ForAddynDaddy

I dont feel as down in the dumps today....I dont know if its because its my Friday at work or that my daughter isnt sick any more.

My BF and I got into another huge argument, we do everyday, sometimes 2 and 3 times a day. Not just the bickering kind of arguing, the screaming, yelling, threatening and that is all followed by him leaving ("somewhere") and me crying uncontrollably. Its almost a routine now. Is that at all normal? We are literally saying the things that hurt us the most to each other. (Of course I never start it...."teehee") Then 30 minutes later, BF comes back all happy and apologetic and its like nothing happened?! I dont get and dont know how to make it stop.

Before we were happy with each other all the time no matter what, I wasnt so sensitive like I am now and he obviously wasnt battling meth but I want it back.

I havent brought this information out about me yet, because I honestly did not feel anything was wrong with it and that it wouldnt be relavent. But I guess Im a bit of a drug user myself. I do smoke pot, not everyday or even every week but every once in a while. Honestly I still feel that it is okay, I dont smoke in the house or when I have my daughter. Its only when someone is babysitting her (no I dont ask someone to babysitt her so I can smoke, its just whenever it comes around). Its the only "drug" I have ever tried in my life. I like it when my BF smokes weed though (he does more often than I) because he stays home he is much nicer, we dont argue, he just seems like the goofy, fun loving man/boy that I fell in love with.

I choose to smoke occasionally because its very relaxing and I can sleep peacefully and not wake up in the middle of the night. Im sure people will state their opinions about it, but I wanted to tell you guys because the posts I was reading where people talked about pot, it was made to sound wrong and I kind of felt like a hipocrit.

I am not saying that I am going to stop or that I think its wrong I guess I just found it important to let out to you guys. Its not a secret amoung my friends and family either, my mom knows most of my family and my friends.


I know I sound like I am trying to condone the fact that it is okay, because it still is illegal however, I still go to work everyday on time, spend time with my family normally, have money for the neccesities we need and go to school part time still.



This was posted soley for discussion and conversational purposed. Opinions are obviously welcome but I dont want to hear a bunch of negativity please.

outtolunch

Normal when living with someone addicted to hard core drugs.

9 days ago, you were done. What happeed?

As for the pot thing...some people unwind with a glass or two of wine. Some light up a joint. Who are we to judge what other people do? If it's unaceptable to us, we always have the ability to remove ourselves from the situation.

hello-kitty

Poor baby. Sounds like an awful environment to grow up. All we can do is pray for her I guess.

ForAddynDaddy

Yes I am aware of it being unhealthy.

And yes I was done and am done, but its hard to just walk away. I need help to get this burden off my chest and I really was expecting helpful advice on what to do.

I am aware of the bad environment that my daughter is in I KNOW ALREADY. I want help out of it.

dollydo

"This was posted soley for discussion and conversational purposed. Opinions are obviously welcome but I dont want to hear a bunch of negativity please."

You posted the above, it is hard to just discuss an issue when a minor child is involved. My mantra is "Children First". I was raised in the home of an alcoholic, and, I still carry the scars today, it was not a pretty story. Children hear and see everything, including your drug use.

I am not judging, I just know, because I lived it.

When and if you really want advice, ask for it, however, understand that you may not like what will be posted in response.

Callie

f

Kindeyes

Hey there
Normal is what we make it and what we can personally tolerate I suppose. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. We've been married for 25 years. He is loving, considerate, helpful, and a great life partner. I love him. He loves me. That is my normal. Not everyone has a relationship like that. Have we ever been angry with each other? Of course. But do we yell and scream when we get angry. No. For me, a good relationship is one that is mutually respectful and loving. That is my choice and my good fortune. We have had our rough times over those 25 years--life is like that--but we partner to get through those rough times. And our bond and love grows stronger.

Your bf is using meth. Meth and pot are two very different drugs. I smoked pot in my youth. And I would do it again if I had an illness with symptoms that were relieved by pot. I do believe that it has medicinal possibilities--I'm fairly open minded in that regard. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't smoke pot. But these are my personal choices.....not choices I make because I think less of people who do those things. I have friends (in their 50's!) who I know smoke pot. I have lots of friends who drink. They are ok with me not doing those things and I don't judge them for doing those things. People will make personal choices for themselves and as long as it doesn't interfere with their daily function or hurt those around them, it's simply none of my business.

My son is addicted to meth. And I love him. I dont condemn him because he uses meth but I can see what it is doing to him physically, mentally, emotionally. He is mean and agitated, he can't work, he won't eat, he's emotionally and mentally impaired to the point that it is so very self destructive that it scares the he77 out of me. And it is progressing......it's getting worse and worse and worse....that is the nature of addiction. I still love him....but I can't stand to be around him because he's not a kind person. He wants to argue about everything. He is mentally and psychologically abusive--that is not normal to me and is not acceptable for me. I choose not to put up with the behavior associated with his meth and alcohol use. And it will kill him if he doesn't stop.

