nothing much to say
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
nothing much to say
today has been an up and down day. i have to say i understand those who may be getting frustrated with my not getting it. heck- i am frustrated too. but slowly i am, maybe not turning the corner, but at least peaking at what is around the corner.
i ask myself why i am not able to let go and i realize it is the circumstance. i think if she still had a job and a place and was using, i would have an easier time letting go, but because she is homeless in a bad area i worry more.
i wonder at times if she thinks of me throughout the day. maybe it doesn't matter, but i think she may. i know now that i cannot do much of anything for her and it pains me seeing her slip further inot the life. however, i am keeping faith that she will find the strength to get out.
as i mentioned at some point, i too have had addiction issues having led at time the rock star- sex, drugs, and rock and roll life styler without the rock star money. i have bee nable to put that down for a while now. last night i had a dream about getting high. i was aware of the dream as it was happening and saw how the dream was putting the idea of doing it in my head. it's been months and months since i have done anything, and for even longer it was nothing hard. no woriies though, i am not going to do anything, it was just interesting to me that the thought came up out of nowhere.
as anvil and others have said, she is my drug and as i type this my insides are twisted picturing where she is, how she is, and who she is surrounded by. i dont know if my strength was in standing by her for so long, or if that was a weakness. maybe a littel of both.
what i do know is that i still cannot shake the desire to see her and spend soemtime together, knowing that it is not quality time. the problem may be that she is only like 10 minutes from me, a world apart, but only ten minutes. its too easy for me.
i am not there yet. maybe i wont ever be completely, but i will get there, or at least closer as time goes on.
i've been around the drug sets enough and met enough of the people out there and what fascinates me is the amount of people who tell her to get out. the dealers and the soldier, the users etc. i see the people out there who have been there a long long time and they seem so totally beaten and lost and she comes in all clean and nice to everyone. i hate to use the analogy, but imagine your sweet pet lost on the streets of 1970s nyc. thats how i feel sometimes. i am sure you all have felt that all you want is for them to just come home and be better.
i ask myself why i am not able to let go and i realize it is the circumstance. i think if she still had a job and a place and was using, i would have an easier time letting go, but because she is homeless in a bad area i worry more.
i wonder at times if she thinks of me throughout the day. maybe it doesn't matter, but i think she may. i know now that i cannot do much of anything for her and it pains me seeing her slip further inot the life. however, i am keeping faith that she will find the strength to get out.
as i mentioned at some point, i too have had addiction issues having led at time the rock star- sex, drugs, and rock and roll life styler without the rock star money. i have bee nable to put that down for a while now. last night i had a dream about getting high. i was aware of the dream as it was happening and saw how the dream was putting the idea of doing it in my head. it's been months and months since i have done anything, and for even longer it was nothing hard. no woriies though, i am not going to do anything, it was just interesting to me that the thought came up out of nowhere.
as anvil and others have said, she is my drug and as i type this my insides are twisted picturing where she is, how she is, and who she is surrounded by. i dont know if my strength was in standing by her for so long, or if that was a weakness. maybe a littel of both.
what i do know is that i still cannot shake the desire to see her and spend soemtime together, knowing that it is not quality time. the problem may be that she is only like 10 minutes from me, a world apart, but only ten minutes. its too easy for me.
i am not there yet. maybe i wont ever be completely, but i will get there, or at least closer as time goes on.
i've been around the drug sets enough and met enough of the people out there and what fascinates me is the amount of people who tell her to get out. the dealers and the soldier, the users etc. i see the people out there who have been there a long long time and they seem so totally beaten and lost and she comes in all clean and nice to everyone. i hate to use the analogy, but imagine your sweet pet lost on the streets of 1970s nyc. thats how i feel sometimes. i am sure you all have felt that all you want is for them to just come home and be better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sounds like you just don't want recovery right now Steve. That can be your choice. When you are ready, you will chase recovery as hard and as desperately as you are chasing her. You have to really want it. You have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. You'll know when you are there. In the meantime try to enjoy your choices. And be careful... the life of a desperate drug addict chaser is a lonely one and can be dangerous.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Have any vacation time? If so, why not take a week and go somewhere away from her?
Maybe that will help you turn the corner....and, I almost forgot....turn off your phone.
We are in your corner, we want you to be happy and at peace.
Maybe that will help you turn the corner....and, I almost forgot....turn off your phone.
We are in your corner, we want you to be happy and at peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i AM going to get there. i WANT to get there and i WILL.
vacation sound great, but between her and some sickness inthe family, i hae spent my vacation time and money. BUT a long weekend is coming just around the corner doing what i love to do- find abandoned factories, hospitals, asylums etc and take pictures. i havehad an area in mindfor a while and will be going in a week or two.
vacation sound great, but between her and some sickness inthe family, i hae spent my vacation time and money. BUT a long weekend is coming just around the corner doing what i love to do- find abandoned factories, hospitals, asylums etc and take pictures. i havehad an area in mindfor a while and will be going in a week or two.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
you won't be out trolling for addicts, will you?, on this vacation? 
If you were a cartoon character, who would it be?
I have a particular attachment to Charlie Brown...he keeps believing Lucy and every damned time she yanks the football.
I just have to remember that......if I kick, I am going to fall on my head.
If you were a cartoon character, who would it be?
I have a particular attachment to Charlie Brown...he keeps believing Lucy and every damned time she yanks the football.
