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Old 09-22-2010, 09:26 AM
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something new

i might surprise a lot of you with this thread, so here goes:


i am finally getting it. not all of it, but some of it. enough to begin something new.

when i told her almost two weeks ago, she had a choice to use or get help, she chose to use and therefore could no longer stay with me. the very life i tries to keep her from she is back in. and, as you all know i have continued trying to lead her.

even though i have been rather whiney and struggling this past week, i at least had a mental plan. she had been talking to people about rehab and i figured i would give her this week to see her actions and use that to help me. we met as planned a couple times. sometimes she looked well others not so much. tuesday she made it to her appointment on her own. it felt even better that she did it on her own. but, she was supposed to meet me after work, but did not. that was a sign. she did not make it to her appointment today. that was another sign.

i am hopeful that at least on her own she found a place to go and will maybe get there someday. but this has allowed me to start getting off the roller coaster. i think she has settled back into her ways and i am able to get back to my things.

i felt a little relief last night not having to go through anything, but at the same time i felt a little guilty feeling that way. i d ofeel that i am starting to let go though and let her live her life and that makes me feel better about living my own life again.

(i'll post a couple follow up questions shortly)
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Old 09-22-2010, 09:33 AM
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(((Steve))) - I DO think you're starting to "get it" I know how hard it is to hear that letting someone "go" (do they're own thing) is the best thing for them. I wouldn't believe it for DECADES!

I remember thinking "but you don't understand!!" and thinking people were being harsh. I now realize that they were actually very compassionate, just trying to save ME some of the grief THEY had been through.

I was a very slow learner, still slip backwards, sometimes. However, I promise you...when you can finally let go of HER outcome and focus on YOUR life, you'll be amazed at how freeing it is.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-22-2010, 09:37 AM
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Steve-

Just so that you know, I have personally seen addicts "play" the rehab card.

I once heard one say "I went to rehab for you." For me? What?!? Not me, never for me. They're supposed to go for themselves. Anyway, they dangle it like a trophy to their codependents, in order to manipulate the codependents and keep them exactly where they want them. Steve, with all due respect, I believe that you are being played.

God has his hands in all things, and that when her time is right she will go. Not for you, not for her parents, not for anyone but herself, and she will go when she is ready and not one minute before.

The people that have the "God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers have gotten it all wrong. God is the pilot and we are along for the ride. So just relax, sit back and enjoy the ride, because God loves you and will take care of you. Please try to love yourself enough to let her go.
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:13 AM
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Steve, I agree you're close to getting it. Have you read any of the topics on detaching? I was in the Friends and Families of Alcoholics a couple of months ago and found an incredible topic about boundaries. My first thought was how healthy boundaries depict detachment so perfectly:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your
relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be
responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.

COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either
overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your
relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.

RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and
virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.

Do you notice that each point starts with YOU, not them, they, she or he? Detaching and boundaries are all about us as individuals
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:47 AM
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You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.


Bingo!
this is the one that trips me up. always has.
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Old 09-22-2010, 03:53 PM
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The way I see it, the only thing you should feel guilty about is your persistant enabling.
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Old 09-22-2010, 10:02 PM
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(((Steve))) - I think MOST of us fear rejection and abandonment. I know I did. I finally realized they were rejecting and abandoning me, by using...THEY weren't there for me, this person who preferred to be high, and not deal with life, was there.

Keep working on it, sweetie. If you don't work it out, you'll continue to, usually subconsciously, seek people who aren't there for you. Trust me...btdt

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:12 AM
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Morning Steve

Hate she didn't get to find her way to seek help yet - that is very sad - just as it is sad when all our A's keep walking away from the opportunities for help.

Although we may have been a little blunt, harsh or tough - I know I truly prayed that she would seek help and that both of you would be able to find recovery and help so that y'all could save your relationship

I'm a sucker for a "Happily Ever After" - lol

But what I have learned is that we can make our own "Happily as I wanna be" - That is what I had to do. Looks like that is the opportunity for you today and you are embracing it.

Keep working on those boundaries and your own self-care -

You are doing just fine - improving ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

PINK HUGS!
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:38 AM
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I'm new here,so maybe i dont know the whole story but i read your other post( update...) . You want to let go but cant,out of guilt and because you care about her. But you have nothing to feel guilty about,its the choices she made.
Does supporting her more and doing more for her guarantees she become a better person? 'm telling you this because i'ts what i keep telling myself.hope it helps. and i hope things get better for you.
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