Update!!!!

Old 09-27-2010, 04:01 PM
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I'm glad al-anon is working for you. Maybe therapy can help you work on those deeper points about your anger and sadness. That stuff can accumulate, even if you are feeling ok, you have to work through it in a healthy fashion. Not only that but it can take away the energy you are going to need for the new baby!

I find keeping a journal helps me a lot. I write all the things I wish I could say to him. It helps me process. Maybe writing a letter to the baby would be a therapeutic thing as well Best of luck to you. You are stronger than you know.
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Old 09-28-2010, 07:41 AM
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Thats good it doesnt impair your life. I'd hate to say it, but the old saying is true time does heal wounds. When I was pregnant, my hormones were insane, I would get in the worst moods, I felt like that after delivery for awhile too. After the baby is born if you still feel the same or worse talk to obgyn. not that I'm blaming everything on hormones you have a legitimate reason for feeling the way you feel but they could be playing a role
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Old 09-29-2010, 05:01 AM
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thank you for your responses and support.
this morning, i have a doctor's appointment. get to hear lil guy's heart beat again, my mom and sister are going with me =)
my grandmother wants her copy of "Codependent No More" back. her friend is having some trouble with her alcoholic neice. (bless them and theirs)
i started reading it about a month and a half ago. unfortunately, i left it at my x's house.
so, to avoid all drama, i've decided to ask my father to get it for me. he will call and ask about the book, and then pick it up from there.
hopefully, i am not putting too much strain on my father. i do feel somewhat guilty about not dealing with my own problems physically. but i know that emotionally, this is the best way to do it. i will avoid speaking with my x or his family at all costs, and both of my parents know and respect that fact. i thank God for them and their understanding.

ahh, i feel good today. very confident and excited. there will be more baby shopping, and i have an eye exam later this afternoon. and later on tonight, my meeting.
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:16 AM
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I loved hearing the heart beat! Have a great day! Is is room going to have a theme? Have you thought of any names yet? Sorry for all the questions. I'm just excited for ya
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:45 AM
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(((Lizzaayy))) - I think you did right, by asking your dad to get the book. You don't need any confrontation with him or his family.

YAY on hearing little one's heartbeat. When I was a nurse, I would get excited, too, when I'd hear that from my pregnant patients

You are doing great, sweety. I'm taking my laptop with me, on vacation (when you are due), and though I don't expect a post immediately after he's born, I DO want to hear from you...I'm selfish, and VERY excited about you having him!

Not only do you have your family's support, which is great, but you have all of US. We can't be there, physically, but know that you and your son are in my heart and prayers.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-29-2010, 01:23 PM
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thank you so much for the kind words and prayers.
i do not have my own room,will be sharing one with my mom. (bless her)
as far as names go, i am a little stuck and don't know what to pick yet.
but i'm sure it will come to me =)
i will let everyone know how it goes, and post lots of pictures.
my appointment went very well. baby is perfect size, no complications. my belly gets bigger every day lol.
i am getting more and more excited. my baby shower is this sunday.
thank you again everyone for the support.
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Old 09-29-2010, 02:30 PM
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also in regards to my baby shower, my x's aunt and his younger sister (15) are coming. i spoke with the aunt today.
((aunt and her husband are very successful, kind, SOBER people. sister is as well.))
when i was on the phone with her i said, "i hope i can call you when i go into labor so you can be in the hospital."
her response was, "well, i hope (x) can go too. he really wants to be there for you and the baby."
(she and her husband raised him for most of his life. and have experienced his addiction themselves)
so, i suppose he has been "quacking" to her about how he is sober and doing his best and all that utter nonsense.
i have not heard from him in goodness knows how long. that means he's using.

anyway, i told her i don't know as i haven't been speaking to him. and moved on to talk about something else. she got the hint, and the conversation ended on good terms.

my boundaries are firm, and i will not falter: no one that has shown me i can not trust them comes into contact with my son unless they prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they do not have drugs in their system.

i wonder if i should disinvite her from the shower, or if that would be too rash. i don't know. other than that, we get along quite well. though i haven't spoken to her much, either, since this whole drama started.
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:17 PM
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Sounds like there are two issues here for you: your limits with the baby's dad/family and the pain he has put you through. You do need to heal, removing him from your life right now is probably the best plan so that you can focus on the baby.

