I need help. Long but please read!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
I need help. Long but please read!
Let me first tell you that I am sorry this post is so long. But I have no one to tell about the relationship I am in. Please if you have the time, please read this. I could really use some insight from someone. I have been keeping these issues to myself for a long time now....
I met my boyfriend during a two year program at my local college. We have been together for 9 months now. He has drank pretty much everyday since I have met him. But he is what you would call a functional alcoholic. He dresses professional for class (we have to where a uniform), arrives early, stays late, he is intelligent, makes good grades (although they are starting to decline) and keeps a clean house.
His routine is usually to cycle to school (he has no license), goes to class, stays after if he has to, cycles back home about 4-5pm, then walks to the gas station to buy a 4 pack of high gravity. If he drinks the 4 pack too fast he will sometimes go back and get more beer. On weekends he starts drinking at about 8 or 9 am. He'll drink until he is ready to take a nap. If I wake him up he is usually still drunk. After he sleeps, he will eat and unless I get him out of the house he is ready to drink and start all over again for that night.
I first realized he had a real drinking problem about 3 months into our relationship. I realized it one night when he exploded on me over the phone about something very small I had said. At that time I felt more in control of our relationship. I hung up and refused to answer his calls the rest of the night. The next morning he apologized to me. Said he made a mistake and drank too much. Since then there have been quite a few events like this that have progressively gotten worse. He has never hit me but has came very close. If I say something that sets him off when he drinks, he tries to make he feel bad about myself, calls me names, brings up things from my past that I have told him about, tells me how much women love him, or intimidates me physically. Sometimes he is sorry after he has sobered up and sometimes he tries to pretend nothing happened. It seems like he cares less and less if he hurts me. I think in a way he feels hopeless and unable to control his abusive actions but too afraid to admit it. He knows that the apologies are redundant.
My boyfriend comes from an abusive home as a child. His father was physically abusive beginning at the age of 3. He watched his father physically abuse his younger brother and sister as well. His father was abusive and controlling to his mother too. His parents were young and used to leave him with one of his uncles. His uncle would verbally and physically abuse him and lock him in a closet and leave the house for hours. One night when he was drunk, he told me over the phone that he had been raped as a child (by a male Im sure but didn't say who). Neither of us have mentioned it since. Im not sure if he even remembers telling me.
His father pasted away when he was 16. He has told me in the past that his abusive nature is deep inside him and that he doesn't think it will ever go away. When I tell him how much it hurts me, he has told me that the things he has done to me aren't anywhere near what he had been through as a child. He has told me that he drinks so that he doesn't think about all of the things that have happened to him. But he has also given me other reasons why he drinks; he is bored, it is fun, there is nothing else to do in our small town, he speaks to his family and friends more easily when he drinks, or he is too quiet or boring of a person when he is sober.
When we get into fights when he is drunk and he gets scared of loosing me he will slow down his drinking. Ways he has tried to control his drinking in the past is to limit it to 4 drinks a night, switch to a weaker beer, or only drink when Im not around. This has failed over and over again.
A little over a week ago while I was out of town visiting family, we were on the phone (he was obviously drunk) and he began one of his "i like to hear myself talk when im drunk" lectures. I hate these! I know when he starts this he is most touchy. Of course I said something that set my off. He started to insult me and then broke up with me (this is not the first time he has done this while drunk). But this time I went with it. I did not call him the next day, I deleted him from all my profiles online. I was done! He called me the next night saying how much he loved me and was sad without me. And about how he would stop drinking if we stayed together. We had a few conversations like this over the next few days. I told him how there wasnt anything he could do and that I knew the drinking wouldn't stop just for me. He insisted that he was ready this time.
Then I started to miss him. You see I have laid out for you all the horrible things about our relationship but when he is sober there are just as many good things. We like to do active things together, we workout, enjoy the same shows on tv, make each other laugh. We've had the best sex life until recently. I think the strain has gotten to me to where I just don't want it anymore.
