i need to tell my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
i need to tell my story
it has been so hard not to say a word to anyone. Not that i could tell my friends or family - too much judgment or too much anger or not enough understanding and for that matter all my friends are gone. he took me away from everyone and i let him. i know that is the classic sign of being abused...I didn't' want to talk to people i didn't want anyone to tell me what to do - i needed the decision to end the relationship to come from me and me alone. in all fairness i wanted to be able to say no one told me to leave you and you know that.
this is going to be a long story so if you don't have the time to read it stop now.
it all started in early January of this year - 9 months one of the longest relationships that i have had. I met him online ohh he was everything i wanted - a poet! OMG i never thought that someone who could put their words together so well and feel so much pain - can put me threw hell. Good looking, very intuitive and very perceptive - he saw my loneliness right away and knew how to prey on it. I was single for 8 yrs - my life very well in order. Having to go threw 5 major and abusive physically and emotionally relationships i took my time before i got into something new. i thought i knew everything and forgot to watch my back. Most of the men i have been with before were either druggies or alcoholics so i thought getting together with someone that was clean for a year was safe. after all everyone deserves a chance - why not a recovering addict! he told me he relapsed few times but i thought this time will be different - he is older and i am smart i can make this happen for both of us. i will love him and he has so much to teach me and he told me the truth and that is important to me and him. he made me feel like part of him, i belonged by his side. Made me feel needed and desired and loved - at first.....
i thought 8 yrs of being single and going threw an abused women program i learned to see the true men before i got involved and i did but threw wanting to have what i never did and more then love it was the understanding of how lonely i have been all my life and failed to listen to my reason. I went for it - i still don't regret nothing that happen - he thought me how to be humble and how not too judge no one for their actions. we all have reason for what we do even though we might not see the true nature of our actions until it is too late.
after 3 months of dating he asked me to move in with him. OHH how happy i was. i wanted to get out of my house where i lived with roommates and play the wify role - take care of him everyday, wake up next to him and love him just love him. he always told me how hard his life has been, how everyone including his mother left all alone with no place to turn too. His abused childhood and the women that always did him wrong. With time and my expirance i found out that it wasn't everyone else - he blamed his own outcome in life and his own faults on everyone else. People that knew him could take the heaviness of his misery just like i have reached the end of the road.
After a month of living together he stared talking about drinking. I thought hey he say he can drink socially he doesn't have a problem with alcohol it is the drugs he has a problem with we can try... we can drink together and have fun. well didn;t quite work out that way. he drunk until the alcohol run out and then the money run out and then no work and me in a shelf - i knew i was in trouble. i slowly have been getting deeper an deeper into his prison - actually my own - i put myself here with him and how do i forgive myself for allowing this to happen yet again??? i struggled with so much already and he was going threw depression, mental anxiety and feeling of being hopeless. He was on the run - staying under the redar so couldn't get nay real work depending only my income things got very tight. No money and me feeling like as i don't deserve this and him feeling not being able to provide or at least hold his end of the bargain let us to last weekend. it was the end of the rope. He wanted to make money the only way he knew how and i knew it wasn't anything good but i couldn't even say no. i needed to see him feel hope, have the negativity and the misery go away. that meant we can make it work we can still make it work....threw this time i kept realizing he was seeing me as the obstacle - i was the one that didn't allow him to be who he was - whatever that is. my way of living - waking up in the morning and going to work the hated normalcy that i brought with me was too much to bare. he stop drinking started going to AA after a month relapsed ended up in detox and then rehab. he got kicked out for outstanding warrants that the county wasn't not able to lift. He told me he did have a warrant but i never knew what the charges were and it turned out to be rather heavty charge -robbery, assault with a weapon and endangering a life of a child. he come home and i felt apart. i broke down and i drunk right in front of him the day he come home from rehab. I know it was wrong. He never let me forget that.
Friday he got the drugs to sell - when i got home he was fine but at night it all started. He said he got something in his eye but i know he was smoking or sniffing dope all night. i saw hi on the net looking up how to sniff dope - didn't think much about it then but then as the weekend progresses i realized he was doing his research. He didn't know how to get the money out of me any other wise so this was a good excuse to get something to take the pain away. i truly thought friday that he was high from rubbing his eye until i went ot work saturday morning didn some reasearch and got the idea that he got high. when i come him i confronted him about that - he didn't even let me finish. the only thing that was said was how can you not have faith in me? make me feel guilty for not believing in him just like everyone else. Once again i was behind the enemy lines - in the front the biggest enemy of all. Saturday went by, Sunday he tells me the drugs won't work he will do something else - sell funny stuff on the net. In my name of course. He asked me to do ti before and i said no. After all it was my whole life that i could loose if i wen to jail. He kept assuring me it was all safe and i won't get into any trouble and i need to trust him. Feeling the pressure i said fine - not without the attitude but he didn't care. He was getting his way and that was the most important thing. Again i wen to bed - he stayed up all night, and after going to work in the morning and thinking about it again i called him and said NO. i won't do it. I can't do it. not because of me - i could go to jail i don't care but i have a child (he is 18) and i have my sister and my parents - what about their shame of having me as their daughter? I could put my family threw more then i already have over the years coming home with black eye and bruises all over my body. they have all worried about me and my choices enough.
