help
 

hi i'm new here and i am going through a really hard time. My boyfriend has been in rehab for 3 months and has around 3 more months left. I can't have any contact with him. I really want to support him and have been doing everything in my power to be there for him, even though he can't see it with his own eyes. We have been together for four and a half years and our relationship was always out of control. i KNOW he is codependent and so am i.
I want him to get better and be happy, and i want the same thing for myself. I am really willing to do anything to help him and save our relationship. His sister recently told me that the last time she saw him ( She gets to see him every two weeks) he said he realized i was really harming him, i was a big problem in his life. I don't know what to do since i cant really talk to him and know exactly how he feels. I know that our relationship wasn't healthy but i really love him, and i think we could really save our relationship if both of us put an effort into it...
i don't know... I'm really confused, all i know is i want him to be happy, and would respect his decision, but i really wish we could solve all our problems, heal our wounds, and have a future together once he recovers
what should i do right now?

Hi. Welcome.

Try al-anon. It's a great face to face support group for friends and family members of addicts. You will get the chance to work your own 12 step program of recovery while he works his.

I think it may help you. You can't control what's happening in his recovery. But you can do something about your own so that no matter what his choices are, you can be healthy and happy.

Go about your life, get to meetings, read Codependent No More.

You need to get yourself into a healthy mindset, to recover from codenpendcy. He needs to stick to his recovery program.

Two unhealthy people do not make for a heathly relationship.

This is his road to recovery and that could mean that he goes it without you. If your relationship was difficult before then it could potentially trigger a relapse if he returns to the same life he had before rehab.

I work with incarcerated women on a volunteer basis. First, about 95% are incarcerated for something drug or alcohol related.

Second, most of them will probably return because when they are released, they're returning to the same negative/unhealthy atmosphere. I'm not saying that others drove them to drink or do drugs, they made that choice. But, some addicts are creatures of habit. Think about the 21 year old who is an alcoholic who lives with parents who drink, who has friends a few blocks away who always drink. Would that be a "safe" environment to return to once out of rehab? Triggers everywhere.

But, if there are stressors in your relationship and he's not capable of maneuvering them without altering his consciousness here, then he will need his time apart. If you are not in some kind of recovery for yourself (alanon or even speaking with a therapist) then you are bringing nothing new to the table and may act, behave and react in the exact same way you did before he entered rehab.

Rehab is life-changing for many people and he's going to come out a different version of himself. You, on the other hand, might be the same exact person and it's possible that you will be on two separate pages here. I think that's why I would strongly suggest alanon or naranon or any kind of one-on-one (or group) therapy. As the wife of a recovering meth addict, it's been equally about MY recovery from codependency (and learning how to deal with everything, how to bring my OWN changes to our CHANGED relationship) as it has been about HIS recovery.

thank you
 

I was actually planning to go to a meeting this Wednesday.
That was really helpful i know i have to work out my own problem in order for us to have a healthy relationship eventually.

I hope you don't mind that I changed a word in your sentance.