We got back together about 5 days ago. He hasn't had a drink since then. He is having a hard time with it. At times he is moody or quiet. When Im not there he is bored and doesn't know what to do with himself because all he has done in the past in drink. He says he is doing this for me and a little for himself. And because he is happier with me than the alcohol. I'm not so sure I believe him. I know he thinks that he means it but I feel it is only a matter of time before something breaks him.
My questions is do you really think this will be the point where he stops drinking? Is there anything I can do to help? Is there any books or references I can look up to help me learn more about what is going on? Anything anyone has to say about my story is welcomed and I would be greatly thankful.
I met my boyfriend during a two year program at my local college. We have been together for 9 months now. He has drank pretty much everyday since I have met him. But he is what you would call a functional alcoholic. He dresses professional for class (we have to where a uniform), arrives early, stays late, he is intelligent, makes good grades (although they are starting to decline) and keeps a clean house.
His routine is usually to cycle to school (he has no license), goes to class, stays after if he has to, cycles back home about 4-5pm, then walks to the gas station to buy a 4 pack of high gravity. If he drinks the 4 pack too fast he will sometimes go back and get more beer. On weekends he starts drinking at about 8 or 9 am. He'll drink until he is ready to take a nap. If I wake him up he is usually still drunk. After he sleeps, he will eat and unless I get him out of the house he is ready to drink and start all over again for that night.
I first realized he had a real drinking problem about 3 months into our relationship. I realized it one night when he exploded on me over the phone about something very small I had said. At that time I felt more in control of our relationship. I hung up and refused to answer his calls the rest of the night. The next morning he apologized to me. Said he made a mistake and drank too much. Since then there have been quite a few events like this that have progressively gotten worse. He has never hit me but has came very close. If I say something that sets him off when he drinks, he tries to make he feel bad about myself, calls me names, brings up things from my past that I have told him about, tells me how much women love him, or intimidates me physically. Sometimes he is sorry after he has sobered up and sometimes he tries to pretend nothing happened. It seems like he cares less and less if he hurts me. I think in a way he feels hopeless and unable to control his abusive actions but too afraid to admit it. He knows that the apologies are redundant.
My boyfriend comes from an abusive home as a child. His father was physically abusive beginning at the age of 3. He watched his father physically abuse his younger brother and sister as well. His father was abusive and controlling to his mother too. His parents were young and used to leave him with one of his uncles. His uncle would verbally and physically abuse him and lock him in a closet and leave the house for hours. One night when he was drunk, he told me over the phone that he had been raped as a child (by a male Im sure but didn't say who). Neither of us have mentioned it since. Im not sure if he even remembers telling me.
His father pasted away when he was 16. He has told me in the past that his abusive nature is deep inside him and that he doesn't think it will ever go away. When I tell him how much it hurts me, he has told me that the things he has done to me aren't anywhere near what he had been through as a child. He has told me that he drinks so that he doesn't think about all of the things that have happened to him. But he has also given me other reasons why he drinks; he is bored, it is fun, there is nothing else to do in our small town, he speaks to his family and friends more easily when he drinks, or he is too quiet or boring of a person when he is sober.
When we get into fights when he is drunk and he gets scared of loosing me he will slow down his drinking. Ways he has tried to control his drinking in the past is to limit it to 4 drinks a night, switch to a weaker beer, or only drink when Im not around. This has failed over and over again.
A little over a week ago while I was out of town visiting family, we were on the phone (he was obviously drunk) and he began one of his "i like to hear myself talk when im drunk" lectures. I hate these! I know when he starts this he is most touchy. Of course I said something that set my off. He started to insult me and then broke up with me (this is not the first time he has done this while drunk). But this time I went with it. I did not call him the next day, I deleted him from all my profiles online. I was done! He called me the next night saying how much he loved me and was sad without me. And about how he would stop drinking if we stayed together. We had a few conversations like this over the next few days. I told him how there wasnt anything he could do and that I knew the drinking wouldn't stop just for me. He insisted that he was ready this time.
