wntsluv2beit

I was directed to this part of the site (I hope I am in the right place) because I am not the user, but the used as of right now. My boyfriend is a heroin addict and I recently discovered that he had been stealing from me and using again (he's been clean for a year, we've been together for 7 months) and I am mad. So mad I want to cuss and scream and cry and throw things. I have done all but the violent acts, but I can't stop cutting at him and reminding him of how terrible he is and yelling at him for hurting me. I don't have the strength to kick him out (I don't think I really want to) but I know I have to stop reminding him of what an awful person he is. And I know it's not him, it's the drug, but I can't help but be angry. Hurt and angry. I want him to hurt as bad as he hurt me. He probably already is, this means he's stolen from anyone who ever loved him. I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I want him to understand the part of my soul that he ripped away by lying to my face and treating me like s***.

He is detoxing and he cried and said he didn't want his life to be this way. He said he wanted me more than anything even though no one would believe him, and he would understand if I had to make him leave. I know I am suppose to kick him out and make him get clean on his own, and wait to see if he still wants me when he sobers up, but I just can't bring myself to do it...

How can I love someone who is willing to treat me this way? I have discovered through self research that although this is the first instance of codependency for me, I am codependant, and that makes me angry too. Did I already have this? Did loving him give it to me? Can I fix it and us, and trust and have the life I want again?

I missed work yesterday and school two days in a row because I am depressed. It's ridiculous. I hate him. I hate him so much right now. I hate him and me, I am mad at me too. I am smarter than this. Any other man who's come into my life that even had a hint of addiction issues I ran from. But apparently I am an addict too, just to people. And maybe now, to him.

smith2b555

The only thing you are supposed to do is take care of yourself. Go ahead throw some things around, let it out. punch the couch cushion, bang on something loud. Scream, don't hold it in. I can tell you though yelling at him will not change him. take a step back, get away from him for awhile and go vent on your own.

wntsluv2beit

Thank you. I am such a rush of emotions right now, I don't know what's right for me. I am going to try to get to an Alanon meeting tonight. I feel like a fool. Is this the price of love? What a joke.

smith2b555

Don't worry about when he sobers up, if he will want you.You don't need his approval. Think about how you want to be happy. Take some time away. Sobering up is a long process and think long and hard about how many times you want to go through this.

smith2b555

Love always has come at a hefty price. at least for me.

keepinon

its sneaky.,t he whole disease. sorry to hear what you are going thru.I am the mom of a heroin addict.It is truly heartbreaking and scary. Read the posts here and definately give naranon or alanon a try.

steve1840

i canot give much advice since i am in the same boat as you with my girlfriend. After going through this for some months now, all i can say is that i am learning to go by actions and not words. it is great he is detoxing, but he has to see it through to be effective and he has to do it because he truly wants to for himself. if he is only doing it to please you or to not get thrown out, it may not last. i really hope he does it. it is too bad that there is not a badge that addicts haveto wear, because we fall in love before we know about the addiction and that tears us up. good luck to you.

yorkiegirl

I felt so much anger that I wanted to get violent (married to a marijuana addict/alcoholic). . .I knew I had to leave when I felt like taking a bat and smashing everything. . .never did it but the thoughts scared me! My rage frightened me. Removing myself gave me clarity. I am finding serenity each day.
Being in the thick of the insanity didn't allow me the possibility of seeing clearly & seeking serenity. It also led to my AH to seek recovery, though I feel his "thinking" is slipping. . .

I can relate to your post. I hope you can find a way to focus on you & your recovery.

I love my husband. I feel sad for him. I am cheering for him to struggle through/with his demons & will eventually overcome them. I will keep him in my thoughts & prayers to contine on the path to recovery. However, I can only be responsible for myself & my actions/thoughts. (And since I have a small child, I am responsible for caring for her.)

Separating from him has been the best thing. I hope you find your answers & your peace. This forum & NarNon/AlaNon help!

lunaa

Same here. My boyfriend is addicted to drugs and i'm addicted to him.
You just have to start doing the exact same thing you ask him to do. DONT USE.

Live

What about being loved?
It does not hurt this way.
Really!