Co-dependant to my addict boyfriend
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Co-dependant to my addict boyfriend
This is my first post and my first time to admit i have a problem.I have been in a relationship with a drug addict for three years now,i discovered i have developed co-dependancy towards him besides being an enabler,the more he used the more i help out,he sometimes even blamed it on me by saying the reason he uses is to be with me to be able to make me happy . I'm very unhappy and i feel so much pain having to live with this burden . i keep lying,covering up hiding things for him because my family dont know about his addiction. I am doing great effort to fix things that i neglected my self,became totally insecure i dont even know if he loves me or not, i constantly feel he is cheating on me or he's not loyal as i am. I'm starting to feel that i have no will or power over my life . Two days before he's been out using,he called me and said the most ugly words he said if i left him he would show intimate pictures of us to everyone,i didnt know how to react i just hung up the phone,ignored his calls for days and when i confronted him after that he didnt even remember he said that . I dont know how to react to all that,despite all he does i still love him.please help me out.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so sorry for what brings you here....but you have come to a great place!
There are others much better with the words than I am so I am just going to say WELCOME!
There are posts at the top of this forum called stickies...I recommend reading them.
Just make yourself at home
and I will also share the 3 C's with you:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
There is a world of hurt living like that, I can "see" your deep pain.
There is help!
There are others much better with the words than I am so I am just going to say WELCOME!
There are posts at the top of this forum called stickies...I recommend reading them.
Just make yourself at home
and I will also share the 3 C's with you:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
There is a world of hurt living like that, I can "see" your deep pain.
There is help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Thanks alot for taking the time to read my post and to welcome me here.
I know i didnt cause it and that i cant control or cure it but i wish i feel so.
I also feel better already reading other peoples' posts and to see the support and love members share.
Thanks for feeling and sharing my pain.
I know i didnt cause it and that i cant control or cure it but i wish i feel so.
I also feel better already reading other peoples' posts and to see the support and love members share.
Thanks for feeling and sharing my pain.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
ah, sweetie...when I first came here I was so beat down, depressed and isolated...I was hanging on by an unraveling string of a rope.
I am still learning every day and I credit SR with saving my life. It really did.
I have a whole new life now and it has all the happiness and fun I can create and handle in it....and also peace and security, no more ugliness for me! I can't handle it.
I am still learning every day and I credit SR with saving my life. It really did.
I have a whole new life now and it has all the happiness and fun I can create and handle in it....and also peace and security, no more ugliness for me! I can't handle it.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 32
Welcome Lunaa...I too have been in love with an addict/alcoholic. It is not easy. The love and support of my friends here on SR has been amazing. You are not alone. Read a lot and post your feelings. It helps getting them out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
At one time, I could have written your post. And as hard as it is, and I know it is, you have to start looking out for yourself and doing what's best for you no matter which direction it takes you. It may take you far away from him and his addiction, but being a codie myself, I've discovered that it's the best thing - for you and for the addict.
I'm happy to say that my xbf is now in full recovery - going to meetings every day, fully involved in NA, sober for over a year now (with a small relapse then re-affirmation to recovery). He's working, paying bills, striving to move out of his mother's house and doing beautifully.
We are not together, however. I miss him and I still love him. I get anxious thinking I wanted all this that he is doing and for us to be together. It doesn't always happen that way, though. I've always wanted the best for him, but I could not achieve it for him; he had to do that on his own - with or without me. He is so dedicated to his recovery that he focuses completely on that and isn't dealing with romantic relationships right now. Maybe one day we can be together again, but I am moving on with my life no matter what direction it takes me. If it sees me in the direction of "us" again, then great, if not, then great! I am doing what I have to for ME. Finally.
My wish for you is that you come to love yourself as much as you may love him, and that you start wanting for yourself all those good things that aren't happening for you now. I'm in counseling (recovery) myself and it's done such a world of good for me. I hope you do what's best for you soon.
I'm happy to say that my xbf is now in full recovery - going to meetings every day, fully involved in NA, sober for over a year now (with a small relapse then re-affirmation to recovery). He's working, paying bills, striving to move out of his mother's house and doing beautifully.
We are not together, however. I miss him and I still love him. I get anxious thinking I wanted all this that he is doing and for us to be together. It doesn't always happen that way, though. I've always wanted the best for him, but I could not achieve it for him; he had to do that on his own - with or without me. He is so dedicated to his recovery that he focuses completely on that and isn't dealing with romantic relationships right now. Maybe one day we can be together again, but I am moving on with my life no matter what direction it takes me. If it sees me in the direction of "us" again, then great, if not, then great! I am doing what I have to for ME. Finally.