Then I started to miss him. You see I have laid out for you all the horrible things about our relationship but when he is sober there are just as many good things. We like to do active things together, we workout, enjoy the same shows on tv, make each other laugh. We've had the best sex life until recently. I think the strain has gotten to me to where I just don't want it anymore.
We got back together about 5 days ago. He hasn't had a drink since then. He is having a hard time with it. At times he is moody or quiet. When Im not there he is bored and doesn't know what to do with himself because all he has done in the past in drink. He says he is doing this for me and a little for himself. And because he is happier with me than the alcohol. I'm not so sure I believe him. I know he thinks that he means it but I feel it is only a matter of time before something breaks him.
My questions is do you really think this will be the point where he stops drinking? Is there anything I can do to help? Is there any books or references I can look up to help me learn more about what is going on? Anything anyone has to say about my story is welcomed and I would be greatly thankful.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
My questions is do you really think this will be the point where he stops drinking?
Is there any books or references I can look up to help me learn more about what is going on?
Welcome. keep reading and posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
There are two issues here..alcoholism and abuse and both get progressively worse. The alcoholism is actually easier to treat than the abuse and it is a deathly struggle by itself.
There is a book by Lundy Bancroft...something along the lines of "why he acts like that"
I suggest you read the stickies at the tops of this and the women in recovery forums regarding both the alcoholism and abuse.
I am hesitant to say this, but I know it in my heart to be true:
I don't have a crystal ball but I am 99.9999999 percent sure that this is going to get so much worse you wouldn't believe it if I told you.
It will shred you.
You will see less of the good and more of the bad.
It's all ready really bad.
It has a very poor outcome.
Please stick around, read, post, make yourself at home...
There is a book by Lundy Bancroft...something along the lines of "why he acts like that"
I suggest you read the stickies at the tops of this and the women in recovery forums regarding both the alcoholism and abuse.
I am hesitant to say this, but I know it in my heart to be true:
I don't have a crystal ball but I am 99.9999999 percent sure that this is going to get so much worse you wouldn't believe it if I told you.
It will shred you.
You will see less of the good and more of the bad.
It's all ready really bad.
It has a very poor outcome.
Please stick around, read, post, make yourself at home...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Oh my.......I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As I was reading your post, the only thing I could think about was that I was concerned about your safety.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Alcohol/drugs is not an excuse for mistreating people but unfortunately, it sometimes makes it worse.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Alcohol/drugs is not an excuse for mistreating people but unfortunately, it sometimes makes it worse.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Welcome here.
I dont have much to advice you as i'm going through the same crisis as you are with an abusive drug addict. One thing i can tell you for sure is it gets worse. When i first met my boyfriend he used drugs but his addiction had not yet progressed ,honestly i didnt think it was a big deal back then he was an attractive guy,I didnt see the signs though and i thought if its only about a few smokes every now and then then it's no biggie and he's sure to quit oneday.
But he started to use more,switched to different types,tried new drugs,pills and heavy stuff and it never stopped moreover he needs more doses and more drugs. Instead of ocassionally smoking marijuana every now and then he uses pills and heavy drugs on daily basis.
Everytime i threaten to leave him he makes promises and say he would quit,guess what??? he never does.
As time goes by you cant set any boundaries,they start taking you for granted,they know that you never will leave or go anywhere consequently they keep using and never stop.
So based on my experience this is not the point where he stops drinking.
How you can help is stop enabling and convince him he needs help,read about enabling in this forum.
You also need to set boundaries,you can also read about it in the forum and finally to be informed try to get the books hello-kitty mentioned.
My prayers for you.keep posting.
I dont have much to advice you as i'm going through the same crisis as you are with an abusive drug addict. One thing i can tell you for sure is it gets worse. When i first met my boyfriend he used drugs but his addiction had not yet progressed ,honestly i didnt think it was a big deal back then he was an attractive guy,I didnt see the signs though and i thought if its only about a few smokes every now and then then it's no biggie and he's sure to quit oneday.