In Nar-Anon or Alanon, we are striving to be happy and find our serenity, whether the qualifier in our life is using or not. It's about me......because that's the only thing I have some measure of control of. You will make the decisions about your life and who you want to spend your time/life with......as a Momma.....you also have a little one to consider and your choices do affect your daughter.

My best advice......do what is best for you and your little one.

gentle hugs

ForAddynDaddy

No I completely agree with you Dollydo I want my daughter to be first. This is exactly why I need help. I am a very sensitive person (for some reason) and that is why I didnt want to hear judgements however I do want to learn that is why I threw up the discussion quote.

I guess I stated it wrong when I was saying that I wanted it to be a discussion but I just didnt want to hear any negativity (judgements really)


I just want to be better for me and my daughter and I can say it a million times but I never follow through =[

ForAddynDaddy

Ps. I was do not want this life for my daughter either. My father was a meth addict and my step father was an alcoholic and it was a horrible environment. I do not want that at all, but I do not want to be told that everything is horrible. I just want help to make it better

ForAddynDaddy

Kind eyes-

thank you for sharing that with me, I really do wish that I could be stronger. If I were I would have been gone a long time ago. I do not want this for me and my daughter I dont know how to make my heart and mind go in the same direction.

Leaving and not putting up with it is so much easier said than done. I dont know whats wrong with me.

wicked

Hello,
I am Beth, a recovering alcoholic and working my codependency thing.
LOL
My father was an alcoholic too, and I swore I would never ever do that to my kids, but guess what? started drinking at sixteen and continued to 36 years old.
When you were a little girl, what did you want? Just because you don't know any different life, doesnt mean you can't learn.
Go to meetings and learn how to live your life differently, on life's terms.
Not on the whims and rages of a drug abuser.
Let the old ways go, and let you and your daughter learn some new ways.

Beth

dollydo

I am sure that you are not a bad mother, I am also sure that you want the very best for your daughter. You are posting here because you are aware of a problem that is effecting the entire structure of your life, your being.

I also understand that life is very confusing, many times we think with our heart and not our head. We are trying to make our heart do the job of our head, just doesn't work. Let your head do the work it was designed to do, make sound decisions.

Your and your BF are involved in a very toxic relationship, there will be no happy ending to this story, it is doomed to failure.

Why not do the right thing for you and your daughter, walk away, be the responsible adult, your daughter is depending on you, you are her voice, her future.

ForAddynDaddy

I think that I am going to leave, however I have a plan of when and how. This has to be a planned because I cannot handle it any other way.

Currently we have moved into his moms house while we are looking for a new apt. In the back of my head I have just been wanting to leave and get my own place just me and Addy and tell him that it just isnt going to work anymore.

How should I break that down to him. ( please keep in mind, i will not be able to be harsh or mean)

gotahavfaith

I do not think you are a bad mother either. You are trying to figure your life out sweetie. When you started out with your BF, this is not the way you pictured your life with him to be. Unfortunately, how you thought it would be and how it is...is two different things. I too grew up in an alcoholic household. My father drank a case of beer every night, my mother ranted and raved at him. My dad would take so much, and then the fight was on. Not every night, but some were way worse than others. Weekends were the worst. I can remember as a little girl, ABSOLUTELY HATING what I knew was going to happen. I hated the screaming and yelling. I knew my mom and dad LOVED ME, but it seemed they HATED each other. I don't really think they did, but it seemed that way to me. I can remember wishing that one or the other would leave so that the screaming would stop. It really does affect a child more than you know. And you know what I remember the most? Not my dad's reaction while he was drunk. I remember the things that my mother would say, and how she would act. It was not pretty.
I did not write this to hurt you, but I am 49 years old and I can still remember this so very vividly. I can remember running thru the house crying for them to stop. Before I went to bed, they both always kissed me and told me they loved me, but it didn't make it all right for me. This went on from the time I was 4 or 5 until my father quit drinking when I was probably 10. So really, it was a short period of time compared to most. BUT I REMEMBER. Your daughter will remember. You can't change what has happened, but you can teach your daughter that this is not what a loving family looks like. It took a long time for me to get close to anyone, I just didn't trust people. Just give it some thought, and try and do what is best for you and your daughter.

Oh, and the smoking pot thing....I don't see anything wrong with sitting down, chilling out and smoking a little every now and then. I think the problem would be, having to smoke a joint to get out of bed in the mornings, having to smoke pot all day long just to get thru the day. Just my opinion.

