Been coming here for 6 years now
 

It's hard to believe that I signed up here six years ago...and everytime I log in I re-read my old posts and today I realized that for each of the 6 years my situation HAS NEVER CHANGED!!!! That's pitiful!

This is the absolute worst it's ever been : (

Over the past 6 yrs he has been arrested for embezzlement & pled guilty once(non-adjudicated ended this yr), arrested for same thing at different job last yr (trial in 3 wks). We lost our home, cars, dignity, had to leave a very nice rental home because he crapped our money away and he's being garnished for backrent. Now we're a family of 4 living in a 2BR apartment, at least until we get evicted. Why? He's gambled away over $1000 on 2 differnet occasions earlier this yr, and while I was in the hospital with my dying mother this summer he decided to relapse with Lortab and wasted another $1000 on pills, and became a month behind on rent because of it. ALL WITHOUT ME KNOWING ANYTHING until the rental office called to tell me I had to pay $1100 or get evicted!!!

My mother passed away 2 months ago. I have no one to talk to because she was my very best friend and my dad just CAN'T be burdoned with this right now no matter how badly I want to talk to him!

I am a Christian, he is not. I want our marriage to work out (we have 2 teenagers) but all I feel for him is anger and mistrust! How much is enough? God tells us to forgive because he forgives, and marriage is "in sickness and in health." But WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH??

I am holding out for the trial right now...if he goes to jail (gulp) then at least it won't be my fault that he's gone in the kids' eyes. They don't even know anything about his arrest. And the $500/month lawyer bill is KILLING US!

I no longer feel sorry for him. I haven't trusted him in years. But he is an awesome dad despite his sleepy soma days.

ANy comments/advice would be appreciated :thanks

Thank you for listening...

Over the past 6 yrs he has been arrested for embezzlement & pled guilty once(non-adjudicated ended this yr), arrested for same thing at different job last yr (trial in 3 wks). We lost our home, cars, dignity, had to leave a very nice rental home because he crapped our money away and he's being garnished for backrent. Now we're a family of 4 living in a 2BR apartment, at least until we get evicted. Why? He's gambled away over $1000 on 2 differnet occasions earlier this yr, and while I was in the hospital with my dying mother this summer he decided to relapse with Lortab and wasted another $1000 on pills, and became a month behind on rent because of it. ALL WITHOUT ME KNOWING ANYTHING until the rental office called to tell me I had to pay $1100 or get evicted!!!


Six years is a long time. Are you ready yet to make some positive changes for yourself and your kids? He can still be an awesome dad without the kids having to live in this madness.

Forgiveness. My therapist told me just this week that there is a difference between forgiveness and being a doormat. There's a difference between forgiveness and putting up with and acquiescing to certain events just because one doesn't want to be alone, break up a family, or a myriad of other reasons. There's a difference between forgiveness for YOUR sake and forgiveness for HIS sake. One can forgive for oneself so that the anger, hurt and frustration doesn't eat you like a poison, but in no way does forgiveness mean you have to continue living the nightmare. Forgiveness should never be something given due to promises made by another person. Forgiveness is a personal healing venture, IMO, and not meant to appease another.

If your forgiveness is continually causing you pain and anguish, you aren't forgiving for the right reasons.

I don't post much, but I'm not new here. I've struggled with an addict boyfriend who is in full, dedicated recovery right now. He and I are not together, but I have forgiven all his transgressions. Not for him, for ME. He is still in the beginning of step work and hasn't yet come to the making amends step, but when he does, I will be there to listen to his amends. I love him, but we are not in a position to be together or live together at the moment. Still, I've forgiven because I couldn't live with anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration, resentment eating me alive.

Forgive for the right reasons and for the right person.

Take care.

Wow, you sure have patience. I would have left long ago.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, and not even God promises to forget. He promises not to remember. I see that as promising not to rub our noses in it. Forgiveness is not absolution, either, and we don't have the power to give it.

My diary hasn't changed in years either. I read over past entries from years ago and it's like I just wrote it yesterday. Not pitiful, insane......maybe......Some of us just don't give up that easy. We just give in easy. I wish you and your children the best. As far as trusting him, just know that you can always trust yourself to make a good judgement call when it comes to him. don't believe in something just because you want it to be true. Instead just go with your gut and if it's something you can't accept, you don't have to accept it.

.

I can't even imagine going through what you have for the last six years. Enough is enough when leaving them is less painful than staying with them. I'll keep you in my prayers.

gentle hugs

A marriage is supposed to a partnership. You do not have this with your AH. He is continously sinking the ship while you scramble to keep things afloat.

You deserve better.

In fact you and your children deserve a SANE, SAFE, and HAPPY home, away from his toxicity.

Sometimes, you have to choose to don the bad guy cape in order to protect the ones you love. Not wanting to be the bad guy is what kept me with my drinking/drugging AH for several years. I eventually decided I had had enough.

