...or no contact?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
...or no contact?
(sorry for all the threads)
i am trying to understand detaching with love. does this mean i have no contact with her until she seeks help?
i want ot give her a chance, myself a chance, and us a chance- although i am understanding there is no real "us" right now.
as i have posted elsewhere, i am struggling with what ot do, how to handle this. she knows i love her. if i do no contact will it seem i dont? is having contact enabling?
i just dont know the answers here
i am trying to understand detaching with love. does this mean i have no contact with her until she seeks help?
i want ot give her a chance, myself a chance, and us a chance- although i am understanding there is no real "us" right now.
as i have posted elsewhere, i am struggling with what ot do, how to handle this. she knows i love her. if i do no contact will it seem i dont? is having contact enabling?
i just dont know the answers here
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
To go no contact means you do so because it is best for YOU to do so.
Of course the hard part for us is to not get caught up in worrying about what they will feel. Sure it will probably feel like rejection to a's. In fact, it will probably become another reason for a pity party..a reason to drink/drug.
And you can be sure that once you go no contact ur a will make u feel guilty, like you don't love her/ him enough to do that...its not about that.
That's the whole point of detaching. You love this person enough to let them go, let them fall....all at the risk of them being pissed off, not talking to you, loosing them for good, etc.
Its extremely hard, but I can guarantee you: You will learn, grow, and not have nearly as much stress in your life.
I haven't been strict about no contact, and that's probably not what's best for me (I'm still learning), but I am happy I got to express myself to my a along the way of healing in a way that felt compassionate and from a safe distance.
Someone else mentioned that its much like touching a hot stove...you'll keep going back to see if its still hot..and in most cases it will be.
What do you want out of no contact? Why are you going no contact?
Of course the hard part for us is to not get caught up in worrying about what they will feel. Sure it will probably feel like rejection to a's. In fact, it will probably become another reason for a pity party..a reason to drink/drug.
And you can be sure that once you go no contact ur a will make u feel guilty, like you don't love her/ him enough to do that...its not about that.
That's the whole point of detaching. You love this person enough to let them go, let them fall....all at the risk of them being pissed off, not talking to you, loosing them for good, etc.
Its extremely hard, but I can guarantee you: You will learn, grow, and not have nearly as much stress in your life.
I haven't been strict about no contact, and that's probably not what's best for me (I'm still learning), but I am happy I got to express myself to my a along the way of healing in a way that felt compassionate and from a safe distance.
Someone else mentioned that its much like touching a hot stove...you'll keep going back to see if its still hot..and in most cases it will be.
What do you want out of no contact? Why are you going no contact?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To be honest, under her current mind set, drug induced, she is not thinking about whether you love her or not. She is all consumed by her addiction.
We have all tried to explain why no contact is vital to her recovery and you just don't seem to get it.
If you truely love her, you will go no contact and let her fall to her knees, you will let her find her way to recovery, all by herself. If she wants it, she will find it, just as she finds her pusher.
There is no way on God's green earth that having contact with her is going to make her hop on the recovery train...THESE ARE NOT MY RULES...it is just how it works...she must do this on her own.
It may take years for her to seek recovery, and, after that she must dedicate her whole life to her recovery. She must be as selfish in recovery as she is in active addiction.
Are you really willing to put your life on hold for years? And, even if she is in recovery, there is no guarantee that she would not relapse, for most, it is common place.
Honestly, if I were you I would start seeing a therapist. This is said with concern for you, your mental well-being.
We have all tried to explain why no contact is vital to her recovery and you just don't seem to get it.
If you truely love her, you will go no contact and let her fall to her knees, you will let her find her way to recovery, all by herself. If she wants it, she will find it, just as she finds her pusher.
There is no way on God's green earth that having contact with her is going to make her hop on the recovery train...THESE ARE NOT MY RULES...it is just how it works...she must do this on her own.
It may take years for her to seek recovery, and, after that she must dedicate her whole life to her recovery. She must be as selfish in recovery as she is in active addiction.
Are you really willing to put your life on hold for years? And, even if she is in recovery, there is no guarantee that she would not relapse, for most, it is common place.
Honestly, if I were you I would start seeing a therapist. This is said with concern for you, your mental well-being.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
[COLOR="Red"]
[And, even if she is in recovery, there is no guarantee that she would not relapse, for most, it is common place.
/COLOR]Don't contact her Steve - she knows where to go for help. Occupy yourself tonight with facebook, SR, youtube, TV something. Let her go. She's doin' her thing and she needs to know, has to know that YOU are not waiting here for her. She needs to FEEL her choices. No matter what they are...
[And, even if she is in recovery, there is no guarantee that she would not relapse, for most, it is common place.
