doesn't want to hear it. He is so volatile, emotionally.

I do believe I have done what is best for my life. If he won't let me be there for him, then I can not accept any perceived blame on his part for me not being there! I haven't heard from him in a few hours, so I am holding my breath, waiting for a dreaded call that he's done something detrimental and irreversable with his life. His mom said she had found a suicide letter not too long ago. I will need to remind myself of all this if something happens, it did not happen because of me. I am a free spirit and smile all the time. I am one of the happiest people I know. He will not take that from me. Like my therapist said, accept no responsibility for any outcome because no matter what happens, he was looking for an excuse to do it.

suki44883

You ARE under appreciated and taken advantage of. That is what addicts do! YAY you for "breaking up" with him, but now you need to just back off and go no contact. Your friend is right that he is not your responsibility. He never was. He will do whatever he wants to do, but you do not have to know about it. Calling to see if he is okay just keeps you upset and worried. What is the point of breaking up with him if you are still in the middle of the mess?

Yes, no contact is hard and you will be tempted to call him because he is YOUR drug. If you expect him to get clean, then you need to work the same program and get yourself clean from him.

Hang in there. It'll get better but it will take time. Ripping the scab off the wound only makes it take longer to heal.

NightandDay

hi bigisland,

i'm sorry you are going through this. i know it really hurts. i don't know that much about your story, but have you considered al-anon or nar-anon? you will get a lot of support there and help healing yourself. just because you broke up doesn't mean it magically gets better. . . i know you know that. you really do need to heal yourself--being with an addict is is toxic and harmful.

hugs to you sweetie.

summer017

You are a mountain of strength. Ending the relationship and putting your foot down, is the first step to feeling better about yourself, your wants/needs and your life. So Congrats! It feels horrible now but it will get better. Better in a way that it never would have if you had continued with your relationship with an addictive addict. He's going to a couple meetings, he took a couple suboxone, this does not sound like he's very serious about recovery. My ex is a OC/Heroin addict and it takes a heck of a lot more than that to kick such horrible drugs.
Im sorry that although you were reaching out, trying to maintain any sort of respect and communication with him, he completely turned it around on you. Unfortuately, you will need to know and believe in your heart that you have and will continue to do the best thing for you. You have done all that you can and with that piece of mind you can find peace in your heart. Time will definitely be your healer. You will have good, bad and horrible days, but you will make it through them all and you will come out stronger than you have ever been. I know this because I have been there, I am still learning and each day is getting better and better, and they will for you too.
My friends got so sick of hearing about my ex, how sad I was, yada yada yada, but it's only because they love us and want whats best for us. Trying to find consoling words in a situation like this are very difficult, esp if you have no experience loving an addict.

I am so glad you are here. You will find so much support here and you will find that you have the strength to overcome this. One day you will be able to look back and be grateful for the life you have and what you have learned about yourself. Focus on loving yourself and your happiness.

xoxo
Keep posting and keep reading

HopeHEALS

I am going through the exact same thing. I ended things with my exabf also. Problem is, in the past I've always taken him back. he almost expects it to happen. he says the same things that always worked in the past, gives me false ope etc. Those are all words. I have not seen him take any action to recover except go to the methadone clinic, which in my opinion is not getting clean. Its a band-aid to cover the problem that he refuses to acknowledge.
he has used every manipulation in the book and in the past it has worked. I now realize that I can't enable him anymore and in I have become addicted to him. Every time i break up with him. I end up contacting him to see if hes OK. I end up calling his family to see if anyone has heard from him, then I end up talking to him and he ends up coming here to shower, eat , talk etc. and the cycle continues.
I've just recently began taking a stand and focusing on what I need, I'm having trouble functioning and doing what I need to do for myself ( going to work etc). I feel like he is my drug and i'm having withdrawals. I am trying to not give in and call him or invite him here, or just call to see how he is. he also planted the guilt in my head and uses lines like, being lost without me and just wants to end the pain once and for all ( kill himself). he plays on my weakness, int he fact that I do love him and up until his recent relapse we were living together and planning a future. This is soooo hard. This site has been helping me. I read the articles and I know I'm not alone. Thank you all :-)

steve1840

big island and hope heals-

just so you do not feel alone, i am in the same boat w my gf. be thankful at least that you have gotten as far as you have in initiating the break up. i have not gotten to that place yet, but i am getting stronger and getting there. things keep getting prolonged, either by her or the system. i am trying to give myself this week to detach if i have to. she will have opportunities this week, such as an interview tomorrow to get into detox to go to rehab. i do not know if they can take her right away.

i want my life back and so do you. but right now i am still not atthe place to make that happen. you have taken great steps to get clsoe to that and in time i hope you find it again. but everyone here has either gone through it or are in it now.

