Chino

On your birthday you gave the gift of love to your son and to yourself. I think it's a beautiful way to start off your new year. Happy birthday

gotahavfaith

I agree. Here is hoping you enjoyed your birthday with your loved ones Kindeyes. Sending up prayers for you, your son, and your family.

Gotahavfaith

Wisher

((Kindeyes))
I too hope you had a happy birthday and I pray that your next birthday finds you wrapped in the love of all your loved ones including your beloved son.

Kindeyes

Thank you again for all of the kind words. I had a lovely time with my family last night. We went to a Japanese Steak House and it was very entertaining and delicious as well. It was great to see everyone and get lots of hugs.

My son never did call me back yesterday. I suppose I can say that at least I know that as of yesterday, he was still alive. Although I think he knew it was my birthday yesterday, he never acknowledged it......he simply left me with the awful images of him sleeping somewhere in a shack on a small piece of carpet and threats of suicide yet again. He is balanced so precariously on the edge of life.....it scares me.

I have heard that if people threaten and threaten and threaten suicide that they don't really want to do it. It is a cry for help. And help is there for the taking if he truly wants to choose life. I feel so powerless.

I have a Naranon meeting tonight.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I hope that God hears them.

Gentle hugs

suki44883

My daughter threatened and made half-hearted attempts several times. If she really wanted to die, she would be dead. She isn't. She has straightened herself out and is now going to school and working. You did great yesterday when he called. When we stop reacting to their drama, they are forced to look inside themselves. I pray that your son will realize that the reason he is in the situation he is in is because of the choices he has made and not anything anyone has done to him. It is never to late to turn our lives around.

keepinon

:ghug3 You should feel really proud of your recovery that you were able to not only go out for your birthday, but also ENJOY it! That is progress in anyone's book...not to mention a good model for the rest of your family including your son.

Serenity Bound

Kindeyes, I'm so glad you were able to enjoy your B/D. That my friend is recovery.

I know that scared feeling, I know that when my own daughter was supposedly living in a cardboard box, I was scared. she had also many times threatened suicide. (I say supposedly, because later learned it was a pod...lol) Even though I was scared, I was able to get thru the day by coming here, going to meetings and praying for her everday.

That was 9 mos ago, yesterday, she celebrated 8 months clean...I'm so
thankful and grateful to God for his miracle. Yes, I do very sincerely believe in miracles. As they say don't leave b/4 the miracle happens.

Keep working on yourself, keep praying, and keep hope alive.
Hugs,
Chris

Kindeyes

SB
Thank you. I need to have faith and hope today. I still haven't heard from him and I am resisting the urge to call him. There's this part of me that worries......he hasn't called.....what if he's dead and they just haven't found him in this shack on the little piece of carpet yet.

I'm holding on to the "no news is good news" theory but with an addict.....that isn't always the case, is it.

I'm so very glad that your daughter is doing so well. 8 months clean is an amazing milestone. I'll send my prayers that she stays focused on her recovery. She brings me hope.

Hey God......can you hear me? I need some strength to get through today. I had many diversions going on yesterday to keep me focused on myself because everyone else was focused on me for my birthday. Today....not doing so well.....I'm worried. I'm scared. So here I am again....praying God.....please take care of my son. Please watch over him because I can't. I am still praying for your intervention.....can you hear me? I will accept it....whatever it looks like.....and I can be patient. He is in your hands. I am powerless. I am powerless. I am powerless.

357girl

It made me really sad to read this. I wanted to cry for you and your son, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I have managed to hold back those tears for my own daughter for a few weeks now.

It's a double-edged sword when as parents, friends, family members, we reach our bottom with their addiction. We begin to take care of ourselves, to think more clearly, be more rationale when they call and when they don't call. We somehow manage to get over the guilt of having happy moments without them. We're okay with it. We stop supporting them financially, we put aside their medical bills. We feel strong. We realize they just aren't ready and we can't make them be ready. They have to reach their bottom on their own, whatever that may be, just like we have reached ours, because we are tired of it and we begin to make changes for ourselves.