But he started to use more,switched to different types,tried new drugs,pills and heavy stuff and it never stopped moreover he needs more doses and more drugs. Instead of ocassionally smoking marijuana every now and then he uses pills and heavy drugs on daily basis.
Everytime i threaten to leave him he makes promises and say he would quit,guess what??? he never does.
As time goes by you cant set any boundaries,they start taking you for granted,they know that you never will leave or go anywhere consequently they keep using and never stop.
So based on my experience this is not the point where he stops drinking.
How you can help is stop enabling and convince him he needs help,read about enabling in this forum.
You also need to set boundaries,you can also read about it in the forum and finally to be informed try to get the books hello-kitty mentioned.
My prayers for you.keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
There is a book by Lundy Bancroft...something along the lines of "why he acts like that"
The book referred to above is called, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is written by a man who has spent many, many years working with men sentenced by courts to take domestic violence counseling. The author is honest, savvy and to the point. My DV counselor photocopied the first 3 chapters and gave them to me; I soon bought the whole book which is now dogeared and pencilmarked. An excellent book that I wholeheartedly recommend.
Here is a quote directly from the book that I posted a million years ago - I skimmed through my old posts because I think it would be very helpful to you at this point:
If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober. His substance abuse problems can thereby create a huge diversion from critical issues.
Alcohol does not change a person's fundamental value system. People's personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when they are sober. When you drink you may behave in ways that are silly or embarassing....but do you knock over old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store. Unlikely. People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attidudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they already have simmering below the surface."
--Lundy Bancroft
The book referred to above is called, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is written by a man who has spent many, many years working with men sentenced by courts to take domestic violence counseling. The author is honest, savvy and to the point. My DV counselor photocopied the first 3 chapters and gave them to me; I soon bought the whole book which is now dogeared and pencilmarked. An excellent book that I wholeheartedly recommend.
Here is a quote directly from the book that I posted a million years ago - I skimmed through my old posts because I think it would be very helpful to you at this point:
If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober. His substance abuse problems can thereby create a huge diversion from critical issues.
Alcohol does not change a person's fundamental value system. People's personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when they are sober. When you drink you may behave in ways that are silly or embarassing....but do you knock over old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store. Unlikely. People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attidudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they already have simmering below the surface."
--Lundy Bancroft
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This will continue to get worse. he now knows that if he makes shallow promises and sweet talks you that you will cave and let him back in your life. This is a dangerous situation.
There are two distinct issues, his drinking, and, his abuse. Both will continue to escalate.
You are young, you need him like you need another hole drilled in your head.
Keep posting, read the stickys read others posts, it will help.
There are two distinct issues, his drinking, and, his abuse. Both will continue to escalate.
You are young, you need him like you need another hole drilled in your head.
Keep posting, read the stickys read others posts, it will help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone so much! This is what I have been telling myself. I am a smart girl so why have I gotten myself in this situation? At times I am scared for my safety whether I leave or stay. Everything everyone has said has really hit me and I thank you. Please continue to tell me your experiences.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
For what it's worth.....I can't think of a time I have been so blunt with someone as I was with you, but truthfully I am scared for you.
I have never before told someone that I knew what was going to happen....maybe told them likely but never quite as sure when I first met them, anyways.
I think you are probably right to be scared to leave...that is the most dangerous time for a woman who is "hostage" to domestic abuse.
Please call your local domestic violence hotline when you are free to talk...then call another number after so that he can't dial last call back or star whatever it and know whom you phoned.
I am intelligent too.
I spent 5 years in a situation much like yours and it damned near killed me.
It was truly insane.
In the end, I moved over 1000 miles away to be safe.