HopeHEALS

Steve,
Thank you for the kind words. I was in the same scenario as you, his insurance wouldn't pay for rehab, the rehab the detox hospital offered was a hospital setting and he couldn't take it, Outpatient didn't help him or fit his schedule etc etc. I got tired of trying harder then him, to get him help. I got tired of it all but mostly I got tired of the way I felt and the person I was becoming.
He may say he disagrees but i feel that my decision to detach is helping him to find the strength he needs in himself to get through this, or to keep messing up, on his own and hopefully find the strength. It's out of my hands and I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Now I am just struggling with the loss and missing him, also the feeling of guilt that I abandoned him, but I have to save myself. I hope your gf gets the help she needs and you find the strength you need. HUGS

zayra77

wow i feel like i should be doing the same, i really want to get on with my life and worry about myself instead of worrying about my abf all the time....

HopeHEALS

Zayra, if you really want it, then put all that worrying about him energy, into worrying about yourself.
For me the biggest obstacle was learning how to let go. i think I was more scared of the fact that if I did let him go, he might just keep going and never come back. That i would lose him to the drug, or to someone addict girl or that he would just feel that I abandoned him and do something stupid, or that he would just walk away because I was of no use to him anymore. It was more about my selfish reasons. Time to quit focusing on his problems and start focusing on mine. Becoming co-dependant and an enabler is like detoxing from a drug. Good Luck :-)

lovechild

hey guys i am going thru the same thing you are...it is so hard not to answer the phone when he calls. I feel so guilty for kicking him out yet i know thta is the best thing for him and me. I am working very hard to put my life back togehter - i am litterly making myself do things not only work wise but getting to the gym or hooking up with my old friends to go out and have fun. I know not only i need to be around laugther for a change but also if he knows i am going out he won't want me back.
someone said to me today: Get of your cross - we need the wood!! made me laugh and made me think i do have a life to live - it does not end with him.

Kindeyes

I'm amazed at the amount of guilt that an addict can dole out to everyone around them. Everyone ELSE is responsible for what they do and how they feel. They aren't able to take responsibility.....the addiction won't let them.

You are taking very positive steps for yourself. You are taking care of you and allowing him to be responsible for himself. And that's ok. No one wants to be held emotional hostage by threats of suicide or being blamed for the addiction. They will use our love for them as a weapon against us if we allow it.

You're doing ok. (And don't let his parents guilt you either......)

gentle hugs

lightseeker

the thought that comes to mind is that addicts don't have relationships - they take hostages.

Unfortunately, the chains that hold us down are the ones we put the locks on ourselves.

