keepinon

Cannot stop crying, rehashing, pitying myself. Back to feeling like I can't take a full breath. Panic attacks looming. Ugh..I've been in recovery a year..long enough for all this to make me sick..just CANNOT pull myself out right now. Every check I write makes me feel like I cant breathe. I am sad, resentful, FEARFUL, and seemingly unable to hand it over to HP (who is so fuzzy right now). The finances are depleted as is my faith that everything will work out alright. I am so afraid that my AD will relapse and die...have some thought in my head that this is how its going to end.I am more scared now that she is in recovery. Maybe becuse I culd fantasize about how she would be when she "got better" and the reality of her in recovery is NOT AT ALL what i had "dreamed". I need to get out of my head, but am so stuck right now. I know all the slogans, am going 2 a meeting today, etc. but the overwhelming feeling of impending doom is oppressive and feels unbearable. I am in so much pain.

Impurrfect

(((Keepinon))) - awww, sweetie, I'm sorry you're struggling. If it makes you feel any better, been there, a few times, myself, lately. I feel like an idiot, when I can't get to the "letting go" part without putting through pure torture

I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't. I CAN, however, send you lots and lots of hugs and prayers, and tell you I care

Amy

steve1840

you are not alone. when i saw the title to this thread, i thought it could be directed at me. you are probably like me in that you want to let go, you know you should, and you even makes steps toward that, but you get drawn back into the vacuum almost as though you made no progess. i too know the slogans, have gone to meetings, and have gotten the best advice and support i could ask for here, but i feel powerless over myself at times.

for me, i am thinking that there is a part of me that is comfortable in turmoil, stemming back from childhood. i am so used to it, that it becomes a way of life. because of childhood and the resulting years that followed, i think part of me shut down and i do not know how to exist otherwise. i don't know how to live normally. this fixing stuff serves some purpose.

sorry- didnt mean to hijack- just some free form typing.

i do hope you fell better and that your daughter recovers

smith2b555

Let it out! It's good too cry. Glad you are posting too. keep talking about it. if I could I would hug you right now! Everything will work it's self out. try not to think so negative.

tam

so sorry keepinon..(and everyone)I too am having a very difficult time lately. fear, anxiety, anger.what will tomorrow be like? is there any hope? Im lonely, miss him..is he going to survive? the unknown is frightening, I honestly can say I never felt like this in my life over anything. I feel in a slump. I actually can say why me, yet I never said that to myself before. its just making me weak and tired..but I know and we know that we just have to keep going, we just have to have hope tomorrow will be a better day, somehow someway we have to keep strong. thank you for sharing , it again made me realize that these bad days are going to come and we arent alone and its okay to cry and so important to be able to talk about it and it has made me feel less alone..sending you a huge hug!!!

Chino

I almost had a panic attack the other day and had this long thing typed out, but figured I'd cut to the chase. It was all about another opportunity for me to grow and I was resisting. It was either roll with it and feel better or fight it and get a beat down. The whole "what I resist, persists" thing. Growing pains hurt terribly sometimes and I'm saying a prayer for your relief.

islandcat

I thought I was stronger when I was so angry with my AS, angry that he has upset lives around him, tired of calls from hospitals for overdoses. I hated him and told him I will just wait for the final call.....but like you I too am down today, back to weeping, scared, tired of having my life revolving around thinking, wondering, hoping for what???? I want my life back, I cant be strong for him anymore, I have to be strong for me and my family but dont know how. His addiction is sucking the life out of me. My prayers to everyone going through this.

Live

that feeling you describe is runaway anxiety.
It's isn't good for you and panic attacks that can't be relieved need attention.
How about calling for an evaluation for counseling or medical treatment?

tjp613

Hi Keep - (((Hugs))) sweetie.

STOP.
Close your eyes.
BREATHE.
Deeeeeep breaths!

One. Day (Hour or Minute). At. A. Time.

Live in the moment. Be present here and now.

Right now you have a roof over your head, your fridge is full, you've got a couple of cars, a supportive husband, and your daughter is in a sober house. Today is a good day. Don't freaking worry about tomorrow.

If you don't have enough money to pay the bills, just pay what you can....a little bit on each. You are not the only one in this boat sweetie, and they will not be in any rush to come reposses your car.

You are OK just as you are right now.

wntsluv2beit

All I can add, is that you aren't alone. Unfortunately. Big hugs...

keepinon

Got to take my 1st shower in 2 weeks 2day (hip surgery)..that was nice. I started working my 4th step today..as long as I'm dwelling might as well try to channel it. I do have so much to be grteful for and am ok today, am trying to stay in the moment instead of waitng for the phone to ring (other shoe to drop,bubble to burst, etc.) I do aplogize for being so whiny lately. Between the surgery, AD in treatment, car trouble, and being home alone all day not working (surgery) I am living in my head WAAAY too much. As my husband says.. that (my head) is a SCARY place to be!Indeed it is!

tjp613

Y'know, Keep... they say that the effects of anesthesia last up to 3 weeks! I don't know about you but anesthesia kicks my a$$. Not only that, but ever since you got out of surgery it's been one thing or another. PLEASE just get lost in an incredible book this weekend. Stay home and relax. Make hubby cook you an awesome dinner. Rent a funny movie (have you seen It's Complicated??? LOL!!!) You need some serious R&R.

Live

I am so glad you feel better today.....all those things combined would wear on anybody!
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))

litehorse

keepinon - having a good cry can help - i hope positive thoughts will come shining back through soon - my prayers are with you and our daughter

Kindeyes

keepinon
I understand exactly how you feel. I've been having anxiety dreams lately too. It feels icky. Breathe. Cry. Scream. Hit a pillow. Whatever you need to do to get it OUT of you. Those anxious feelings can build up and overwhelm you if you don't rid yourself of them......or at least they do for me. Since you can't exercise much right now, that's not an outlet but I liked the idea of becoming totally absorbed into a good book. Live vicariously through a book for a while......maybe that will help.

But in the meantime, you know I'm sending you......

.....gentle hugs

keepinon

I actually HAVE to do alot of excercises and am the gym for like an hour a day now which does help too. Got Dexter on DVD and gonna watch that! AD is reportedly doing well. We have been encouraged not to actually talk since this past weekend from hell. We are both so good at triggering each other, Counselor is acting as go between..kinda nice.. get updates and info, but none of that attitude. Realize I would love to have a personal assistant as go between me and LOTS of other people as well but I don't think thats gonna happen anytime soon!:rotfxko Thanks for all the well wishes...its been so up an down lately I want my sernity back!!

chicory

I am right there with ya, baby girl.

I was feeling much the same and had that moment of clarity, when I realized that I was thinking of my son all the time. I decided to put the focus on ME and what I need to do for myself.
It helped a lot. and especially when I remember that I cannot control him, or the disease, or anyone but me.

Let go, and let God.

And people do recover.
She is in a good place now.
Quit trying to tell the future- that is crazy - we cant know. so we gotta wait

big hugs honey,
put the focus back on your recovery.
I learned this stuff here
and it works if you work it
chicory

gotahavfaith

Coming in late on this one Keepinon....I just wanted to say what everyone else said, and send you some hugs. We are all in this together. I think putting some space between you and her will help. I know it does me. Feel better. And the movie...It's Complicated is a really good movie, watch it.

Gotahavfaith

Kindeyes

keepinon
Checking in with you today to see if you're feeling better.
gentle hugs

Live

Since Kindeyes mentioned reading books...one of my favorite things to do...I just have to mention again the book I am reading now..."Man of Constant Sorrow" by Dr Ralph Stanley....because it has had me laughing out loud and snorting all week...