Hopefully you can make changes in time to spare yourself a world of hurt, heartache, pain, legal problems, mental beatings and the humiliation, depression and isolation that accompany it, getting your college messed up, stalked, feel like and going crazy and helpless resignation and just trying to survive a day.
This is way too big of a problem to be involved in.
It will swallow you whole and spit you out.
You deserve so much better than that so I am crossing my fingers that you use your head in a way I didn't....and make a future for yourself right away instead of waiting until you are desperately going under for the last time the way I did.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
This is going to turn into a physical situation that is going to get way out of hand, you won't have any control and you are going to get hurt.
Every red flag in the world is waving.
I have never before told someone that I knew what was going to happen....maybe told them likely but never quite as sure when I first met them, anyways.
I think you are probably right to be scared to leave...that is the most dangerous time for a woman who is "hostage" to domestic abuse.
Please call your local domestic violence hotline when you are free to talk...then call another number after so that he can't dial last call back or star whatever it and know whom you phoned.
I am intelligent too.
I spent 5 years in a situation much like yours and it damned near killed me.
It was truly insane.
In the end, I moved over 1000 miles away to be safe.
Hopefully you can make changes in time to spare yourself a world of hurt, heartache, pain, legal problems, mental beatings and the humiliation, depression and isolation that accompany it, getting your college messed up, stalked, feel like and going crazy and helpless resignation and just trying to survive a day.
This is way too big of a problem to be involved in.
It will swallow you whole and spit you out.
You deserve so much better than that so I am crossing my fingers that you use your head in a way I didn't....and make a future for yourself right away instead of waiting until you are desperately going under for the last time the way I did.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
This is going to turn into a physical situation that is going to get way out of hand, you won't have any control and you are going to get hurt.
Every red flag in the world is waving.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by InTheMiddle 
Is there any books or references I can look up to help me learn more about what is going on? .
I do not agree with the author's politics but have found this oldie but goodie to be a classic. You can probably find a copy at the library or used on Amazon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Aw sweetie, please please talk to someone about this. Like a counselor or woman's group
ABUSE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. Emotional, verbal abuse usually escalates.
Given his history of abuse and trauma as a child, you are dealing with something way beyond the scope of just alcoholism. The alcohol is like pouring gasoline on a fire.
As someone pointed out, the drinking and abuse will get worse
I am scared for you as well, very scared in fact.
Please talk to a women's abuse group before it gets physical. Because it will.
ABUSE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. Emotional, verbal abuse usually escalates.
Given his history of abuse and trauma as a child, you are dealing with something way beyond the scope of just alcoholism. The alcohol is like pouring gasoline on a fire.
As someone pointed out, the drinking and abuse will get worse
I am scared for you as well, very scared in fact.
Please talk to a women's abuse group before it gets physical. Because it will.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
We are not going to beat up on you if you don't just up and follow our advice, please feel at home here...we're just genuinely scared for you.
We have seen alot that you haven't. YET is the keyword.
We have seen alot that you haven't. YET is the keyword.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I got myself into a mess, exabf was a drug addict,sex addict and alcoholic. Fearsome threesome. And, to top it off an abuser. It started out as a verbal abuser, then one night he pushed me and grabbed my arm. I called 911, they arrested him, I did not press charges, my bad.
Two months later he went nuts, threw my land line phone on the floor, took my computer cooler and jumped on it, then he threw his lunch, baloney sandwichs at me, the meat and mayo were running down my face. I called 911, and again he was arrested, however, this time I pressed charges, got a restraining order. He got out on bail and was pounding on my door, I would not let him in, he called the sheriff before I had a chance to...they came out and arrested him and off to prison he went, 16 months, for outstanding warrents.
My point please don't repeat my mistakes, be smarter than I am.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Two months later he went nuts, threw my land line phone on the floor, took my computer cooler and jumped on it, then he threw his lunch, baloney sandwichs at me, the meat and mayo were running down my face. I called 911, and again he was arrested, however, this time I pressed charges, got a restraining order. He got out on bail and was pounding on my door, I would not let him in, he called the sheriff before I had a chance to...they came out and arrested him and off to prison he went, 16 months, for outstanding warrents.