LollipopDreams

Hi everyone. This is my first post here, but I probably read articles or threads on this site over the past few weeks (or months? It's all a blur really) while I was researching addiction and codependency. I'm not really sure where to begin, but I have a lot to say. Please bear with me!
A little over three years ago, I met my ex for the first time. We were getting to know each other just as friends for weeks, and eventually that blossomed into a relationship. In the beginning he was honest with me (to what extent, I'm not sure anymore), and he told me he was a recovering heroin addict. He took two Subutex every week to help him, and I was really proud of him for prioritizing his recovery. Within months, I was sure this was going to be the man I married. We moved into our first apartment, and he had shared custody of his two boys. It was a really happy home.
That summer, his ex-wife and her boyfriend were involved in a domestic dispute, and this sparked a hellish battle with CPS. During this time, I started to see cracks in his exterior, so to speak. I knew this was a delicate time, and I supported him throughout the ordeal. Eventually, both biological parents were required to take two to three supervised drug tests every week, and he was no longer permitted to use Subutex. This terrified me. While the case was going on, he was driven to stay sober and do what was best for the kids. However, in a quick and cruel twist of fate, the boyfriend (who was the initial aggressor) was dropped from the case and sent to prison, and my ex went from being the expected sole custodian to being labelled as legally neglectful for not being there at the time (he was at work when the incident occurred and was not notified until after the boys had already been taken into CPS custody). He essentially went from being viewed as a superhero to being a criminal. It's still really confusing and dizzying to this day. Ultimately, the children were returned to their mother, who was and still is an active addict, on the condition that neither she nor the children had any contact with her boyfriend whatsoever.
As expected, within a few months of the case resolution, she did not want the responsibility of being a full-time parent on her own, and she continued right where she left off with the men and the drugs. Luckily, she recognized that she was not fit to take care of the boys, and she gave them to us before disappearing for months. We were back to being a happy home. The kids were going to the elementary school down the street, they had a set routine that they were comfortable with and flourishing in, they were making new friends, and they were learning more information and faster without the stress in their mother's home. My ex was happy as well, and it was obvious that being a good father that raised two well-rounded young men was his top priority, right along with maintaining his recovery. He had even gone through the court system who granted him temporary guardianship of the children while his ex-wife "went to treatment". The decision was reached with the condition of no contact still in place.
One night toward the end of the summer, there was a knock at the door. It was really odd because it was later in the evening, and we never had visitors that late. It was the sheriff, and he informed us that his ex-wife had violated the terms; she had been talking to her boyfriend and sending him money on a regular basis since before the initial case was even closed. She chose a man over her children, and they were immediately taken from us. We all had about ten minutes to say goodbye. That day was the last time I saw the man I had fallen in love with, but we would stay together for another year.
I watched him like a hawk, but he always found a way to use and cover it up. I was manipulated into believing he was going to counseling and meetings and the like, but I later found out he never went to one meeting or appointment. He would sit in his car in the parking lot and use meth until it was time for him to leave. The next nine or ten months, from his side, were filled with lies, manipulations, cheating, mental and emotional violence that would eventually lead to physical altercations. From my side, there was fear, pleading, depression, enough tears to fill the Nile, but still I had hope and tried to support him and encourage him to seek help. Eventually, it degraded into anger from both sides, arguments that would turn to screaming matches on a daily basis, etc. I was naive, and I was in love. I became an enabler without realizing it. Eventually, I kicked him out of the house to live with his mother, and it was only then that I could think clearly. We were still in contact, still fighting every day, but I could handle myself better. I stopped letting myself be pulled into deflective arguments and compromising my own morals for him. I stopped being his verbal punching bag (the physical violence actually stopped once he left as well) and started remembering what I deserved as a human being. Once he realized I was coming to my senses and his manipulations were wearing thin on me, he started to tell me he was going to kill himself when I would try to end the relationship. I knew it wasn't healthy and so did he, but he could have someone to take care of him if I was still willing to be in the unhealthy relationship. I knew it, but I fell into the trap over and over again. I was miserable, and honestly, I had thought about suicide myself a few times. It felt like there really was no escape; I felt like he had consumed me. I had to change my phone number four times and find a new job, but he kept finding me. He would show up or call me out of nowhere, and I would allow myself to be pulled right back in by either the threats of suicide or the empty promises of change.
Last week, I had ended the relationship for good. The last straw was when he had thrown me into an anxiety attack because his suicidal threats had gotten so much more vicious. When I showed up (like he knew I would because I had every time), he laughed in my face and berated me. For the first time, I turned and walked away from him. I got back in my car, and I drove home. I haven't spoken to him since. I am mentally stronger now than I was even just a few weeks ago, and I refuse to go back to him. I made sure there was virtually no way he could contact me and throw me back into that life, at least for long enough to let me heal myself for a while. He is very computer-savvy, and I think eventually he will find a way to literally bombard me with messages or phone calls again. I want to be stronger for when that does happen.
Truthfully, right now I feel so vulnerable. I feel so raw and warped. I don't want to be with him, but my thoughts are always on him. I am still consumed. It takes a conscious effort to change my train of thought all the time, and I am exhausted from the last year and the effort and strain. I feel mentally weak, and I am afraid of what will happen when I am contacted by him again. I feel so guilty, like I abandoned him; logically, I know that's not true, but my emotions are strong and fierce. I tried to get him to go to treatment until I was blue in the face, but he will not go. He told me that he does not want to go to rehab, and that was the first true thing that has come out of his mouth in months. I know I cannot help him, and I can only help myself. I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. My heart breaks not just for the relationship, but his children are now without their mother and father. Their parents are both active addicts who have no intentions of seeking help. I know my ex thinks they are better off without him, and that is a rationalization he holds onto. Nothing anyone can say or do will break that; we've tried.
Right now, at this moment, I am so lost. I feel like I've been scattered into a million little pieces in all different directions, and I'm afraid for the future. I am afraid of being so mentally unwell that I will never be able to have a successful relationship with someone who deserves it. I am afraid that my self-image and self-worth have dropped so low that I will continuously pick abusive partners. I am afraid that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship ever again. I honestly did not think I was going to make it out of that situation alive, and now I'm afraid that I will never be really okay again.
Where do I go from here? What is a good step to take? I have a support system, but no one around me has ever gone through something like that and chose to walk away rather than become addicts themselves. Regardless, whether they can relate to what I'm going through or not, I know that I have people in my life who truly love me and genuinely will be there for me. I just don't know how to pick myself back up, and I really need some help. Where do I start? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

LollipopDreams

Thank you for sharing this! Your post especially hit close to home for me, and you are absolutely right! We are not alone! I know it is hard, truly I'd consider it to be one of the hardest situations I have ever personally been in, but leaving him is the right path to take. Taking care of ourselves has been a mere afterthought, and it's time to make yourself a priority instead of him and his addiction. You made the choice to begin your own healing process, and you did that knowing it was the best choice for you. His healing and his choices are his to make and be held accountable for, NOT yours! You got this!

suki44883

Welcome to SR, LollipopDreams. You have posted on an 8 year old thread. It would be best if you started a thread on your own. You will find a lot of support here.