My saying no brought on hell, and i knew that this was going to be the end - i might as well have said get out. the lease is in my name - i am paying the bills, barely making it but doing so i am ready and prepared to be on my own - enough of this hell! That day all day i kept getting e-mails how i raped him, how i am the worst person on the face of the earth - no one has every been this horrible to him as i did. gave him hope and then took it all away. I listened didn't say anything - kept wondering if he forgot that a few days before he told me i was the best women he ever had. i told him that day it was over. I couldn't take it anymore whatever it was - just couldn't live like this...he didn't have any place to go and that is why we stayed together as long as we have - i didn't wan to see him on the streets but this time i had to let him go. He stayed the night - gto high all night long -coke and dope. He told me few times he would never do coke ever again and there he was sniffing again...i come home Tuesday - he was ready to go to detox again. I guess that is better then being on the street - and actually on his part it shows he wants to be clean but he is way too scared to face his demons. He wants everyone else to take responsibility for his actions just not him. In the hospital he kept telling me how this is all my fault - because i hurt him so much he had to get high. Again - i am at fault for everything that happened to him before he met me and after. i sold him a dream and then took it all away.
i left him at rehab Tuesday night- that was the last i heard from him. I am n our house - still filled with all of his belongings trying to make sense of the last 9 months. He did make me feel like no one else did - he was my best friend, my understanding, my sense of belonging and the rest of my life. I feel very guilty for throwing him on the street even though i know it was what he needed. I feel horrible about not giving him more opportunities even though i know it is not my place to do so. I feel horrible for not being able to take away his pain even though i know he is the only one that can do that fro himself. i feel worthless, i feel i have no future and i feel like life is really not worth living anymore. i keep making the same mistakes with men, dating the same men just different faces and i don't know how to stop myself. they all have that same addict behavior that makes you think you crazy, your world and your own truth doesn't ever make sense the same way their truth doesn't make sense to you. I miss him terribly, i hurt so much and i am scared to ever hear his voice again. He is a good men - really is. He is loving and caring and very connected on his good days. All he ever wanted was to be loved but then again i wanted the same thing. i am a good women too.
this is going to be a long story so if you don't have the time to read it stop now.
it all started in early January of this year - 9 months one of the longest relationships that i have had. I met him online ohh he was everything i wanted - a poet! OMG i never thought that someone who could put their words together so well and feel so much pain - can put me threw hell. Good looking, very intuitive and very perceptive - he saw my loneliness right away and knew how to prey on it. I was single for 8 yrs - my life very well in order. Having to go threw 5 major and abusive physically and emotionally relationships i took my time before i got into something new. i thought i knew everything and forgot to watch my back. Most of the men i have been with before were either druggies or alcoholics so i thought getting together with someone that was clean for a year was safe. after all everyone deserves a chance - why not a recovering addict! he told me he relapsed few times but i thought this time will be different - he is older and i am smart i can make this happen for both of us. i will love him and he has so much to teach me and he told me the truth and that is important to me and him. he made me feel like part of him, i belonged by his side. Made me feel needed and desired and loved - at first.....
i thought 8 yrs of being single and going threw an abused women program i learned to see the true men before i got involved and i did but threw wanting to have what i never did and more then love it was the understanding of how lonely i have been all my life and failed to listen to my reason. I went for it - i still don't regret nothing that happen - he thought me how to be humble and how not too judge no one for their actions. we all have reason for what we do even though we might not see the true nature of our actions until it is too late.
after 3 months of dating he asked me to move in with him. OHH how happy i was. i wanted to get out of my house where i lived with roommates and play the wify role - take care of him everyday, wake up next to him and love him just love him. he always told me how hard his life has been, how everyone including his mother left all alone with no place to turn too. His abused childhood and the women that always did him wrong. With time and my expirance i found out that it wasn't everyone else - he blamed his own outcome in life and his own faults on everyone else. People that knew him could take the heaviness of his misery just like i have reached the end of the road.
