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update on addict and codie

Old 09-21-2010, 09:22 AM
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update on addict and codie

slowly i am gaining the strength to step aside. it is a process though and i am still seeing my addict somewhat regularly. on her own she has been going to a church that provides meals and someone to talk to. she found out that there is a place in ny that may have a bed available and that made her very excited. i see that she is tired of the life, but not so much as not to use. the recurring problem is that she has to get through a detox program first. the bigger problem is that there are so few options. she went to one last month that provides charity care, but she cannot go back there for six months. the other one has no funding and it may take a week for a bed. by the time she is out the bed might not be available at the rehab. i am keeping my fingers crossed something can happen really soon as i believe she is wanting to go. it is unfortunate that there are not places that addicts can go to immediately. they have moments of clarity and are willing to try, but there is no place to turn. even the frre places like salvation army are not so easy for a homeless person to get into. the catchwith that place was they need to test clean. to get clean they need detox. detox provides drugs that test dirty. they cannot get in for another week until they are clean. they are not adjusted or able to live that way for a week with no structure and go back to the streets. i know there are those who cna do it, but i think the majority cannot. i think there are different bottoms people can experience. my friend has hit a bottom wherein she wants the help, but not the bottom where she can do it on her own. i dont think many can do it on their own. its like the disappointment of not getting in triggers the impulse to use and it becomes a downward spiral.

as for me, i am ready to detach if she does not try to get clean, but now that i see her trying and excited about this place, my fear is that there will be alag and she will continue to use until then. i guess i have to let her do her thing and hope something turns up soon.
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Old 09-21-2010, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
as for me, i am ready to detach if she does not try to get clean
What does detaching mean to you?
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Old 09-21-2010, 10:07 AM
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welllllll...to me it means removing myself from the situation. letting her go her own way.

buuuut...since she is tryingto get help so quickly after she returned to the streets, i figured, so long as she works to get clean, i can give her the help she needs to get there. no money, no rides to cop. i will give some emotional support, but if she fails to do what she has to do to get in, then i am prepared to step aside- well at least more so than i was last week.
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Old 09-21-2010, 10:26 AM
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No contact is necessary for many to detach, but it's not the same as detaching
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Old 09-21-2010, 11:18 AM
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I have heard many addicts/alcoholics say they had to reach the point that when active they were will to go to any lengths to get that next drink/high ~ they had to be willing to go to any lengths to get clean/sober.

But once again - that's putting all the focus on her - please do keep up the self-care and what is healthy and recovery oriented for YOU!!

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Old 09-21-2010, 11:42 AM
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she went to the meeting today. has to go back tomorrow for the follow up interveiw and to see about detox. if she can get into detox the bed will be available in ny. so, my question is, at this juncture, what do i do? i know i am not her saviour or anything like that, but i do not feel right about detaching at this point. i know she leans on me and at least feels better knowing i am there for her. i cannot let her stay at my house, but want ot help in any way to make sure she gets there at 11am. Since she has been back out on the streets i have let her spend a night with me at my place. she has no placeto go. i know she will find a place to lay her head, but if she gets all doped up, she may spend the night somewhere where she canot getto the place. yes, that would be her fault, but when she is doped up, she sometimes makes some bad choices. so, i guess in a way i do wantto hold her hand to get there tomorrow, but from a distance.
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:00 PM
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so, my question is, at this juncture, what do i do?
We are each responsible for our own bad choices...
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:59 PM
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Your doing the same thing again, enabling her, trying to control her outcome.

You have not detached.

Steve, I must admit it, I am at a loss. I can't think of a thing to say that will make a change in your attitude, everything has been said over and over again and you still repeat the same behavior.
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:58 PM
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(((Steve)))) - if she gets "doped up" and doesn't make it to the place, then she didnt want it bad enough. No matter WHAT she says, it's what she does.

The closest anyone came to holding MY hands, into getting clean, was the cop that slapped handcuffs on my wrists, and put me in the back of the cop car.

I knew my family loved me, but didn't know, for sure, if they'd ever forgive me or trust me again. I didn't do it for them, I did it for ME.

If she's as excited as she says, she'll get there. If not, it's more addict talk. Why not give her the dignity of making her own decision? You can hold her hand, into the detox clinic, but that doesn't mean she'll stay or go through with it.

You can't compete with the dope...you'll lose every time.