Take care of you and your daughter first and everything else will fall into place eventually.

Gotahavfaith

dollydo

First off find yourself a place to live, get that all set up, have a firm moving date and then sit him down and tell him when and why you are moving. The final solution, however, is to mean what you say and say what you mean....thus you must follow through.

If you are not sure that you can follow through, then there is no point in finding a place for you and your daughter, by telling him and not following through all you are doing is giving him more power, you cannot cry wolf.

Thus far all you do is talk about leaving, and, then back down. I am not sure that you are really ready to move forward.

keepinon

If you need help making a plan, call your local womnen's shelter. They have great tips on how to leave safely and can help assess how dangerous it may be. The biggest factor is DO NO TELL HIM. Make ur plan and follow it thru w/out letting him know beforehand. Violence escalates when a person leaves the relationship. You are so deep in (just like my AD) that you can't see how absolutely NOT NORMAL this 3 time a day fighting is...it is not normal, healthy , or functioning which is I am sure what you want for your daughter. You can do this..both of you desrve to be happy and free of emotional abuse. Keep going...

ForAddynDaddy

I dont want him to be out of her life either. I do not want to come in between my daughter and her fathers relationship unless it would hurt her or cause her any stress. I still do feel that it should be her decision if she wants to have a relationship with her dad or not and up to him to be there for her and visit her.

She is still so young and does not understand that at all, but I remember when I was a little girl, my mom up and left to a completely different state. I hardly ever saw my dad after that even though I wanted to. I dont know if it was my mom holding him from me or him just not calling or coming to visit but I eventually when my mom remarried she let her husband control when and where my dad saw us kids.

I would never ever want that for my daughter. It makes it so hard for me to be in this situation bc my mom was right there with me and my brother and my fathers addiction. I dont want my daughter to grow up with out her father in her life.

I feel like by leaving, in a way I am taking that away from her

dollydo

Being an active user, he cannot be a father, he is simply a bystander and a bad influence on her life, she is not his priorty.

His addiction, his behavior, is already hurting her, the two of you together are effecting her well being.

Are you ready to stop the insanity?

ForAddynDaddy

Well yes I am. I just wanted to be clear to him and to her (when she is of age) that I am not stopping any relationship that they want to have unless it is unhealthy.

newnormal4me

When I first came around here I was appalled at some of what appeared to be really harsh statements. Now that I've been here a while, I realize that it has been those comments that are finally sinking in with me. Just like an addict, sometimes us co-dependents need a good knock on the head. Try to realize that what appears to be negativity is really kind of a tough love approach.

In a week my AH and I will have our 18 year anniversary...we had a decent life together...we enjoyed each others company greatly, we talked, we laughed, we hung out, we were truly best friends. If we argued it was not common, and didn't involve knock down drag outs. We worked hard and saved and built a new home together...we literally cleared the spot on our 3 acre lot BY HAND! It took us 7 months! It was a labor of love. We started a family - when our son turned 6 weeks old we celebrated our 10 year anniversary!

Today I signed paperwork for a legal separation. Why? Because of meth...plain and simple. My great, hard working guy has turned into a stranger over the past 5 years. Yes, I have been in a living he77 with him for 5 years now. In the beginning I didn't understand it at all. So much so that it took a year for me to grasp what it "might" be. I was naive...I thought it would pass...then when I began to learn more I thought he would seek help...then when he didn't seek help I thought it would get bad enough for him and he would be forced to seek help. None of this has happened. And all the while I sat around hoping for a miracle, I allowed him and myself to only get worse. I DESPISE where we are right now. I am disgusted, lost, broken, angry, sad, devastated...everything. And in my heart what makes me the sickest is that I sat by and watched this ship go down - thinking my little dingies would do the trick.

Addiction to meth is a monster...I truly can not believe where my AH is at in his life right now. It is shocking to me. I sometimes still sit back and just stare out my car window on my way to leave to go somewhere and just marvel in sadness that this just can't be my life???

I have to step out of the way. From someone that has been where you are, I wish I could have mustered up the courage to do it years ago. My situation might have turned out different...what if I had done the hard stuff when he still loved me? I'll never know...cause I have let it get so bad and hung out here with him that he sees me as an assessory to the whole thing. I am not! But he thinks that, he blames me, acts like he hates me. It is gut wrenching. And unfortunately, we have had our share of knock down drag outs in these past 5 years. We NEVER had these before this crap started. So to confirm, NO IT IS NOT NORMAL! It is VERY ABNORMAL. And, when sucked into these things can actually be seen as mental abuse. It is so damaging to us.

I am so sorry you are going through this. ****{HUGS}}}