My point please don't repeat my mistakes, be smarter than I am.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Geez, I was in a good old boy county and every time he hurt me they arrested both of us on a he said, she said.
You never really know what is going to happen..there was nothing to predict the night he held me down pinned and pounded on the back of my head and then tied me up.
He'd been crazy on me before too...but this was a huge escalation, it wasn't preceeded by slaps in the prior months etc.
He usually had more effective methods for terrorizing me and keeping me in line.
I was actually adopting that line about something about the enemy you know...I didn't know I could be surprised like that.
I will always wonder IF I had had SR before or someone had given me the line to domestic abuse????
I will never know that, I suppose, but I do know I would have had some support from the isolation.
You never really know what is going to happen..there was nothing to predict the night he held me down pinned and pounded on the back of my head and then tied me up.
He'd been crazy on me before too...but this was a huge escalation, it wasn't preceeded by slaps in the prior months etc.
He usually had more effective methods for terrorizing me and keeping me in line.
I was actually adopting that line about something about the enemy you know...I didn't know I could be surprised like that.
I will always wonder IF I had had SR before or someone had given me the line to domestic abuse????
I will never know that, I suppose, but I do know I would have had some support from the isolation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by dollydo
I got myself into a mess, exabf was a drug addict,sex addict and alcoholic. Fearsome threesome. And, to top it off an abuser. It started out as a verbal abuser, then one night he pushed me and grabbed my arm. I called 911, they arrested him, I did not press charges, my bad.
Two months later he went nuts, threw my land line phone on the floor, took my computer cooler and jumped on it, then he threw his lunch, baloney sandwichs at me, the meat and mayo were running down my face. I called 911, and again he was arrested, however, this time I pressed charges, got a restraining order. He got out on bail and was pounding on my door, I would not let him in, he called the sheriff before I had a chance to...they came out and arrested him and off to prison he went, 16 months, for outstanding warrents.
My point please don't repeat my mistakes, be smarter than I am.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Two months later he went nuts, threw my land line phone on the floor, took my computer cooler and jumped on it, then he threw his lunch, baloney sandwichs at me, the meat and mayo were running down my face. I called 911, and again he was arrested, however, this time I pressed charges, got a restraining order. He got out on bail and was pounding on my door, I would not let him in, he called the sheriff before I had a chance to...they came out and arrested him and off to prison he went, 16 months, for outstanding warrents.
My point please don't repeat my mistakes, be smarter than I am.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Thank you again everyone. This post has given me an outlet for something I have kept from everyone a long time. I feel less in isolation. I am glad that you all are being blunt with me. I need to hear it. I know that you are not being judgmental of me and that this is probably the only place I may get that kind of support.
Everyday I think about how and when I will leave. I know I need to leave. But I'm concerned about how I will do it safely without letting my family, friends, or professors know about the trap I have gotten myself into. My Dad, although lives 7 hours away would drive here and create a mess, my mother is a lawyer and would make me press charges (she was a domestic violence prosecutor in the past), if my instructors or friends at school knew he would be kicked out of our program and then definitely come after me.
I have actually finished all my classes but stay in close contact with people from school in order to plan graduation. I'm currently looking for a job in the area I live in and back home where my Dad and the rest of my family live. My options are 1. to stay here in my current town and work for 6 months to save money while I live with my mother, then try to go back home after 6 months or 2. keep searching for a job back home now and stay with my grandmother for a while.
I haven't figured out which one is a safer option for me if I stay in this town for another 6 months, to stay with him or break it off? Because the job opportunities have not been pouring in like they have been here. Also, the place where I know has an interest in hiring me and I know I will work well with all the staff is also the place where he will be interning in about 2 months. What a disaster! I have one potential position about 30 min away from where my dad lives. I am hoping to God they will call me for an interview and I will fall in love with the company.
