New to this life and this forum..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: California
Posts: 23
New to this life and this forum..
Hello everyone!
I just wanted to introduce myself so I wasn't a stranger if I start jumping in on threads. I feel fortunate enough to have found this forum. I am the girlfriend of a heroin addict. He is a lovely person with a bad problem. He has been to rehab 3 times (left prematurely each time), has been clean on his own for as much as 8 months but of course has relapsed each time. He was clean most of this summer while we were traveling but started using again the day after he got back home. He has been using sporadically for the past several weeks. He is going back to rehab on Monday.
I look forward to getting to know all of you better. I am sending positive vibes to all of you...
Fondly,
S
I just wanted to introduce myself so I wasn't a stranger if I start jumping in on threads. I feel fortunate enough to have found this forum. I am the girlfriend of a heroin addict. He is a lovely person with a bad problem. He has been to rehab 3 times (left prematurely each time), has been clean on his own for as much as 8 months but of course has relapsed each time. He was clean most of this summer while we were traveling but started using again the day after he got back home. He has been using sporadically for the past several weeks. He is going back to rehab on Monday.
I look forward to getting to know all of you better. I am sending positive vibes to all of you...
Fondly,
S
we are family here...ask and read...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey there.....I'm the mom of a meth addict who recently began dabbling in heroin as well. Welcome to SR. Lots of great info in the stickies up above. I'll look forward to getting to know you better.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: California
Posts: 23
Thank you all very much for your kind welcomes and thoughts. It's so nice to be in a safe place where people can understand and don't judge. I have only told 2 people in my life about his addiction. I don't really care what people think about me being with an addict, but I'm more concerned about people judging him. I guess this may be a common characteristic of people dealing with this situation, covering for or protecting the addict. I am not unrealistic, I know that he has to want the help and do it for himself. I do believe he wants it, I just hope this time is the time he tries to stick it out for his entire rehab instead of jetting when he gets stircrazy or "homesick."
There are two things I wanted to open up for discussion on this thread...
(1) He bought some on Sunday night (we had one of our first arguments, which I guess was a trigger so he left the house for an hour and apparently he went and met up with his heroin buddy -- he usually shoots up with the same guy). This is when things came to a head with me and his family and he decided he wanted to go to rehab again. He knows he can't keep going like this and can't do it on his own. He tells me the truth about some things and has admitted he has more. He is exhibiting what I understand to be typical addict behavior, in that he says he needs to use what he has as some sort of "closure" before rehab Monday. It's almost like a ritual, they can't just flush it down the toilet. He did this a couple of weeks ago when he wanted to go to an outpatient program. He wanted to finish using what he had, which he did, and then the outpatient program wouldn't even take him because of his history of jetting on inpatient rehabs and recent cycle of abuse. I would just like to hear your thoughts about this closure and whether this is something that really is typically seen in addicts heading off to rehab...
(2) I am a very strong woman. I have had a history of being a codie, but went through some great therapy that basically made me a new person. I was doing very well and felt a twinge of worry the minute I met my boyfriend and he disclosed to me at the time that he was a "recovering heroin addict." I even laughed the night we met and told him he was a trainwreck. We still laugh about it, it's just one of the light spots when the going gets rough. As much as I knew it could get hairy since he was an addict, I still fell for him. He was about 2 months clean when we met and I believe he was only clean because of he was traveling and then we continued on traveling together all summer, he just didn't have the resources to get the heroin. I worry that I'm going back down the path of being a codie, I'm just confused. In one way, I see it as being supportive, being the best friend of and a girlfriend of a very sweet guy with a very bad problem. And I think I should give him a chance to straighten it up in rehab and try to live some in the real world down the road and then start making judgements or decisions about whether I think it will work or if he'll stay off of it. Is it that or am I starting down the road of feeling responsible for someone and their life and I'm having a hard time giving it up and not putting my foot down.... Does anyone else have these fears/thoughts/concerns??
(((Lots of hugs)))
S
There are two things I wanted to open up for discussion on this thread...
(1) He bought some on Sunday night (we had one of our first arguments, which I guess was a trigger so he left the house for an hour and apparently he went and met up with his heroin buddy -- he usually shoots up with the same guy). This is when things came to a head with me and his family and he decided he wanted to go to rehab again. He knows he can't keep going like this and can't do it on his own. He tells me the truth about some things and has admitted he has more. He is exhibiting what I understand to be typical addict behavior, in that he says he needs to use what he has as some sort of "closure" before rehab Monday. It's almost like a ritual, they can't just flush it down the toilet. He did this a couple of weeks ago when he wanted to go to an outpatient program. He wanted to finish using what he had, which he did, and then the outpatient program wouldn't even take him because of his history of jetting on inpatient rehabs and recent cycle of abuse. I would just like to hear your thoughts about this closure and whether this is something that really is typically seen in addicts heading off to rehab...