Again, I hope you think about therapy and here is why: regardless of how messed up he is, he is still the dad. He will always be in your child's life. At some point you will need to communicate with him. If he checks out of the child's life, there is nothing you can do but Id caution against preventing him from even trying (assuming he won't ever harm or neglect baby.. then all bets are off. An active addict isn't a good parent so you are wise to keep him away at this point). If at some point he does get well and could provide support for the baby, you don't want to burn that bridge is all I'm saying.

It isn't anything you have to dwell on now obviously. The most important thing is your well being and baby's well being. Just food for thought since I work with families and see stuff like this every day play out.
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:16 PM
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thank you very much for your response! i appreciate your advice.
as i said, i believe nothing has changed. he makes no effort to communicate with me, which is a huge red flag that he is still using.
whenever he is not using, i assume he will contact me. (eager to show that he is ready to help support the baby with me, and show a clean drug test)
i can not prevent him from trying. he is the only one that can do that.
i have no control, no cure, and did not cause any of this.

i still maintain that if anyone on his side of the family that i have known to abuse drugs wishes to be present at my child's birth, they will have to pass a drug test. that is the one and only condition i have, period.

i still don't know quite where i stand with x's aunt. i feel a little disturbed by her saying how much my x wants to be at the hospital and all that. if she does not know the truth (and i will NOT tell her, not my place) it is quite possible we will not get along, at all.
so this sunday, idk where things will lead us.

my meeting went very well today. again, i am full of confidence in myself and what i have been doing lately. i know it has been the right thing, though there will always be someone on the other side of this whole scenario trying to convince me otherwise.
my words to them (for i will not say it in person): take me to court, and we'll see what the judge has to say. =)
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:13 PM
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(((Lizzaayy))) - I think there will be enough people that are VERY supportive of you at your baby shower, and it sounds as if you get along with the aunt, that it will be okay. You've got good boundaries, and if she doesn't know he's using, or believes his quacking, that's on her. You can just say something like "he's known, all along, what he needs to do to be involved in his son's life" and leave it at that. If she tries to get more, just tell her you'd really rather not get into it.

You have that right, you have boundaries, and I think it will be fine. I kept in touch with my XABF's mom, until her death, long after he and I split up. Of course, there was no child involved, but she was a HUGE source of support and love for me. Yes, she loved her son, but she loved me, too, and wanted what was best for me. His aunt may turn out to be someone like her...who knows?

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-30-2010, 10:40 AM
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thank you, thank you.
i am hoping, praying that she is like that.
that she feels i am doing the right thing, and that my child will be safe with me.
but oh, do i worry when i hear things like, "well you have to accept him the way he is or let it go." and then in the same breath told how he wants to be in our child's life, etc.
(i get the feeling of "you'd better not keep the baby away from him.")

but you are right, i am the mother. i have my boundaries. maybe keeping the whole family at arm's length is a better idea, from now on.
it seems whenever i talk to any of them, i get stressed and worry over what they think of me/what they could potentially do or say to effect me and the baby.
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Old 09-30-2010, 12:05 PM
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I talked to a counselor yesterday about helping my child deal with missing his father. The counselors answer? It's a hard situation but you are absolutely doing the best thing for your child by keeping him away from someone who is actively addicted to drugs and disrupting the peace and tranquility that should be in your life.

What to tell the child:

Your daddy loves you but your daddy has an illness. We cannot call him right now. He will get in touch with us when he is able. It's hard to understand because you are in kindergarten. You may feel disappointed or angry about this and thats ok. You'll understand more when you are older.

I love you and it's my job to take care of you no matter what. You have nothing to worry about.

Now. Would you like to go for a walk or get an ice cream cone?
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Old 09-30-2010, 01:44 PM
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fantastic! thank you for the response. i believe that is a perfect way to explain to a kid that kind of situation.
nothing has changed, for better or worse on my end and i am continuing to go day by day, doing what i know is right.

i should not worry over their opinions, or the potential actions they may take.
it is hard, because i feel such a strong urge to protect everything i have been working towards lately. so at the first sign of trouble, i feel my whole body tense. and my brain of course goes into worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.
but then also, i think about what i will do if those things do happen, and i end up feeling more peaceful and secure knowing i have set plans.