He knows that I am hoping to move in at least 6 months. He wants to be with me and work it out until then. There are so many things I love about him but then I think about how he is the totally wrong person for me. How can you love and hate someone so much? I never knew it was possible. But I've never been in a relationship with an alcoholic either. I never in my life thought I could get in a mess like this. Now I know that I will never judge someone for continuing an abusive relationship like this. And I know you all don't either. Thank you all so much for reading my extremely long posts. But everything I have written here is what I think about all the time as I go through my day.
Everyday I think about how and when I will leave. I know I need to leave. But I'm concerned about how I will do it safely without letting my family, friends, or professors know about the trap I have gotten myself into. My Dad, although lives 7 hours away would drive here and create a mess, my mother is a lawyer and would make me press charges (she was a domestic violence prosecutor in the past), if my instructors or friends at school knew he would be kicked out of our program and then definitely come after me.
I have actually finished all my classes but stay in close contact with people from school in order to plan graduation. I'm currently looking for a job in the area I live in and back home where my Dad and the rest of my family live. My options are 1. to stay here in my current town and work for 6 months to save money while I live with my mother, then try to go back home after 6 months or 2. keep searching for a job back home now and stay with my grandmother for a while.
I haven't figured out which one is a safer option for me if I stay in this town for another 6 months, to stay with him or break it off? Because the job opportunities have not been pouring in like they have been here. Also, the place where I know has an interest in hiring me and I know I will work well with all the staff is also the place where he will be interning in about 2 months. What a disaster! I have one potential position about 30 min away from where my dad lives. I am hoping to God they will call me for an interview and I will fall in love with the company.
He knows that I am hoping to move in at least 6 months. He wants to be with me and work it out until then. There are so many things I love about him but then I think about how he is the totally wrong person for me. How can you love and hate someone so much? I never knew it was possible. But I've never been in a relationship with an alcoholic either. I never in my life thought I could get in a mess like this. Now I know that I will never judge someone for continuing an abusive relationship like this. And I know you all don't either. Thank you all so much for reading my extremely long posts. But everything I have written here is what I think about all the time as I go through my day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Smart people do the must stupid things because of love. we are all here because of our passion. You are still smart you turned for help and realised it was all wrong,it took me three years to realise it but refused to believe it until i WAS FORCED to . Until i had nothing else to do.
I think you should let someone in about the whole sitiuation for your own safety in case he gets violent. I dont think you should change your future plans but you have to be very cautious in case you decide to break up with him . is it what you decided to do?
I think you should let someone in about the whole sitiuation for your own safety in case he gets violent. I dont think you should change your future plans but you have to be very cautious in case you decide to break up with him . is it what you decided to do?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
As my old sponsor once told me, "PurpleSquirrel, you would try to think your way out of a burning building. Who cares why its burning - just get out!"
Don't spend your time trying to figure out the mechanics of his abusive behavior, addiction issues, personality defects or family problems. Just get the hell out for now and protect yourself.
And don't worry about what everyone else will think. Better off them saying, "Wow - that was a close call. Good thing she got out in time" instead of, "She was too young to die". Sorry to be blunt but its the truth.
Don't spend your time trying to figure out the mechanics of his abusive behavior, addiction issues, personality defects or family problems. Just get the hell out for now and protect yourself.
And don't worry about what everyone else will think. Better off them saying, "Wow - that was a close call. Good thing she got out in time" instead of, "She was too young to die". Sorry to be blunt but its the truth.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
As my old sponsor once told me, "PurpleSquirrel, you would try to think your way out of a burning building. Who cares why its burning - just get out!"
Don't spend your time trying to figure out the mechanics of his abusive behavior, addiction issues, personality defects or family problems. Just get the hell out for now and protect yourself.
Don't spend your time trying to figure out the mechanics of his abusive behavior, addiction issues, personality defects or family problems. Just get the hell out for now and protect yourself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
