"You just don't understand"
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Knoxville
Posts: 13
"You just don't understand"
That is what she told me this morning..."You just don't understand" I had brought up the fact that for the third month in a row her Klonipen prescription was misused.
July. Took so many Klonipen could not remember speaking to people the previous day. Ran out two weeks early and sold her subtext to buy Xanex to get her through. Asked to use my car to attend an Aa meeting Thursday night. She had been going to meetings pretty regularly and had used my car so after the "if you don't trust me I am never going to get better speech" off she went for a four day crack binge. Cried and swore she was going to speak to her psychiatrist and get back on track. Has not attended a meeting since.
August took a thirty day script in six days. Laid in bed with withdrawal and depression for three weeks. Complains that because I won't let her drive anywhere there is no point in going to meetings.
September. Begs me to hold her Klonipen for her and dole the three pills a day out for her. Does not speak to psychiatrist about what is really going on because he might not prescribe her Subutex and Klonipen any more. After taking all three doses at four o'clock in afternoon fist day she gets them she is a stumbling groggy mess at six in morning when I leave. I give her two of the three pills prescribed for her and am screamed at that I am breaking our deal and am not a doctor. Many phone calls throughout the day about what a gutless control freak i am and etc..... That evening I give her third pill after another argument that has our daughter crying. The next morning she threatens to call police and screams and rages again about how terrible I am for trying to control her drug intake....... I give her pills back and she makes it a week before she relapses on crack sells her Klonipen and has two weeks left before next office visit. She is currently selling her subtext to buy Xanex and in bed 23 hours out of the day.
But I don't understand......
Still here for my stepdaughter but something has got to CHANGE!
July. Took so many Klonipen could not remember speaking to people the previous day. Ran out two weeks early and sold her subtext to buy Xanex to get her through. Asked to use my car to attend an Aa meeting Thursday night. She had been going to meetings pretty regularly and had used my car so after the "if you don't trust me I am never going to get better speech" off she went for a four day crack binge. Cried and swore she was going to speak to her psychiatrist and get back on track. Has not attended a meeting since.
August took a thirty day script in six days. Laid in bed with withdrawal and depression for three weeks. Complains that because I won't let her drive anywhere there is no point in going to meetings.
September. Begs me to hold her Klonipen for her and dole the three pills a day out for her. Does not speak to psychiatrist about what is really going on because he might not prescribe her Subutex and Klonipen any more. After taking all three doses at four o'clock in afternoon fist day she gets them she is a stumbling groggy mess at six in morning when I leave. I give her two of the three pills prescribed for her and am screamed at that I am breaking our deal and am not a doctor. Many phone calls throughout the day about what a gutless control freak i am and etc..... That evening I give her third pill after another argument that has our daughter crying. The next morning she threatens to call police and screams and rages again about how terrible I am for trying to control her drug intake....... I give her pills back and she makes it a week before she relapses on crack sells her Klonipen and has two weeks left before next office visit. She is currently selling her subtext to buy Xanex and in bed 23 hours out of the day.
But I don't understand......
Still here for my stepdaughter but something has got to CHANGE!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
These sounds like smart alec answers - but there are truths in them my friend
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"
"If YOU want something different, YOU have to be willing to DO something different"
As sad as it is to say, Your wife may never change, but my friend you can - you can change the circumstances in your household, in your life and in your family.
My ex was almost exactly like your wife - we were married for over 16 yrs ~ other than a brief 2 1/2 yrs of sobriety - my story was similiar to yours. Only difference was the last 5 yrs I started attended Al-Anon and it saved my life.
It gave me the courage to want and act to get something different!
Hopefully you can do the same to protect yourself and your step-daughter!
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"
"If YOU want something different, YOU have to be willing to DO something different"
As sad as it is to say, Your wife may never change, but my friend you can - you can change the circumstances in your household, in your life and in your family.
My ex was almost exactly like your wife - we were married for over 16 yrs ~ other than a brief 2 1/2 yrs of sobriety - my story was similiar to yours. Only difference was the last 5 yrs I started attended Al-Anon and it saved my life.