After a month of living together he stared talking about drinking. I thought hey he say he can drink socially he doesn't have a problem with alcohol it is the drugs he has a problem with we can try... we can drink together and have fun. well didn;t quite work out that way. he drunk until the alcohol run out and then the money run out and then no work and me in a shelf - i knew i was in trouble. i slowly have been getting deeper an deeper into his prison - actually my own - i put myself here with him and how do i forgive myself for allowing this to happen yet again??? i struggled with so much already and he was going threw depression, mental anxiety and feeling of being hopeless. He was on the run - staying under the redar so couldn't get nay real work depending only my income things got very tight. No money and me feeling like as i don't deserve this and him feeling not being able to provide or at least hold his end of the bargain let us to last weekend. it was the end of the rope. He wanted to make money the only way he knew how and i knew it wasn't anything good but i couldn't even say no. i needed to see him feel hope, have the negativity and the misery go away. that meant we can make it work we can still make it work....threw this time i kept realizing he was seeing me as the obstacle - i was the one that didn't allow him to be who he was - whatever that is. my way of living - waking up in the morning and going to work the hated normalcy that i brought with me was too much to bare. he stop drinking started going to AA after a month relapsed ended up in detox and then rehab. he got kicked out for outstanding warrants that the county wasn't not able to lift. He told me he did have a warrant but i never knew what the charges were and it turned out to be rather heavty charge -robbery, assault with a weapon and endangering a life of a child. he come home and i felt apart. i broke down and i drunk right in front of him the day he come home from rehab. I know it was wrong. He never let me forget that.
Friday he got the drugs to sell - when i got home he was fine but at night it all started. He said he got something in his eye but i know he was smoking or sniffing dope all night. i saw hi on the net looking up how to sniff dope - didn't think much about it then but then as the weekend progresses i realized he was doing his research. He didn't know how to get the money out of me any other wise so this was a good excuse to get something to take the pain away. i truly thought friday that he was high from rubbing his eye until i went ot work saturday morning didn some reasearch and got the idea that he got high. when i come him i confronted him about that - he didn't even let me finish. the only thing that was said was how can you not have faith in me? make me feel guilty for not believing in him just like everyone else. Once again i was behind the enemy lines - in the front the biggest enemy of all. Saturday went by, Sunday he tells me the drugs won't work he will do something else - sell funny stuff on the net. In my name of course. He asked me to do ti before and i said no. After all it was my whole life that i could loose if i wen to jail. He kept assuring me it was all safe and i won't get into any trouble and i need to trust him. Feeling the pressure i said fine - not without the attitude but he didn't care. He was getting his way and that was the most important thing. Again i wen to bed - he stayed up all night, and after going to work in the morning and thinking about it again i called him and said NO. i won't do it. I can't do it. not because of me - i could go to jail i don't care but i have a child (he is 18) and i have my sister and my parents - what about their shame of having me as their daughter? I could put my family threw more then i already have over the years coming home with black eye and bruises all over my body. they have all worried about me and my choices enough.
My saying no brought on hell, and i knew that this was going to be the end - i might as well have said get out. the lease is in my name - i am paying the bills, barely making it but doing so i am ready and prepared to be on my own - enough of this hell! That day all day i kept getting e-mails how i raped him, how i am the worst person on the face of the earth - no one has every been this horrible to him as i did. gave him hope and then took it all away. I listened didn't say anything - kept wondering if he forgot that a few days before he told me i was the best women he ever had. i told him that day it was over. I couldn't take it anymore whatever it was - just couldn't live like this...he didn't have any place to go and that is why we stayed together as long as we have - i didn't wan to see him on the streets but this time i had to let him go. He stayed the night - gto high all night long -coke and dope. He told me few times he would never do coke ever again and there he was sniffing again...i come home Tuesday - he was ready to go to detox again. I guess that is better then being on the street - and actually on his part it shows he wants to be clean but he is way too scared to face his demons. He wants everyone else to take responsibility for his actions just not him. In the hospital he kept telling me how this is all my fault - because i hurt him so much he had to get high. Again - i am at fault for everything that happened to him before he met me and after. i sold him a dream and then took it all away.
i left him at rehab Tuesday night- that was the last i heard from him. I am n our house - still filled with all of his belongings trying to make sense of the last 9 months. He did make me feel like no one else did - he was my best friend, my understanding, my sense of belonging and the rest of my life. I feel very guilty for throwing him on the street even though i know it was what he needed. I feel horrible about not giving him more opportunities even though i know it is not my place to do so. I feel horrible for not being able to take away his pain even though i know he is the only one that can do that fro himself. i feel worthless, i feel i have no future and i feel like life is really not worth living anymore. i keep making the same mistakes with men, dating the same men just different faces and i don't know how to stop myself. they all have that same addict behavior that makes you think you crazy, your world and your own truth doesn't ever make sense the same way their truth doesn't make sense to you. I miss him terribly, i hurt so much and i am scared to ever hear his voice again. He is a good men - really is. He is loving and caring and very connected on his good days. All he ever wanted was to be loved but then again i wanted the same thing. i am a good women too.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, so sorry you are going through this.