/COLOR]Don't contact her Steve - she knows where to go for help. Occupy yourself tonight with facebook, SR, youtube, TV something. Let her go. She's doin' her thing and she needs to know, has to know that YOU are not waiting here for her. She needs to FEEL her choices. No matter what they are...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 47
there is a time to let go
Steve, my son is an oxy addict. For two years I supported him while he stole everything from me and family. He has been in hospital 4 times, 2 to be resuscitated for overdose, two for getting his head beat in. The last two times I never even went to the hospital. My daughers would not let me. If I went I would have brought him home and continued the cycle. I have closed my doors to him, yes I cry all the time, the stress has made me very sick. But I cannot allow him to do this to me anymore, its up to him, I have tried everything. I finally in Aug. got him into detox and rehab. He did not stay as long as we agreed and is out and back with the same friends. I truly believe he is using again and cannot stand the lies, lies and more lies. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, I wait for the call saying he is dead. But in the mean time I cannot let him kill me with the stress as well. I have been studying the 12 step n/a on here. You will reach a time when your loved one is destroying your life and you have to make a decision, you cant always fix the problem. Hugs to you, Lynda
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Steve))) - the way I went no contact was to say "I love you, but I will not talk to you or contact you, in any way as long as you are using. When/if you choose recovery, and really work at it, you know where to find me". This was with my 3rd XABF, whom I loved dearly. I did break the NC, when I found out he was in jail, but I only wrote to him, telling him how great recovery was, what I was doing with my life, and that I hoped he got it together. When he started writing back, making "jailhouse promises" and asking for money, I said "don't ever ask me for money again...I will never give you a cent, and don't make promises....show me". He stopped writing, went straight back to the streets.
He died in Dec., because of his own choices. I know, without a doubt, I did what I could...I offered him the hand of a recovering addict, and he didn't want it. I feel no guilt, whatsoever, only sadness that he never "got it".
I'm SURE he was mad at me, but I also know he knew, without a doubt, that I still loved him.
We keep telling you, but I don't think it's sunk in, yet. You can literally love her to death by enabling her. Yes, my XABF died without enabling. That's a reality of addiction. There are many people here, who have recently lost their children/sister/other loved ones to addiction.
You can't save her. The people HERE couldnt' save their loved ones, I couldn't save my ex. The fact is, there are many MORE of us who are in recovery because the people who loved us stopped enabling us. I'm one of them. Yes, I was ticked off, at first, but today? I'm extremely grateful to my loved ones.
You and I have "talked" and you KNOW who addicted I was to my ex's. I got past that, thanks to the great people here, and you can, too. You just have to give up the idea that you can save her. Turn her over to God, or whomever is your HP. That's who's really in control, anyway. Stop thinking about her, what she's doing, etc. 24 hours a day.
No contact is hard, at first, but it gets easier with time, and we gain a new clarity. Don't do what I did....get so wrapped up in THEM, that I developed my own addiction, trying to "deal with" the pain of being involved with them. It happens more than you think.
No matter what she tells you, DRUGS are her first love...you will always come second to them. She will tell you what she thinks you want to hear, just to keep stringing you along.
Take the leap...go no contact. Work on YOUR addiction to her.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
He died in Dec., because of his own choices. I know, without a doubt, I did what I could...I offered him the hand of a recovering addict, and he didn't want it. I feel no guilt, whatsoever, only sadness that he never "got it".
I'm SURE he was mad at me, but I also know he knew, without a doubt, that I still loved him.
We keep telling you, but I don't think it's sunk in, yet. You can literally love her to death by enabling her. Yes, my XABF died without enabling. That's a reality of addiction. There are many people here, who have recently lost their children/sister/other loved ones to addiction.
You can't save her. The people HERE couldnt' save their loved ones, I couldn't save my ex. The fact is, there are many MORE of us who are in recovery because the people who loved us stopped enabling us. I'm one of them. Yes, I was ticked off, at first, but today? I'm extremely grateful to my loved ones.
You and I have "talked" and you KNOW who addicted I was to my ex's. I got past that, thanks to the great people here, and you can, too. You just have to give up the idea that you can save her. Turn her over to God, or whomever is your HP. That's who's really in control, anyway. Stop thinking about her, what she's doing, etc. 24 hours a day.
No contact is hard, at first, but it gets easier with time, and we gain a new clarity. Don't do what I did....get so wrapped up in THEM, that I developed my own addiction, trying to "deal with" the pain of being involved with them. It happens more than you think.
No matter what she tells you, DRUGS are her first love...you will always come second to them. She will tell you what she thinks you want to hear, just to keep stringing you along.
Take the leap...go no contact. Work on YOUR addiction to her.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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