I'm not saying she can't recover. I am going to go out on a line and say that if I were involved with someone so codependent on ME, when I got into recovery, I'd have had to end the relationship. She knows how to string you along, she knows that you continue to stand by her, while she's using. For an RA, that's a VERY dangerous person to be involved with.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you know me...I tell it like I see it, and as long as you "stick by her", you're doing more harm than good. You also know my story, and that I had to do the same thing with my XABF.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-21-2010, 05:14 PM
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Steve,

My addict ran the same route as your addict did for about 2 years. Wanting treatment, getting treatment, leaving treatment, gonna go back, no beds, needed more time to 'finish up loose ends'. The I'm sorry's, I'm ready, I'm done. All the while doing the same thing over and over again. He's clean now, but he'll admit that he had absolutely NO intention of going. He went to meetings, heck he even 'chaired' a meeting that was new to our area. He was high when he did it. She's bs'ing you Steve. She's stringing you along. I can see clearly in your posts as I too have lived through and wanted so desperately to believe that he meant what he said.

What you've endured can go on for YEARS. It did for me. I pray that you're stronger than I was to remove yourself. I pray that you can learn something quicker than I did by sharing my experience.
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:16 AM
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Steve
just wanted you to know I am still praying God's best for YOU & for your friend!!

PINK HUGS!
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:55 AM
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If you want this to last Steve, you will listen to Impurrfect.

When/if she recovers, she may associate you with her using and need to end things in order to start a 'clean slate'. Her sobriety may depend on it.

That is why stepping way back is so important if you love her and want her in your life. You can still be supportive and understanding but from a safe distance.
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Old 09-22-2010, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
If you want this to last Steve, you will listen to Impurrfect.

When/if she recovers, she may associate you with her using and need to end things in order to start a 'clean slate'. Her sobriety may depend on it.

That is why stepping way back is so important if you love her and want her in your life. You can still be supportive and understanding but from a safe distance.
Yes, i DO get this now. my last question is... do i just disappear, do i tell her why i am disappearing- if so do i look for her to tell her that or wait to hear from her?
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Old 09-22-2010, 12:38 PM
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You do what is best for you. That is the first step. If that is best for you than do it. If not then find away to have some very clear boundaries with her. For example, if you are using you cannot stay at my place may be a good start.

I know this is hard but it gets easier. Setting boundaries doesnt mean you have to be cold or uncaring. It can be as simple as not answering the door if you know she is just looking for a place to crash. Or not returning a call if she calls under the influence.

It is about letting her know what you will not tolerate. But it doesnt have to come from a place of anger or rejection.
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Old 09-22-2010, 02:56 PM
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Steve, I"m just wondering & for the benefit of our other newbies....
what did you learn in these past few weeks about trying to "rescue" her from the streets?
Did you accomplish what you wanted to accomplish?
Is your sense of serenity better or worse because of this experience?
Is she any better or worse...or the same?
If you had the chance to do it over again, would you?
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Old 09-22-2010, 04:10 PM
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you know, i started to answer this, then just froze. totally blocked for a few minutes.

i'll answer as best i can, keeping newbies in mind to maybe help them.

knowing what i know now, i would not do this again for this person. i will not try to "rescue" or "save" anyone who is already actively entrenched in addiction. in all honesty though, if my niece started using i woiuld go through hell to help her stop before it became too late. BUT- God forbid that happens, i know that when someone is bad off that way that there is nothing you can do to help make it stop.

it took a little over two months for me to start going broke waiting for her to act, but it was mostly all words and half actions. i learned to look for actions not words.

i did not accomplish what i set out to do. at least not directly. i know that when i first found her she was not nearly as miserable being on the street as she is now. maybe in some round about way it helped her; by being off the streets for a while she hates it even more now. BUT- this was not "accomplished" without a great sacrifice to my well being. would i do everything again for this outcome? again, i dont really know. i'd say if she still goes to make her meetings to get to the rehab and she stays clean- possibly. if she does not- then no.


my sense of serenity???? its GONE.
the only night i experienced that was last night when i had me to myself- alone not dealing with any drug related stuff. THAT was a turning point for me.

is she better or worse? again, being honest, i don't know. as far as the actual use- she is back ot the same. as far as her talking about rehab and taking steps toward it she is a little better. as i said above, it is possible that she is freaking out more now and having a harder time of it because she had time away from the streets and nows its all fresh again. maybe.

would i do it all over again?
this is where i freeze. i don;t know. i don't know because i do not know yet if what i did will have any positive affect upon her that has not yet been realized. i say that because she has only been back out less than two weeks and its taking a toll on her.

that said, there are things i would have done differnently. i would not have let this take me so far down. i would have set my boundary sooner and i would not make myself so readily available.

i really would liketo answer this again in a couple weeks after having a little more time to detach and heal. i hope you remember to ask again because it's a great question!
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Old 09-22-2010, 07:16 PM
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keep doing what you're doing steve. it gets easier.

babyblue that pic is hilarious!
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