So, what are your plans? You have an opportunity to move forward without him, have you given that any thought?
Keep posting, others will be here to greet you.
So, what are your plans? You have an opportunity to move forward without him, have you given that any thought?
Keep posting, others will be here to greet you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
my plans are to get over him and move on. I was heavy into running before i met him (so much serenity in the steady pounding of the pavement - long distance of course) so i plan on getting back into that. This weekend i will clean the house and try to put some of his things away. I pray for him - i hope he finds peace of his own somewhere. I do hope that i won't give into the depression and my own desperation of feeling less then what i am.
This site has given me hope. I am so grateful that i can have support of people that are going threw the same thing i am - i find so much comfort in the fact that i am not ALONE...thank you everyone that reads my post!
This site has given me hope. I am so grateful that i can have support of people that are going threw the same thing i am - i find so much comfort in the fact that i am not ALONE...thank you everyone that reads my post!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Welcome here lovechild. I'm sorry for your pain.
I dont know what to advice or say to you as i'm also new here and new to the whole thing but everyone on SR is going to help. you've come to the right place.
My prayers to you.
I dont know what to advice or say to you as i'm also new here and new to the whole thing but everyone on SR is going to help. you've come to the right place.
My prayers to you.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
welcome lovechild - i'm sorry you are dealing with such pain and frustration - this is a wonderful place for that - full of understanding and compassion - i'm so glad you have reached out and that you are making plans to get your life back -
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
You did no wrong! Addicts are the master of the game, very talented in manipulation. You may have gone through a hardcore course but it can't teach you the real thing. Gosh look how manytimes we have had enough pulled the plug, only for them to come back, because some how they have mastered the perfect story up on how they have come to their senses, then for us to believe it from start to finish. The games begin again.
Don't blame yourself one little bit, they all come with their own little package and it is impossible to ever know what is that package.
I think you are mad at yourself for letting your guard down and taking a chance. We don't live and learn if we don't take chances. Give yourself a break and chalk it up.
I myself don't have much faith in internet dating, it just feels to me that you are out their proving yourself to some person that is more than likely full of BS. I to went on a dating sight, I came out feeling worse about myself, this one had a count on the bottom of how many people had you on their list of favourites. I would get put on someones favourite list and then they would take me off, sometimes I had 0 favorites and the next gal would have over 200. They say to put a picture on and you will have better luck. so I did , was a nice picture of me in the garden, but I sure didn't get anyone adding me on to their favs. What I had to do was put a low cut shirt on and then I to could have been someones favorite, so just look at the saying behind all of that.
I am sorry that this happened to you, pick yourself up dust off and live life, because you so deserve it!
Rose
Don't blame yourself one little bit, they all come with their own little package and it is impossible to ever know what is that package.
I think you are mad at yourself for letting your guard down and taking a chance. We don't live and learn if we don't take chances. Give yourself a break and chalk it up.
I myself don't have much faith in internet dating, it just feels to me that you are out their proving yourself to some person that is more than likely full of BS. I to went on a dating sight, I came out feeling worse about myself, this one had a count on the bottom of how many people had you on their list of favourites. I would get put on someones favourite list and then they would take me off, sometimes I had 0 favorites and the next gal would have over 200. They say to put a picture on and you will have better luck. so I did , was a nice picture of me in the garden, but I sure didn't get anyone adding me on to their favs. What I had to do was put a low cut shirt on and then I to could have been someones favorite, so just look at the saying behind all of that.
I am sorry that this happened to you, pick yourself up dust off and live life, because you so deserve it!
Rose
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Most of the men i have been with before were either druggies or alcoholics so i thought getting together with someone that was clean for a year was safe. after all everyone deserves a chance - why not a recovering addict! he told me he relapsed few times but i thought this time will be different...
Many of us here have kept doing the same thing over and over, thinking each time that "this time is will be different". It rarely is.
Stick around, maybe find some live meetings that will help you regain your balance, and maybe decide to move forward a little wiser for the lesson. You CAN do it, you don't have to stay in this chaos of addiction that will lead you no place good.
Welcome to SR, it's a good place to be with people who understand.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