We pray and we trust God to reach out to them through others. And we accept but do not dwell on the realization that God may take them to a better place. In the meantime, all we can do is pray and let them know we love them regardless of their addiction.

God Bless you and your son Kind Eyes. I hope your birthday wishes come true.

Claudia

CatsPajamas

Sometimes the gifts from our Higher Power come very strangely wrapped. On your birthday, you got to hear his voice and know he was alive. You were able to be surrounded by family who loves you, had a great dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse ( yum I'm so jealous!) and you were able to detach and give him back up to your HP and his.

Your recovery is shining. Prayers that your son finds his way.

Mom hugs
Cats

Impurrfect

(((Kindeyes))) - sorry I'm late, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You did awesome in how you handled his call!! You're also right that you didn't kick him out..HE made that decision to leave because he didn't want to go by your rules.

The further I got into addiction, the more miserable I got..especially if I was out of dope. That, dealing with consequences, and having a family show me "tough love" is what allowed me to hit bottom.

Big hugs, sweetie. I know this isn't easy, but you really are doing the most loving thing you can for him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

chicory

Kindeyes,
Just remember, he knows that you are going to be there to help him , when he is ready to get help. It is not the case of a young man who is not loved, or has no one who cares. He knows he is loved, and that you care. That knowledge is with him. And so is God.

I feel like he is wanting to get help. Maybe his calling you was his way of getting his love fix. He loves you, and wanted to feel your love, I am sure. He has such a great support system in his family, when he finally gives in, and decides he has had enough of the destructive life he has been leading.

God hears you. He knows how you feel. It is always this hard, when we have to let them reach their bottom- that place where they look up. And when he does, he is going to know that he is cared for, and not alone. He knows that now, and he also knows why he feels miserable. He knows this is his fault. He sounds a bit proud, is he? Not sure why I feel that, but maybe cause I feel he is wanting to reach out, in your direction, but he knows that it is going to be a tough road to recovery. But , it surely wont be as tough as the one he is on now, and he knows that too, I'd bet.
your son is in my prayers, that he will give in and get up and begin his road to recovery.
I pray for you, too, that you hear from your son soon, to ease your mind.

big , big hugs,
chicory

Kindeyes

357girl - thank you so much for your kind words--it helps more than you know.

Cats - thank you for your positive perspective. Perhaps that phone call was a strangely wrapped birthday gift from God.

Impurrrrfect - the perspective from an ra means a great deal to me. You understand something that I do not and your kind words are helping me get through today.....one day at a time, right?

Chicory - You don't know how badly I want to believe every word you said. I so hope that he knows that he is loved. And I pray that he reaches the point of surrender soon.

gentle hugs to each and every one of you who took the time to respond to my post. This "one day at a time" has felt like an eternity but your kind, warm words comforted me through a tough one.

Tomorrow will be a new day......a better day.... and again I will rejoice and be glad in it.

greeteachday

He does. I promise. I am not him, but of this I have absolutely no doubt. It is too apparent by the kindness, compassion and love that you share here, that you are a person who exudes love and your son has always been a fortunate recipient.

My prayer is that one day he finds recovery so he can tell you himself that even in the darkest times, he knew that he was loved.

Impurrfect

(((Kindeyes))) - I agree...he knows he is loved. At the depth of my addiction, I knew that I was hurting my family, they were disappointed in me, but I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, they still loved me and would be here to support me whenever I chose recovery.

I've had all my loved ones tell me how much they prayed for me while I was "out there". Deep down, I knew that, I just wasn't able to appreciate it at the time.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tjp613

Praying for you today, Kindeyes....and for your precious son.

Kindeyes

Another update.......this is an update on me. Not my son. I haven't heard from him since that call on my birthday....he never called me again as he said he would. I have had four days to reflect.