My wish for you is that you come to love yourself as much as you may love him, and that you start wanting for yourself all those good things that aren't happening for you now. I'm in counseling (recovery) myself and it's done such a world of good for me. I hope you do what's best for you soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by infiniti 
At one time, I could have written your post. And as hard as it is, and I know it is, you have to start looking out for yourself and doing what's best for you no matter which direction it takes you. It may take you far away from him and his addiction, but being a codie myself, I've discovered that it's the best thing - for you and for the addict.
I'm happy to say that my xbf is now in full recovery - going to meetings every day, fully involved in NA, sober for over a year now (with a small relapse then re-affirmation to recovery). He's working, paying bills, striving to move out of his mother's house and doing beautifully.
We are not together, however. I miss him and I still love him. I get anxious thinking I wanted all this that he is doing and for us to be together. It doesn't always happen that way, though. I've always wanted the best for him, but I could not achieve it for him; he had to do that on his own - with or without me. He is so dedicated to his recovery that he focuses completely on that and isn't dealing with romantic relationships right now. Maybe one day we can be together again, but I am moving on with my life no matter what direction it takes me. If it sees me in the direction of "us" again, then great, if not, then great! I am doing what I have to for ME. Finally.
My wish for you is that you come to love yourself as much as you may love him, and that you start wanting for yourself all those good things that aren't happening for you now. I'm in counseling (recovery) myself and it's done such a world of good for me. I hope you do what's best for you soon.
I'm happy to say that my xbf is now in full recovery - going to meetings every day, fully involved in NA, sober for over a year now (with a small relapse then re-affirmation to recovery). He's working, paying bills, striving to move out of his mother's house and doing beautifully.
We are not together, however. I miss him and I still love him. I get anxious thinking I wanted all this that he is doing and for us to be together. It doesn't always happen that way, though. I've always wanted the best for him, but I could not achieve it for him; he had to do that on his own - with or without me. He is so dedicated to his recovery that he focuses completely on that and isn't dealing with romantic relationships right now. Maybe one day we can be together again, but I am moving on with my life no matter what direction it takes me. If it sees me in the direction of "us" again, then great, if not, then great! I am doing what I have to for ME. Finally.
My wish for you is that you come to love yourself as much as you may love him, and that you start wanting for yourself all those good things that aren't happening for you now. I'm in counseling (recovery) myself and it's done such a world of good for me. I hope you do what's best for you soon.
I realise now i have to start looking out for myself and do what's best for me ,but it's so hard ,to be honest too i dont know if he would let me.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
I know it's hard. It's sometimes feels near impossible. But you can do it. I didn't think I could at one time. But I did.
I was once his liar, enabler, the person he used to be able to do drugs. I was there. I turned him in to his probation officer and had him put in jail for 4 months. It wasn't my place to do that, but I had stopped enabling by then, had read all sorts of information on his drug of choice and decided I didn't want him to die. So I went in the other (controlling) direction - I was going to heal him no matter what!
But it doesn't work that way. Putting him in jail did get him sober, and he's stayed sober. But there's a difference between "clean" time and "recovery". He is now in recovery but I didn't and couldn't do that for him. He had to come to that all on his own.
There's an old song by .38 Special called Hold On Loosely ... a verse in that song really speaks to me ...
"Just Hold On Loosely, but don't let go
If you cling to tightly,
you're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in"
I sing this to myself when I feel like I am worrying too much about staying clinging to my loved one, rather than taking care of myself and allowing things to just "BE".
You'll get there. I have faith that you will!
I was once his liar, enabler, the person he used to be able to do drugs. I was there. I turned him in to his probation officer and had him put in jail for 4 months. It wasn't my place to do that, but I had stopped enabling by then, had read all sorts of information on his drug of choice and decided I didn't want him to die. So I went in the other (controlling) direction - I was going to heal him no matter what!
But it doesn't work that way. Putting him in jail did get him sober, and he's stayed sober. But there's a difference between "clean" time and "recovery". He is now in recovery but I didn't and couldn't do that for him. He had to come to that all on his own.
There's an old song by .38 Special called Hold On Loosely ... a verse in that song really speaks to me ...
"Just Hold On Loosely, but don't let go
If you cling to tightly,
you're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in"
I sing this to myself when I feel like I am worrying too much about staying clinging to my loved one, rather than taking care of myself and allowing things to just "BE".
You'll get there. I have faith that you will!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Your faith gives me strength.I PRAY that i get there.
I'm happy that you are taking care of yourself now and that he has recovered.Things dont always go the way we want them to.
I loved the song by the way
Thanks.
I'm happy that you are taking care of yourself now and that he has recovered.Things dont always go the way we want them to.