(2) I am a very strong woman. I have had a history of being a codie, but went through some great therapy that basically made me a new person. I was doing very well and felt a twinge of worry the minute I met my boyfriend and he disclosed to me at the time that he was a "recovering heroin addict." I even laughed the night we met and told him he was a trainwreck. We still laugh about it, it's just one of the light spots when the going gets rough. As much as I knew it could get hairy since he was an addict, I still fell for him. He was about 2 months clean when we met and I believe he was only clean because of he was traveling and then we continued on traveling together all summer, he just didn't have the resources to get the heroin. I worry that I'm going back down the path of being a codie, I'm just confused. In one way, I see it as being supportive, being the best friend of and a girlfriend of a very sweet guy with a very bad problem. And I think I should give him a chance to straighten it up in rehab and try to live some in the real world down the road and then start making judgements or decisions about whether I think it will work or if he'll stay off of it. Is it that or am I starting down the road of feeling responsible for someone and their life and I'm having a hard time giving it up and not putting my foot down.... Does anyone else have these fears/thoughts/concerns??
(((Lots of hugs)))
S
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to S/R BigIsland.
It's a tough, tough thing being a heroin addict. It is a tough, tough thing loving one.
The man who has in my life of 50 years, been MY love of my life, was a heroin addict. I don't think I even knew when/how much he was using until it got out of control and he also began habitually using other substances as well. He was (almost) always kind and gentle, and respectful of me to my face. But the lies and living a secret life was really not respectful. I know that he hated the life, but he kept going back, so ingrained in who he was, was his addiction. He went all the way through many rehabs, some lasting several months.
Now that I am free of him and the frequently torturous pain of living with that, I sleep well through the night, I socialize with healthy people, and I am not obsessing about this man and how I can help save him. It is true freedom.
I wish all good things for you. Please keep coming 'round.
It's a tough, tough thing being a heroin addict. It is a tough, tough thing loving one.
The man who has in my life of 50 years, been MY love of my life, was a heroin addict. I don't think I even knew when/how much he was using until it got out of control and he also began habitually using other substances as well. He was (almost) always kind and gentle, and respectful of me to my face. But the lies and living a secret life was really not respectful. I know that he hated the life, but he kept going back, so ingrained in who he was, was his addiction. He went all the way through many rehabs, some lasting several months.
Now that I am free of him and the frequently torturous pain of living with that, I sleep well through the night, I socialize with healthy people, and I am not obsessing about this man and how I can help save him. It is true freedom.
I wish all good things for you. Please keep coming 'round.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: California
Posts: 23
Coffeedrinker,
Thank you for briefly sharing your history of living with and loving an addict. My situation is very similar to yours in the fact that he is kind, gentle, respectful and loving to my face. He is even moreso when he is under the influence of heroin. It's to the point of what I read in the past, which is that you begin to like them more ON the drugs than OFF even though you hate the life. But like you, the lies and secret life are very hard. It's been trying to say the least.
Sleeping well through the night... WOW! That is definitely an improvement over my current state of lying awake in bed all night, every night wondering how to handle it, worried for his safety and what exactly I should do for my life.
If you would be willing, I'd like to talk to you a little more in private. He has been using this site as well and I need my privacy in dealing with this issue. I tried to send you a message, but it says I must have 5 posts first. Maybe if you tried private messaging me first?
Thanks again for your reply!
Warmly,
S
Thank you for briefly sharing your history of living with and loving an addict. My situation is very similar to yours in the fact that he is kind, gentle, respectful and loving to my face. He is even moreso when he is under the influence of heroin. It's to the point of what I read in the past, which is that you begin to like them more ON the drugs than OFF even though you hate the life. But like you, the lies and secret life are very hard. It's been trying to say the least.
Sleeping well through the night... WOW! That is definitely an improvement over my current state of lying awake in bed all night, every night wondering how to handle it, worried for his safety and what exactly I should do for my life.
If you would be willing, I'd like to talk to you a little more in private. He has been using this site as well and I need my privacy in dealing with this issue. I tried to send you a message, but it says I must have 5 posts first. Maybe if you tried private messaging me first?
Thanks again for your reply!
Warmly,
S
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Palm Springs, Ca
Posts: 24
Thank God for the internet right now. I read this and I feel like you just told my story. I am also a strong, independant woman who was codependant, went through therapy and BAM, guess who's bf is a heroin addict, who just relapsed?
Tonight I have to tell him he has to leave because he is hurting me and I don't think I am strong enough to do it. I love him so much, but I cannot continue to be lied to and used.
He is the kindest, gentlest, smartest, sweetest man I've ever been with...I feel like he's my soul mate...yet he's willing to lie/cheat and steal from me to get his fix. What the f kind of sick life joke is that...
Tonight I have to tell him he has to leave because he is hurting me and I don't think I am strong enough to do it. I love him so much, but I cannot continue to be lied to and used.
