steve1840

these questions will concern her. i know i feel something changing for the positive inside me. i am seeing and thinking more clearly- almost overnight. i have done a couple of things i havent done in a while, and while it was done only half-heartedly it was a positive step- for me.

i can look back and say that i did not handle things properly, but i can also say i handled them the only way i knew how.

i understand i should not be concerned with what she is thinking right now, but i am still in a nascant stages of this and am not completely detached emotionally and i still have these thoughts to tackle:

the last time i saw her, we set a time to meet, but she did not show. i am not taking that personally, but it was an action that has allowed me to step back

1. do i try to find her to tell her i need to detach. i know that seems contadictory to detaching, but i dont wantto just passivley disappear.

2. should i let her know that i am willing to let her live her life and if she makes it to getting clean, that i still want to know her?

3. i feel like a weak man for not detaching when she went back to the streets to "work." i knew there was nothing i could do to stop her so i figured i would support her as best i could and she seemed very grateful for that. I don't want her seeing me as that kind of person, i am not a total passive pushover (except with her sometimes). i do not want to totally detach with her possibly seeing me as nothing more than enabling pushover.
after reading around here, i am afraid that i might have damaged the way she see's me. on the other hand- she has claimed she felt i was strong being able to handle such circumstances.

4. with that said- do i try to have a "last talk" with her? nothing long and serious, just to say a good bye, see you later, let her know i love her but need to take care of myself.

part of me says- just let it be. she will call when she needs something or does wantto talk.

the other part says- let her know that i am letting her live her life the way she wants. it does not change my opinion of her or lessen my love, but that i realize i love her enough to let her be. i never really got to say something like this to her and do not know if it is important to.

(i know my concerns should be about me, that will be the next thread)

steve1840

i really am feeling ready to detach. i jsut want ot do it the right way

cece1960

Steve,
I fear that you still may see detaching as a way to get her to do what you'd like her to do. There is no right or wrong way to detach, it just...is.

And detaching isn't a way to get the results that you want.

We detach emotionally and often physically to prevent their actions from ruining our lives. I've had to physically remove myself from my sons behaviors. I couldn't stand by and watch him destroy his life and I never really mastered the emotional detachment with him being around.

Its rather simple in its concept...if you don't want to "see" it or "know" of it first hand, then remove yourself from the situation.

The choice is yours.

suki44883

Callie hit the nail on the head in your other thread. Your friend is BSing you. Sure she sounds sincere, but it is all BS. She has used you and is continuing to use you. You asked, so I'll respond...start NOW. This second. No more contact with her. Don't explain anything. Right now, go NO CONTACT.

wicked

Steve, this is it, read the above post again and again.
Let go now.
Right now.
This second.

laurie6781

(((((Steve)))))

GREAT ADVICE ABOVE!!!!!!

Answers to questions 1 thru 4:

1. NO

2. NO

3. NO

4. NO


NO CONTACT.

You do not need to explain, that is just an EXCUSE on your part to see her again.

She will contact you when she is clean and sober and will try before she is.

NO CONTACT

J M H O but it works best for YOU and for her also in the long run.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Let her go. Don't try and come up with a bunch of reasons to contact her. She is using you.

There is nothing to explain, nothing to talk about. NO CONTACT.

Hands off the addict!

Callie

not completely detached emotionally

Steve you are at the polar opposite of detachment. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd advise you to .....l i s t e n..... to what people here are telling you. Let me ask you this. What's the purpose of meeting her? Is it to give her money, a ride, a shower, food, to wash her clothes, give her a place to sleep, run her errands? What does SHE get out of meeting you, because I guarantee you that there has to be something...and it's not your smiling face. She's getting something or she wouldn't bother.

Please don't take this the wrong way and I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're not getting a clear picture of just HOW selfish an addict is. She is using you. I know this is hard, but you're spinning in circles with all of the posts - it's clear. BTDT and it stinks. I thought I was so far ahead when I wasn't. It took me about 2.5 years to get where I am at and MANY here @ SR say I have LONG way to go. (zip it cynical lol)

Click on my name and review some of my initial posts here. I as you thought my addict was so different. Hopefully you take this the right way. I understand the need to tell her of you going no contact because of xyz. If that will actually HELP YOU GO no contact than by all means tell her. IMHO. But you NEED to go no contact or this insanity will never end.

From a previous post to you from me... Please read it again...

Steve,

My addict ran the same route as your addict did for about 2 years. Wanting treatment, getting treatment, leaving treatment, gonna go back, no beds, needed more time to 'finish up loose ends'. The I'm sorry's, I'm ready, I'm done. All the while doing the same thing over and over again. He's clean now, but he'll admit that he had absolutely NO intention of going. He went to meetings, heck he even 'chaired' a meeting that was new to our area. He was high when he did it. She's bs'ing you Steve. She's stringing you along. I can see clearly in your posts as I too have lived through and wanted so desperately to believe that he meant what he said.

What you've endured can go on for YEARS. It did for me. I pray that you're stronger than I was to remove yourself. I pray that you can learn something quicker than I did by sharing my experience.

steve1840

well done everyone.
thanks. i really am at a point wher the detaching is not as a way for me to control her or telling her about it as an excude to see her. i really have the beginnings of change going on. i am really tired of it all and want out.