I loved the song by the way
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
hi lunaa,
this is my first day on here as well..and i can only say god i know where you´re coming from. it´s my life exactly right now with my ex. isn´t it funny, how we´re all such different people, but being with an addict puts us in almost the same exact position. it´s sad and depressing in a way, but so comforting as well. im so thankful that when i felt like tearing my ex´s heart out when his eyes shut while we´re watching tv, the only way an opiate addicts eyes would, and only the way someone being with an addict would know, part of me felt bad, or that i was being too hard on him. as many amazing girlfriends as i have, they will never know the horrible gut feeling when you see him staring at you with glossy eyes and a mouth half open telling you he hasn´t used. what a mother freaking liar! and im so mad, but so happy we share in the pain--because we do.
this is my first day on here as well..and i can only say god i know where you´re coming from. it´s my life exactly right now with my ex. isn´t it funny, how we´re all such different people, but being with an addict puts us in almost the same exact position. it´s sad and depressing in a way, but so comforting as well. im so thankful that when i felt like tearing my ex´s heart out when his eyes shut while we´re watching tv, the only way an opiate addicts eyes would, and only the way someone being with an addict would know, part of me felt bad, or that i was being too hard on him. as many amazing girlfriends as i have, they will never know the horrible gut feeling when you see him staring at you with glossy eyes and a mouth half open telling you he hasn´t used. what a mother freaking liar! and im so mad, but so happy we share in the pain--because we do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by enoughandenough
hi lunaa,
this is my first day on here as well..and i can only say god i know where you´re coming from. it´s my life exactly right now with my ex. isn´t it funny, how we´re all such different people, but being with an addict puts us in almost the same exact position. it´s sad and depressing in a way, but so comforting as well. im so thankful that when i felt like tearing my ex´s heart out when his eyes shut while we´re watching tv, the only way an opiate addicts eyes would, and only the way someone being with an addict would know, part of me felt bad, or that i was being too hard on him. as many amazing girlfriends as i have, they will never know the horrible gut feeling when you see him staring at you with glossy eyes and a mouth half open telling you he hasn´t used. what a mother freaking liar! and im so mad, but so happy we share in the pain--because we do.
this is my first day on here as well..and i can only say god i know where you´re coming from. it´s my life exactly right now with my ex. isn´t it funny, how we´re all such different people, but being with an addict puts us in almost the same exact position. it´s sad and depressing in a way, but so comforting as well. im so thankful that when i felt like tearing my ex´s heart out when his eyes shut while we´re watching tv, the only way an opiate addicts eyes would, and only the way someone being with an addict would know, part of me felt bad, or that i was being too hard on him. as many amazing girlfriends as i have, they will never know the horrible gut feeling when you see him staring at you with glossy eyes and a mouth half open telling you he hasn´t used. what a mother freaking liar! and im so mad, but so happy we share in the pain--because we do.
As much as i love him,when i see his glossy eyes and the mouth half open you just mentioned all i can feel is HATE . Hate for him,for this life,for the constant pursuit of being intoxicated and away.
I'm so glad i'm here .
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by infiniti
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in"
And a whole lot of space to breathe in"
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
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Originally Posted by steve1840
this line is making me choke up. i have tried SO hard to be that person for her and no matter what the addiction does to a person, i know deep down inside her somewhere i mean a whole lot to her. but htat part about hte space, that's the tough one. it's hard to give a person their space when that space is in a ghetto filled with bad things. i cannot believe .38 special is making me tear up. i'll never admit to that!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by steve1840
this line is making me choke up. i have tried SO hard to be that person for her and no matter what the addiction does to a person, i know deep down inside her somewhere i mean a whole lot to her. but htat part about hte space, that's the tough one. it's hard to give a person their space when that space is in a ghetto filled with bad things. i cannot believe .38 special is making me tear up. i'll never admit to that!
But with an addict, they have to come to recovery in their own time and space. Although it's hard, holding on loosely is the best way to be supportive. Let them know you are there and that you care about them, but it's necessary to give them enough rope to hang themselves because only in that moment will they have the opportunity to realize how much they need recovery. It's the hardest thing to do as a loved one, codependent or whatever.
Hang in there Steve!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Long island, NY
Posts: 18
Dragged through it all.