He doesn't have to be married to you (and dragging you down financially) to be an awesome dad. In fact, he may well become a better and more responsible parent if you decide to take action and leave.

addicts are selfish and the only reasons when they´re not selfish, is when they are not given the opportunity. i am a christian myself, but don´t use that as a reason to stay. you have children. i grew up with both parents who were addicts, and believe me, not one day went by that i ever appreciated them being together. This will be your life as long as you let it. I know its hard to let go..it´s absolutely insanely hard, but you should start realizing that it´s even harder to stay.
I always think of it like this: you know that old saying that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump out. but if you put a frog in a cold pot of water, and slowly heat the water, the frog will stay in the pot, and slowly, but most definitely, burn to death.
I´m sure you never imagined this life for yourself or for your children, and if you knew that this was in store, you would have stayed far away from him. But we have to remember, that we have choices. I chose to be with my boyfriend and stay with him and his addiction for a year. I chose to ´work through it´ everytime he had a relapse. I chose to focus on the good, and conveniently overlook the obvious. AND THEN i chose to get out. The hardest decision. I probably could have died the first couple of weeks and not have cared. I cant imagine how much harder with children. But take it from a child that grew up with a dad in and out of jail, and a mom clinging on to anything she coud from drugs, to alcohol, to gambling, to men--it is extremely unhealthy to raise your children in that environment.
There is so much life to be lived yet. Think of the freedom you would have without addiction. There is light at the end, but you wont see it, as long as you choose to be blinded.
Peace and Blessing to you and your family. Impossible situations, but amazingly possible people.

I couldn't reconcile divorce with my beliefs when my husband divorced me 2 years ago.
Then I figured out that if he wanted to leave I was supposed to let him. (ha, like I could have stopped it, because I would have...but it didn't have this addiction kind of problem that I knew of...I think there is one now...and he says his prescribed meds messed him up and I am sure I believe that)
Any way...,this is leading up to say that I believe your husband has all ready left the marriage with his behaviors.
Jesus wasn't too happy with those who went only by the jot and tittle of the law..and I don't mean to imply that you are doing that just to say do not become hung up by that...it is the spirit of the law that matters and your husband has in spirit left the marriage by my reckoning.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Too bad we aren't required to make a similar "vow" to our children when they are born... to protect them from harm to the best of our abiilty. In this case a vow like that would trump your marriage vows any day of the week. He is destroying you and your home life and you stay with him because.....you took a vow. Sorry, but I think that's a cop out. He's a gambling and pill addict and a criminal. Money that should be spent for your children's welfare is being paid to his lawyer.

I didn't read anything in your post about him being in active recovery.

He is NOT an "awesome dad". Not even close.

You seem to be a very devoted person with very strong beliefs. I myself don't think God in anyway would expect us or want us to live in unhappyness. God does want us to be devoted to ourselves, to love and care for ourselves. Just because you want a better life for you and your children does that mean you have broken any rules or are being unfaithful.

Your husband is the one not holding up his end, in no way is he being a devoted husband and father, if anything the total opposite. You are the only one who can make it right for you and your children, you 3 deserved so much better and if your husband so wishes he to can be happy.

Rose

Here's my update:

Since he would surely go to jail if he didn't accept a deal, he pled guilty and will spend 8 yrs on probation, paying $18,000 back monthly. He was fired from his job three days before court, and has only gone looking for a job once, and that's after *I* made up his incredible resume and forced him to go. So now he's a convicted felon that no one will hire. Great!

So meanwhile I'm supporting the family and his suboxone & dr visits without insurance now. And he has the nerve to get angry with ME when I get short with HIM because we are $1400 behind on rent, our daughter ran fever for 3 days and I didn't have the money for a dr, and all he can seem to do is tidy up the house and sleep constantly!

Some days I can't stand to even look at him because of what he has done to us, and he actually had the nerve to sleep close to me?? I want things to be better...different...like when we were married....heck even like 7 years ago would be fine with me! Can't afford a divorce anyway, and he has no friends, no family, so nowhere to go and no money.

And the holidays are coming up and it's the first without my mom and grandmother, and this, too, that I have to keep secret.....

Your supporting his, suboxone and doctor visits and letting your doctor go without medical treatment because he by choice took drugs? I do not mean to sound cold or harsh, it has taken me a long time to get it with my AH, I was raised my hard core religous grandparents, so I know all too well the should never divorce battle in your head.

The reason your daughter could not go to the doctor is because of the choices YOU made.

Yup, awesome dad's don't risk their kids becoming destitute or homeless because of their reckless behavior. Nor do they put the kid's moms through years of hell.

Forgiveness and taking care of yourself & kids are mutually exclusive. Sure forgive but do it as you are packing his stuff :)

And not taking your daughter for medical treatment is considered neglect. Meaning, he is starting to hinder your ability to be a responsible mom. Think about that very carefully.

When is enough, enough. For me it's when the pain of holding on supersedes the fear of letting go. I didn't want to stop drinking, I couldn't imagine my life without it. But when I really started hurting cause I was losing things in my life that I truly love, I knew that I had enough.

There are places that offer free legal advice - it's possible if you share your horrible story with a lawyer and willing to do what it takes to get out, someone might pick you up pro bono. You should do some calling around. Your situation with your AH sounds like a black hole...and that he is still in denial letting you carry the load while he sleeps it all away. He needs to be forced to buck up for once. Sorry, but reading your update made me feel angry and I don't even know you all. I am a Christian too, but after seeking counsel from my pastor, and counsel from a lawyer I am moving forward with a legal separation. It is basically the same as divorce (everything is legally split - and you are no longer bound together on debts, etc., custody arrangements, child support, and on) but the marriage isn't dissolved. I figure this is my first step and will see where this leads me. Me and my children deserve a better life than what we are getting and I am done with it. My AH hasn't tangled with the law, yet, but I'd like to not be around him if/when that happens. Sorry you have been dragged so far down. It's time to help yourself. ****{HUGS to you}}}

Too bad we aren't required to make a similar "vow" to our children when they are born... to protect them from harm to the best of our abiilty. In this case a vow like that would trump your marriage vows any day of the week.

Very true