I just have to remember that......if I kick, I am going to fall on my head.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
steve, my husband is living less than 1/2 mile up the street from me, in a small apt. over a deli. we have a home together. he sleeps on a couch. he lost his job, he has barely any clothes, he has no money, he lost our family and friends. he doesnt leave the apt. the couple he lives with are low lives. I have to drive by there every single day (main road in town) and it breaks my heart knowing he is living that way. I would get angry, would want to go there and pull him out and tell him please please go to rehab, get your life back. But I cant. it wont work! it took me a long time to step back and take control of myself and have learned I cant control his addiction. (thanks to this forum)I too tried many things to help him, I beat myself up over it..literally beat myself up, didnt eat, didnt sleep, thought of him 24/7 but in time I learned to change ME. I still have bad days, but I also have found peace and at times happiness again. people tell me everyday how far I have come. I fear for his life just like others on here fear for their addicts, but the truth is, the addict is the one who wants to get help. there is one thing I would tell family members who lost loved ones to cancer when I was ill, please dont let their illness take your life too..and that goes for addiction as well, like many disease our loved ones may have, we also have to live some sort of normal life, we need to take care of ourselves during trying times. so please try, try ,try each day steve to change YOU, even if its baby steps at first, but get some normalcy and happiness and peace in your life, then you will see it does get better for YOU.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like a plan, why don't you post some of your pics here...I know that I would enjoy them!
Do you take black n white or color?
I too know that you will get there, of coarse the sooner the better, for you.
Do you take black n white or color?
I too know that you will get there, of coarse the sooner the better, for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Steve)) when I first learned about codependency, YEARS ago, I bought the "codependent no more book" and wore out ONE copy (reading, highlighting, underlining, etc.) and bought another one. I still stayed in the totally dysfunctional relationship I was in, developed my own addiction, and found 2 MORE guys to be codie to.
Though it didn't feel like it, at the time, I guess I'm lucky that I wanted recovery (from my addiction) bad enough that I HAD to get away from the XABF. I came here, and was drawn to this forum. I lurked, for more than a year, before ever signing on.
I knew what I wanted (not to be in any more messed-up relationships with A's or any other major issues) but not how to get there. I read, and read, and I saw people with what I wanted...serenity, the ability to live their lives, no matter WHAT anyone else did.
I had to get miserable, enough, to start taking steps. You may not be there, yet, but you're trying and that's a good thing
I know I read the same things, over and over and over, but one day they just "clicked"...not all at one time, but tiny little baby steps.
I still get some gentle whacks upside the head, when friends see me slipping back into my old ways. The good thing about that is, knowing people care enough to point it out.
We ARE in your corner, and I do believe you'll get there, but it's going to be in your time. Personally, I'd love to save you all the pain, but pain is what got ME to where I am, so I guess that's not such a good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Though it didn't feel like it, at the time, I guess I'm lucky that I wanted recovery (from my addiction) bad enough that I HAD to get away from the XABF. I came here, and was drawn to this forum. I lurked, for more than a year, before ever signing on.
I knew what I wanted (not to be in any more messed-up relationships with A's or any other major issues) but not how to get there. I read, and read, and I saw people with what I wanted...serenity, the ability to live their lives, no matter WHAT anyone else did.
I had to get miserable, enough, to start taking steps. You may not be there, yet, but you're trying and that's a good thing
I know I read the same things, over and over and over, but one day they just "clicked"...not all at one time, but tiny little baby steps.I still get some gentle whacks upside the head, when friends see me slipping back into my old ways. The good thing about that is, knowing people care enough to point it out.
We ARE in your corner, and I do believe you'll get there, but it's going to be in your time. Personally, I'd love to save you all the pain, but pain is what got ME to where I am, so I guess that's not such a good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by steve1840 
i AM going to get there. i WANT to get there and i WILL.
vacation sound great, but between her and some sickness inthe family, i hae spent my vacation time and money. BUT a long weekend is coming just around the corner doing what i love to do- find abandoned factories, hospitals, asylums etc and take pictures. i havehad an area in mindfor a while and will be going in a week or two.
vacation sound great, but between her and some sickness inthe family, i hae spent my vacation time and money. BUT a long weekend is coming just around the corner doing what i love to do- find abandoned factories, hospitals, asylums etc and take pictures. i havehad an area in mindfor a while and will be going in a week or two.
I think you're over romanticizing your feelings for her. It's like a love movie of a lost lover and you go through hell and high water to find her/rescue her and finally find her almost at her death's door, kidnapped by some drug lord, who tortured her for stealing dope, cause she can't stop herself, so you take her away like Robin Hood hero and live happily ever after.
In real life, she'll most likely be an "emotional vampire" that will suck out all you have and still leave you in the end.
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
hey steve. just wanted to let you know i support you in making the change. i'm not saying it's easy, no one is. but sometimes you gotta step up and make the choice between what is right and what is easy. you can do it, but it's going to take time. you won't wake up tomorrow and not miss her, want her, etc. but you need to make the small steps towards your ultimate goal: being happy again. i have been in your shoes. i have said all the things you are saying. and i hurt for you. my ex boyfriend is an addict. and a long time iv user. that being said, i can very clearly remember me at my worst where all thoughts were of him. all my actions had to do with him. all my time was spending waiting for him, to use, to be sick, to be well, to be sober. in the end, for myself and for him, he had to want to be sober, and i had to want my life back. your desire to be happy has to be stronger than your fear of losing her. at this point, you have lost her to the drug. this woman you spend time thinking about is not the woman you know and love. there is nothing you can do to stop her addiction. once you realize, REALLY realize your powerlessness over HER addiction, you can begin to make those steps toward YOUR recovery.
face it - you and her will not have a healthy relationship or friendship while she is in the cycle of addiction. you will need to move on and let her live her life. you can do it. you will do it. so when will you start?
no day but today
xoxo
face it - you and her will not have a healthy relationship or friendship while she is in the cycle of addiction. you will need to move on and let her live her life. you can do it. you will do it. so when will you start?
no day but today
xoxo
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