It gave me the courage to want and act to get something different!
Hopefully you can do the same to protect yourself and your step-daughter!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Knoxville
Posts: 13
Biological father
The biological father is a drug addicted dealer who lives with his mother and three grown brothers in a roach infested dump.
Her grandmother is an addict who will not take her.
Her uncle has offered to set up an adoption to the people he lives next door to but can't make room for her in his comfortable middle class life.
No one will really take her in her family because no one wants to have to deal with her mother.
Just left the wifes psychiatrist on the off chance that they would let me tell them what is going on. But of course Hippa form is not signed so they can't speak to me. So this month I won't be paying for the trip to the Subutex doctor.
Her grandmother is an addict who will not take her.
Her uncle has offered to set up an adoption to the people he lives next door to but can't make room for her in his comfortable middle class life.
No one will really take her in her family because no one wants to have to deal with her mother.
Just left the wifes psychiatrist on the off chance that they would let me tell them what is going on. But of course Hippa form is not signed so they can't speak to me. So this month I won't be paying for the trip to the Subutex doctor.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I'm wondering about that HIPPA thing. True, they cannot talk to you, but I don't believe HIPPA precludes you talking to them. I mean, if you were to send an email or a letter to her Pdoc advising him of what is going on with her, they wouldn't be discussing anything with you. Just some food for thought.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Dano
My wife told me the same time many times. Being in recovery myself I did understand but she was soooo far into the addiction that rational thoughts and actions was not within her ability,, even if she swore to it,
What is came down to was I took her to rehab. Enabling her to live at home was slowly kiling her and I was apart of it. It took a few rehabs as after the first she wanted to get sober but wasn't ready and 100% committed.
So it went from denial, to admission, to want to get help, to seek help, to I'm seeking but I don't want to do this, to OK I give up fighting and here I am God help me I'll do anything.
During this time the stock market tanked, our business dropped 55%, I took a 20% paycut and a wife who drove me insane or better yet a wife who (was sick) let her sick baggage drag me around. I sought out help for me, I walked toward that light banging against walls somedays. I had to let my wife go(die) in order for me to be free. Pain = growth. We don't know what the grand plan is on this earth but trying to control it is a life full of fustration.
Something has to change alright. It is us!
We can take her to the hospital as we would do this for a sick person. She is sick and not rational so please keep this in mind.
AG
My wife told me the same time many times. Being in recovery myself I did understand but she was soooo far into the addiction that rational thoughts and actions was not within her ability,, even if she swore to it,
What is came down to was I took her to rehab. Enabling her to live at home was slowly kiling her and I was apart of it. It took a few rehabs as after the first she wanted to get sober but wasn't ready and 100% committed.
So it went from denial, to admission, to want to get help, to seek help, to I'm seeking but I don't want to do this, to OK I give up fighting and here I am God help me I'll do anything.
During this time the stock market tanked, our business dropped 55%, I took a 20% paycut and a wife who drove me insane or better yet a wife who (was sick) let her sick baggage drag me around. I sought out help for me, I walked toward that light banging against walls somedays. I had to let my wife go(die) in order for me to be free. Pain = growth. We don't know what the grand plan is on this earth but trying to control it is a life full of fustration.
Something has to change alright. It is us!
We can take her to the hospital as we would do this for a sick person. She is sick and not rational so please keep this in mind.
AG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Knoxville
Posts: 13
Calling her Doctor
Yeah I guess I could still let them know what she is doing but I was hoping I could speak to him as a partner in her life. Telling her doctor how she is abusing is like ratting her out. Stupid codependent way to think I guess.
Talked to her Mom today. She wants to get paid for the six xanex bars she sent the wife last week. I told sorry no money here. She said to tell wife she would not be sending her anymore pills. Gee I guess you got to do what you got to do.
AG she has been to five inpatient programs and five outpatient ones. My codependent actions have not helped her but I am doing my best to help myself now.