I wish my addict bf had been honest with me and himself. he never took his addiction seriously, maybe he never wanted to. All the while he was making me promises and telling me what i wanted to hear, so I wouldn't leave him. We lived together after only dating a few months. I was oblivious to the signs and didn't realize he had a problem and was lying to me until months of living together. he used every angle and every lie in the book to make me think nothing was wrong or that he was clean. he relapsed at least 6 or 7 times int he 2 years I was with him. I have never used or been around someone with a problem so I believed him when he said he was clean and stronger then ever. As I got smarter he became more honest. This month marks 2 years I've been involved with him. he went from having a great job, money in the bank, a nice place to live, new vehicles. to losing everything, stealing from his family and now sleeping in his vehicle that his father gave to him because he lost his.
We lived together, I had no choice but to make him leave. I realized that giving in to him was only enabling him to ignore his problem and fake everyone into believing he was clean. he would stay clean for a little while, finally he started methadone maintenance and was able to stay clean for longer periods, 8 months, 6 months, but he would always find a reason to go back to using. As of now he is back on the methadone, a higher dose because of dirty urines, he sleeps in his vehicle and drives a taxi for money.
As far as me, I have lost numerous jobs, either from taking too much time off or just lack of motivation to go because Im so depressed and mentally drained.
I have always in the past dropped everything to help him, id always go pick him up from detox and bring him home, motivate him to get back on track, take care of him and ignore myself. I put myself in a hole financially and am now on the verge of losing my apt, my truck, getting everything disconnected etc. I should be starting a new job today, instead om sitting home depressed and un motivated.
I have tried to tell him over and over that this in unfair to me and i deserve better, he agrees and then says that he can't live without me. I'm his world. he admits to having a problem and needing to focus on taking care of himself and doing things to stay clean but he never does anything exceot go get his methadone everyday.
He tells me how much he loves me and hates himself for what hes done and how he doesen't know why he cant stay clean or why he keeps hurting me and himself. How he wants to marry me. of course it hurts to hear all that. I believed him and trusted him and just keep getting hurt. I am trying to be his friend but he has no sense of boundaries and can't detach. it;s like hes clinging to me as his only hope. he doesen't realize how much this hurts me and how he is dragging me down. Sorry for the long post, had to get it out. Friends and family are tired of hearing it and will never understand. Any advice would be appreciated.
We lived together, I had no choice but to make him leave. I realized that giving in to him was only enabling him to ignore his problem and fake everyone into believing he was clean. he would stay clean for a little while, finally he started methadone maintenance and was able to stay clean for longer periods, 8 months, 6 months, but he would always find a reason to go back to using. As of now he is back on the methadone, a higher dose because of dirty urines, he sleeps in his vehicle and drives a taxi for money.
As far as me, I have lost numerous jobs, either from taking too much time off or just lack of motivation to go because Im so depressed and mentally drained.
I have always in the past dropped everything to help him, id always go pick him up from detox and bring him home, motivate him to get back on track, take care of him and ignore myself. I put myself in a hole financially and am now on the verge of losing my apt, my truck, getting everything disconnected etc. I should be starting a new job today, instead om sitting home depressed and un motivated.
I have tried to tell him over and over that this in unfair to me and i deserve better, he agrees and then says that he can't live without me. I'm his world. he admits to having a problem and needing to focus on taking care of himself and doing things to stay clean but he never does anything exceot go get his methadone everyday.
He tells me how much he loves me and hates himself for what hes done and how he doesen't know why he cant stay clean or why he keeps hurting me and himself. How he wants to marry me. of course it hurts to hear all that. I believed him and trusted him and just keep getting hurt. I am trying to be his friend but he has no sense of boundaries and can't detach. it;s like hes clinging to me as his only hope. he doesen't realize how much this hurts me and how he is dragging me down. Sorry for the long post, had to get it out. Friends and family are tired of hearing it and will never understand. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4
It's a really big step to admit to yourself that you are actually codependent and an enabler
it took me a really long time, my boyfriend of 4 years is actually on rehab right now he has been there for 4 months now. I understand what you're going through and hope you are strong enough to make the right decision... you should focus on yourself!
it took me a really long time, my boyfriend of 4 years is actually on rehab right now he has been there for 4 months now. I understand what you're going through and hope you are strong enough to make the right decision... you should focus on yourself!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hopeheals-
wow, that is almost my story exactly. i too was totlally dragged down mentally, financially, and physically. i've only recently started to set up and enforce boundaries, but it is hard. i get so close to letting my gf go, but at the last second i hold on again, just prolonging whatever it is that will be. i hope things get better for you. start some threads if you'd like, you will receive many helpful responses.
wow, that is almost my story exactly. i too was totlally dragged down mentally, financially, and physically. i've only recently started to set up and enforce boundaries, but it is hard. i get so close to letting my gf go, but at the last second i hold on again, just prolonging whatever it is that will be. i hope things get better for you. start some threads if you'd like, you will receive many helpful responses.
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