A Difficult Day
 

Hello Everyone,

Quick update on our AD. Three months ago we had to kick her out of the house. Since then, she lost five jobs, got kicked out of her apartment, moved in with friends, stole from them, moved to Hawaii to "get her life back on track" which she didn't... stole some more, flew home last Wednesday and wasn't one hour off the plane before she was plotting to buy drugs. She got as far as sitting in a van with a drug dealer when she was caught, agreed to go to detox, and today she gets out and is begging and pleading to come home. The rehab we/she had hoped to get into... turns out is not in our insurance network and her social worker has not been much help so we are scrambling to try and help her find other options. It feels like a mess and I am telling myself "Do not let her come home. Stay the course. So what if she says she means it this time." And on and on. Has anyone ever let their addict child come home after detox? Has anyone NOT? I just need to hear your stories.... Please.

Needing strength and guidance in this hour.

I have...repeatedly, and it was not in the best interest of me or AS.
I regressed pretty quickly to a stressed out mom, and he relapsed immediately.

Some may have had better luck, but not me.

Sending prayers for strength and guidance...

I did both. I let her come after the first two detox, and thankfully she chose a detox/rehab facility the last time. The difference was night and day for all of us.

After the first detox, she abstained from her DOC for about 6 months but was not sober. She ended up at detox again within a couple of months of relapsing. Two hours after getting out she was at it again. About a year later she was in rehab, and all points in between were hell for everyone, though I couldn't see the forest for the trees at the time.

She's mostly been home ever since, because her behavior changed and mine too. I learned boundaries and became strong enough again to enforce them. I base everything on behavior and don't take any of her stuff personally. It's taken a ton of therapy and those 12 steps for me to do that.

I am not her warden or drill sergeant, and since she's an adult with an addiction, parenting had to stop, too. My RAD is 22 and rehab was very emphatic that we have to stop trying to parent legally adult addicts. If they want/need our advise, it's up to them to ask for it.

My RAD and I both needed some substantial, individual recovery before finding this much calmer place in our lives. We both have to keep working it every day if there's any hope for it to continue.

My daughter knows the Salvation Army offers free rehab because we've had a discussion about it. She knows we won't pay for another rehab if she relapses again, and she accepts that with grace and humility. She did some research into the SA's rehab program and ended up sharing it with an old friend, who's in their program right now.

Our agreement with our son was to take the 44 day rehab program after his 1 week detox. He chose to leave at 22 days, we have no power to make him stay. He chose to not attend meetings. We had hoped he would go to half way house after rehab and then and only then we could help him help himself. He was not back probably 3 days, is using and selling. I think he went to rehab for us and not him. I am not sure where he is living and his whole life plan is totally up to him. We are done, wont even get into what we have been through, cant help someone who doesnt want it. It sucks to be a mom sometimes. Good luck, will be thinking about you.

We brought our AD home after rehab last time and said..NO WAY tis time. You know my story..she is in an sle now. I cannot help her..I am Mommy not an AA house mother whose been there and is like a drill sargeant which is what she needs..not what she wants. In my experience once the drugs are out of the system , it is just the beginning . All that addict behavior does not go away immediately. Oh I feel for you, but I would suggest inpatient treatment.

Sadly, this never worked with my son. Sometimes it worked for a while, but in the end the outcome was always the same...he used, he acted out, he broke our boundaries and had to leave.

I often maintain here that "we" are not their only option, we're not even a good one. A sober living house would be better, or even sharing a place with someone from AA or NA with strong recovery, or finding a small, affordable place of their own. It's a start.

Also, the Salvation Army Rehab programs are free and are quite good programs. As with most programs, the success rate is relative to the resident's willingness to get clean and stay clean.

Good luck, I hope whatever you choose works for you.

Hugs

We detoxed our son in July (he refused to go to a detox center). He promptly went out and used again and disappeared for a month. He came back, said all of the things we wanted to hear and we began to detox him again. Same story as above, he promptly (within two days) began to walk all over our boundaries. He threatened to leave and we said "ok".....he left. He disappeared for another month. He called a few days ago (on my birthday--not to wish me a happy birthday though). He called to spew that our "throwing him out" has caused his addiction to get worse and he threatened suicide once again. It tore me up pretty bad and knocked me waaaay off center once again.

My boundary is quite solid at this point. We are not a detox center, we are not a rehab, we aren't qualified to help him. As Ann pointed out, we are not his only option.....we are just an option.....and certainly not the best option for him or us.

He cannot come back. It is not good for him and it is not good for us. If he wants to get clean and sober, he must use the professional resources available to him and we will support (as in moral support) and love him.

You have to make your own choice regarding your AD but our experiences have not been positive.

gentle hugs

Hope, I'm not gonna add anything to what's already been said. I think you already know the right answer but it's hard.... I know. Just want to give you a huge hug and tell you that you're not alone. We understand. I'm very sorry :(

Thank you all for your responses. I do believe I know the right thing and yet I am not 100% convinced of it. Too bad there are no guarantees... a magic mirror into a future that reflected her healthy and recovering, right here in our home. I'd let her stay in a heartbeat and help her in any way possible. But - there are no guarantees. I feel she will have a better chance at recovery away from here, where so much damage has been done. It's heartbreaking how addiction, like acid, eats away at trust until there is nothing left of it. Even though it's been little comfort I've been reminding myself numerous times today "We did not put her in this position." She is in God's hands... we can only trust and pray that He will lead her down the path toward recovery and healing.

As a recovering addict, I really don't understand why any parent would let adult children stay with them in early recovery. Actually, let me reword that, I do understand, because I have adult children, and I put up with more than I should from them both at my home, though they are not addicts (so far, thank God).

But it isn't the best option, by far. What is common in my area, for those who are serious about their early recovery when they get out of inpatient rehab, is to move into one of the many private group recovery homes they can learn about at meetings or in their inpatient facility.

Typically, if they've been unemployed, as is common when you get out of inpatient rehab, they are asked to get and keep a little early recovery job, something like car-wash attendant, shop sales person, or temp work. Then they pay about a hundred dollars a week to stay at the recovery house. They usually are expected to cooperate and pitch in on food shopping and cleaning with the other residents. Typically, they aren't allowed to have a significant other stay the night or often visit there. In all the homes I know about, the residents are required to go to meetings most, if not every day and they usually go there together. They are subjected to random urine checks. Drinking is considered using and is not allowed at all.

This is exactly the type of structure we need in the beginning and for maybe for the first year or two. This isn't punishment for us, it is support. And we can stay clean this way much more easily then at home, where Mom's loving eyes aren't focused on looking for relapse behavior.

You all do your recovering adult children no good at all by giving them a soft landing pad of your house when what they need is the harder, supportive, recovery house. Think of your child as having a disease that compromises her immune system and your house as being full of infectious contaminants. Let them stay in the hospital of a recovery house while they are so sick in early recovery, and they stand a much better chance of survival. Truly, this is life or death in this disease for us. Not to mention you will likely feel much more sane with some healthy space there.

Love,
KJ

I am another mom who let her child come home. She relapsed within hours of returning home. Nothing changes when nothing changes.

Just curious, where does she get the funds to fly from island to island and then make contact with dealers, given she is unemployed and all that? She sounds quite resourceful to me. Remember you are not her only option.

As an aside, my daughter eventually got clean on her own, outside of my home and has remained so. Tomorrow will take care of itself.