She got a Dui and I have refused to insure her so she can't drive. To expensive so she is off my policy now. Plenty of places to work to get her own insurance but won't walk or take a bus. It's beneath her.
The truck went from impound lot to a friends garage so she can't get it. Got out of latest rehab with the I need a vehicle to go to meetings. But stood solid told her I did not mind driving her. She went for about 5 weeks just long enough to find a new group to use and buy drugs from
Talked to her Mom today. She wants to get paid for the six xanex bars she sent the wife last week. I told sorry no money here. She said to tell wife she would not be sending her anymore pills. Gee I guess you got to do what you got to do.
AG she has been to five inpatient programs and five outpatient ones. My codependent actions have not helped her but I am doing my best to help myself now.
She got a Dui and I have refused to insure her so she can't drive. To expensive so she is off my policy now. Plenty of places to work to get her own insurance but won't walk or take a bus. It's beneath her.
The truck went from impound lot to a friends garage so she can't get it. Got out of latest rehab with the I need a vehicle to go to meetings. But stood solid told her I did not mind driving her. She went for about 5 weeks just long enough to find a new group to use and buy drugs from
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Well, it doesn't sound to me like she has any intention of changing. You just need to decide what you will and will not live with and take it from there. If you don't want to leave the little girl with her mother, you could always inform Child Protective Services of what is going on. I know it sounds harsh, but unless you want to continue to live in all that chaos, there isn't much else you can do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
dano, the hippa law restricts the dr.to speaking to anyone not on the list about his/her patient, however, the dr.can still read letters/email/fax about
any concerns you want the dr.to know about your wife.I will tell you this though, having done that myself..the dr. still has to go by what the patient tells them regardless of what we have to say..its he said,she said..blah blah blah and again comes down to what the patient saids. if you are allowed to accompany your wife on her visits and discuss your concerns about her and her dr. is present then the dr.would have to address them with both of you. thus why most addicts or patients who misuse meds dont allow family members to go with them.
have you asked your wife if you can go with her to the dr? what is her response? my ah was adament I couldnt go, big red flag there..
any concerns you want the dr.to know about your wife.I will tell you this though, having done that myself..the dr. still has to go by what the patient tells them regardless of what we have to say..its he said,she said..blah blah blah and again comes down to what the patient saids. if you are allowed to accompany your wife on her visits and discuss your concerns about her and her dr. is present then the dr.would have to address them with both of you. thus why most addicts or patients who misuse meds dont allow family members to go with them.
have you asked your wife if you can go with her to the dr? what is her response? my ah was adament I couldnt go, big red flag there..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hi Dano, I'm Teggie,
I feel the pain from your words because I have lived it myself.
You know they always talk about the addict hitting rock bottom before they will either choose to get sober or die high, the same goes for us, we also have to hit rock bottom before we make a choice to either let go & let god or get dragged to the depths of hell hanging on to our addict.
At what point do you say to yourself, the pain of dealing with the addict is worse than the pain of letting her go to seek her own consequences?
How much of your sanity have you lost dealing with this? She is draining you dry. And beleive me when I say this, when she knows your dried up she'll move on to the next enabler, it's what addicts do they will always find others like them.
It's a tough decision, it really is esp when children are involved. I found that when I finally let go & gave him the dignity to pursue his own path everything started working out for me.
I wish you luck with your decision.
Hugs,
Teggie
I feel the pain from your words because I have lived it myself.
You know they always talk about the addict hitting rock bottom before they will either choose to get sober or die high, the same goes for us, we also have to hit rock bottom before we make a choice to either let go & let god or get dragged to the depths of hell hanging on to our addict.
At what point do you say to yourself, the pain of dealing with the addict is worse than the pain of letting her go to seek her own consequences?
How much of your sanity have you lost dealing with this? She is draining you dry. And beleive me when I say this, when she knows your dried up she'll move on to the next enabler, it's what addicts do they will always find others like them.
It's a tough decision, it really is esp when children are involved. I found that when I finally let go & gave him the dignity to pursue his own path everything started working out for me.
I wish you luck with your decision.
Hugs,
Teggie
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