He is the kindest, gentlest, smartest, sweetest man I've ever been with...I feel like he's my soul mate...yet he's willing to lie/cheat and steal from me to get his fix. What the f kind of sick life joke is that...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: California
Posts: 23
Wnts- Thanks for writing tonight. This is a good place to come when you need to get these things off of your chest and need advice. I actually just walked in the door from Al-Anon. It really does help. Is he doing anything that is dangerous to you right now (physically, not emotionally)? If not, I would suggest going to some meetings before you make a big decision unless you are 100% sure you are done with it. It definitely is a very hard life. Like you, I am absolutely sick of the lies, secret life, using me, etc. And also like you, my boyfriend is my soulmate and is a really really amazing guy. He treats me better than any other boyfriend I've ever had as far as how loving, gentle, etc he is. I think a lot of the times when I feel used or manipulated, he has no idea he's even doing it. That is the addiction. However, I won't allow his addiction to ruin my life. I connected with a few people at the meeting tonight and I know I'm doing the right things for now. On Monday, I flew back from Austin where we were living together to Virginia where I still had a house (thank god)... Telling him that he really needed help and since he had already said he was going to rehab this coming Monday, I told him he needed to focus on that and I needed some "quiet" time. I didn't break up with him, but I have my safe distance right now. It really is allowing me to put things in perspective and figure out what I need/want to do. It's so easy to become codependent with addicts. Especially if you are like me, very compassionate and always wanting to put others first and help people. I'll be up for a little while, so feel free to post again or private message me. I'm here for you!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Bigisland, I'm also new here. My boyfriend does the same closure thing you mentioned ,he uses before each and every time he is supposed to quit or decided to quit. i personally feel that this kind of behaviour doesnt indicate or represent a sincere desire and will to quit. i dont know if that is right but i feel it's an excuse for them to use another time.every time they use it's for a reason .
Like you i cannot sleep at night and my god what you said about liking them more when they use is very true. My addict boyfriend has a temper and he tends to be violent,when he uses he is calm i find it easier to deal with him in that state though sometimes i hate the way he talks and the things he doea when he is high.
Thanks for posting and sharing.
Like you i cannot sleep at night and my god what you said about liking them more when they use is very true. My addict boyfriend has a temper and he tends to be violent,when he uses he is calm i find it easier to deal with him in that state though sometimes i hate the way he talks and the things he doea when he is high.
Thanks for posting and sharing.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
OMG THANK GOD I FOUND THIS! this is exactly my situation. the closure the lies, but the wonderful person. i finally broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago, because enough is enough. he took a week and got high..then went to rehab 2 weeks ago. i feel so lost sometimes loving him and hating him. he's amazing amazing when he's sober, and this time is different for him. he actually got a sponsor and is involved in the program. but i really am trying to get to a point where regardless of what he's doing, i need to be okay. it is so freaking relieving hearing about other women in the same situation. i feel like i am driving myself crazy in my head trying to remember all of his lies and asking him about every detail. im so happy im here with you ladies. i hate drugs and most of the time i feel like i hate him
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by enoughandenough 
OMG THANK GOD I FOUND THIS! this is exactly my situation. the closure the lies, but the wonderful person. i finally broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago, because enough is enough. he took a week and got high..then went to rehab 2 weeks ago. i feel so lost sometimes loving him and hating him. he's amazing amazing when he's sober, and this time is different for him. he actually got a sponsor and is involved in the program. but i really am trying to get to a point where regardless of what he's doing, i need to be okay. it is so freaking relieving hearing about other women in the same situation. i feel like i am driving myself crazy in my head trying to remember all of his lies and asking him about every detail. im so happy im here with you ladies. i hate drugs and most of the time i feel like i hate him
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 9
hi big island-- i'm new also. ive been in a 3 year relationship with an awesome guy who also has a heroin addiction (which has now spread into xanax too, since he's began a methadone program, but that's beside the point).
the closure thing you mentioned is spot on. each time he has to use what he has.. and like lunaa said i think it's evident that they are not ready for recovery.
im very new to the site, but feel free to talk or vent any time.
thank you for posting.. it's nice to know that i'm not alone.
love,
orchid
the closure thing you mentioned is spot on. each time he has to use what he has.. and like lunaa said i think it's evident that they are not ready for recovery.
im very new to the site, but feel free to talk or vent any time.
thank you for posting.. it's nice to know that i'm not alone.
love,
orchid
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
I am a new member too. I haven't really been able to post because I have to wait 7 days? Anyways, as I read all the posts and different threads I keep saying OMG to myself! I am glad I found this site! I wish I had found it two years ago. I have been down roads I never imagined I would travel. I have gone through all the emotions. It has been 3 years since the life I thought I had crumbled, 2 years since I have lived with him. It gets easier in many ways (I am a much stronger person than I ever realized) but I have a daughter with him so I still see him when he comes to visit her (which is about once a week). It was just this past weekend and my first post here that I realize enough is enough. He is not sober, has never truly attempted recovery, I must let go. It is so hard. I am like a yo-you. The ride has to stop and I have to just let go. The one thing I have learned is to TRUST YOUR GUT. Don't let your heart get in the way.
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