lunaa

I read the stickie about codependancy ,discovered i developed most of the codependancy symptoms after i got into this relationship with an addict. is it possible that i started to be a codie due to his addiction? isnt it a nature or a personality type ?

sojourner

That's a VERY good question. Hidden drug use/addiction causes a lot of confusion on the part of the loved one. I think what is called "codependency" is just a natural human reaction to a very confusing situation. A lot of loved ones move away from that kind of behavior once the truth comes out and they see that drugs/alcohol are a core problem.

But some loved ones just for the life of them cannot move out of the behavior that gets labeled "codependent." Those are what i guess would be called "chronically codependent."

There's going to be lots of opinions on this topic. The important part is that you have reached a point where you are taking a look at your interaction with the addict and see where you can make positive changes for yourself (which in the end is good for the addicted loved one, too).

Hope that helps.

dollydo

For me, it started when I was a child. Both parents were alcoholics. I lived with my grandparents until I was 7, then I got shipped back to my mothers. Lived with her until I was 15, then off to my Dad's I went. I always spent my weekends with my grandparents, so my life was like a revolving door.

That's when it started, I was desperate to change my situation and I thought if I could change them, so too would my life change. Wrong.

Ok, so then I moved on to an alcoholic and so the cycle continued.

Being a codie nearly destroyed me, I am so glad that to have that facet of my life under control.

lunaa

My addict boyfriend is an abuser plus an addict,.I've been hiding both facts from my family and everyone,recenlty my parents found out about his abuse and the way he talks to me ,i suddenly felt unable to hide and cover up for him anymore (atleast in this aspect) i confessed he has been abusive to me and ever since i did that i felt stronger ,i knew it long ago but it seems i needed to hear it coming out of my mouth to believe and react to it !!
Now i'm starting to feel better about myself or atleast i'm starting to think about myself for the first time. i wish that my codependency goes away.

lunaa

I'm so sorry for what you went through ,it must have been so hard for you but i'm happy you are here ,happier than before.
Our lives dont change unless WE change,otherwise it's like switching drugs,i know that know.

Kindeyes

It's my nature. I love big. And for some (healthy) people, that works just fine. But when you have a kind heart, some people will take advantage of it. And yes....we are so obvious that we might as well have a target on our foreheads.

My DH has always said "How can I fault a mother for loving her son too much? I don't want you to change." (My husband is not an alcoholic.....luckily I have a healthy relationship with him.) So I have to understand who I can be this kind, giving person toward and who I have to reel those instincts in for.

Not as easy as it sounds.

gentle hugs

lunaa

You are right it's not an easy task but it's a must,your great love energy should be directed to who deserves it.

steve1840

i have come to realize over the past couple years that my behavior stems from childhood too. My parents were young when they had kids and did not start to "grow" until much later in life. cut to the chase- average blue-collar home, but my dad was a raging monster sometimes. starting as a kid, i was powerless over the fits of rage and unable to defend boundaries. on top of that, i was a fixer trying to make things better with the rest of my family. as i got older and began having relationships, i unknowingly looked for the perfect love to save me i guess, to fill what had been virtually empty forever. i think that progressed into being involved with unavailable people. perhaps i try to fix them, seeing the mirror image of myself there. i also have come to realize that i can be the unavailable one to a healthy partner. i think for so long i have not know what is right that i feel incapable of having it.

lovechild

Steve i can so relate to your post! My Mom growing up kept dealing with my Dad's anger issues and although i never saw him hit her i did hear a lot of angry arguments and a lot of crying from my Mom. I don't know really why i keep attracting men that are addicts but i am so scared that i don't know how to be with a healthy men or for that matter am i really healthy? and if i am not how do i fix it??? and what do i need to fix? i look for love better word a sense of belonging but i keep thinking it is too late for me. i am lost in my own loneliness, my pain and inability to love healthy.

Chino

It's a coping skill I learned at a very young age for situations where I felt threatened. I remember being in 2nd grade and my dad observing that I always cheered for the underdog. That's because I considered myself one, too.

steve, good observation about the mirror image

lunaa

Thanks everyone for posting and sharing.
I grew up in a very loving house to both mature and responsible parents .
I always was a smart self confident girl with ahigh sense of serenity to my family . the past years' events ,the confusion,the pain and lonliness lead me unconsiously to this pattern of behaviour.

Live

Lunaa,

I don't have any answer for your question right now, but I wanted to tell you that I am having trouble with my internet connection.

I can't get to your page and couldn't answer you last night.

lunaa

does he/she use?

Chino

lunaa, I think all bets are off when it comes to falling in love/lust. It's hormone driven and they're powerful for a reason. They can knock even the most well balanced person off their proverbial rocker.

lunaa

Oh honey its okay,can you send private messages or check your inbox?

lunaa

Yes Chino you are so right. Love is a very strong motivation . As well as a push forward it can also be self destructive.

P.S : I like your signature.

steve1840

YES!!!!!!!

there is a whole other me then what i have been since i came here. you wouldn't beleive the "other" steve. but somehow, this girl turns me upside down and inside out- or should i say i let her do it. why?

i can only guess that she fills that void i wrote about earlier. she's the only one that fits that space just right to set this all in motion. i know this is bad for me and for her, yet i cannot walk away. i've bee nable to walk away from others for much less reason. the love/lust attraction to her completely takes me over.

smith2b555

.

If you stay by this girls side and she continues to dissappoint/use/manipulate you, eventually that lust will be worn away. Then you will wonder why you wasted x amount of time on her. just trying to save you some time. I know the feeling, that's how I wound up in the mess I'm in. Why do things that are so wrong feel soooo right? I can tell you from experience lust fades, love can be accomplished from a distance. your desire for her is from something you are missing inside. Think about what it is that attracts you to her so much and you may find a way to stay away. You don't have to be with someone to love them. I never could stay away because I needed them to hold me and tell me it was all going to be ok. Once I figured out how to do that for myself things got a lot easier. hang in there.

wntsluv2beit

I just asked the same question. I grew up in a home with addicts so until my current bf came around, I had trained myself OUT of any codependant tendencies. Now, all of a sudden, I am embarassingly textbook codependant. Is this the price of love? I should have stayed single.

I believe enough to believe that if you realize it and want it bad enough, you can change it. Now I just need to apply it to my own life...

Cyber hugs. I'm glad I'm not alone. It's frightening how many people are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time as me...

lunaa

Yes this is so right. I love my addict boyfriend so much but within these intense feelings there's also hate. I know that his feelings for me are the closest thing he knows for love but it's not enough. It comes a point when you realise you need so many things your addict bf/gf are not giving,they only suck you dry but they never give,they are not even aware of your needs. It comes a point when your lonesome and solitude are greater than your love for them because they are never there for you. And as hard as you give you dont get love in return. Trust me steve there comes a point when this great love turns into hate.