today is a lazy day for me. just lounging, cleaning the house a little bit here and there.
i think i'll take a nap, too.
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Old 10-02-2010, 08:08 PM
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went decorations shopping with my mom today. she is amazing, and i love her so much. without her, i would be wallowing in agony and self-pity at my situation, and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. we walked through the baby section at target, and i saw the cutest little new born monkey costumes!! and a lot of really special, soft blankets. i already have lots of fleece ones for the bassinette, but i am determined to find my him a special whale blankie that he can have and treasure for years.

oh, also i picked a name. my son is going to be called Jonah. Jonah's is one of my favorite stories in the bible. and the bible is something i have been feel really close to lately.
(hopefully the Jonas brothers will long be forgotten about by the time my son gets old enough for school haha)

x's aunt is coming to my baby shower still. she has been amazingly supportive since i've been talking to her on the phone. she tells me that she respects the strength that i've had through all of this, especially at my young age. she also says that she knows i'm doing the right thing, and basically has my back 100%.
i don't know why, but i found her support and approval so extremely comforting. maybe it's because i know in my heart that if things get ugly between the x and i (child support, custody battle, etc.), she will be there to help and vouch for me.

i have been concerned lately, though, about why i feel i need approval from people. especially ones that should otherwise be seen as irrelevant in my life (aquaintences, distant friends, etc.)
i'll definitely bring it up at my next meeting this coming wednesday. man, i love those things. best idea ever =)
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Old 10-03-2010, 01:15 AM
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(((Lizzaayy))) - I LOVE the name Jonah! So glad you got to spend time with your mom and that his aunt is being so supportive.

Also glad that you're enjoying the meetings, so much, and that you're able to recognize when you need something...and talk about it. GO LIZZAAYY!! Your son is SO lucky to have such an awesome mom

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-03-2010, 05:00 AM
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thank you amy.
i can always count on getting great positive feedback from you.

it has been tough. but i feel so much better with myself. i think maybe what helped me get out of all this so quickly- with others it takes much longer- was, firstly, the thought of my baby.
but also because i used to be in an abusive relationship with a guy. that lasted only 2 1/2 years. i got out of there not as quickly as i could have, but i know i saved my own life by leaving when i did. i was 16 when i met that guy, and he was 22. boy, was i blind.

haha, i guess what i'm saying is it gets easier each time, to detach from things that are toxic to us.
and at least this time, he was not abusive (though maybe he could have been eventually?)
the whole addiction thing was a huge surprise to me. i never would have guessed. now, since i've learned so much about it, i do see the red flags and signs.

maybe the next guy i choose will be normal. oh, that is so far down the road, though.
my heart will soon not be lonely when my lil boy is born. i am looking forward to that, and feeling loved again (of course not counting my parents/family)
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Old 10-03-2010, 07:32 AM
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Old 10-03-2010, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Lizzaayy View Post

my grandmother wants her copy of "Codependent No More" back. her friend is having some trouble with her alcoholic neice. (bless them and theirs)
i started reading it about a month and a half ago. unfortunately, i left it at my x's house.

so, to avoid all drama, i've decided to ask my father to get it for me. he will call and ask about the book, and then pick it up from there.
hopefully, i am not putting too much strain on my father.
Sometimes we codependents create reasons to remain engaged in the drama and sometimes we even involve others in it, too.

You can buy a used copy of this for about $1.95 on Amazon. Surely this is a small price to pay side-step drama and imposing on your dad.
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Old 10-03-2010, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Lizzaayy View Post

maybe the next guy i choose will be normal. oh, that is so far down the road, though.
Last guy was abusive. This guy is an addict.

We codependents have a tendency to keep in doing what we have been doing and somehow expect a different outcome. In otherwords, it's not a conincidence/bad luck that these 2 guys have been highly dysfunctional.

Therapy may be helpful to learn how to treat yourself better and learn new skills that will develop your inner "picker". Afterall, your child is going to learn how to let the world treat him, from you.
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Old 10-03-2010, 10:53 AM
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(((Lizzaayy))) - I picked THREE A's...spent over 20 with the first, so I was a very slow learner. You're way ahead of me.

(((OTL's))) suggestion of therapy isn't a bad idea, as it deals with WHY we pick these men. However, I've learned a LOT from SR, and you are doing that and meetings, so you're ahead of me again, as I depend on SR However, I do want to get therapy, whenever I can afford it.

Keep on taking care of you and Jonah. I think that "mama bear" instinct to protect your child, at all costs, will be a good thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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