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please help me with boundries

Old 09-17-2010, 10:55 AM
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please help me with boundries

most of you probably know my story by now. my agf has decided to go back to her life onthe streets. she said she isnt ready to stop and returned right back to doing hte things she does for money. i love her dearly, but have began to understand detachment. i just dont know how to handle this. the right thing feels to tell her, we can not be involved together until you seek rehab. the other part feels that i am abandoning her from the one person from the outside she still has. she told me recently that if it werent for me, she'd be totally lost and not even want to try getting clean.

i have never judged her for what she has done. i hold no resentment. and i have forgiven her for the past and even now. the thing is, what kind of man would i be to stand by and let her do those things? i don't want to be some wimpy spinless tool. most men would have been out the day she returned to the streets. its been just three days and i do not think i can continue this way. but, again, i feel if i give that ultimatum that it wont do any good and she'll continue to use and just get used to me not being in her life. my rational, however faulty it may be, is that if i stay in her life she has a reminder of what she can have. i have read acouple posts about people who get clean acyually resenting their enablers. just by keeping her in my life am i enabling? by letting her do what she is doing and saying that i will be there am i enabling?

the thing of it is, i dont know if i have the strength to walk away, as i said, i feel like i am abandoning her.

did i already lose her respect by trying for the past two months and enabling by letting her use? did i losse her respect by not putting my foot down already about her being back out there "working?" i cannot share her with the drugs or johns. she tells me nice things, but i cannot get past this. it is not that i am judging her, its just that i cannot stand by her side as she does this.

thoughts please
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
did i already lose her respect by trying for the past two months and enabling by letting her use? did i losse her respect by not putting my foot down already about her being back out there "working?" i cannot share her with the drugs or johns. she tells me nice things, but i cannot get past this. it is not that i am judging her, its just that i cannot stand by her side as she does this. thoughts please
Steve
You can't lose what you never had. Addicts don't respect themselves.......or they wouldn't use or prostitute themselves. She can't have something for you that she doesn't even have for herself.

You have laid down your own very distinct boundary. "I cannot share her with the drugs or the johns."

You're doing fine. Really you are.......you're trying to understand all of this and that's a beginning.....a very good beginning. The lessons that our addicts teach us are invaluable life tools. In a very strange (and somewhat warped way), they are helping us all. We are growing in ways that we never could have imagined. We are exploring ourselves and becoming better people (even though it doesn't always feel that way).

I'm going to be thankful today for the lessons I am learning because I love an addict.

gentle hugs to you
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:35 AM
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Steve,
The most important thing to remember is that boundaries are not ultimatums, not a method of control and not way to get the addict to see the light.
Its about us and what we will allow to affect our lives. You have no choice in what she does, but you do have choices in how her actions affect you.

Ideally, her actions do not consume you, and they do not ruin your chance for happiness. That's where boundaries come in, and as soon as you begin to think about YOU first they begin to fall into place.

My boundaries have little to do with my son, except for the fact that he consistently breaks them with his choices. Mine are simple: I will no longer be drawn into the chaos of addiction or any chaos for that matter, I will no longer spend my days and nights in worry and my home is a drama free zone. Unfortunately, to keep those promises I've made to myself, I've had to limit contact with my son.

Did it stop him from using? No it didn't...but his using no longer causes me to be in perpetual pain, as I was before. Whether I am hurting or not has no bearing on his activities.

As you can imagine, through all of this I love him dearly and never stopped. He is my son.

So what about you? What boundaries would improve YOU and not her?

Hey, don't you owe me a "All about Steve" thread?
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:58 AM
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Boundaries come with practice , practice, practice. melanie Beattie talks about detaching with love, but says if you can't do that yet then just detach! Let go or be dragged Steve.
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Old 09-17-2010, 12:09 PM
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well, i have only set these boundraries in my head. i have not told her about them yet.

she says, she is already tired of being there and only plans to be for a week or so. i dont know if she is fooling herself, or trying to tell herself this or just trying to downplay. i dont know if i should give her a week or two or not.

we are supposed to meet up tomorrow evening. it's like i would like a nice night with her without having to talk about things. its just so...i dont even know. it's like breaking up with someone, but being forced to.

i dont know when to say it or where.

i keep playing that those will be the last words i have with her and it feels like a painful scene from a movie. one of those- how can i go on now kind of feelings.



cece- i did just post a thread, funny timing. but, its not yet just about me. more about my baggage. i'll getto the good stuff someday.
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Old 09-17-2010, 04:28 PM
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Hi Steve,L
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is let go ... and let them suffer the consequences of their choices. Most of the addicts stories i've read here only got better when they had no-one or no-where to turn and they'd finally had enough of the life they were living.

Setting boundaries will save your sanity! It's not easy at first, but you start to get better in time. We can still hope and pray they get better.

My ex-H was the addict in my life. I supported him through jail, 3 rehabs, then prison.
He still went back out... I finally had to let him go. He called wanting to come back for about 6 months , and as painful as it was I had to tell him no, because nothing had changed and I just could not go back to the life we had lived with all the chaos.

Keep reading and posting... it will help you so much as you walk this path of deciding what to do.
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