I'm not surprised that he didn't call I suppose. I'm thinking that the purpose of the call on my birthday was to create as much hurt and pain as he possibly could. I think he knew it was my birthday and the call was a manipulation to try to make me feel guilt for his current circumstances.....to leave me with a horrible mental picture of his current life. To inflict pain.

I did send him an email......with the phone numbers of the local detox center and told him that we love him and that when/if he is ever ready to get sober that he has our support but that we can't support his addiction in any way. I have no idea if he will ever get that email........

Now I can't shake the feeling that I am waiting........waiting for him to decide to get sober.....waiting for a knock on the door from the police chaplin........waiting (praying) that he'll get arrested.

I pray a lot. I read. I work out. I go to work. I'm going through the motions of my life. And trying to keep my mind on me and my own recovery but my mind always wanders back to the concern I have for my son. I realize that I am allowing him to mess with my head. I realize that I need to completely let go because until I do......I'm being dragged.

I keep telling myself that I am powerless over him and his addiction. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I have a hard time accepting that he is choosing the life he is leading over a "normal" life. There's part of me that says he is so deep into the throes of addiction that he isn't able to find his way back.....but then I realize that he has the ability to somehow do whatever it is he does to obtain the drugs he puts into his system. And that takes some kind of thought and action.....it is a survival skill of sorts.

I don't drink. I don't do drugs. And the pain of dealing with this makes me understand why a person turns to those things. It's hard to face the reality of my son's addiction while I'm stone cold sober. The thought of dulling that pain with drugs or alcohol is alluring.......but instead I go out to my eliptical, turn the music up loud, and cry. It makes me feel better to get the toxicity of the stinky thinking out of my body....out of my brain. Breathe in breathe out....just breathe. It exchanges the mental pain for the physical pain of exercising. It helps. And I feel better for a while.

I'm just rambling here. These are the honest thoughts and feelings and activities that I am thinking, feeling, and doing as I try to work through this. I'm using this medium for a place to express myself.....to get thoughts out of my head....a therapy of sorts. And it feels better too.

If anyone is reading this.....thanks for letting me vomit all of this up. You know how you feel better after you throw up? I feel better.

gentle hugs.

dollydo

Vent away! I sure do understand all the emotional turmoil.

One time I said to exabf "Wouldn't you like a normal life?" He responded "To me,this is normal!" He continous to live "his" normal life without me.

Make today a good one!

NightandDay

Hey KindEyes-

Wow. . . your recovery is really inspiring. YOu are fighting for your life here and allowing us to witness it . . . I am moved by your strength and honesty, lady. This is not easy stuff. I know it might sound cliche, but HP does not give us tests that we cannot pass. My sponsor said that to me the other day, and it gave me hope.

Sending love and support your way.

And happy belated!!!7

Hunny1116

Oh, Kindeyes...

I know your pain and the heartache and fear of losing your child. My son is in about the same place.
My feelings, too, are all over the place, but I am slowly putting one foot in front of the other and
"going through the motions." Sometimes, I literally feel that I am moving in slow motion.....

This is a prayer that I found on the "Prayers for the Addict Who Still Suffers" board.
I copied it an put it in my wallet. Whenever I am overwhelmed with fear and dread for my son,
I take it out and read it....

O Lord, Hear my prayer for all who
are in trouble this day.

Encourage those who are finding it
difficult to believe in the future and
doubting the truth of your existence
or the validity of your promises.

Bring wise friends into their lives
who have long known the reality of
your love.

Let them be assured that you can take
care of every need, not matter how
large or small.

I picture my son in my mind as I pray. My favorite line is about bringing wise friends into their lives.
I remind myself that I don't know everything and don't have all the answers.
But, I do believe in a power greater than myself who does.

I don't want to lose my son.... I know, though, that I cannot save him.
Been there... tried that... over and over and over again...

Courage, my friend, for both of us. I am thankful you are here.
You help me more than you will ever know.